Bpd lost faith…

[thankful person]

My dbpdw was not baptised into the Christian faith as a baby, and always felt this was something that was missing in her life. She had a difficult childhood where she was bullied at school, sexually abused by a family member, and had disinterested parents who taught her little, did few activities or outings with her, did not attend any school events etc. My wife attended church with friends sometimes.

My wife always wanted to be baptised. To be “born again”, clean, regain her virginity and purity which was taken from her when she was raped at age 12. Last year she attended a rock church a couple of times and this year decided to be baptised and went ahead with it. We are in a lesbian marriage so she was concerned about judgement from within the church, but hasn’t directly encountered any. The baptism was a very high point for my wife. She seemed very happy about it and wanted to attend church regularly.

This was four weeks ago. She hasn’t returned to church, always blaming me and the kids for making her late and various other dramas. This is despite the fact that she wants to attend church alone so we don’t even need to travel there with her, but she wants us to, and it’s always us ready to leave on time when she is not. The second week we made it to church, but she didn’t go in, just ranted and shouted in the car. Last week she had an alternate activity lined up with D4, again ranted and shouted in the car for a long time before eventually going in.

My wife has also wanted us to have a special sexual encounter calling it “my first time”. I have tried to play this right with sexy messages that she likes but not too dirty for a virgin. Sometimes the text messaging goes on a couple of hours with me making most of the effort. Each time she’s come into my room (she sleeps with the kids and I’m alone) I have disappointed her in some way so we haven’t even had sex for a long time. She also wanted special romantic effort to be made, (and money spent) where I thought the experience could be amazing and spiritual just being me and her but no it wasn’t good enough.

Today a special frame arrived which I had ordered which was a baptism frame with the date on it and a quote about a new beginning. I had a photo printed for her. I did ask her when I bought it if she wanted it, because in the past I’ve been accused of “taking over” with such decisions. She craves surprises but then says I’m deceitful if I plan anything behind her back and I often get it wrong anyway. She did say she loved it at that time, but today has totally rejected the frame, saying, “nothing has changed”, meaning (I think) that she was hoping for a better life following the baptism. I told her that getting baptised is not supposed to be about creating a better sex life. I told her the church are there to support you if you lose your way or faith. She isn’t interested. I’m frustrated by this because the people there are kind and friendly and I desperately want my wife to have friends to support her. A place to go, time away from me and the kids. She seemed to want to follow the Christian faith. I was hoping she might learn a bit about acceptance and gratitude, (stupidly) hoping she might suddenly see I’m not so bad. She told me Jesus knows I’m a bad wife. I know it’s none of my business whether she goes to church, maybe I should just let it go. I just hate how she always sabotages anything that’s good for her.

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[Notwendy]

My "armchair" idea about this is that childhood SA is trauma and involves shame. It's as if your wife is acting out this trauma with you in your relationship and intimacy- emotionally, you become the abuser and she is the victim. She externalizes these feelings-  something/someone else is the reason and so something external must be the solution. But it's not the solution because it's not the reason for the issue to begin with.

You keep trying to please her, show her you aren't the "bad guy" in the relationship- but it doesn't work. For her to be the victim, it can't work- that is why she saboages efforts.

I suspect my BPD mother was abused as a child or young teen. I don't have proof or have any idea who might have done it. But she seems emotionally stuck in her emotional replay of being hurt or harmed by someone or something, even if there was no wrong doing or intention of harm done.

There's a cycle where BPD mother will decide that someone or someting is the solution for her feelings. Then, she is disappointed when that wasn't the solution, but it wasn't the cause of the problem to begin with.

Church was no different. Religion can be a good thing for people, but it isn't a solution for mental illness. Seems like for your wife, being baptized was supposed to erase her feelings of shame, but it didn't do that and now she isn't interested.

BPD affects all relatioships. A relationship with God is still a relationship- part of this is her and who she is. So she may experience her same emotions with religion too- and Karpman triangle dynamics.

[Gravity Man]

I can tell you that from experience, Notwendy is exactly right.  When I met my wife, we were both seriously into our Christian faith.  My wife went to a small liberal arts Christian college associated with a well-known, rational denomination.  When we met, she told me that it was the close friends that she made at this college that were her family.  She had a huge affection for this college and her friends there.  In fact, it was very important to her that her friends meet and approve of me.  Of course, you know what happened over time, essentially, the college, her friends at the college, etc, everything got painted black.  Now she tells our children that the only reason she went to that college was that she had no other options in life and that the kids there were mean an abusive towards her.

It has happened at least five times that I can count, that we have gotten deeply involved in a church and gotten to know people who have been very kind to us.  Then, suddenly, the church and its people all get painted black, and we cannot continue.  There is no rationale to it.  It is very hard to live with.

As we have gotten older (now in our 50s), my wife has for the most part pushed away everyone that was important to us as a couple and herself as an individual.  Our history as a couple has been erased.  She has a few long-distance friends.  It is curious to me that it seems she never has friends that live by us or can interact with personally on a routine basis.  It is very sad for me.  It is not getting better.  It is getting worse.  I do not know how I can make it much longer ... the continual criticism, silent treatment, etc.  I stand up to her now in a way that I did not before, but this is no life.   Right now, I 'm just trying to successfully get my kids out of the house and on their own and then we will see.

[thankful person]

Not Wendy, thank you as always for your time and patience, I hope you know I am always learning from you. From what I’ve learned of your mother, she does seem to perceive the world in the same way as my wife. I see, there is no point in trying to encourage my wife to go back to church, I guess the honeymoon period with that is over. I’m just so sad for her. I know I have to continue working on our relationship (with the understanding that it is a special needs relationship so I take prime responsibility but can never discuss this with her). If I totally stop trying to please her then we won’t last and I do want things to work out for us.

Gravity man, thank you also for sharing your story and experiences. I’ve been in bpd fam for 3 years now, and I’ve also learnt to better stand up to my wife and do things I want to do, but I’m also fed up with the constant criticism and silent treatment and the lack of affection is also massive here. I’m just so grateful to have so much love and affection with the children because my wife gives me next to nothing. Ours are so little (4, 2, and 1). I want this marriage to last because I want us both to raise our kids together and by that I mean, I want to spend time with them every day. They are starting to understand things a bit better. In the Raising resilient children book it speaks of how you can support children by discussing the other parent’s unfair treatment of them. Ours are not quite big enough with D4 being speech delayed, however I often find myself giving them a big hug or holding their hand when my wife has needlessly shouted at them, they quietly come to me once things have calmed down or we’re in another room. I know parenting is supposed to be a team thing but it just doesn’t work like that with a pwbpd. How can we form a united front when she has treated them unfairly? It’s better for them to know that she’s crazy and I support them. (I will be more subtle if and when I have this discussion with them)…How old are your kids? Do they understand that your wife has a mental illness?