Help with wife

[J4needssupport]

First post.  My wife has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety and ptsd.  She displays narsisistic traits and borderline traits.  For the last 3 years she has held onto anger and resentment because i asked her to go back to work after 6 months of being let go.  Fast forward.  She is recognized and good at her job as a nurse.  She still holds resentment and has moved into a seperste room and talks about leaving.  She doesnt really interact with me unless she has to.  Im hurting because i love her.  We have been together for 23 years.  I raised 3 step children and we have a 16 year oldndaughter that resnets her mom especially for the way she treats me. My eife has major insomnia.  She doesnt sleep 3 days in a row and then sleeeps all weekend.  I know this is alot but this group was recommended to me.by our marriage counselor.  Please advise.  I need help coping.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tina7868]

Hi J4needssupport! Welcome to the community. I`m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you are sharing your experience with us.

Being with someone for 23 years is no joke! It takes a lot of commitment. On the other hand, her talking about leaving and having her own mental health struggles must be difficult to navigate.

How do you feel about everything as it is? In an ideal world, how would you want to feel? What does your life look like outside of your marriage?

There are a lot of avenues to explore, and hope to be had for a more balanced future. Here, you`ll find people who can relate to your situation.

[J4needssupport]

I am a successful educator.  I have a large group of friend who range from fellow educators, bourbon collectors, and various other friends.  I am respected at my job and have a successful career with a recent promotiin.  I worked 2 full time jibs for 20 years and finally got one that allowed me to quit my second.  I was working 75 hours to support our family weekly.  I have 3 adukt children. 2 are step daughters.  They all love me dearly.  I habe a 16 yo daughter who is struggling with her mother.  Everyone is successful in their lives.  My wife makes 45 an hour and contrivutes nothing towards monthly expenses.  She buys whatever she wants and blames me for everything and says our life has been all about me.   I go to the gym 3 days a week and have stsrted reading again for knowledge.  All the kids struggle with their mothers behaviirs over the last 2 decades.  Its hard hearing all about their mother from them and i always remind them that their mother is a good person, deserves their love and i defend her even though i have my own struggles.  Whew, thats alot to share.  Thank you for responding to my post

[tina7868]

Whew, thats alot to share.  Thank you for responding to my post

That`s what we`re here for! Feel free to share how much (or how little) you`re comfortable with, any time.

It sounds like you have many sources of fulfillment outside of your marriage : your career, your family, your friends, your self care activities.

My wife has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety and ptsd.  She displays narsisistic traits and borderline traits. 

Have you had a chance to learn about the psychology behind some of these traits?

[J4needssupport]

Yes.  I have been with her for 23 years.  In theblast 3 things have gottwn rough.  I know alotnabout vipolar, ptsd and anxiety.  I have a psychology degree and habe been working in mental health and special education for years.  I habe gone to maritalncounselingnfor years on and off.  Last stint was for the last 14 months.  The therapist recognizes change in me but sees an immovable resentment currently.  Keep in mind her therapist became our therapist.  I have also worked with an individual therapist and worked on mediatition, exploring my own feelings and use the CALM app daily.

She got off her mood stabilizer.  She only takes cymbalta and adderral.  The adderal was to counteract the mood stabilizer.  She has a nurse practitioner who does her med mansgement since her psychologist retired.  I do thi k based on resesrch she is on a horrible combo.  She does not sleep hardly at sll during the week and then sleeps all weekend. 

I am not blaming her.  I accept and love her bit she has moved into our guest room and only speaks to me out of necessity.

I just want my wife back.  Im working on bettering myself.  The main reason she is so resentful is she got let go over 3 years ago.  It broke her.  After 6 to 7 months i encouraged her to get back up on the horse.....she says she wasnt ready and resents me.  I have worked 2 fulltime jobs for 21 years to support our family.  Shenis a nurse.  She mskes great money but keeps it all to herself.  She buys alot for her and is turning our guest room into her sanctuary. 

Im looking for a break through.  It hasnt been all bad at all and we have raised lovely kids 3 of which are adults.

I continue to work on bettering myself and giving her space, however she said she has given up and generalized her feeling to apply to our 23 years together.  Says its been all about me.  Its breaking my heart to see her struggle.  Im trying to give her space, pray and be the best human i can be..i believe she is looking to move.out but is afraid to take it all on.

Take away.  I love her dearly.  Its hard to watch her suffer.  I want my spouse back.  I want to grow old together.  He depression is shadowing what we can be.

Or am i jist lyingnto myself?

[SwineMan]

Yes.  I have been with her for 23 years.  In theblast 3 things have gottwn rough.

Would you be willing to share how things were for the first 20 years? 

I'm imagining with your wife's mental health background that things have always been rough in your relationship, but am curious how you see how your marriage has been through those years.

She has a nurse practitioner who does her med mansgement since her psychologist retired.

Are you able to get her to see a psychiatrist? Med management for psychiatric conditions is what they've been trained to do and what they practice all the time and exclusively.

[J4needssupport]

The marriahe has been rocky but always had periods of happiness that outweighed the rough spots.

3 years ago she got let go amd went back into individual therapy
She unlocked 5.major traumas from things before me.  6.months later.i encouraged her ro go back to work like i would anyone.  Up until 4.years ago i was the sole finacial provider workingn2 full time.jobs. 

My.doc.told.me.i needed to work less and sleep more to take care of myself or i would die before my time.  I tried to gently.explain this and all she heard was "if you dont work ill die"  i NEVER said it that way at all but that has been her driving ststement and resentment issue she cant let go of.

She has major insomnia now and doesnt sleep much.  She sleeps all weekend long.  Her quality of life sucks and she has cortisol overload.

She wont go see a new psychiatrist....
She is talking about moving into an extended hotel and staying for a few months.  I have not reacted.and said if it will help i understand.

I am sympathic to her lack of sleep and frustrstion.  Am i fooling myselfnthst this can work better?

No sex.or touch in a year but she doesnt talk divorce or seperation yet.

Our therapist which has been my wifes therapist isnpretty good however she told me to wait and not be thebone to initiate seperation as thst would.feed into the victim mentality and resentment of my wife towards me.

I love her.  I know.she is still inside
  I know.she needs help.  I also know i cant fix her, she has to work on herself.  So i continue to work on my own well beimg and tell her i am here when she wants to talk.

Hard part.is for almost 2.months she comes home.and goes to her room our former.guest room and doesnt engsge with me unless we absolutely have to.

Holding steadfast......any advice?

[tina7868]

Hey J4needssupport!

I know.she needs help.  I also know i cant fix her, she has to work on herself.  So i continue to work on my own well beimg and tell her i am here when she wants to talk.

This is a very important realization. Even with the best of intentions, the most growth in the world on your end, you cannot change someone else.

I am sympathic to her lack of sleep and frustrstion.  Am i fooling myselfnthst this can work better?

I think the answer to this depends on you and your mindset. What are the limitations of your own understanding, patience, willingness to compromise?

The marriahe has been rocky but always had periods of happiness that outweighed the rough spots.

What did your last rough spot look like?

Hard part.is for almost 2.months she comes home.and goes to her room our former.guest room and doesnt engsge with me unless we absolutely have to.

Could you give us an example of when you have tried engaging with her? What was the context? What happened?

[J4needssupport]

Update

My wife has gone through a intensive outpatient program for several weeks at a special hospital.  5 days a week 6 hours a day.  They added a mood stabilizer and she made progress.  Next she went to the step down which is 3 days a week, 3 hours a day.  She had 3 weekdays and a weekend between programs.  She stsrted backsliding and being depressed and scared.  I offered support and told her i respected her amd was proud of her.

I have had to take FMLA and take care of my mother post surgery who is 80.  It seems like there is some resentment.  For the past 3 days she will not answer her phone.  I asked what is wrong amd she says she needs time and space so is going to take it while im gone for the next month.  I am not initiating contact, which is hard for me.

She has been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety for about 20 years.  Now they say major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and complex.post traumatic stress disorder.

I care for her.  I want to support her.  But she has given me no boundaries for said space she wants.

Me, as a typical guy <care taker, fixer> is a little scared bit ok.

Is there any thing i can do to support the woman i love?