Analyse and close the file. Pt. 2

[seekingtheway]

I have been following your convoluted journey through BPD-land for some time. Your experiences are so similar to mine that I catch myself worrying about you from time to time!

The mental scars from your relationship will always linger in your mind. There is no question of them disappearing entirely. Tinnitus is a background ringing in the ear, and your thoughts about your ex are a sort of mental tinnitus—the solution is to control their volume, not to end their existence. With mild tinnitus, it is only noticeable during quiet times or when someone mentions it. If I understand correctly, you are not working or in a new relationship yet. In this situation, with so much time on your hands, it is natural that thoughts of your ex will drift through your consciousness. Based on your accounts, the volume of these intrusive thoughts is reduced and will only continue to decrease. So please don't hold yourself to the standard that these thoughts must disappear—they won't. What they will become is incidental and much less bothersome.

From my experience, you are almost certainly going to get a recycle call from her. She uses you as the background upon which she manipulates her current foreground partner. Their situation is, by definition, unstable. She is just itching to use her power to destroy that partner by dumping him and bringing you back around—for another round with her.

One thing I have learned from playing with far too much BPD fire over the years is that, to avoid getting burned, you should never become dependent on them in any way and keep a massive retaining wall between them and your loved ones. To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously. Always wait for her to come back to you, and then bail as calmly as possible at the first sign of dysregulation—knowing full well that another  random recycle is waiting down the road.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You are doing quite well, all things considered. And be warned that her presence will haunt the early stages of any new relationship you start. This is both natural and temporary. As you grow healthier, the mental ringing in your ears she causes will fall to a very gentle hum that as time passes you will rarely notice.

Clusterbeeline - Just wanted to say that I appreciate this perspective. It feels realistic to my situation and just felt settling to read it. Also makes me curious about your story!

OKrunch - I identify with your words of wanting/expecting the recycle that you don't want. Missing, loathing and fearing at the same time. There are days I don't want him at all and I feel strong and clear, and then there are days I swing into the opposite place. It makes me think, 'this is what life must be like for him all the time'.

Time and intentional healing can only help... incremental steps forwards. It sounds like you've done so much already. When a new phase of life begins with new work and new relationships, things may change in much bigger and better ways.

[ThanksForPlaying]

This is an amazing thread with so much helpful wisdom.  Below are some of the posts that jumped off the page for me.

could it be because you havent accepted that the relationship is over, and allowed yourself to grieve it?
...
for all of us, in the healthiest of situations, every last one of our relationships will end except for the last, because they werent meant to be.

This is helpful to remember.  Because of my own compassion and codependency issues, I often try to keep everyone happy and maintain a friendly relationship with ALL of my exes.  Of course that's totally impossible.

Why do i still constantly think about someone I don't want back, don't want to hear from, and recognize I am generally better off without her in my life.

There are so many reasons why I'm better off without her.  But when people see a photo of us, they say "she's hot - why did you break up with her?" or "you two look so happy and cute together".  Just have to keep reminding myself of the reasons.  It gets (slightly) easier.

The book is over once YOU decide that it's over.  Because at the end of the day, you get to choose.  Choose being stuck, or choose moving on.  It's a choice.

So much time can be spent pining for exes.  It doesn't mean I can never think about them (specifically this one) again - it just means I'm free to do more important things (like eat, or shower, or get out of bed for starters). [See next quote]

im not sure that its realistic to expect not to think of her. the Freedom stage of Detaching isnt "to no longer have thoughts or feelings about the person", but to get to the point where, such as they are, they dont interfere with your overall feelings of well being.
...
if she were dead (relationship endings can be like a death), you probably wouldnt be trying to banish thoughts of her, or beating yourself up for having them, right? sure, you would want to manage them and increasingly not be consumed with grief, but nobody kicks themselves when it happens.

I want the recycle I don't want. I expect the behavior i somewhat fear, and yet, I still miss Dr. Jekyll, despite my loathing of Mr. Hyde. God's this is exhausting.

I totally want the recycle.  But then I know I'll be stuck in the same situation looking for an out.  When I was IN the relationship, I spent all my time looking for the exit ramp.  So bizarre.

She uses you as the background upon which she manipulates her current foreground partner. Their situation is, by definition, unstable. She is just itching to use her power to destroy that partner by dumping him and bringing you back around—for another round with her.
...
To put it crudely, she can never be more than an occasional side chick. By adopting a take-it-or-leave-it attitude, she can serve as occasional spice until you settle down with someone more seriously. Always wait for her to come back to you, and then bail as calmly as possible at the first sign of dysregulation—knowing full well that another random recycle is waiting down the road.

This is spot-on, and seems simple.  Certainly not easy in practice, but makes sense on paper.

[Pook075]

I spent a year in therapy learning how to identify the attachment issues, and educating myself on why BPD's tick the way they do. I do not want it back. I do not want her back.   
And yet...… 
I still find myself thinking about these patterns. Expecting the implosion of her relationship and the subsequent recycle attempts, to which I know I would still struggle to resist answering, despite knowing what that would entail.   
Although I doubt its legitimately intentional, because they truly believe what they believe when they believe it, it is like they do these pattern based things to keep your mind on it well after they aren't in your life.   
So they'll always own piece of your mind.   
significant anniversaries and birthdays don't help.

Even well over a year removed, the brain worms still wriggle.

 
I want the recycle I don't want. I expect the behavior i somewhat fear,

and yet, I still miss Dr. Jekyll, despite my loathing of Mr. Hyde.   
God's this is exhausting.

Hey buddy, greetings from the Philippines!  I hopped on today specifically to check on you and I hope you're well.

I can relate, I still think about my ex from time to time...but not in an emotional relationship way.  I'm getting married in 5 days though and I'm very happy in a mostly normal, stable relationship.  We do have our moments where we argue or she goes silent on me to pout, but it's forgiven and forgotten by the end of the day.  And that's what I've realized...it's the ability to forgive and forget that it near impossible for a BPD individual.  That one little thing changes everything.

Hang in there, you've come so far over the past few years.

[OKrunch]

Major hurdles cleared.

The intrusive thoughts and memories are significantly reduced.
Found out she got married, and surprisingly had zero emotional response. I literally only felt a bit of humor and pity.

I'm dating, although nothing groundbreaking, it's going pretty well.

I love my new job.

Life is finally better now than it was with her.

Good riddance

[Pook075]

Major hurdles cleared.

The intrusive thoughts and memories are significantly reduced.
Found out she got married, and surprisingly had zero emotional response. I literally only felt a bit of humor and pity.

I'm dating, although nothing groundbreaking, it's going pretty well.

I love my new job.

Life is finally better now than it was with her.

Good riddance

Good for you brother, I'm proud of you!

[OKrunch]

I feel like I was finally able to rest.
This summer has flown by, and I have not done nearly as much as I would've liked to.
However, something happened, and I don't know exactly what it was or when, but ALL of this, for the most part just up and flew away one day.

I still have the occasionally memory or intrusive thought, but they are becoming more rare.
I still experience the "gut feeling" out of the blue sometimes, and I am still researching some spiritual answers there.
Otherwise, I feel free again. A lot of my old interests and hobbies gradually flowed back into my life.
My demeanor is back to normal. My friends have even said I feel like my old self again to them.

work is going well, starting to get caught back up.
Still a bit lonely but that will fix itself in due time.

[Pook075]

I feel like I was finally able to rest.
This summer has flown by, and I have not done nearly as much as I would've liked to.
However, something happened, and I don't know exactly what it was or when, but ALL of this, for the most part just up and flew away one day.

I still have the occasionally memory or intrusive thought, but they are becoming more rare.
I still experience the "gut feeling" out of the blue sometimes, and I am still researching some spiritual answers there.
Otherwise, I feel free again. A lot of my old interests and hobbies gradually flowed back into my life.
My demeanor is back to normal. My friends have even said I feel like my old self again to them.

work is going well, starting to get caught back up.
Still a bit lonely but that will fix itself in due time.

All good stuff, and time does heal all.  I'm glad you're staying busy and just generally being you once again.  I remember when I reached that stage and it shocked me as well- it's almost like I was waiting for something to freak out about.  But when it didn't come, I realized that I was finally in a new phase of life.

Stay in touch brother and let us know about the next chapter.  I am excited to hear it!

My life in the Philippines is also going well.  Still haven't found full time work, so I'm living off savings from selling the house.  Life is pretty cheap here though and we're under $1k a month spending.  I'm going to start volunteering at a local church as well and we should be able to start the visa process for my new wife in the next week or two (waiting on the marriage license from the govt here).  I'll probably be here another year or so, which suits me just fine.

[OKrunch]

Hi everyone, been a while!!

I hope you're all doing well, I know I am.
Months of peace, and it seems(Ed?) that it was good and gone. She got hitched, and I didn't care. It was refreshing.
Recently however she unblocked me and began viewing my stories, which I found odd.
I haven't responded or reacted in any way, and it hasn't bothered me so I'm just leaving it alone.
Hope you're all well.
Work is going great,.I've had good dates, a few summer flings. my son and I are thriving.

[Augustine]

It’s remarkable how much a man’s life can change in season..

Judging by your timbre, you sound like a man transformed.

Good, and long may you and your son thrive!

I’m a changed person too, to the extent that I can now look back and see just how injured I still was in the summer.

I have a radically new life. New friends, new location, new home, new job, and new interests. Curiously enough, and I don’t know why, almost all of my old interests and dreams died, and were sloughed off. I don’t quite know what to make of this.

Through my friends, I have encountered single women. Their presence is like a tonic, reminding me that life can one day be satisfying again, relationally.

It’s satisfying to know that you are well, as we were both in quite a state for quite some time.

Keep well, my friend.

[Pook075]

Hi everyone, been a while!!

I hope you're all doing well, I know I am.
Months of peace, and it seems(Ed?) that it was good and gone. She got hitched, and I didn't care. It was refreshing.
Recently however she unblocked me and began viewing my stories, which I found odd.
I haven't responded or reacted in any way, and it hasn't bothered me so I'm just leaving it alone.
Hope you're all well.
Work is going great,.I've had good dates, a few summer flings. my son and I are thriving.

Great to hear, my friend!  Just keep on keeping on and let this stay in the past.  She's probably checking your social because she's already bored with the marriage and wondering why he's not perfect (like she thought).  That's the crux of the mental illness and those cycles, so it's great that you're finally out of that loop.

Life is good for me as well.  My ex is getting married next week and I'm happy for her...I really hope it works out but I'm not expecting it to long term.  She's all-in to the point where she doesn't even see our kids unless they visit the guy's house...that's the only thing that digs at me a little still.