How can this work?

[Mushu]

Hey all, continuing to ruminate about my 10 year relationship that just ended again a month ago. No contact since then, it seems all I can remember other wonderful parts. During the relationship I always fought back when being raged at and or devalued. it was not healthy at all. I know it was not the right way for me to approach things. I keep going round and round about how it can work for us if it’s even possible to regain the relationship. I understand how I would need to approach things personally as far as validating her feelings and not lashing out. What about the rest of the people in my life though? I feel bad about some of the ways I acted in the past towards some of them, trying to avoid my fiancé‘s triggers. A basic example is if my ex texted me about our kids or whatever, my bpd fiancé trigger into a rage, this happened with all kinds of innocent situations,  she demonstrated jealousy of my daughter, etc… I found myself constantly trying to control circumstances to keep her from being triggered, it was wholly exhausting It would seem to me to have a successful relationship with her, I would have to give up everything else, and everyone else in my life as any attention to another person triggers another emotional rage.Yet I still can’t let go and wish she was herewith me now.

[once removed]

youre grieving a long, and complicated relationship. its a hard thing to do, in the best of circumstances. and its understandable to feel conflicted about that.

the good parts were great, no doubt, and in ten years, they must be plentiful. the loss of them is a lot to mourn. the fact that you are doing so, one month out, is not a warning sign, or something that is wrong with you, it is just the hard reality of grieving someone you have loved. lean into it; it is the way through it.

its also a whole lot of time to try to process. my relationship was only 3 years, and i remember in the early days, i must have replayed those 3 years in my head endlessly. theres a lot to make sense of. its understandable to have regrets, and what ifs. they can be strong enough that it can be difficult to distinguish between how you really feel, whether you want to revisit it, or if its even possible.

what is clear in your post history is that this relationship was broken. whatever you are entertaining at any given moment, whether it be getting back together, or breaking up, that part is unavoidable. making the leap in either direction is, in part, about identifying what was broken, and whether or not it is repairable. it wont make things emotionally easier, there is no silver bullet for that, but it will make your path clearer.

[PhoenixKnight]

Onceremoved’s post is great, a lot of good advice in there.

The only thing I can say is that I completely understand how hard it is not to react to the rages. 99% of people will eventually, and you needn’t beat yourself up for that. If the rages you experienced were anything like the ones I did you can’t win either way. If you’re nearing your mental capacity and exhaustion point, and are being screamed at for things that don’t make sense or you don’t understand, it’s bloody tough.

Understand your position bud, but don’t blame yourself.

[Clearmind]

We cannot control the thoughts and emotions of someone else.

A healthy relationship is two people being very aware. Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people. A healthy relationship does not cast blame or throw shade and jealousy at another person let alone a child.

Write down 10 things you value in a friendship. Those 10 things should also ring true for a romantic partner. Moral and ethics need to align.

[SinisterComplex]

Write down 10 things you value in a friendship. Those 10 things should also ring true for a romantic partner. Moral and ethics need to align.

^^^I cannot stress this thought enough. Sounds crazy when you are using the same parameters for friends and romantic partners, but it is how it should be. Why? Your romantic partner ideally is who should become or is your best friend.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Mushu]

Thank you so much for your responses. I apologize for taking so long to reply, I've been struggling quite a bit. I sent her a txt last week and said "Hi, can we talk?", she didn't reply. I wanted to talk with her about salvaging things, to let her know that I wanted to improve my responses and understand and work together her if she were willing to acknowledge and work on her behaviors that were so damaging to our relationship and me. I definitely feel she has permanently split me and probably replaced me early on and is "in love" with the new guy without another thought about me. I know intellectually from reading that dissociation is part of pwBPD , but it's almost impossible to accept and comprehend that after all we shared and the love and caring I gave her in spite of all the negative behaviors that she doesn't care or even think about me at all. It seems like the cruelest thing, those who invest the most and authentically love them are treated the worst and mean nothing.