Emotional whiplash from speed of spouses severe mood changes

[Babyredlocks]

I'm committed to our marriage. I feel like I keep forgetting that when there's an irrational episode, that I can't reason with him and that im not going to find a rational explanation as to what triggered him. I need help recognizing warning signs that his emotions are about to flip and better responses to not worsen things, how to get him to understand that telling me to end the marriage is not the answer or what i want. This roller coaster confuses our kids and puts a lot of weight on my confident whom i dont want to keep burdening with the never ending things my family goes through.  Any good responses to a BPD spouse when they get angry, accusatory, and act like the relationship is hopeless and all my fault (the next day or week I'll be the most amazing loving wife according to him)? Any warning signs? Does he need space or smothered with affection?

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[dtkm]

I am in a similar situation and it is extremely hard!  So I hear you!  We have 5 kids, with ages 3 to 12.  It is hard on all of us!  I am no where near where I need to be for day to day happiness for all of us, but looking back over the years, I can see all of the progress that I have made.  What I will say has worked the best for me is that I have watched his day to day actions for awhile now and have developed a pattern that he goes through just about every cycle.  When he is in a down part of the cycle I remind myself where he is in the cycle and that the cycle will most likely continue like it has every other time and we will be in an up position at some point.  I then continue on with my life, putting me and the kids first, but not ignoring him.  I offer to make dinner for him, I invite him to activities, but I also don't get upset when he denies the food I have cooked him or backs out last minute at a family event...the kids and I will go no matter what (this is new and has helped the kids and I not feel trapped).  I also have set a boundary that I will not talk to him about divorce, etc unless we are in front of a therapist.  In fact, last night he mentioned something (things are good at home right now, but he usually mentions this once each time things are good.)  I told him, yes I understand what you are saying, but as I have stated in the past I won't have this conversation with you.  (I don't tell him because it will just go round and round and we won't get anywhere but upset at each other).  Last night he asked me why and I said "I have done everything in my power to make changes that I can make" and he asked so you are just going to live like this?  I responded "look at our kids, they are so happy when things are good with us, they need us together" (all of which is very true).  He agreed and we moved on from that conversation.  If he is in a bad mood and coming at me with the same conversation, I literally walk away, continue doing the laundry or whatever I was doing when he started it.  I do not engage with it at all...I know that it will only get worse if I do...I know that his intension is to pull me in and get me to his emotional level, which I now refuse to do.  It is very hard to do and has taken me a long time to figure out and years of therapy sessions, but I have realized that it is the only way for me, or I start to feel crazy!  I have to separate myself from the craziness when it begins, not physically but mentally and emotionally.  For the kids, I am a parent who tells my kids the truth no matter what and I don't sugar coat it.  I am also a super mama bear and will protect my kids at all costs.  All of my kids know that something is off with dad when he is in his bad moods.  My older ones more than the little ones.  They have for sure taken more than their share of his crap.  I try to support their emotions and them, help them avoid the crap next time around and also support them in getting out of the house.  I want them to have interactions with him, though this is hard for me as I am so used to protecting them.  What I am working on now is trying to get myself to allow their interactions with the knowledge they will come running to me if they need to, he usually only offers these interactions when he is in moods where he can be present with them, so I am hoping this will allow them some bonding time and me some time where I can focus on me for 5 minutes a day!     

[dtkm]

Another thing I just thought of that I have just started doing...I try hard to support him having dedicated "me" time outside of the house which is him going to the gym.  I used to get mad that he got to go and show him how mad it made me, and while I still feel this way, I feel like I have been asking for me time and while I don't get me time yet, I need to allow him his time with support.  He apologized that I didn't get to go on the treadmill the other day which is way more than I would have gotten in the past, I would have gotten yelled at that I was having an affair in the basement (where the treadmill is) when he was upstairs and not working out!  We all need time to ourselves and if I don't support it, he is still going to go to the gym, he just won't tell me about it, like he will go on the way home from work or something like that.  He will still do some of these things when he is mad, but he now says where he is going and I always say "have fun", even if he leaves without commenting back.  I also know that there will always be something that comes up when he is in a bad mood...last time it was about him taking back all of his clothes hangers...but I have tried to ignore it, continue on with life as usual and follow through with the natural consequences of his actions.  All of this is super hard and I am no where near 100% with all of this, but it is a work in progress that I am striving for each day!!

[Babyredlocks]

wow dtkm!- I read that thinking this could be my exact words and experience. The similarities is uncanny. Its relieving to see that this is normal for BPD and what my family is suffering is understood by others, at the same time it is sad because I wish no one had to go through this. We have 5 kids 12 to 24. watching what they emotionally suffered has made me question if I should have left with them, but knowing that my husband is not intentional in this and that we vowed to be there for each other in sickness (this is a sickness) and in health and that I love him, that helps me endure. I have tried to watch for a cycle and chart it to expect things, it use to be a 3 month cycle, then weeks, now his episodes last about 3 days but I still haven't found how to predict them. It is to the point that I don't enjoy the ups and great times as much because I'm so worried that it will turn on a dime. My kids don't ask for things because the risk of him responding badly isn't worth it to them. So I have learned to work hard to get them out of the house and have relaxing time elsewhere. We use to not go out because I was worried about him but that was not healthy and my kids and I did not thrive and emotionally started dying. (covid-era of shut downs rubbed much of our sanity we desperately held on to) Now we go out. I wish he would come but he doesn't. I realize inviting him is important though. I do have people over and it seems to be healthy for him.  It took me a long time to establish boundaries, I too have told him I will no longer discuss divorce. That improved things so much. I just don't engage. Its worse every time I do. Thank you for sharing that it is the same with you. I always regret it if I engage, its hard to remind myself what he is doing. he gets frustrated  but I told him that I love him and will be here for him but that I am getting off the roller coaster of arguments and discussions about certain things. He has also asked if I would just always stay the same and live like this never improving. I told him I always work to improve and always will but it wont always be in the way he expects or wants but that I ask that he be happy with me just the way I am currently and if I improve then that's a bonus, and I promised to happily accept him as is. he agreed. It has seemed to work better. After about 1 year of not bringing up divorce he told me how depressed he was. Very calmly he told me he would rather die if he had to stay with me. The calm was different. Concerning. I told him that I did not believe divorce was the answer neither was it something I wanted but that I would support him in what he felt he needed. I said we would work together and have an amiable divorce and promised him that I would never want it but that I would never again even try and discourage it. After we got home he didnt bring it up again for another 18 months, it had been an every 3 months event when I had been engaging in the arguments with him. When he brought it up he filled out the papers made an appointment with the court. I signed everything,  telling him I loved him and that i hoped he can heal what he needs to. He cancelled the appointment and has the papers still. Perhaps its like a security blanket to him, knowing he has an undisputed out if he ever wants it. Its been 2 years since that, a record. No mention until he told me last night that I need to be just done with him if I talk to him like I do. I just kept folding laundry. Me time is important, I hope you can get some more balance. Its good of you to support his because both of you without it will be harder. Your kids are young, it gets easier as they understand more and support each other. I don't sugar coat things either. My me time was really going for a walk to the park with the kids so they could play and laugh and that was so healing. Now I get me time and its good but doesn't compare-I just want mom time because they are adults too soon. I know people always say it, but once I felt it- I crave the laughing toddler, the beaming face of the 10 year old on field trips. I crave the mom time. I would get rid of more clothes and dishes so that cleaning was more simple. I would simplify as much as possible because what we deal with loving someone with BPD is complex and exhausting enough. As much time as possible needs to go to bolstering my kids self confidence, empathy and understanding. I'm glad your kids talk to you, they need that one that they can open up to with out fear. Hang in there, you sound like an amazing person, a good example for your children. I've had some mental health support in dealing with my marriage and it has helped me understand how my husbands childhood trauma can be effecting him and his beliefs. I hope to find a way to get my children mental health support as well. My husband doesn't trust mental health counselors, but some occupational therapists are trained in mental health as well. I may be able to get the young ones in.

[dtkm]

Thanks for the response back!  My husband filed for divorce a little over a year ago.  Things were horrible, looking back I don't know how the kids and I survived!  But like you, I don't believe in divorce as I said "until death do we part".  He had me served at my house and took the day off from work to be at home when I was served.  I was hurt beyond words.  Never did I think he would actually do that.  But he did.  I vowed to him that day that I would do everything in my power to show the world who he truly was and I did just that.  I was not nice like you!  I got a lawyer, who recommended taking a restraing order out on him and having him removed from the house.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I was granted the order within one minute of the judge asking if everything written on my paperwork was true.  My lawyer pushed for a permanent order, but after much thought, I declined as he was my kids father, I wanted to be able to attend soccer games, etc together no matter what.  I wanted normalcy.  We had a lot of ups and downs, reconciliations and back to courts.  In the end, we decided to drop the case.  What this showed me was that if I had to, I could do it all on my own.  I don't want to, but I can.  Living in 2 separate houses ripped my little kids apart.  I would have to go over to his house to put my 3 year old to sleep at night then sneak away so that she didn't wake up to see that I wasn't there and he would have to attend as many of our "outings" that he could as the kids wanted all to be a part of things.  It was hell.  I feel like our life is always a question, when will things turn bad and how bad will it be?  But I will say that stepping away from the bad emotionally has done wonders for me and has made life all the more tolerable.