9 months of abuse and now criminal charge

[Stephen1999]

Hi All,

Well I've been reading this forum for a bit now. Actually discovered it years ago in another relationship and thought I'd learned my lesson but here we are so I'd like to share my story.

I met my recent ex-girlfriend in the spring of 2020. April, just after the lockdown. I went north to work and that was the end of that for awhile.

January 2021. I guess I was lonely so I called her up. She came over, we had sex and we were together from that point on. I moved in with her in July 2021. From then until about a month ago that's where I lived. About 2 and a half years.

There were some cracks though, looking back. She was always so full of anxiety. Was incredibly OCD. I told her one time that I thought she might be mildly manic-depressive (trying to be polite and honest but she could flip super easy between dark and down to up and bubbly). She drank tons of coffee everyday and popped benedryl to sleep at night. She hardly ever stopped moving. Her mother is diagnosed BPD and bi-polar and stared cutting herself in her 50's. Her father is a narcissist who neglected her all her life (seriously. The guy has a restaurant and my ex goes there twice a year, xmas and his birthday, and sometimes he doesn't even come out to say hi. He doesn't even really know his grandaughter either), every ex she had was abusive (her bf in her 20's beat her up and her ex-husband strangled her). There's more but I think I made my point. Why didn't I run like hell you ask? Well she was so sweet and caring and seemed to love me so much and, to be honest, I kind of felt bad for her and wanted to save her. Most importantly, I loved her and leaving her for mental health seemed unfaithful to me. I'm a bit of an idiot considering what happened next.

In late 2022, she began coming to me with complaints. In March 2023, she started sitting on the couch, cross-legged, rocking back and forth, with a super worried look on her face and I was pretty concerned with what I was seeing. I came to talk with her about it a hundred times but whenever I asked if she was ok she'd just smile and say she was fine then go right back to it. She did this for roughly two months and started sleeping on the couch as well.

In June 2023, we were sitting on the patio and she just looked over at me and quietly said that she wanted to break up. She said she didn't feel like she had a partner, that we were just roommates, that I would abandon her when she was on her death bed or when she was old and ugly. I told her none of that was actually true but I was tired at this point so I just said ok. Afterwards, I thought it over and decided that I loved her and her daughter so I told her I wanted to work on things because I thought they were worth it. There was some pushback but then, in July 2023, her family held an intervention for her due to a suspected eating disorder. They didn't tell me at all. They included her ex-husband though which I found a bit insulting to be honest. Truth is, I had mildly confronted her about this about a month before. I had introduced her to the gym a year earlier hoping that it would help her anxiety and she took right to it. She already ate very little because she claimed to have a sensitive stomach and an ulcer (from drinking too much in her 20's she says) but I became concerned when she started fasting 20 hour per day. I told her that I don't think the math added up and she's not taking in enough calories to balance out the exercise and fasting. She disagreed and assured me it's what she needed to do in order to stay balanced. Since I had met people who managed their anxiety with a strict routine I gave her the benefit of the doubt but told her I'd be keeping an eye on things and if I think it's a danger we'll talk about it again. Just for context she says she's 109 pounds and she's 5'4".

So, after her cousin confronted her and told her that the entire family was talking about it and was worried, my ex completely lost her cool and flew off the handle at her. Then she came storming in to the condo we lived in and began calling everyone involved and tearing a strip off them. She was absolutely pissed they had gone behind her back like this. I sided with her because I understood she felt betrayed but i thought her anger was a bit extreme. I just knew I didn't want that directed at me.

Afterwards she was more negative/pessimistic than before. She told me she didn't love me anymore and that I needed to move out so she could move forward. She said she's felt this way before and knows when she's done then she's done and it doesn't come back. She said she's not the same person anymore. She then decided, in early September 2023, that we should be together. She said she thought it over, knew I was the man she was supposed to be with and was going to stop fighting it.

After that i tried to up my game as a boyfriend. I paid more attention to her, tried to engage in more activities with her, and tried to help out around the house more. She said it was like night and day but, to be honest, I didn't feel like I dong much more than helping out with the dishes more often. If she was happy though then I was keeping my mouth shut. Over the next nine months though, things got weird. It was more insidious than that, it was a slow withdraw of all intimacy and affection while systematically poisoning everything good in the relationship, it was a really bizarre thing to watch.

Then January 2024 came and we got robbed by porch prowlers so I put up a camera. Around the 15th she came clean to me that she was bulimic and had been purging it and hiding it since her family's intervention the previous July. Immediately, she then retracted from me and started saying that she shouldn't have told me because I'll use it against her. I told her that there was absolutely no way i would do that and I wanted to help her. I spoke to a counsellor at an eating disorder organization and she suggested a book to me so i started reading. The bulimia book brought me to Borderline Personality Disorder and so i started researching that online. It was like they were writing about my ex's life story. I hate to diagnose anyone as I am not a doctor but if it quacks like a duck, right?

Anyways, by February 2024 things were pretty tense. I don't even remember exactly why but we were being very distant with each other. For my part, I was reaching the end of my rope with the coldness and was keeping my mouth shut so I didn't say anything in anger I would regret. Friday morning, we were both sitting out on the patio and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I looked at her and said that i thought the way she was treating me was monstrous. She said she didn't have to listen to this so she went back in the condo. So I sent her a text just saying that I think she needs to really reflect on how she's treated mt the last 9 months and ask herself if she thinks I deserve that because i don't and I consider it emotional abuse. She did not respond and I left it at that. That night she came home from work, neither of us talked and we went to separate beds.

The next morning I woke up and came out for coffee just as she was leaving for work. We still did not say anything. I went to the gym and had a good, long workout and then my ex's daughter came home from her dad's. We seemed cool and she was just showing me a bunch of figurines she made. Then her mom came home an hour later. We still didn't talk and she and her daughter left together without saying goodbye. I didn't want to be home alone so I decided to go for a drive. I had a really weird vibe so, about two hours later, I called her and asked what they were up to. She said they were at her mom's so I just said ok, sorry and told her I just had a weird vibe is all. I was embarrassed so i messaged her and said sorry and that I shouldn't have called. That I don't need to check up on her and I hoped they had a great evening. Then I went to Costco. She hated going to Costco so, as a bit of a peace offering, I  decided to pick up what I could remember from the list she had on the fridge.

I still didn't want to be the first one home so I went for a drive a few towns over, closer to the wilderness. I was halfway up a mountain when I got a text from her saying "I'm so sorry. We're done. I'm not happy". I pulled over and tried to call her but no answer so I sent her a text asking to talk and wanting to know what's going on. All she would say is that we would talk tomorrow. I'm not proud of my reaction next. The best I can explain is that all the frustration, pain, loneliness, stress and heartbreak came to the surface and I just started asking her for the truth of whatever's going on. That after four years I deserve to know the truth and asked if there was someone else. It's embarrassing to admit now but all the BPD stuff I was reading kept on talking about cheating and with the cold way she was acting towards me I was starting to get paranoid. It was a strange feeling because I'm not usually jealous and especially not of her the entire time we were together until now. Writing this out actually helps me see just how stressed I was. I really just ignored every warning sign and allowed everything to build up until the pressure blew. I really should have left months earlier. I just didn't want to give up on her and I. I could not believe that someone who idolized me so much could just lose every bit of it so fast. I didn't need her to worship me but I thought we could still get to a more balanced healthy relationship. I see now that I was fooling myself. So when she answered my question about if there was someone else with we will talk tomorrow I thought that was confirmation enough. If you don't get a no to a question like that then it's a yes usually and I don't think I'm the only one who would think that. So I pushed her to answer the question and just talk to me and explain to me what's going on. She told me to stop asking or she'll call the police. I said what? what for? I'm not doing anything illegal so what are you talking about? Yes, I am this stupid.

Her and I had been together for four years and there had never been a hint of violence or abuse. Except, I suppose, about how I felt abused for the months leading up to that night but I'm talking about me. Now I'm not perfect but I don't think I was abusive. I'm looking into that with a counsellor though because the idea scares me to be honest. Her and I had gotten into plenty of disagreements during our relationship but I was actually kind of proud of how we handle them. We definitively both got passionate when we believed in our points but there was never screaming, swearing, or name-calling. Definitely no hitting or even intimidation. She may be small but she's always been street smart and feisty. My family loved that she knew how to handle me and diffuse me when I got grumpy about something. I never in a million years would believe she would be scared of me or anything. I just thought she was trying to control me I guess? That might not be the right word but I went ahead anyways. Ultimately, I sent a mixture of pleading I love you type messages but I also sent a number of mean texts. I thought she was just ignoring me and letting me vent but I was very wrong.

The next morning, I got up and packed a small bag. I had been watching an airbnb up the road because I felt there may be a time that gets so uncomfortable I would need a safe place to go. So I rented it and left. I wasn't sure what was going on so I didn't feel safe. I called her from the airbnb and tried to text her. She answered one time and was crying. I was crying too and asked her to just relax and calm down. She was safe and I just wanted to talk and calm things down. She hung up so I gave up. Later that night our security camera went off and it was her in the backyard with the police. I texted her and asked what was going on and told her to have them call me to deescalate the situation. They did and told me that I was going to be charged but then hung up when I asked what for.
 
At this point I was beside myself with heartbreak and terror. I spent the next day calling friends and woke up from a nap around 7pm. There were 3 missed no caller ID calls and a missed call from my ex's daughters phone and her mothers phone. Plus a text from her mom asking me to call her. I did and it was my ex who answered. She said that she just wanted to say one thing but the police said not to talk to her so I panicked and hung up. The following Saturday she called a friend of mine and wanted to drop me off a bag of clothes. She told him she didn't want it to be like this and that she knew I wasn't violent. She also didn't want me to worry about my belongings and said she was packing everything up into totes for me. Then, the next morning, she called him again and said she couldn't bring the bag because she was too scared.

That same day the police found me and arrested me at the airbnb. I had hired a lawyer the previous Tuesday and he had been calling the police to find out what was going on but no one was responding to him. I surrendered and was arrested and charged with criminal harassment. four days later I was released on bail on Valentines day.

Since then I have been homeless, I have two changes of clothes, my savings (which were supposed to be for the down-payment on a house for her and I someday) and I am in hiding in a 120 year old mansion in the middle of a remote First Nation community in central British Colombia.

Honestly, if you want to point out that I have obvious problems too. Trust me I'm aware at this point and am in counselling trying to figure that out, as well as, a lot of other things a the moment. The biggest red flag to me is that I still actually love this woman and I am so heartbroken that this is what happened to us in the end. In all my life I have never had a sweeter, kinder, and more loving partner. Until things flipped it was what I considered the best relationship of my life. I've had to heavily edit this to fit everything in but there's loads more. Feel free to ask if something doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one but I don't really think what happened here was fair. I had o intention to hurt anyone and I think she knew that and she even told my friend she knows I'm not violent. So, if she knows, I'm not violent then why are you scared? I don't know and the whole thing makes no sense to me. That's why I'm putting it on here. This is just so completely insane so I welcome anyone with thoughts on the matter to chime in. I'm very interested in an outsiders view. Thanks.

[kells76]

Hi Stephen1999 and welcome to the group -- you're definitely not alone in having participated in multiple relationships with pwPDs (persons with personality disorders). Being in this group provides opportunities to process the feelings and losses, grieve, learn about yourself (what it was about you that led you to those relationships), and figure out what you want in relationships moving forward.

A lot happened over the four years that you and your exGF were together. How did the two of you meet? How long was it between when your previous relationship ended, and this relationship with your ex began? Just getting a better sense of your timeline.

Are there still legal issues that you are wrapping up, or is that done? I.e., you mention hiding -- is that for emotional reasons, legal reasons, other reasons...?

I'm aware at this point and am in counselling trying to figure that out, as well as, a lot of other things a the moment. The biggest red flag to me is that I still actually love this woman and I am so heartbroken that this is what happened to us in the end.

That can be common. Do you feel like your "rational mind" is done, but your emotions haven't caught up to your rationality yet?

It's wise to get in counseling when processing a BPD relationship. What has your counselor thought about your situation so far?

In all my life I have never had a sweeter, kinder, and more loving partner. Until things flipped it was what I considered the best relationship of my life. I've had to heavily edit this to fit everything in but there's loads more. Feel free to ask if something doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one but I don't really think what happened here was fair. I had o intention to hurt anyone and I think she knew that and she even told my friend she knows I'm not violent. So, if she knows, I'm not violent then why are you scared? I don't know and the whole thing makes no sense to me. That's why I'm putting it on here. This is just so completely insane so I welcome anyone with thoughts on the matter to chime in. I'm very interested in an outsiders view. Thanks.

BPD is a serious mental illness.

It seems to impact how the pwBPD manages emotions and processes perceptions, thoughts, and memories.

pwBPD likely don't have thought processes like "generally normal" (there's a broad range there) persons. For a pwBPD, it seems that the most important thing to them is their feeling of the immediate moment.

If she felt scared at a moment in time, then "she always felt scared", "you were always frightening", "you were always violent", "you were never going to change".

If she felt happy at a moment in time, then "you two were twin flames", "you were always meant for each other", "she would always love you", etc.

The most important thing to her if she struggled with BPD was surviving her overwhelming, intense, and excruciating inner experience -- not making sure that her statements in the moment always tracked with information she'd heard or agreed with in the past.

It makes sense to me, if BPD was involved, that at one point in time she could say with her words: "I know that he isn't violent" and if her feelings changed in the future -- if something happened inside of her where she felt scared inside, she could say "you scare me". That seems like a feature, not a bug, of untreated BPD.

This is not intuitive stuff -- glad you found us again to process some of what happened.

...

When's your next counseling session?

[Stephen1999]

Hi Kells76. Thanks, nice to be here.

My next counselling session is Wednesday and then Friday. I'm seeing a counsellor my lawyer set me up with and another from work.

Yes, a lot happened . But what I wrote is still not the entire story. I had to edit quite a bit to fit it in.
 
To answer: Her and I met through a dating app. My last serious relationship ended in 2014. Though I did have a few short relationships in between. I work in natural resources so work gets in the way a lot.

The legal issues are ongoing. Still pretty new. About a month in now. The hiding isn't from the law. They know where I am. I'm more referring to everyone else. No way I was staying in the city with her wandering around.

Do you feel like your "rational mind" is done, but your emotions haven't caught up to your rationality yet?
I'm not really sure. Its all a mess right now. Mostly emotional I suppose. Just not sure how I could be uprooted so quickly and tossed out like a piece of trash. I guess I'm mostly just insulted and hurt. I did not see this coming out this way and I'm still a bit shocked.

What you're saying makes sense with what I've read so far. Also, from what I've seen her do.

It's just so messed up. I wouldn't hurt anyone. I just keep kicking myself in the ass for not leaving earlier and letting the pressure build up. I just thought, if I really wanted to spend my life with her, then I shouldn't give up when we hit a bump (didn't realize we actually hit a mountain) especially over mental health issues. Leaving because of that felt unfaithful. Now I feel so betrayed by her actions and embarrassed by my own.

And that's the way it goes eh? I still worry that maybe I'm just completely insane and don't know it. It's also hard to have her and her daughter just disappear so instantly and fully from my life after 4 years together. And God help me I hope the kid isn't scared of me too. That's what gets me. If her and I can't be together that's one thing but to have her go off after all the good things we shared together fully believing that I'm a monster hurts like hell. I just didn't realize she was so close to the edge. So for that I feel like an idiot. I feel like I was staying in a house where I wasn't wanted and too stupid to realize it.

And I'll never talk to her again. Didn't even get to say goodbye. Or rather I did and majorly botched it.

And I worry about them. I worry she will dive further into the bulimia and BPD and lose her life. Or that her daughter will be deeply affected by her mother's illness. I would have given anything to save her but now I am completely blocked and unable to for my own safety. God, as much as this has been a nightmare I feel deep sympathy for these people. It must be a living hell to experience.

So where to go from here? I keep having this fantasy that we'll talk about this someday and, if I work on myself and somehow resolve the legal issues, we may even try again in the future and I will be able to employ what I learned to better manage the relationship. However, I know that's impossible. Sure, BPD people come back a lot it seems but my ex is different I think. She says she never goes back and that once she loses feelings then that's it. She is probably the most stubborn person I've ever met so I believe her. So that's it, it's like they went out for groceries and got hit by a truck or something. So I'm dealing with the grief as best I can but I keep looping in my head looking for answers I know I will never have.

[Pook075]

Hi Stephen and thanks for sharing.

This breakup is still very fresh and every member on this board can remember that feeling of their entire world falling apart.  Our logical minds can't process what happened because there's nothing logical about the situation- relationships don't just blow up over nothing.  Yet with BPD, it can build silently over time and it's very easy to not see any of this coming.  Just know that this is not your fault...even if you made some mistakes along the way.  We're human and none of us are perfect.

For now, your only goal should be to take care of yourself, stay in therapy, and get through today.  Lean on friends and relatives as much as you can, and please feel free to vent here as much as you need to.  What you don't want to do is stay in one place and keep replaying things in your mind; no good comes from that and only brings pain.  So get out of the house, go for more drives, pick up an old hobby, or whatever you have to do in order to stay busy.  Just keep moving.

You'll get through this in time, I promise.  I am so sorry for the way everything played out.

[Stephen1999]

Thank you Pook075
I didn't come on here looking for sympathy but your kind words are very much appreciated
Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind
And I don't know how this could have even happened. I don't know for sure if she has BPD. She's undiagnosed but seems to hit all the marks. Sometimes I wonder if I've diagnosed her just to make myself feel better. That's why I'm posting on here though. To make sense of the situation.
I hate the way I reacted and wished I had just walked away but I loved her so much. I thought we could find a way thru this.

If anyone else out there reads this, I hope they will take away one lesson. If you feel like this may be happening to you, do not let it go as far as I did. Do no let things build up to an explosion. Ge away and get safe. If you feel your partner is BPD and becoming unstable, make sure to get yourself to a safe place and then calm down and make decisions from there. Do NOT underestimate the severity of the situation like I did. Leaving her would have hurt like hell, sure, but this hurts so much more.

[Stephen1999]

She will never come back to me will she?
I can't believe I even want her to after this
but I do
But the door is shut. She has decided I'm a monster and nothing will ever change that
Man, this is the sickest experience of my life

[Pook075]

Thank you Pook075
I didn't come on here looking for sympathy but your kind words are very much appreciated
Honestly, I feel like I'm losing my mind
And I don't know how this could have even happened. I don't know for sure if she has BPD. She's undiagnosed but seems to hit all the marks. Sometimes I wonder if I've diagnosed her just to make myself feel better. That's why I'm posting on here though. To make sense of the situation.
I hate the way I reacted and wished I had just walked away but I loved her so much. I thought we could find a way thru this.

Maybe it's BPD. maybe not.  But the hallmark signs are all there.

You have my sympathy because I was in your position about 19 months ago.  A 24 year marriage ended out of nowhere, with no warning....not even an argument.  And almost every person here has a similar story with a loved one.  So we get it, we truly do, and yes...we all feel compassion for new members since we can vividly remember that feeling.  That's exactly the reason why we continue to come back and try to help others.

To make sense of the situation, I'm going to tell you the God's honest truth- she's mentally ill and does not process her emotions in a healthy way.  Instead, she lets things build up until she's ready to explode internally, and that causes all kinds of toxic thoughts on why it's all happening.  Since none of it makes sense, they blame those closest to them and unleash their frustrations.

My advice- stop judging yourself for something that was outside of your control.  Mental illness is serious and if it was BPD, this was going to play out this way regardless.  Either you would continue taking unfair abuse or the relationship would self-destruct.

As far as your other post, is she really gone?  Maybe.  People w/ BPD tend to cycle back around over and over again.  That's both good and bad news because the patterns you just went through continue to happen.  It's good for a bit and then it gets bad, over and over and over again.

That's why the advice here is to focus on yourself and your own mental health.  You're going through trauma right now and don't know which way is up.  That's normal.  The focus has to be on your own healing and recovery to move past this, even if you do end up reconciling sometime down the road. 

My best advice is to stop second guessing, stop beating yourself up.  This is not your fault.  She's sick brother, and you didn't cause this.

[PhoenixKnight]

From what you have written mate, you haven’t done a lot wrong. I completely understand the view ‘if I’d have known then what I know now, I could help manage the relationship’. You can’t, it doesn’t work that way.

The last 15 months of my relationship I committed to everything I had learned in terms ‘managing’ and living with empathy, but this can only work if the other person is open and working on themselves too. You can’t control other people’s mental health. You can kick it down the road a little, but the fear/anxiety/anger will find a way to come out. This is something inside of them.

[Stephen1999]

Thank you Pheonixknight and Pook075

I appreciate your support

Finally got disclosure today and it broke my heart

She’s making it sound like she broke up with me last June and so refused to leave as opposed to we agreed to work things out

She’s trying to say the camera we installed together after my Nike was stolen in early January was a way for me to spy on her and her daughter.

I actually had a very in depth convo with her when I installed the damn thing to make sure she knew how to use it when I was away for work

For 9 months I was living in a home where I was despised and I had no idea. I fell like a f**king idiot

I do feel like I have a ton of contradictory evidence though
But whatever, I may get out of this but there’s no winners here

And I worry about the kid. I hope she escapes this. Her mother is probably BPD, her grandmother is diagnosed BPD. I just hope she takes after her dad. She’s a good kid