How bad is this?

[CravingPeace]

Part of my journey to working out if I am overly reading into things, or of things are that bad?. Appreciate the feedback.

Wifes bday today.

Last night we were going to go for dinner.
Kids were very tired from school and acting up particularily s7. We agreed as parents it wasnt worth going out as s7 was acting up and clearly drained from a busy school week so decided to stay in.

I went to walk dog and baby and kids at 5pm. Wife asked whats for dinner. I said not sure but happy to do it back in a bit, if you fancy something pls leave it out and I will cook.

Got back she was cooking, i offered to take over so she could sit down. She said "no its done now".

At dinner I could tell she was getting upset. Little comments approaching disregulation time.

S7 playing up saying he didnt want to eat.
So my wife said "great I have to cook on the day before my birthday and we dont get to go out for dinner"

S7 "oh I wanted to go for dinner"

Wife "why do you think we cant go"

S7 "I don't know"

Wife "because your behaviour is so bad we can't go out for dinner"

What progressed from there is my wife got in a huff said something like "whats the point its never fun with you lot I am going to stay at the apartment, packed her bags. She then told s5 he could go to. I flagged it isnt apprppriate to go off last minute and take s5 right before bed time.

S7 was really angry and had a go at her about why she said that about it being his fault about dinner. She said along the lines of "dont worry im going out so you wont need to see me."

It feels bad to me that he was guilted and shamed. Then the toddler tantrum of going out and saying things to upset him.

Can anyone relate to this type of behaviour? I spent a few house defusing , explaining to s7 its not his fault we were all tired mummy gets upset and says things she doesnt mean etc.

I guess I am just looking for feedback. Do parents let their kids know these things so they understand consequences or like I feel was this really hurtful and unecessary? I am second guessing myself alot right now.

[Pook075]

I guess I am just looking for feedback. Do parents let their kids know these things so they understand consequences or like I feel was this really hurtful and unecessary? I am second guessing myself alot right now.

If I heard a parent blame a 7 year old child, I'd be pretty upset and probably say something to them privately.  Then again, I think about my BPD kid at 7 and how rebellious she was, and I can see myself saying something like "We're not going to dinner because you haven't behaved at all today."  I said variations of that many, many times.

Now, the part about your wife leaving and blaming the kid, that's clearly out of bounds.  But again, it would really depend on how horrible the child was because I remember moments where I wanted to scream over my kid's behavior.  For instance, she'd do something bad, we'd send her to her room, and she'd attack her sister, kick the dog, start a fire in her room, dump all the drawers in her room in the middle of the floor, break toys and furniture...whatever she could think of to punish us for punishing her.

My situation was unique though with a BPD wife and BPD kid, and like you I never fully realized that a lot of our relationship wasn't normal.  Some relatives and friends have been shocked when I shared stories.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks Pook075.

My s7 year old has been playing up. He shares many of his mothers behaviours. Very big emotional reactions, an hour before he had punched me, stuck his finger up at me and called me a name. I had sent him to his room. I had then explained being angry was ok, but he needs to breathe and try to control his reactions. He ia getting worse and I have to wonder if its example like these and his mothet makong negative comments about me that is making it worse.

He had calmed down and at dinner yesterday he was just saying he didnt want the food my wife had cooked. The way she laid into him to me looked like she was trying to hurt him. That is what upset me. She was upset cos she couldnt go out, even though she had agreed he was too tired, eventrually it got to much for her she got resentful and it all overflowed. But that is my take, I try to be fair and think am I misreading. Hence wanted to share what went down.

Today s7 has been very angry all morning. I managed to talk to him and he said he was still upset from what mum said. She went out  he was fine we had a great time. She came home he started being mean to me, shouting at me, calling me names almost immediately.. It felt like he was trying to impress her or something.

I eventually said you look like you need a hug, i gave him a big hug I felt him relax and then fed him his meal like a baby and he was then happy and ok!

[Pook075]

Thanks Pook075.

My s7 year old has been playing up. He shares many of his mothers behaviours. Very big emotional reactions, an hour before he had punched me, stuck his finger up at me and called me a name. I had sent him to his room. I had then explained being angry was ok, but he needs to breathe and try to control his reactions. He ia getting worse and I have to wonder if its example like these and his mothet makong negative comments about me that is making it worse.

He had calmed down and at dinner yesterday he was just saying he didnt want the food my wife had cooked. The way she laid into him to me looked like she was trying to hurt him. That is what upset me. She was upset cos she couldnt go out, even though she had agreed he was too tired, eventrually it got to much for her she got resentful and it all overflowed. But that is my take, I try to be fair and think am I misreading. Hence wanted to share what went down.

Today s7 has been very angry all morning. I managed to talk to him and he said he was still upset from what mum said. She went out  he was fine we had a great time. She came home he started being mean to me, shouting at me, calling me names almost immediately.. It felt like he was trying to impress her or something.

I eventually said you look like you need a hug, i gave him a big hug I felt him relax and then fed him his meal like a baby and he was then happy and ok!

What we learned from my kid's therapist was that when she acted up, we HAD TO go on with our lives while also punishing her.  For your example, we'd line up a babysitter and go to dinner without her.  It's so important to drill home that actions have consequences....good actions get rewards, bad actions get punishment. 

At the same time though, you really have to drive home that you don't want to punish, but you have to when there's bad behavior.  It has to be an absolute to really get the point across.

For your wife's part, what did she do when your son hit you?  Did she defend you at all?  That's another important aspect, if dad gets abused and mom ends up getting what she wants, then the kid may mirror that behavior for his own benefit.  So when your wife lashes out and there's not a resolution, the kid learns from it.  Or when mom/dad does something and the other reacts poorly, it's also learned.

[CravingPeace]

Absolutely actuons have consequences we often talk about that. If it had been said calmly I think thats ok. It was the way it was said with intent to punish him, or even hurt him, or to get him back as se was feeling a big emotion. Again my feelings thats how it felt from ehat I witnessed.

To be fair when he is out of line she also tells him so. So it isn't like she lets him hit me and says nothing. But she does say negative things about me to him, sometimes pretending to be joking when I am not around which does undermine. Like telling s7 when he sticks his finger up at me, later she told him she does it when I dont have my glasses on to get me back because of all the things I do! I asked what things does she think I do and He quoted "arguing with her" and forgetting to leave the toilet seat down.

But anyway I think the view is a calmly shared pubishment or consequence can be reasonable, but one issued like that blaming and shaming not ok. Thanks for sharing your views.

[ForeverDad]

Down through the centuries there has grown a saying, Love the sinner, not the sin.  Or something like that.

In other words, when you correct/discipline a child for whatever poor behavior, you must let them know that while you love them you also disapprove of the behavior or action - and there are appropriate consequences.