Rough weekend - constant splitting and threats

[usagi]

Hello forum,

This weekend was really hard.  It started out this past Friday when my partner decided to take off work because she's been very stressed out.  Her son was here also for our share of the custody with her ex.  I was working from home as I usually do.  Part way through the morning I hear the two of them arguing.  This has been going on regularly.  He doesn't want to do his chores and my partner escalates by making threats and name calling.  Her son responds in kind with slamming doors and more name calling.  I do my best to stay out of it but got pulled in later in the day.  My step son likes yanking my hat off and running off.  I've gotten pretty annoyed with this and have asked many times in the past for him to stop and find some other way of getting my attention.  Friday I was in no mood and got upset when he did this.  My partner said I should let it go but I think this is a good lesson in consent.  I don't consent to the behavior and he shouldn't do it.  End of story.  She doesn't see it that way which irritates me.  Anyway, somehow in her mind the whole day was ruined because I was bickering with him.  The rest of the day was a series of fights between the two of them.  At the end of the day I got wrapped up once again when my step son was doing a baking project and couldn't find what he was looking for.  His response to this was yelling and name calling.  I had had enough and went of to get what he was looking for.  My partner got angry with the both of us and left the house.

This really set the tone for the entire weekend.  We had some quiet times where things were going well but it was constantly being punctuated by arguments.

"You made it very clear to me in December that if you had to choose between me and your hobby you'd choose it - I don't know if I can ever get over that."

"You have to fix this.  You're the one that abandoned us and turned your hobby in to something that hurts our family."

It's been constant.  "You left us!!"  So many times this weekend.  I tried to remind her that I'm here now and am working to improve our relationship.  I made the mistake of talking about my hobby once and she lost it.  "That's all you really care about!  Working on your hobby does nothing to help your family!"

Tonight we went out for dinner.  She had been splitting and pretty depressed all weekend.  I admittedly had been getting defensive a bit and not helping the situation.  Work has been very stressful for me lately and this emotional work is made more difficult under these circumstances.  During dinner I got to thinking about work and how I'm really getting far behind.  I was showing my sadness.  On the way home my partner asked about it.  I made some comment about how hard it is to fix something.  She thought I was talking about our relationship. I admitted that it was about work.  She demanded I stop the car so she could get out and walk home.  "You've wounded me!  How could you be sad about work instead of our relationship!!"

Between work and dealing with her, and how poorly her son treats me it was too much.  I feel very defeated and lonely at the moment.

I didn't listen with compassion.  I got defensive, and was judgmental.  She has admitted that she doesn't feel loved anymore and that my work and hobby are more important to me than her or her son.  Then a few fleeting moments she wanted some physical affection and said she loves me and was sorry she was sad.

I'm trying to think of some things I can do to help her feel more loved but am frankly coming up short.  I've suggested taking her out for dinner or travel someplace special.  I get responses like, "I'm too tired" and "I just want to relax at home".  With the way I was treated this weekend I'm not feeling very motivated to try.

I've tried to tell her that I need her and that I don't want her to go.  She's said "it'll take more than words to fix this..."  So I put together a photo album of all the fun times we've had as a family over the past four years.  She really loves photo albums.

I honestly think that the only way she'll feel better about the relationship is if I can keep things predictable and not get into arguments for a while.  She doesn't feel safe coming home, emotionally.  What I can't control is when her son is here.  The two of them constantly bicker and then they both blame me for it.

Maybe it's for the best that she and her son leave...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[usagi]

Last night I was emotionally vulnerable.  I was really worried about work on top of everything.  On the way home I said "it's scary to be expected to fix something when you don't know how it's broken."  My partner though I was talking about our relationship.  I was talking about work.  I'm nervous that I'm not working hard enough and am not pulling my weight.  I needed some reassurance from my partner and it turned into a battle about how I only think about work and my hobby.

Last night she told me I had to leave as soon as possible.  Now, I know logically that she's pulled this before but I was feeling so lonely after not getting my needs met that I took her at her word.  After telling me to leave and that I only think of myself, she demanded that I comfort her by kneeling by the bed and rubbing her back.  I got angry.  I asked her why I should comfort her if she needs to end our relationship.  I told her I couldn't talk anymore and needed to sleep.  This morning she said she took some allergy meds so she could fall asleep.

She went to the rec center to exercise this morning.  I dropped off a present I made for her last night, a photo album of all our wonderful memories from the past four years with a note apologizing for what happened last night.  She texted that she liked the gift but that I still needed to go.  I am hurting her too much with my actions.  She doesn't understand why I stopped loving her a year ago (see previous posts on July hobby).

I'm tempted to take this out.  I feel so exhausted right now.  The constant pressure from this relationship and my work are too much for me to handle.  I love her very much but I'm tapped out.

[kells76]

That's an unrelentingly stressful weekend. I'm sorry it hit so hard 

Couple of thoughts.

One is that there's a difference between the questions of if you should stay, versus how to stay, in the relationship.

I wonder if when stress is lower, your question is more "how do I do this staying", and now, when stress is higher, your question is more "should I be staying".

That leads to another thought -- you're coming down off of a high stress weekend. Maybe you can gift yourself some time to cool off, get back closer to a baseline, before making big decisions about staying or going. I'm not recommending or suggesting any ultimate decision, just thinking of how to acknowledge all you've been through and giving your mind and body a bit of a break before moving on to decision making.

Connected to that -- what can we get off of your plate right now, so that your life isn't just moving from one person's crisis to the next person's crisis. As strange as it sounds, what if you gave yourself a break from any involvement with trying to discipline/parent SS12, just for now? This doesn't have to be a permanent decision, it could be a "just for now" decision. When he gets on a tear with your partner, can you put in earplugs and lock yourself in the office, for example? I know it's not ideal long term, but that's not where it seems like you're at. There's less than zero in your tank -- crisis levels -- how can we change that.

Where you're at is -- you're beyond depleted and you need some care. This stood out to me:

Between work and dealing with her, and how poorly her son treats me it was too much.  I feel very defeated and lonely at the moment.

I didn't listen with compassion.  I got defensive, and was judgmental.  She has admitted that she doesn't feel loved anymore and that my work and hobby are more important to me than her or her son.  Then a few fleeting moments she wanted some physical affection and said she loves me and was sorry she was sad.

I'm trying to think of some things I can do to help her feel more loved but am frankly coming up short.  I've suggested taking her out for dinner or travel someplace special.  I get responses like, "I'm too tired" and "I just want to relax at home".  With the way I was treated this weekend I'm not feeling very motivated to try.

I've tried to tell her that I need her and that I don't want her to go.  She's said "it'll take more than words to fix this..."  So I put together a photo album of all the fun times we've had as a family over the past four years.  She really loves photo albums.

I honestly think that the only way she'll feel better about the relationship is if I can keep things predictable and not get into arguments for a while.  She doesn't feel safe coming home, emotionally.  What I can't control is when her son is here.  The two of them constantly bicker and then they both blame me for it.

I guess the closest I can get to explaining why that stood out to me is that there's this sense that "usagi's job is to take care of Ms. usagi's feelings", so even when you feel like you'd like compassion or care, or you're feeling low, there's this move to caretake her.

Would things really get that much worse if in those moments where you felt a pull to "fix things" for others, to make things better for others, to smooth things over between others, you took that as a sign to take care of yourself?

Overall, I'm wondering if the next week or weeks (or whatever time frame you choose) could look like you radically changing the focus of your caretaking inclinations. For so long, when there have been crises or conflicts, that caretaking energy gets directed to Ms. Usagi and on SS12. And that hasn't made things better.

What if you radically refocused on re-pleting (if that's a word!) yourself for the next while (i.e. lock doors when you work from home, take work to one of those "group office spaces" or Starbucks, spent more time at your hobby or out of the house, did something nice for yourself...), then checked in with yourself when you were feeling better and checked to see if you were up for making big decisions about if to stay/how to stay.

Any thoughts about that?

Really sorry it was such a heavy weekend.

[usagi]

Thanks Kells,

She's asking me to leave right now.  So I've found some temporary housing nearby where I can be by myself and out of the loop for a while.  Our lease is up in June.  We could work on things from more of a distance for a bit to see if we can make some improvements.  Right now all she says is that she's in pain and I have to leave.

Getting some space to sort out the work drama would definitely be helpful.  The parenting isn't usually an issue for me but I'm clearly not meeting my partner's expectations on that.

I'm thinking some separation might be helpful.

[kells76]

OK, sounds like you'll be getting some physical space.

How is your nervous system feeling? Do you feel on alert still, back at baseline, somewhere inbetween?

Are you still seeing your T?

...

My overarching thought right now is that in the past, when there have been blowups or crises, the pattern seems to be that you may say you want something (space, time, permission, etc) at the start, but then if "her needs are bigger", the pivot is to -- what can I do for her or say to her to help her be OK or feel different, so we can go back to being together. Is that close, or off base?

I'm wondering if that urge (help her feel better) will show up during this separation -- she may have a moment of "lucidity" where she "is sorry for putting so much pressure on you", promises things will be different, things will change and be on the upswing, etc, and maybe your desire will be to "go back to show her that you care" -- where many of your decisions are based not on you thinking through and committing to your values and beliefs ahead of time, but are hitched behind her wagon, as it were. If she's remorseful, shows insight, has a good weekend, then you follow her lead.

In the past, that has yanked you around -- you've been through a lot of pain. Maybe this separation can give you time to turn the spotlight on yourself? What are your values in a relationship? What's non-negotiable for you? Can you be in a relationship with someone coping with serious mental illness? Can you be ok with her seeing you as a bad guy -- do you have a strong enough sense of self that you can "let her" have her rapidly changing inaccurate perceptions, and accept that that comes with the territory of BPD?

Hoping that you can decide for yourself how much time apart you will need, and it will be because you thought it through and valued yourself enough to respect yourself -- that you can have the confidence to decide how your life will go in a way that's healthy for you. She may choose to join you in your healthy path, and that would be a true gift, but you can't make her join you, and continuing to be reactive to her emotional state doesn't seem to be working well.

IDK if any of this is on target -- if I'm missing something, do correct me. I know it's always easier "from the other side of the computer screen".

...

Do you have some plans for yourself this week or weekend, that you're looking forward to?

[usagi]

How is your nervous system feeling? Do you feel on alert still, back at baseline, somewhere inbetween?

Are you still seeing your T?

My nervous system isn't too bad at the moment.  I met up with my partner around lunch time though and was a complete mess.  She told me that I was hurting her with my behavior and that I only valued my work and hobby.  I don't remember much after that.  I was crying and just wanted to leave.

I am still seeing my T.

Is that close, or off base?

Yeah I'm a caretaker like most people on this site I'd imagine.  So I tend to put others needs ahead of my own.  I didn't last night.

Maybe this separation can give you time to turn the spotlight on yourself? What are your values in a relationship? What's non-negotiable for you? Can you be in a relationship with someone coping with serious mental illness? Can you be ok with her seeing you as a bad guy -- do you have a strong enough sense of self that you can "let her" have her rapidly changing inaccurate perceptions, and accept that that comes with the territory of BPD?

I think that's yet to be seen.  I have to say I'm a much more grounded person for the experience.  But something I have noticed is that it may mean that I put my needs aside for the other.  I suppose that also happens in more "normal" relationships.  But I needed some comfort and validation last night too and didn't get it.  Instead it became all about her and how I "stabbed her in the chest with my comments."

Do you have some plans for yourself this week or weekend, that you're looking forward to?

I'm actually flying to another state to visit some friends that I haven't seen in a while.  Good timing!

My partner has already said that maybe we should only be apart for a week.  She wants me back.  I need to use this opportunity to figure out what I want and what I'm OK providing her.  She's also asked some questions of me that I need to help answer.  "What has changed since last year?"  "Why don't you love us any more?"  That sort of thing.  Between me, you, and the brick wall I started to enforce a boundary last year.  That came off as I didn't love her as much and valued my hobby more than her.  Now, since I've been busy with work, it's the same for that.

I definitely need some "me" time.  I feel like I've been just serving her and my step son for so long.

One thing I've come to realize about being in a relationship with someone with a severe mental illness is that I need to take care of myself.  I have to preserve my needs and keep myself healthy otherwise things will fall apart.  I need to be almost more of an independent person than in a more normal healthy relationship.  But that also means that I need to have other resources to help me when I need it other than my partner because she may not be available.

[PhoenixKnight]

I just wanted to comment to say I empathise completely with what you have written. Honestly, I could have written that post word-for-word. It’s exactly how I was feeling almost all of last year.

I don’t have the answers for you unfortunately as my relationships ended back in November. I felt great relief initially, and it will likely be better for me in the long run, but it still stings. Ultimately you feel like a failure, made harder because you put so much into it.

You are right in taking time to put yourself first. Continuing to sacrifice yourself will only cause greater mental pain on you if you keep neglecting your needs. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

How do you feel this could be improved? What is your ideal outcome? Good luck and look after yourself mate.

[usagi]

Thanks for the support PhoenixKnight.

Kind of in an undiscovered country at the moment.  My partner and I are still talking.  After I rented a place for the next few months she said she didn't want me to go.  Before I left the house yesterday she said that maybe I should have only planned on being gone for a week.  I reminded her that I didn't want her to feel hurt all the time so we need to change things up.

I really need to use this time and space to sort out my feelings.  Is this something that I really want.  I think I do but things have been very stressful for the past couple of months.

I was reminded of how things were a year ago.  It sort of started out in a similar way.  Whenever step son would be at our house it would be constant battles between him and his mom.  It was all of that conflict that flooded my relationship with her that prompted me to find the therapist I have now.  Eventually my therapist clued me in on BPD as a possible diagnosis that really changed the course of my relationship.

I have since found some good tools for managing her behavior but I still struggle.  Especially if I have other stressors in my life I go back to being defensive and just generally not accepting her BS.

She has been asking me "what changed" last year.  "Why did you stop loving us?"  And I think the answer is that I started holding to my boundaries.  That's the biggest thing I can think of.  The big question is, can I continue to maintain those boundaries while she accepts them and we can move on.  Or will she continue to be stuck on the fact that I started enforcing them.

I am open to improving the relationship and moving on.  But I think we both need to be part of that.  I'm going to use this time apart to think about what I would need to be different to still be together.

[PhoenixKnight]

Understood. Does she know that the change is you simply enforcing boundaries? Have you had a discussion with her regarding this? If not, what does she think the reason is that you ‘love her less?’

It’s a really tough one. I started disengaging the last 6 months when she started to scream. I couldn’t take it. She perceived this as abandonment, even though I preceded this with ‘I love you (name), but I’m not being screamed at again’. This always brought more rage, then tears, then chastisement for not ‘comforting’ her. The last thing I felt like doing was comforting someone who minutes earlier had been calling me ‘pathetic, childish, horrible, nasty, a f*cking piece of PLEASE READ, not a man, heartless, fake, a liar’ (I could go on).

[usagi]

Hey PhoenixKnight,

It's funny (not funny) you mentioned the experience with raging then wanting comforting.  This is exactly what lead me to be off on my own.  She said she wanted to break up while yelling at me for only thinking of my hobby and work.  Then she wanted me to comfort her so she could get to sleep.  Exactly as you said.

She doesn't understand why I "love her less".  All she knows from her perspective is that I made a stand for something I needed in my life last year and she was like "whoa, where did this come from?"  And at the moment my work is a little overwhelming so I'm putting in extra hours to catch up.  All this I suppose equals that I don't love her anymore?

I think if I am to recover this in any way, I need to stop talking about my work and hobby all together apart from when I'll be doing said activities.  She clearly needs more quality time but I'm not sure how much more I can devote.  She gets most of it anyway.  I'm learning to deal with the rages and insults but the problem is that the child does it as well so I get both barrels.

[kells76]

Hi usagi;

How has the last week gone for you?