mixed signals

[MichiganMate]

this girl with BPD I've been seeing is now saying (after she's flaked on 2 dates, we've seen each other a couple months already) that I don't care about her.... I have no idea how she thinks this. what can I do to reassure her I care if she won't meet up? Text her more?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DigitalSanity]

No reassurance is ever enough for them, sorry about that. There's nothing you can do IMO.

[PhoenixKnight]

I found that me ex partner would say this constantly throughout the relationship. It made me ill. I knew I was doing all I could but one missed day resulted in the accusations again.

It’s almost catch 22. You can make your purpose her happiness, but by doing this you are setting your future self up to fail. If you give, give, give early to get her, this will be the expectation for the remainder of the relationship. When you inevitably ease off (a guarantee), this will be viewed that you don’t feel the same. This was my problem as I became her emotional crutch at the expense of my own needs and boundaries.

I would say act in a way which is ‘you’. Just be yourself and act how you would in a relationship. If that is enough for her to remain with you, it will create realistic expectations in her mind moving forward. If she says it’s not enough, you are saving yourself future heartache.

[once removed]

this girl with BPD I've been seeing is now saying (after she's flaked on 2 dates, we've seen each other a couple months already) that I don't care about her.... I have no idea how she thinks this.

what is she telling you (her words) when you have this conversation?

[Skip]

what is she telling you (her words) when you have this conversation?

Know the words will be helpful. 

The best response is often to listen without trying to solve. Let her say whay she feels. Ask safe but clarifying questions to show that you are listening and to help better understand. Then tell her you want to think about what she has said.

Listen. Don't try to solve. One of the most important thing for a person with BPD traits is to be heard. That alone may be enough.

Tell us more.

[MichiganMate]

it doesn't matter, she's not responding to my texts now

but after I said have a great week she wrote, "I bet you say that to all the girls"

this after she's the one who flaked on me and I just then didn't write to her at all  next week. Sounds like BPD to me

[DigitalSanity]

This is exactly what happened to me. It was the first push of a long series of push-pull interactions from her.

Don't pressure her, let her know you'll be there when she needs you, reassure her feelings and so on. Unfortunately it does sound like BPD, though. Make sure you understand this is very likely what you're getting into.

[MichiganMate]

Yes push/pull, hot cold.

Which sucks since before (relatively speaking) she was just all HOT on me.

I'm not wanting to pressure her.. at same time it's been like 1.5 months since we last met. I'm letting her know this is last time I am going to try to. make plans with her because of how unreasonable she is being.. she knows it too.

[once removed]

I'm not wanting to pressure her.. at same time it's been like 1.5 months since we last met. I'm letting her know this is last time I am going to try to. make plans with her because of how unreasonable she is being.. she knows it too.

is it your hope that she will respond favorably to this? would you?

Which sucks since before (relatively speaking) she was just all HOT on me.

are you thinking that if you threaten to withdraw, that that will shift the dynamic back in your favor? reattract her?

[MichiganMate]

is it your hope that she will respond favorably to this? would you?

are you thinking that if you threaten to withdraw, that that will shift the dynamic back in your favor? reattract her?

at end of day 1.5 months is a long time for someone to keep making excuses for not meeting BPD or not. There is no "threat" I can't keep trying to do this if she won't make an effort otherwise.. I'm supposed to wait another 1.5 months at this rate?

[once removed]

at end of day 1.5 months is a long time for someone to keep making excuses for not meeting BPD or not.

it is. whatever the reason, regardless of "fault", the relationship is at a stalemate, and the situation is deteriorating.

restating your position, or telling her something like "this is the last time im going to try, and i really mean it this time" is not going to change that. its not going to make her more willing or eager to spend time with you. it certainly isnt going to reassure her that you care, as you ask about in your OP.

There is no "threat" I can't keep trying to do this if she won't make an effort otherwise.

nor is it necessary if you have determined that the relationship isnt salvageable and have decided you want to walk away from it. rather than break the cycle, it will fuel it, and you will find yourself more frustrated than you are now.

its a little bit like walking away, while turning over your shoulder to see if she follows; its working against yourself.

the relationship problems, whether to stay or go etc, will become clearer and simpler when you are able to stop doing that.

[MichiganMate]

it is. whatever the reason, regardless of "fault", the relationship is at a stalemate, and the situation is deteriorating.

restating your position, or telling her something like "this is the last time im going to try, and i really mean it this time" is not going to change that. its not going to make her more willing or eager to spend time with you. it certainly isnt going to reassure her that you care, as you ask about in your OP.

nor is it necessary if you have determined that the relationship isnt salvageable and have decided you want to walk away from it. rather than break the cycle, it will fuel it, and you will find yourself more frustrated than you are now.

its a little bit like walking away, while turning over your shoulder to see if she follows; its working against yourself.

the relationship problems, whether to stay or go etc, will become clearer and simpler when you are able to stop doing that.

it would definitely frustrate me more imo to just "leave it up in the air" not ever saying I am unhappy with your actions..

at least by telling her directly I am walking away it shows I have a backbone, and that she has pushed me too far. I think right now she assumes she can just walk all over me.

[Skip]

I know we have members in the past write emails to someone who has stopped communicating with them to saying, "I'm not going to write you any more".

It will be seen as needy. "I'm walking away if you don't stop me. I'm opening the door. I'm stepping out."

When you look back a year from now, you will think that too.

When someone goes cold on us, there are not last words for us to say.

Be strong. Just let it go.

The real question to ask yourself, if she does contact you are you going to ignore it or read it (because of backbone) and will respond that you walked away?

[MichiganMate]

I know we have members in the past write emails to someone who has stopped communicating with them to saying, "I'm not going to write you any more".

It will be seen as needy. "I'm walking away if you don't stop me. I'm opening the door. I'm stepping out."

When you look back a year from now, you will think that too.

When someone goes cold on us, there are not last words for us to say.

Be strong. Just let it go.

The real question to ask yourself, if she does contact you are you going to ignore it or read it (because of backbone) and will respond that you walked away?

she hasn't stopped communicating with me, just been very flaky and non commital

I dont really  care how it looks or how appears to be a year from now which is irrelevant.

in terms of "walking away" I just mean I'm going to try meet up with her again and if not delete anything associated with her

[once removed]

a year from now which is irrelevant.

she may be ancient history a year from now.

ive certainly thrown my dignity into the wind before with women. my ego smarted for a while, but i got over it. it happens. i learned from it. did better the next time.

if you continue to use this approach to relationships, a year from now, it will be more relevant than ever. there isnt a healthy minded woman thats going to respond favorably to it, or a fulfilling relationship that will find you. however this goes down with her, surely thats something you desire?

it may be too late to save this, and if you double down, its a foregone conclusion really, but its never too late to learn to make better choices.

[MichiganMate]

she may be ancient history a year from now.

ive certainly thrown my dignity into the wind before with women. my ego smarted for a while, but i got over it. it happens. i learned from it. did better the next time.

if you continue to use this approach to relationships, a year from now, it will be more relevant than ever. there isnt a healthy minded woman thats going to respond favorably to it, or a fulfilling relationship that will find you. however this goes down with her, surely thats something you desire?

it may be too late to save this, and if you double down, its a foregone conclusion really, but its never too late to learn to make better choices.

she made bad choices so I am just returning the favor. It makes no sense what happened