Widowed and now discarded after a year with a pwBPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am a widow. My husband died 2.5 years ago and I started a relationship about 8 months later with a mutual friend of ours who was in the process of getting a divorce. It's so messy. It was the typical idealising, and it started off as just friends, so it felt safe. He got close to me and my 3 kids. We talked about my late husband, we spent hours together, talking, it was really really fun, loving, like we'd found each other as soul mates, and he always told me how much he liked and loved me. I got really close to his kids, and they really liked me.

There were many times he got paranoid, made massive issues out of things I might have said wrong (although he took them as mistakes that he had made, and said he was just always scared of making mistakes with me), never forgot anything, took "space" as he got overwhelmed etc. in particular by our relationship. Always told me he had massive insecurities, didn't know how to be in a relationship, but we always talked it through and carried on. We realised we were carrying out an enmeshed "drama", which we worked on and up until 2 weeks ago, things were really good. In fact, so good, he stayed over for the first time and were talking about when we could move in with each when the kids grew up.

Straight away after that, his mental health spiralled, we spent time apart as he said that being with me was just too triggering. When we did see each other, he was almost catatonic and crying because he felt so bad mentally. I talked to him and said that we could have a break, that it was ok to do that, that I was obviously too triggering for him, but made it clear that wasn't as a permanent thing. I didn't want to be the thing/ the reason he was suffering so much. Just until he could calm down and feel less overwhelmed.

And then the following week he rang me, blaming me for everything - he was spooked out about how I'd been all the way through; I'd pushed him into the relationship - which was of course, the complete opposite - he had instigated everything - and asked if we could change the relationship in some way because he didn't want anyone to know what was going on in his head. Could we meet for sex sometimes, but have separate lives. I said no, got upset, and he just wouldn't let me talk. He was extremely aggressive and put the phone down.

Rang back and said he just wanted to step back from the relationship, maybe we could still be friends, and I said I didn't know....a few days later, I messaged and said I still wanted him in my life as friends...he came round later, and he was like a different person, manic, his eyes looked so scary, he had a weird smirk, he wouldn't let me talk, told me he felt manipulated and it was the end, and at least I could take comfort in the fact that now I know what he's really like. He was so hateful, cold and cruel, and left after 10 minutes of rage. In a later message, I told him how brutal it had been - he replied and said he had been like that out of respect and couldn't even remember half of what he'd said.

Contact has been minimal since then, very cold, business-like, and then finally today, when I asked him to actually communicate with me about it properly and how painful I was finding this, he said, the relationship just hadn't worked, there was nothing more to say and wishes me well. It's incredibly painful. I feel like an idiot. most of my community won't talk to me now because we got together, I should never ever have trusted him, I told him everything about my late husband, I've never shared so much or been so vulnerable. I feel like I've betrayed my late husband and feeling the loss all over again. I'm in a really dark place. I know now it was never real, I know it's his loss, I feel relief that I don't have to placate him and his needs anymore. But where to go now? I feel in limbo and like the past time with him as been a dream, like what's even real anymore. Did I even have a husband? I will be seeing my therapist this week, but I just wanted to put this down here as I don't really know where else to turn to. Thanks for listening.

[Livinglife41]

I am a widow. My husband died 2.5 years ago and I started a relationship about 8 months later with a mutual friend of ours who was in the process of getting a divorce. It's so messy. It was the typical idealising, and it started off as just friends, so it felt safe. He got close to me and my 3 kids. We talked about my late husband, we spent hours together, talking, it was really really fun, loving, like we'd found each other as soul mates, and he always told me how much he liked and loved me. I got really close to his kids, and they really liked me.

There were many times he got paranoid, made massive issues out of things I might have said wrong (although he took them as mistakes that he had made, and said he was just always scared of making mistakes with me), never forgot anything, took "space" as he got overwhelmed etc. in particular by our relationship. Always told me he had massive insecurities, didn't know how to be in a relationship, but we always talked it through and carried on. We realised we were carrying out an enmeshed "drama", which we worked on and up until 2 weeks ago, things were really good. In fact, so good, he stayed over for the first time and were talking about when we could move in with each when the kids grew up.

Straight away after that, his mental health spiralled, we spent time apart as he said that being with me was just too triggering. When we did see each other, he was almost catatonic and crying because he felt so bad mentally. I talked to him and said that we could have a break, that it was ok to do that, that I was obviously too triggering for him, but made it clear that wasn't as a permanent thing. I didn't want to be the thing/ the reason he was suffering so much. Just until he could calm down and feel less overwhelmed.

And then the following week he rang me, blaming me for everything - he was spooked out about how I'd been all the way through; I'd pushed him into the relationship - which was of course, the complete opposite - he had instigated everything - and asked if we could change the relationship in some way because he didn't want anyone to know what was going on in his head. Could we meet for sex sometimes, but have separate lives. I said no, got upset, and he just wouldn't let me talk. He was extremely aggressive and put the phone down.

Rang back and said he just wanted to step back from the relationship, maybe we could still be friends, and I said I didn't know....a few days later, I messaged and said I still wanted him in my life as friends...he came round later, and he was like a different person, manic, his eyes looked so scary, he had a weird smirk, he wouldn't let me talk, told me he felt manipulated and it was the end, and at least I could take comfort in the fact that now I know what he's really like. He was so hateful, cold and cruel, and left after 10 minutes of rage. In a later message, I told him how brutal it had been - he replied and said he had been like that out of respect and couldn't even remember half of what he'd said.

Contact has been minimal since then, very cold, business-like, and then finally today, when I asked him to actually communicate with me about it properly and how painful I was finding this, he said, the relationship just hadn't worked, there was nothing more to say and wishes me well. It's incredibly painful. I feel like an idiot. most of my community won't talk to me now because we got together, I should never ever have trusted him, I told him everything about my late husband, I've never shared so much or been so vulnerable. I feel like I've betrayed my late husband and feeling the loss all over again. I'm in a really dark place. I know now it was never real, I know it's his loss, I feel relief that I don't have to placate him and his needs anymore. But where to go now? I feel in limbo and like the past time with him as been a dream, like what's even real anymore. Did I even have a husband? I will be seeing my therapist this week, but I just wanted to put this down here as I don't really know where else to turn to. Thanks for listening.

[Pook075]

Hello LivingLife and welcome.  Your story is heartbreaking and it also has many relatable themes to what others here have gone through. 

Hopefully you realize that this is not a "you-thing", the problem is his and it stems from mental health and a deep seeded fear of commitment/abandonment.  When things were going well, he was so busy over-analyzing and searching for why the relationship was "too good to be true", that he eventually found the answer in himself.  It's an incredibly sad story and it stinks that it's so common for those with BPD.

Enough about him though, how are you doing?  The therapist is a great idea to talk this out further and gain some understanding.  I'll repeat that this is not your fault and that you did nothing wrong.  Now is the time to focus on you and heal from this difficult experience.

Since you posted in "detaching", I'll add that you're fortunate in a way that this blew up before things got too serious.  You were clearly in a caretaker role to regulate his emotions and that's not fair in any way, shape, or form considering what you've already been through.  As much as this might hurt in the moment, he did you a favor by showing his true colors.  He's broken and it is not your job to fix him...only he can fix himself.

[Livinglife41]

Thank you. By the way, I didn't add that I have only surmised that he has bpd. I am completely convinced that he does though.

[Pook075]

Thank you. By the way, I didn't add that I have only surmised that he has bpd. I am completely convinced that he does though.

That's okay, we don't have to know for sure.  At times, we all have mental illness traits and symptoms...you have them now dealing with this grief and trauma. 

People think of mental illness like a constant thing, a brick wall that will always be there.  Yet psychiatrists see it more like an injury that can come and go, that can be treated, managed, and in some cases moved into remission.  Not all mental illnesses, mind you, but many of them.  BPD/NPD definitely falls into that category.

There's a caveat though, just like physical injuries.  If you have a severe sprained ankle and don't get treatment, it will take forever to heal on its own.  Sometimes it gets worse, much worse.  To move past mental illness, it takes the person suffering to realize that they need help and have to take proactive steps to get better.  It takes hard work and commitment to overcome.

Maybe he had BPD, maybe not.  But we definitely see some BPD traits there that he will personally have to deal with in order to have healthy relationships in the future.  You mentioned that he's never had a successful relationship due to self-doubt, which makes me think this has been a problem for awhile. 

What you're dealing with is temporary, what he's dealing with sounds like it's been more of a constant in his life.

[Skip]

Contact has been minimal since then, very cold, business-like, and then finally today, when I asked him to actually communicate with me about it properly and how painful I was finding this, he said, the relationship just hadn't worked, there was nothing more to say and wishes me well. It's incredibly painful. I feel like an idiot. most of my community won't talk to me now because we got together, I should never ever have trusted him, I told him everything about my late husband, I've never shared so much or been so vulnerable. I feel like I've betrayed my late husband and feeling the loss all over again. I'm in a really dark place. I know now it was never real, I know it's his loss, I feel relief that I don't have to placate him and his needs anymore. But where to go now? I feel in limbo and like the past time with him as been a dream, like what's even real anymore. Did I even have a husband? I will be seeing my therapist this week, but I just wanted to put this down here as I don't really know where else to turn to. Thanks for listening.

Hi Livinglife41...

I'm so sorry for the pain and disorientation that you are feeling. Your sadness leaps off the page.

It's good that you have a therapist and we encourage you to share his thoughts here and our thoughts with him. We want to be a adjunct resource to your care and a place you can go 24/7 to just talk things through.

I don't have any answers for you, but wanted to share one perspective that may help as you are working through this.

Anyone getting into a relationship a few months after the death of a spouse, is going to carry their unfinished grieving and recovery into that relationship. For example, rather than coming to terms with a lose, resetting, and starting over, the coming to terms and resetting are now happening during the "starting over".

The same is true for anyone getting into a relationship before their divorce is final, and before they have gone through divorce recovery. It's not necessarily the person is bad, its the situation and the timing in their life. Divorce is incredibly stressful and stress brings out the worst in all of us. There are books written about the complexities and failures of post divorce relationships. The phrase "high risk" and "high failure rates" are common on the pages of those books. Anyone with any BPD tendencies will tend to disproportionately over-react under stress.

There was likely a massive amount of "life" smoldering in the background of your relationship. Its possible that neither of you were aware and were basking in a feelings of rebirth until the still smoldering embers started to flash.

I know that's a lot to thinkl about right now, but I share it to help explain why you now have questions like "Did I ever have a husband?"  Of course you did. It's just that emotions from one loss and now ensnared in the emotions from another loss.

The boyfriend has an equally complicated, but different, situation going on.

I think giving him space and grace, and even more importantly, giving yourself grace, will go a long way right now. You both needs to sort this out a bit.

We are here for you. Hold onto yourself. The loss and sadness you feel are real and they are about the very loving person you are.

 

Skip

[Livinglife41]

Thank you, this is all really helpful. I've thought about it a lot, and today feel incredibly sad, rather than angry about how he's been to me. I can see how he thought I abandoned him - when I said no to him (fwb situation) after him just blaming me for everything I'd done wrong, and then I said I didn't know if I could even be friends with him, I think that's what switched the switch. I just felt so humiliated by the suggestion - even though I'd been the one previously to say we can have a break because I could see how much the relationship was hurting him.

I remember the day he came round in a rage, he couldn't articulate anything, except to say he felt manipulated by me and then shouting "you knew how bad I felt, how bad I was.." I do regret now not saying I would be there for him as his friend on the phone a couple of days earlier - even though I had texted him the morning before he came round and said that I still wanted him in my life. I know he still wanted the connection with me.

I have such an urge to send him a message, telling him that I did and do love him, because I do (but also, I want to tell him not to reply to me) - I feel sad for him, and I know how hard he tried to stay in the relationship with me. He really did try. And I actually never told him I loved him when we were together. We were both too scared to, I think, but I do think the feelings were there. Or am I deluded? Is the person I'm seeing now, a different one, who feels nothing. And am I just romanticising? Will I regret it? Maybe after watching my late husband die, I don't want to regret anything, but I think I need some perspective on this. Thank you.

[Pook075]

Or am I deluded? Is the person I'm seeing now, a different one, who feels nothing. And am I just romanticising? Will I regret it?

Most of these are questions that only you can answer, since we all have our own wants, needs, and moral compass.  Right now you simply need time to sort through this, to see what matters to you.

From his perspective, it may appear that he feels nothing...but I promise that he feels everything.  He's just hiding it to protect his heart from further pain, further sabotage.  With BPD, the biggest fear is abandonment.  It's all encompassing at times, even when things are great, and their minds will tell them that the slightest things could be signals of the relationship ending. 

So they do what your guy just did, they get overly emotional and self-sabotage, and end up stuck on negative thought patterns that convince them the relationship is doomed to fail.  As this realization hits, they become unstable and say/do things that's outside their character....maybe they lash out, or maybe they become silent.  Their worry of the relationship imploding becomes a certainty because they're making it implode, and they feel helpless to stop it because everything is externalized....it's all your fault. 

But it's not your fault at all, it's BPD driving the broken narrative like it has through all their relationships in life.  It's so much easier to blame you though than to admit that something is very off inside.  None of us want to consider that we may be broken and need help.  So they continue to self-destruct with disordered thinking and unfair blame.

Were you perfect?  Nope...none of us are.  But this really is not a "you-thing".  You didn't cause this and you can't fix it.  What you can do, however, is find a different way to communicate that validates his feelings (not his words) and starts to rebuild trust.  Because that's what all of this is about, his own insecurities and fear of being abandoned.  So he abandons you before that can happen, even though the pain is just as great.  It makes zero sense logically, but this all comes from unstable emotion and unclear thinking. 

It is entirely up to you whether to pursue reconciling or not.  If you choose that route though, then you must go into this with eyes wide open.  He is hurt and suffering and making terrible decisions out of self-preservation....it's like a child who thinks a ghost or a monster is hiding beneath their beds.  The thought is illogical...there's no threat...but the fear is 100% real and can create lasting trauma.

I hope that helps!

[Livinglife41]

Thank you so much. I don't think I could go back to him - not as a partner anyway (not that he would anyway, i think - he's made his mind up). I am in such a state about what has happened and where it's left me, the 3 close friends I have told would think I am mad to do that (I'm almost too ashamed to tell anyone else). They are furious with him, after everything that happened with my husband - I didn't get to say goodbye to him before he died - it was incredibly traumatic - he was only 49 - this feels scarily the same)

I would also not be able to be with him if he didn't know about the disorder and I don't want to be the one to tell him how not normal this all is, although it's also crazy that I can't.
He had been starting a few weeks ago to talk about how he could see things that were facts (ie. me doing something small to "hurt" him) weren't feelings), but he just couldn't get rid of the uncomfortable feeling inside and he just had to trust those feelings and I could see it was all just eating him up inside, until he became catatonic, and then just exploded - like you said. It was like he was possessed by the devil - and still is, but now it's a robot, or an alien who has taken over his body.

He's the most amazing person I've ever met (I'm not including my late husband here - they are very different people), and I know I can't be with him, because I could never go through this again, but  I was thinking about just writing the email to tell him I love him, because it's how I feel.

I just feel totally broken and I've had enough of this life.

[Skip]

I just feel totally broken and I've had enough of this life.

It's very difficult to grieve two losses. When this happens, our minds shift the grief for both relationships to the last. In this sense, we feel far more loss for that person than if we were just grieving a single relationship.

It's a complicated thought and it's not going to make you feel better, but its something to keep in mind as you grieve through this.

You have suffered a great degree of loss. It's hard. It's sad. We are here for you. You can talk through this with us.

I was thinking about just writing the email to tell him I love him, because it's how I feel.

Why not write that letter and post it here? We do this all the time. It's helpful in a lot of ways. It's helpful to go through it and let it age a little before deciding if you want to send it.

[Pook075]

I was thinking about just writing the email to tell him I love him, because it's how I feel.

Feelings are valid- both yours and his.  We talked about his feelings and ways to potentially soothe what he's going through, but for now your feelings are more important because we want to help you get through this, regardless of what decisions you make with him.

If you want to write a letter, write a letter.  It's that simple.  And as Skip said, we will gladly help you polish it up before sending to make sure your intentions will be understood.

Just let us know what we can do to help; you're not alone in this!

[Livinglife41]

Thank you. I’m really scared, I’ve been reading stuff online about the split to black and how the person I knew wasn’t real, and this is the real, dark, psychotic, evil side I’m seeing now. That I’ll never see the “fake” person again, that they’ll always be cruel or just block me forever. It’s really scared me, and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. It’s like history repeating itself, with someone just disappearing. And the worst part is that he knew what I went through with my husband and how horrendous it was. I feel as if I’m in  a nightmare. I’m so afraid and don’t know what to do.i just can’t believe this is happening- I’m afraid to message him- I think he will be just as cold as the last message but I really feel as if I’m having a breakdown/ I’ve got 3 kids to look after in my own and I can’t.

[Pook075]

Thank you. I’m really scared, I’ve been reading stuff online about the split to black and how the person I knew wasn’t real, and this is the real, dark, psychotic, evil side I’m seeing now. That I’ll never see the “fake” person again, that they’ll always be cruel or just block me forever.

To some, it can feel like this at first and I can empathize; I reached that stage of acceptance as well for a short period of time.  I hated my ex and saw her as truly evil.  But once some time passed, I saw a more balanced viewpoint...she was sick and sabotaged our relationship out of fear.  I now feel sorry for her.

Everything you saw of your ex was real, both the good and the bad.  Don't let the internet tell you otherwise because that's amplifying your pain for no reason.

It’s really scared me, and I feel like I’m in a nightmare. It’s like history repeating itself, with someone just disappearing. And the worst part is that he knew what I went through with my husband and how horrendous it was. I feel as if I’m in  a nightmare. I’m so afraid and don’t know what to do.i just can’t believe this is happening

In each post, you've mentioned your husband and I can't imagine what that must feel like.  I'm so very sorry.  This situation is nothing like the previous one though, and now you're grieving both at once. 

It's not your fault and it's so unfair, but you will get through this.  Have you considered local or online counseling to help you cope?  It is worth considering since you're dealing with real trauma that doesn't make any sense right now.

I’m afraid to message him- I think he will be just as cold as the last message but I really feel as if I’m having a breakdown/ I’ve got 3 kids to look after in my own and I can’t.

When Skip suggested a message, the idea was to write something to him...but post it here instead.  Say what you have to say and let it all out.  We'll help you work through those feelings and emotions line by line, and we'll also make suggestions on how you can express yourself better.

And maybe you end up sending it someday.  For now though, we'd be writing this for you to help work through some of what you're feeling.  Think of it as a healing exercise that we can help you with.

Stay strong for the kids, you have to!  I am praying for you!

[Livinglife41]

Thank you. Would it be crazy to message him at this point? I’m desperately searching for answers. I just feel life has played another cruel trick on me and I can’t take it.

[Livinglife41]

Does he really hate and despise me? He was so sweet and gentle. It wasn’t like it was at the beginning when he went overboard with everything, but we just really liked each other, liked spending time together. Despite all his insecurities which troubled him so much. We just really liked each other.

[Livinglife41]

Does his brain make him forget this? I just can’t get my head round it.

[once removed]

I’ve been reading stuff online about the split to black and how the person I knew wasn’t real, and this is the real, dark, psychotic, evil side I’m seeing now. That I’ll never see the “fake” person again, that they’ll always be cruel or just block me forever.

Livinglife, about 95% of what you will read on the internet about personality disorders is going to hurt or confuse more than it helps. Much of it is written by, or marketed to wounded people, and has no credibility at all. There is certainly well grounded information that can help better understand, but it can be hard to navigate. This might be a good start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Setting that aside for a moment.

Would it be crazy to message him at this point? I’m desperately searching for answers.

It doesn't seem like now, when your wounds are raw, and you're grieving, would be a good time to reach out to him. There may be a better time when you're feeling stronger. But searching for answers from someone you've recently split up with isn't likely to help. I wanted to reach out to my ex too - it helped me to remind myself that I could, any time that I wanted, but that now wasn't a good time.

Right now it is probably best to tend to your wounds. We can help with that.

[Skip]

he wouldn't let me talk, told me he felt manipulated and it was the end, and at least I could take comfort in the fact that now I know what he's really like. He was so hateful, cold and cruel, and left after 10 minutes of rage.

It sounds like there was very significant stress going on in this life... what is the story around his divorce?

[Pook075]

Does he really hate and despise me? He was so sweet and gentle. It wasn’t like it was at the beginning when he went overboard with everything, but we just really liked each other, liked spending time together. Despite all his insecurities which troubled him so much. We just really liked each other.

While none of us can know for sure, my best guess would be that he hates and despises himself. 

With BPD, there's stages, which starts with a term called "love bombing" or a "honeymoon stage."  He likes whatever you like, he showers you with love, and he wants only what you want.

Next, he sees small cracks in what he believes is perfection and he starts to self-doubt or second-guess things.  Maybe he complains more often, or maybe he stays quiet.  He begins to devalue the relationship as he questions everything.

You skipped the next few stages and went straight to the discard...which is a blessing in disguise.  It didn't become toxic for weeks, months, or years on end before he reached this point.

Again, he does not hate and despise you.  He's sick and followed a very familiar pattern.  This is not your fault.

The stages I briefly described, they go in cycles.  The next cycle starts everything over again, and it's common for people with BPD to come swooping back in to save the relationship.  A new honeymoon phase starts all over again, but it doesn't last as long as the original time.  Why?  Because he suffers from mental illness and all of this is heartbreaking to him.  But he's also doing it to himself.

Again, he's sick.  BPD is a serious mental illness.  These patterns will continue in his life with everyone close to him (parents, family, friends, lovers) until he seeks therapy and works to overcome the disordered thinking.

Does his brain make him forget this? I just can’t get my head round it.

Nope, he's definitely not forgetting.  If it's BPD, right now he's feeling guilt, shame, and heartbreak.  He's blaming himself while also trying to figure out how this is really all your fault.  He's projecting his own insecurities and faults on you to lessen the pain, and disordered thinking is letting him put normal conversations and actions into a much more sinister light.  He's thinking he had to run, to end things, for self preservation.  But a part of him also knows deep down that it's a lie.

Many BPD's jump straight into another relationship, and the pattern I mentioned starts anew.  But since they enter it unstable, it usually implodes fairly fast.  That's when they try to rekindle things with their ex....or they find a third romantic interest.  They spend their whole lives doing this, constantly at odds with family and loved ones.

It's an extremely sad way to live life, but it's partially outside their control since it's not intuitive for them to get professional help.  After all, he'd say this is your fault...and his ex's fault....and his parent's fault...and his boss's fault.  As long as there are other people to blame, they rarely look inward for the source of all their pain.

[Livinglife41]

Thank you so much. He was attending therapy last year to support going through the divorce etc, but stopped going. He has cut off two friends, in the last few weeks to "put into practice what he'd learnt in therapy". I guess the therapy had the opposite effect. He had no intention of reconciling with the friends - he seemed to really have the deepest of contempt for them. Which is what he now has for me.
I appreciate all the support.

[Livinglife41]

It sounds like there was very significant stress going on in this life... what is the story around his divorce?

It was very acrimonious. There was coercive control by his ex-wife, although now I question that. Saying that, I did witness it first-hand. It was/and still is a very stressful situation.