Almost too hard to leave

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for nearly two years.
He is a recovering meth addict and has mental health issues.
He has tried to work through his issues, seeing counsellors constantly. They are treating his abandonment and anger behaviours. It is only recently that I came across BPD, he ticks all the markers.
I found out recently his adopted Mum told him he had BPD but this has never been confirmed. He does not know he has it or if he does he refuses to acknowledge it. I have not been able to broach the subject his moods are currently all over the place. It would only make him really angry.
His anger is really explosive and it’s a blind rage. It can be physical and it’s frightening.
The issue that is causing so many problems is his feelings of insecurity and jealousy. The daily thought bubbles thrown at me about past relationships. Accusations and horrible, nasty words.
As he has been working away the more intensely he misses me the worse things get. The daily rants out of nowhere, constant put downs, threats and general abusive behaviour is taking its toll.
I try to remain calm and make sure I am not sounding condescending… but after two years I’m worn out and if I’m caught when tired or not in the zone my responses are filled with frustration and that leads to serious aggression.
I have tried to end the relationship numerous times sighting my lack of supportive behaviour as the issue and I do believe that is true. I simply can’t be supportive enough, I just don’t have it in me to continue to be the model of support.
When things are good they are great but we are talking about 1 to 2 days of the week, the rest of the time it’s simply awful. We do talk about our problems, but in reality there is no point, nothing changes.
I think I am the wrong person for him, he refuses to just let me go. He is coming back to our home city next week but realises he can’t stay with me. It’s not safe for me, the physical violence has been escalating and I can’t have him here.
I am feeling quite hopeless and sad about it all.

[Benji]

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for nearly two years.
He is a recovering meth addict and has mental health issues.
He has tried to work through his issues, seeing counsellors constantly. They are treating his abandonment and anger behaviours. It is only recently that I came across BPD, he ticks all the markers.
I found out recently his adopted Mum told him he had BPD but this has never been confirmed. He does not know he has it or if he does he refuses to acknowledge it. I have not been able to broach the subject his moods are currently all over the place. It would only make him really angry.
His anger is really explosive and it’s a blind rage. It can be physical and it’s frightening.
The issue that is causing so many problems is his feelings of insecurity and jealousy. The daily thought bubbles thrown at me about past relationships. Accusations and horrible, nasty words.
As he has been working away the more intensely he misses me the worse things get. The daily rants out of nowhere, constant put downs, threats and general abusive behaviour is taking its toll.
I try to remain calm and make sure I am not sounding condescending… but after two years I’m worn out and if I’m caught when tired or not in the zone my responses are filled with frustration and that leads to serious aggression.
I have tried to end the relationship numerous times sighting my lack of supportive behaviour as the issue and I do believe that is true. I simply can’t be supportive enough, I just don’t have it in me to continue to be the model of support.
When things are good they are great but we are talking about 1 to 2 days of the week, the rest of the time it’s simply awful. We do talk about our problems, but in reality there is no point, nothing changes.
I think I am the wrong person for him, he refuses to just let me go. He is coming back to our home city next week but realises he can’t stay with me. It’s not safe for me, the physical violence has been escalating and I can’t have him here.
I am feeling quite hopeless and sad about it all.

[kells76]

Hello Benji and

Thanks for the detailed background on your situation. It sounds pretty volatile -- violence and jealousy combined with MH issues can be unsafe.

In the past, when you would try to end the relationship, what did that look like? Text? Phone call? In person? What brought you back in?

Sounds like even though one problem is how he feels (jealous and insecure), at the overarching level, you are done with the relationship and would like to find a way to move on safely?

I'd be curious if you took the MOSAIC assessment for violence what score you might get. It can be helpful to get an outside look at your situation. The assessment is free though you will need private email to take it.

I'd also be curious to learn what a DV counselor might say about your situation. The USA national free hotline is 800-799-7233 (you can also text START to 88788). You aren't required to do anything, you can just have someone experienced listen to you and share what may help keep you safe.

With a week to go before he returns, it is worth considering having a safety plan in place, given your concerns about escalating violence. You're being wise to recognize that he can't stay with you. The DV hotline can walk you through safety planning, or you can take a look at our safety plan and see what applies to you.

...

Do you still take his calls/texts?

[Benji]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you for your response and questions.
In the past when I have broken it off it has been through all mediums.
I always end up back with him and I never really know how that happened. When I break it off he will first respond with anger then this subsides to calm and apology, discussion and suddenly there I am.
He is very engaging so we don't necessarily talk about the issue but have great chats about things which slowly move towards us doing something or organising something and there we are.
Like this time, I have refused his calls and texts. I don't block him unless I have too cause that makes everything so much worse. So I silence him on my phone. He sent me a message earlier asking if I could help with a pivot table he is struggling with, so I have. Then sends a message saying he is such a loser, which he isn't and so I tell him that and reassure him that he is on a positive path at the moment but needs to really stick to it. I can feel my resolve slipping already...

I've just logged into the Mosaic Assessment, I will do it tonight. I had never heard of it so thank you. I am a little nervous about what the truth will be, although I think I know it in the back of my head.

I went to counselling for three visits, in one she suggested I hit him over the head with a saucepan... I felt it was too empathetic and not really what I needed. I was after resources and strategies to help me.

Yes I have been thinking about a plan of action. My biggest assist will come from reminding him that he doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardise his new job. I have also told him my son will be staying at times throughout the week, that generally keeps him away as he is embarrassed that my lads (30 and 29) know about his behaviour. I do however need more of a strategy than that. Last time he was here and I threatened to call the police he destroyed my phone. So I have it fresh in my mind that I need to consider this carefully.

Last time we spent time together I printed out cards with the Mens Domestic Violence number and Womens help line on and gave him his and kept mine in line of sight. I made sure they were around all the time. Ofcourse when he went to call before the escalation of violence he said he could get through. but it did calm things down a little.

I re read my post and find it difficult to see me, I sound so insipid and I'm not I'm a really strong minded person.

Thanks so much for giving me your time. I have had a look at some of the resources and will immerse myself in them.

[kells76]

Hey Benji, good to hear back from you.

I always end up back with him and I never really know how that happened. When I break it off he will first respond with anger then this subsides to calm and apology, discussion and suddenly there I am.
He is very engaging so we don't necessarily talk about the issue but have great chats about things which slowly move towards us doing something or organising something and there we are.
Like this time, I have refused his calls and texts. I don't block him unless I have too cause that makes everything so much worse. So I silence him on my phone. He sent me a message earlier asking if I could help with a pivot table he is struggling with, so I have. Then sends a message saying he is such a loser, which he isn't and so I tell him that and reassure him that he is on a positive path at the moment but needs to really stick to it. I can feel my resolve slipping already...

Makes sense that each step of reconnecting seems so innocuous on its own, like "it's just responding to one text about a problem", "just reassuring him one time", etc, that it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

Maybe that's how you end up back with him -- not through "one grand gesture" but through tiny steps, each of which "seems OK" on its own but all of which add up to a direction towards the relationship?

I wonder if it could be helpful, if moments like that happen in the future, to pause and ask yourself: "is this a tiny step in a direction that I want, or don't want?"

I've just logged into the Mosaic Assessment, I will do it tonight. I had never heard of it so thank you. I am a little nervous about what the truth will be, although I think I know it in the back of my head.

I "took it" recently because I was curious about how it would assess my H's relationship with his kids' mom (in the past, around when they divorced). It rated that time of their separation/divorce as a 6/10 and suggested that situations like that typically escalated. Let us know if you end up taking it -- it just provides information, it doesn't tell you what to do.

I went to counselling for three visits, in one she suggested I hit him over the head with a saucepan... I felt it was too empathetic and not really what I needed. I was after resources and strategies to help me.

Wow, that sounds surprising. Were you hoping for less "you deserve better, dump him" and more "here is how to navigate where you are at"? Or something else?

Yes I have been thinking about a plan of action. My biggest assist will come from reminding him that he doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardise his new job. I have also told him my son will be staying at times throughout the week, that generally keeps him away as he is embarrassed that my lads (30 and 29) know about his behaviour. I do however need more of a strategy than that. Last time he was here and I threatened to call the police he destroyed my phone. So I have it fresh in my mind that I need to consider this carefully.

You're doing well be proactive and brainstorm ahead of time (versus ignoring/hoping it'll be OK). It's also smart of you to recognize that you may need a more robust safety plan. That's wise.

To me, he sounds too volatile to be in the same room with you when you dial the police or talk about dialing the police.

I'd be curious to find out what a DV hotline would recommend after hearing that he destroyed your phone when you said you would call the police?

Last time we spent time together I printed out cards with the Mens Domestic Violence number and Womens help line on and gave him his and kept mine in line of sight. I made sure they were around all the time. Ofcourse when he went to call before the escalation of violence he said he could get through. but it did calm things down a little.

Tell me a bit more about this situation -- does he recognize or accept that he has rants and has explosive physical anger and generally abusive behavior?

You don't rant, have explosive physical anger, or generally abusive behavior?

I re read my post and find it difficult to see me, I sound so insipid and I'm not I'm a really strong minded person.

Thanks so much for giving me your time. I have had a look at some of the resources and will immerse myself in them.

I think it can happen in high intensity relationships, that one partner "loses" him/herself in an effort to control, prop up, or maintain an unhealthy dynamic: "If I just gave more, were more supportive, learned more, tried harder, had the knowledge, then we'd finally be happy together".

Reminding yourself of things you like to do (movies, books, food, recreation, favorite color, places to go), and even doing some of them, no matter what anyone else thinks,  may be a step in the direction of reclaiming yourself.

Let us know which resources stood out to you, we'd love to hear more.