Well I didn't you the quote thing correctly but now i know for next time. LOL
No worries about the quotations -- took me a while to get it, too. I popped in there and adjusted them for you
She Has Been working with a therapist, She Accepts it, however seems to act like now that she knows about it she knows what is going on. She won't really say that but that's how she's acted. Working on it is learning how to regulate her emotions.
OK, that sounds like there is some hope. If we set all the blaming to the side for now, have you noticed any changes in her ability to regulate her emotions?
For me, I'd be less tied up in how she describes how she's doing ("I'm their #1 patient, I know all the skills, they are so impressed with me") and more noticing if she keeps going. She may describe her sessions through a "BPD lens" (minimizing shame) so who knows what really got said or done in there -- but if she is committed to going, that seems more important.
Yes, I currently have a T and I am working with him on my short fuse. I normally am very patient and I have a really long fuse. I am working with my T who funny enough was our Couples counselor. So he has seen first hand how she acts. Like when i start talking she would roll her eyes foot would start to twitch and she wouldn't let me finish my sentences ever. She would always cut me off and snap at me with defensiveness.
Good to hear you have a T -- so important when BPD is in the mix.
What does your T have you working on right now?
One Wild interaction i had with her was when my daughter was sick, Had a cold. So I woke up on my day off and went to go buy my daughter flowers to make her feel better. When I got home I brought her the flowers, She smiled and was happy. It did in fact make her feel better even if it was temporary. My wife's response was this...
Her: You bought her flowers but you could have bought me flowers too.
Me: She doesn't feel good so i just wanted to make her feel better, Sorry I didn't think about that. She has a cold.
Her: You never do nice things for me, You didn't even buy me flowers on my birthday.
Me: I absolutely DID buy you flowers on your birth day and even brought them into your work as a surprise. So what are you talking about?
That was where the conversation ended and she walked away from me. It's always a pity party for her.
Here's where the rubber meets the road. Just like if you were married to someone with a wheelchair, your spouse would have physical limitations, you're married to someone with BPD traits and behaviors, which means
she has real and significant emotional limitations. It would be nice if she didn't -- just like it would be nice if a spouse who used a wheelchair could walk -- but we're in the relationships we choose to be in, not the relationships that "should" be.
That means that the only changes you have control over are changes you make. Fortunately, you are able to make changes that impact the relational dynamic, that don't require your W to like them, agree, or cooperate.
Thank you for typing out the back-and-forth dialog, that is super helpful. What stood out to me was:
Her: You bought her flowers but you could have bought me flowers too.
Me: She doesn't feel good so i just wanted to make her feel better, Sorry I didn't think about that. She has a cold.
Have you had a chance to check out our workshop on
Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) yet?
One of the key concepts there is that we can inadvertently fan the flames of conflict when we defend ourselves, explain why the partner is "wrong", justify our actions, etc.
When your W said "you could have bought me flowers, too", even though her words "seemed" to be pointing out something to be clarified, the emotions behind her words were really important.
My gut feeling is that she felt left out, and that hurts.
That doesn't mean "in the future, legacy89 has to only say and do things that always include Mrs. legacy89" -- not at all.
What it does mean is that pwBPD often express feelings with what they say, and when they don't experience their feelings being noticed, they can escalate (more conflict, more argument, louder) in a bid to get those feelings noticed.
The way emotional validation works is that it isn't agreeing that she's right, doing something to make her feel better, explaining why she didn't have all the facts, or trying to smooth things over. It's just noticing how she feels, thinking of how that would feel if you felt that way, and only engaging with the feelings:
Her: You bought her flowers but you could have bought me flowers too.
Me: She doesn't feel good so i just wanted to make her feel better, Sorry I didn't think about that. She has a cold.
Me: That would really suck to feel left out of getting something nice like flowers.
Emotional validation isn't a "lever" or "magic wand", but it is a way to connect to her emotions so she feels heard, without going down the road of escalating a conflict.
Another it.... we are redoing our bathroom and we need to choose new tile, bathtub, vanity, everything. I choose several tile options. here is how it went down.
Me: I like these tiles they look great marble, Darker tiles with white streaks through them or lighter with dark streaks going through them.
Her: I hate marble, You only like that cause you're italian and that is an italian thing.
Me: No, I just really like how it looks for the bathroom we are trying to go for but its no big deal lets pick something we both like.
Her: I like this tile here.... It is nothing like what you picked....
(The tile she picked was in fact marble light color with light brown streaks in it)
Me: That looks similar to what i wanted I just don't know if it would match the white and black colors we are using in the bathroom as this tile is brown. I think we should match it with the colors more. But lets not worry Because we dont have to pick the tile just yet. We can keep looking and figure something out.
Two days later....
Her: I am glad we made a choice on that tile in home depot I think it would be perfect for this bathroom.
Me: I never Agreed on a tile, I would like it if we could work together to find something we both like. Normally you always choose everything and i think it is fair that we both agree on something.
Her: But you did agree and that is what we are going with.
Me: I would really like it if all the decisions on the house are made as a team and I think we need to work on that together.
Her: I dont know what you're talking about you always do what you want anyways.
Some more banter and She said she would try to work on it more with me. She hasn't as of yet. But she said she would.
Couple of options on the table here.
Me: I like these tiles they look great marble, Darker tiles with white streaks through them or lighter with dark streaks going through them.
Her: I hate marble, You only like that cause you're italian and that is an italian thing.
Me: No, I just really like how it looks for the bathroom we are trying to go for but its no big deal lets pick something we both like.
Depending on the "vibe" in the room, you may be able to use some genuine curiosity to steer away from "conflict" and towards "understanding":
Me: I like these tiles they look great marble, Darker tiles with white streaks through them or lighter with dark streaks going through them.
Her: I hate marble, You only like that cause you're italian and that is an italian thing.
Me: No, I just really like how it looks for the bathroom we are trying to go for but its no big deal lets pick something we both like.
So you don't like marble? What are some other ones you saw that you liked? (note, tone is really important here -- sarcasm is a non-starter but genuine curiosity makes a difference)
That puts the ball back in her court. Both of you are allowed to express what you like and don't like, but stewing in it doesn't get you anywhere. Sure, she can hate marble, she's allowed to -- but what suggestions does she have to move forward?
Another option is true boundaries (rules for yourself, not for other people).
You may decide for yourself ahead of time that you don't like negative statements about your ethnicity. That is fair. You aren't required to continue in conversations where people say things you experience as hurtful. So, you aren't required to emotionally validate, or be genuinely curious -- you are allowed to exit:
Me: I like these tiles they look great marble, Darker tiles with white streaks through them or lighter with dark streaks going through them.
Her: I hate marble, You only like that cause you're italian and that is an italian thing.
Me: No, I just really like how it looks for the bathroom we are trying to go for but its no big deal lets pick something we both like.
Me: I don't really like being talked to that way. I'm going [to the grocery store, on a run, to take a bath, to the library], I'll be back in a couple of hours.
That isn't to punish her, teach her a lesson, or make her do anything. It's just to protect you from hearing hurtful words, which are damaging to you and the relationship.
...
Any thoughts on what sounds try-able for changing the conflict dynamic?
We have a great section on
relationship skills for BPD if you haven't seen it yet. I tend to recommend the workshops on Boundaries, Validation/Invalidation, and not JADEing, but there's so much good stuff there.
Keep us posted;
kells76
