One week down…

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it’s been a week since I left my 13-year marriage with my uBPDw.

The kids have been with me in the new apartment, just a few minutes away in the same town. Literally in the backyard of my wife’s job. That was for a variety of reasons, like she can’t get them to and from school most days, and also what I felt was repeated psychological abuse that she was inflicting on the children and her substance abuse issues.

I petitioned the court for temporary custody and was denied surprisingly. We have a custody hearing on 3/22.

Some takeaways?

For the most part I’m loving the peace and quiet. My new place is quiet. Very little neighbor noise, cars, etc. It’s quiet and stress-free. The kids seem good with it.

Yes they miss mom and I’m doing my best to keep things in context for them (they’re 11 and 8) while making sure never to badmouth her.

It’s clear to me that they, especially my 11 year old, feel *responsible* for mom; that mom is weak and vulnerable and that they can strengthen her through love and attention. It’s sad to watch. “What if mom kills herself? What if mom gets depressed without us?”

There has been very little contact between wife and I. She didn’t even call to talk to the kids for the first few days. Nothing at all. She does send a few nasty, antagonistic texts per day. The theme is very clear: “I’m the victim. You did this to me. I can’t believe it. You’re bad.”  I don’t even respond to them.

She hasn’t said one thing grounded in the here and now. Nothing about kids, clothes, pets, bills, divorce, nothing. I told her she has to get off my business’ phone plan and get her own. She is beside herself over that. She can’t believe it. To her it’s the worst affront she’s ever suffered. “Why are you punishing me this way? Why are you being so cruel?”

She’s had the kids here and there. A couple overnights, etc. It’s clear to me that the psychological games haven’t stopped. My 11 year-old:

“Mom said you changed; you’re not the man she married. She said you changed when I was born. She wanted to have me and you didn’t.”

I’m doing my best to stay consistent, steady, calm and reassuring for the kids’ sake.

It gets a tiny bit easier every day.

[M604V]

So it’s been a week since I left my 13-year marriage with my uBPDw.

The kids have been with me in the new apartment, just a few minutes away in the same town. Literally in the backyard of my wife’s job. That was for a variety of reasons, like she can’t get them to and from school most days, and also what I felt was repeated psychological abuse that she was inflicting on the children and her substance abuse issues.

I petitioned the court for temporary custody and was denied surprisingly. We have a custody hearing on 3/22.

Some takeaways?

For the most part I’m loving the peace and quiet. My new place is quiet. Very little neighbor noise, cars, etc. It’s quiet and stress-free. The kids seem good with it.

Yes they miss mom and I’m doing my best to keep things in context for them (they’re 11 and 8) while making sure never to badmouth her.

It’s clear to me that they, especially my 11 year old, feel *responsible* for mom; that mom is weak and vulnerable and that they can strengthen her through love and attention. It’s sad to watch. “What if mom kills herself? What if mom gets depressed without us?”

There has been very little contact between wife and I. She didn’t even call to talk to the kids for the first few days. Nothing at all. She does send a few nasty, antagonistic texts per day. The theme is very clear: “I’m the victim. You did this to me. I can’t believe it. You’re bad.”  I don’t even respond to them.

She hasn’t said one thing grounded in the here and now. Nothing about kids, clothes, pets, bills, divorce, nothing. I told her she has to get off my business’ phone plan and get her own. She is beside herself over that. She can’t believe it. To her it’s the worst affront she’s ever suffered. “Why are you punishing me this way? Why are you being so cruel?”

She’s had the kids here and there. A couple overnights, etc. It’s clear to me that the psychological games haven’t stopped. My 11 year-old:

“Mom said you changed; you’re not the man she married. She said you changed when I was born. She wanted to have me and you didn’t.”

I’m doing my best to stay consistent, steady, calm and reassuring for the kids’ sake.

It gets a tiny bit easier every day.

[EyesUp]

Aspects for your experience mirror my own - I remember that feeling of peace and quiet.

Of course the kids are the most important thing.  How did you answer those questions?  Obviously you know you can't fight fire with fire, and you're on the right path re: no disparagement - however doubts and resentments can flourish in silence.

How are your preparing for the 22nd?

What does your atty to have to say about next steps? 

Enjoy these moments of relative quiet...


 

[kells76]

Thanks for filling us in. I bet the quiet does feel good.

I have the same question as EyesUp:

How did you answer those questions?

Especially this one:

My 11 year-old:
“Mom said you changed; you’re not the man she married. She said you changed when I was born. She wanted to have me and you didn’t.”

A big mindset shift will be away from defending yourself and towards focusing on how your child is feeling when saying that stuff.

We can walk you through that approach.

...

She hasn’t said one thing grounded in the here and now. Nothing about kids, clothes, pets, bills, divorce, nothing. I told her she has to get off my business’ phone plan and get her own. She is beside herself over that. She can’t believe it. To her it’s the worst affront she’s ever suffered. “Why are you punishing me this way? Why are you being so cruel?”

Given that you're here because you suspect she has BPD, a real mental illness, it may be helpful to pivot away from the shock/frustration/etc when she isn't in touch with reality, and towards expecting the disconnect with reality. Moving away from "I can't believe she's doing the BPD stuff again" and towards "Well, I'm not surprised she isn't in touch with reality... now, how can I move forward effectively" will preserve your energy for what matters -- your kids -- and stop you from expending it on what you can't change -- her mental health.

Instead of "asking and waiting" for her cooperation about her initiating getting off the business phone plan... how about "deciding and informing" that you will remove her from the plan by Day/Date?

Waiting for cooperation (rationality) from a pwBPD during a high stress situation... expecting that to work is a "you problem", not a "her problem", if that makes sense.

...

Is there any language in the custody agreement about how the parents will communicate (i.e., text, call, email, app...)?

[M604V]

Preparing for the 22nd? Not sure. Putting as much of it into the attorneys hands as I can. With the ever-present focus on: “wife and I are adults. We can defend ourselves. The kids can’t.”  That said I’m prepared to subpoena the kids’ teachers, therapists, social workers, anyone I have to in order to keep my children healthy.

I’m not anti-mom, I’m just fully committed to only having healthy people in their lives.

I have stayed away from badmouthing Mom in the traditional sense. None of that at all. But it is important to me to answer the questions (sometimes “I don’t have a good answer” is an answer) and trying to keep things in context for them. Reminding them that people can hold differing opinions. That you don’t have to automatically agree with adults. Using various anecdotes to walk them through different concepts, like why Person A would come come to you and tell you something bad about Person B. Walking them thru those types of things to try and help them draw their own conclusions at trust their own feelings.

But it’s hard. It’s really really hard not to say: “we’re in this position because your mom is acting like an a$$hole.”

We haven’t even gotten into the nuts and bolts of custody and visitation yet. I suspect it will be M-F with me and weekends with her for now, considering our work schedules.

Thank you Kells. Honestly her “detachment from reality”, if you will, makes it easy. Her unbridled emoting is just that: emoting. I don’t reply to it or try and play into it. We’ve spoken on the phone once, briefly. I said next to nothing except “I’m setting boundaries so my feelings don’t get hurt.” When she started to yell I hung up.

I have no delusions about her being civil or cooperative at all.

The comment about me “changing” and not wanting my daughter? “Everyone changes in 15 years. I don’t remember what I was thinking when you were born but I can tell you this: I’m really glad you’re here now.”

I’m going to ask that we use a parenting app and that she can video-call the kids in the Alexa. I think she’s likely to behave herself if she knows someone is monitoring.

Thank you Kells for the offer. I just got Splitting but haven’t started it yet. I’m open to any and all feedback.