She’s now made threats, and may have tossed my belongings.

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The last time I posted on here I was conflicted about what to do about my ex fiancé wbpd holding onto thousands of dollars of tools and personal possessions of mine.

I had reached out to her by text and asked if we could make arrangements for me to get my things. After 2 months of her not responding to anything and having me blocked on everything she calls me. She very obviously still had me split black. I was at fault for everything. It was basically a 20 minute rage session against me. The call ended with me redirecting back to my stuff, to which her response was “well sue me” and she hung up.


Fast forward 3 weeks. She sent me an envelope full of my junk mail with a sticky note in it that said “please change your address”. Not any of my important mail that I know has gone to her house. This upset me, so I texted her again saying how ridiculous this all is and that if she won’t return my things I’m going to get a lawyer involved. Her response to me was that she didn’t have anything else that belonged to me, which is opposite of what she said during the phone call 3 weeks ago. And that if I contact her again she will file harassment charges.


I just feel like I’m at a loss here. I know a lot of her behavior is due to the split. During our first break up she had shown a lot of paranoid behavior directed at me. This time she’s threatening the law. I want all my things but I also don’t want to escalate with her. I’m scared if I do involve police, or a lawyer I could open myself up yo a false accusation. I feel like there’s a reason she’s hanging onto my things, and she just wants me to shut up and play whatever game she’s playing on her terms. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know what I should do here

[pipefitter]

The last time I posted on here I was conflicted about what to do about my ex fiancé wbpd holding onto thousands of dollars of tools and personal possessions of mine.

I had reached out to her by text and asked if we could make arrangements for me to get my things. After 2 months of her not responding to anything and having me blocked on everything she calls me. She very obviously still had me split black. I was at fault for everything. It was basically a 20 minute rage session against me. The call ended with me redirecting back to my stuff, to which her response was “well sue me” and she hung up.


Fast forward 3 weeks. She sent me an envelope full of my junk mail with a sticky note in it that said “please change your address”. Not any of my important mail that I know has gone to her house. This upset me, so I texted her again saying how ridiculous this all is and that if she won’t return my things I’m going to get a lawyer involved. Her response to me was that she didn’t have anything else that belonged to me, which is opposite of what she said during the phone call 3 weeks ago. And that if I contact her again she will file harassment charges.


I just feel like I’m at a loss here. I know a lot of her behavior is due to the split. During our first break up she had shown a lot of paranoid behavior directed at me. This time she’s threatening the law. I want all my things but I also don’t want to escalate with her. I’m scared if I do involve police, or a lawyer I could open myself up yo a false accusation. I feel like there’s a reason she’s hanging onto my things, and she just wants me to shut up and play whatever game she’s playing on her terms. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know what I should do here

[Pook075]

Hey buddy, I'm really sorry this is dragging out negatively for you.  I don't have any answers but if it were me, I'd contact the police and explain the situation.  They deal with that sort of stuff all the time and they'd rather you call and have an escort to get your stuff than you showing up blind and she pulls out a shotgun (it happens). 

In my state, they'd contact her and ask for a time for you to recover your things (usually within 48 hours of contacting her) and then the police would meet you there, escort you if you had to go inside or in a building, etc.  If you use any of those tools for work, they'd take it more seriously since it ties into your earning potential.

However, I'd also be prepared for all your stuff being gone...whether she gave it away out of spite or pawned it.  This would involve getting an attorney or writing a demands letter for your tools, which you'd list out and also provide a cash value for each.  You ask for the tools in writing, and if she doesn't comply then you could file a civil suit.  More often that not though, the demands letter is enough to get the other person to comply, especially if it comes from a law office.

I wish you luck- I'm sure it's not any fun.  How are you holding up otherwise?

[pipefitter]

Hey pook thanks for the response. I’m actually doing much better. The more time spent with very limited contact the better I feel. I realize more every day just the kinds of off the wall behaviors she would have. And how much I willingly tolerated. I’m starting to look at myself like “dude, why did you do this”. I know I’m no where near healed. I’m still working in T on codependency and why I engaged in this relationship for so long. I’m working on building my own skills to avoid going back if that becomes an option, or to never fall in with another cluster b again.

I’m posting in conflicted because there is still a lot of loose ends from the relationship that aren’t tied up. And I’m not naive to myself. I know if she were to reengage while saying the right things right now there’s a very good chance I would do it.


Ya, the advice you gave about the police or a lawyer is what I’m getting from a lot of my family and friends. I hate to do that but I think those are my only options other than waiting her out and hoping she paints me white again. But that opens up another can of worms. During our first break up she said she sold/ three away a lot of stuff from our relationship. Gifts she bought me. Personal items. But it turns out she kept them all. It’s all so mind boggling to know what to think

[once removed]

I’m going to get a lawyer involved.
...
And that if I contact her again she will file harassment charges.
...
This time she’s threatening the law.

pipefitter, you threatened the law. she threatened you back.

conflict 101: when youre in a high conflict situation, and you escalate, its a battle of wills. the more you escalate, the more she will.

if the items are that important to you, you can go ahead and obtain a lawyer. it might scare her into compliance. you can contact the police, and achieve the same.

I feel like there’s a reason she’s hanging onto my things

does the reason really matter? is the point here to "win" the game as you see it, or is it to get your belongings, or is it to detach from the relationship?

asking for the things back is being met with "no", for whatever reason. that has not changed, months later. escalating the situation is being met with escalation for obvious reasons. thats a battle you can probably win, if you are invested in it enough to pull out the big guns - theyre your belongings and youre entitled to them.

the price to pay in order to detach, if thats what you truly want to do, is to let go of the belongings, and let go of the conflict. at the end of the day, trying to "win the game", becomes our own reason for hanging on.

[pipefitter]

I think the point of thinking that she has a reason is that if there is, I would avoid having to escalate even further. Honestly I don’t want the police involved. I’m not a big fan of them, and it really is upsetting that it may have to come to that. And a lawyer costs money. After already having a significant financial investment in the relationship I’m not too stoked about sinking more into a lawyer. If there is some kind of game being played, maybe if I play it I get my stuff without the unpleasantness of bringing out the big guns. At least the rationalization goes in my head.

I didn’t think she would escalate to the point of threatening to file false charges. As far as I understand it I’m within my rights to ask for my stuff back. But, she also sees me as threatening her emotional safety in this instance so to her I guess it would be justified. Letting the stuff go is a hard sell for me. It’s not just tools. It’s clothing, sports jerseys, electronics, furniture, personal sentimental items. It’s a lot to walk away from. That I’m not ready to do. But at the same time this particular situation is keeping me stuck

[once removed]

I’m not naive to myself. I know if she were to reengage while saying the right things right now there’s a very good chance I would do it.

i understand where youre coming from on this; i went through it myself. it seems like there are two issues.

1. you genuinely want your belongings back. there are a lot of them. theyre expensive. theyre important to you.
2. you think she is holding on to them as a means to reengage you. you want to take that away from her, and get closure on your own terms.

when i was going through it myself, i believed the same thing; that my ex was holding onto my belongings to have a reason to reach out to me. so i persisted, for months, trying to get them back, until i gave up. i dont know why my ex held onto my belongings. she never returned them. we never spoke again.

what i do know, is that lots of people run into this issue after a breakup; it isnt a bpd thing. ive had people do it to me in other relationships. i own things that once belonged to exes that they never asked for.

for whatever reason, its just an issue people usually prefer to avoid; its messy. and for whatever reason, they dont react well to pressure. its unfortunate. it isnt fair. but it is what it is.

if the fact is that you are ultimately not done with this relationship, or you are open to her reengagement, thats okay; you can work with that. but two things are happening in the process:

1. dragging this out can become a means of putting in further investment and avoiding letting go. it was for me. others tried to tell me that at the time, and i couldnt see it. but its hard to grieve a relationship if you are priming yourself for more of it.
2. if you have any hope of getting back together, this is killing any chance of it happening.

so, if you still have hope, but you ultimately think you want to be done, you can be done (as hard as it may be), or you can up the ante and involve police or lawyers. those are really your only options, as far as i can tell.

if you still have hope, and you want to get back together, then fighting to get the belongings back is working against that.

i know. none of the options are great. this is hard stuff 

[pipefitter]

Thanks for all the advice. Everything you said makes a ton of sense. I describe it my friends and T is regardless of what happens, I want my stuff. But I know I’m also not closed off to the idea of trying again. I’m going to have to go through the process of not being so upset about all these possessions potentially being gone. Leaving it be seems to be my best option. I’m honestly a bit worried about what would happen if I escalated further. And I like to think she would eventually come around to just letting me have my stuff. It’s not like she hasn’t any use for most of it

[Pook075]

If there is some kind of game being played, maybe if I play it I get my stuff without the unpleasantness of bringing out the big guns. At least the rationalization goes in my head.

The game, as you put it, would be that she did everything right and ended up being a victim to your mistreatment.  That's what she tells everyone else and the longer you allow time to pass, the more that it becomes her locked-in reality.

You are not getting your stuff back without taking an additional action.

I guess my question would be how important the tools actually are to you.  One way or another, they're holding you in this relationship with a physical connection to her.  You're got to move past this in whatever way is best for you- either getting your stuff or considering it lost.

In my situation, we recently divorced and I've asked my wife multiple times to take what she wanted.  She insists that she doesn't want anything, and I've spent the past month going through the house and eliminating decades of clutter.  Going through this process I've realized that I don't want most of the "stuff" either, I'm donating it to Goodwill or taking it to the dump.  And it's liberating to get that out of my life as a final part of the closure.

You need the same thing though in your own way.  Cut this tie out of your life.

[Augustine]

Leaving it be seems to be my best option. I’m honestly a bit worried about what would happen if I escalated further. And I like to think she would eventually come around to just letting me have my stuff. It’s not like she hasn’t any use for most of it

I was in your position in June, and chose to abandon my possessions, preferring to sidestep all the tortuous drama that would inevitably ensue by not doing so.

A couple points to ponder:

Reconfiguring reality so that they see you as a violent, fire-breathing villain is an article of faith with BPD, so I’m an earnest advocate of no direct contact with a former BPD partner.

BPD is fuelled by drama, and the higher the octane, the better.

BPD can keep a rage burning with such an intensity that it eclipses the output of the sun.

If you’ve managed reasonably well without your possessions up to this point, so the odds favour that this trend will continue.

You can always replace possessions, but having peace of mind is as succulent as listening to a thousand violins playing in Heaven, and encountered as frequently.

In Canada, the jurisprudence is to assume that the accusations made by a female accuser are virtually incontestable.

In driving, as in life, it’s best to place a lot of distance between yourself, and people who have a precarious grasp on the wheel.

[ForeverDad]

One more factor to consider is that if more time passes then when you finally do ask police or a lawyer for help then she might claim you abandoned them, never came for them and so she threw them out or whatever.

So time may not be on your side since she could claim you abandoned them.

Have you saved texts, emails or letters (or recorded conversations) than would confirm your side of the story?