Erased from existence

[Stephen1999]

Hi All

So this is going to sound like an incredibly stupid question but I’d like to hear some other thoughts from people not as close as I am to the situation. Also, I’ve been having issues since the catastrophe breakup with my BPD ex a month ago. Please see my other post for details on that if you’re interested but it’s a pretty long read.

Getting to the point, I was able to go to there once with a police escort (again, see other post) but I was way to broken at that point to be in the same room as her so two friends of mine went in my place. Upon arrival, she had every last thing I owned neatly and carefully packed in a mass of totes she had bought. To her credit she did a great job with it. She even pointed out what was where and even left some jackets out for me as “she didn’t want me to be cold”. She was polite and accommodating the entire time but there was also a cop there mind you so there wasn’t much other discussion to have.

Really nice of her right? Well I’ve experienced worse in the past, it’s true. However, when I got into my totes I was shocked to find out how efficient of a job she did. She scanned that entire condo and, if I had anything to do with it, it was removed. My tv was still on the wall but only because she couldn’t figure out how to remove it. I have every scrap of evidence that I ever existed in that condo for four years neatly piled into a storage room now. I have 1/10th full bags of spices and kitchen utensils I’m pretty sure aren’t even mind. Even those little bag clips from ikea that cost a buck a bag. She did not screw around.

So yeah, to me, and in spite of living there with her and her daughter for 2.5 years and being together for 4.Mind you police are involved now and a charge is laid (again, see other post but it wasn’t anything physical at least and I’m trying to sort it out. I’m learning that the story she has told them is pretty twisted though). Even though she’s being nice and accommodating this just strikes me as a woman who does not care as long as she’s able to completely erase me from her life. It’s not even hate it’s complete indifference. It just blows my mind because it just seems so drastic and for 3.5 years, she was the most affectionate and loving girlfriend I’ve ever had.

So thoughts? I’d enjoy hearing some outside views and interpretations. Even if they sting. I’ve just never even heard of anyone ever going to this extent after a breakup. Even if it was an extremely bad one. Thanks.

[DigitalSanity]

Hi, Stephen1999,

First of all, stay strong and look after yourself.

This is very much their MO, and she seems to be from the "petulant" subtype. I have gone through the same, although it was in a matter of money spent on a vacation: she was adamant she wanted to pay me back every single buck I spent with her, even though it wasn't even possible to fairly charge her for some stuff as I couldn't properly "split the bill". I told her repeatedly that I couldn't do it, as it would be unfair, but she insisted so, so, so much.

You have to remember you're dealing with the emotions of a child stuck in the body of an adult. Kids act just like that when they feel they have been treated unfairly or get into a fight: "I want ALL my toys back! That sticker that you put in your book is also MINE, take it off! I don't care if it ruins your book!". This is what helped me the most with understanding the disorder: there is cognitive disability, there is physical disability and there is emotional disability.

You are split, she lacks object constancy, you have now become the enemy.

[EyesUp]

Hello Steven,

I understand that you're trying to make sense of things. 

In my case, when my uBPDxw and I separated prior to finalizing our divorce, she refused to collaborate on a household inventory of things accumulated over a 14-year marriage. I proposed a list, she never responded. In the end, she took what she wanted without discussion or explanation. What did this look like?

In many cases, she held on to "the good stuff."  In some cases, she split things 50-50, but not in rational ways. e.g., if we had two sets of dishes, or glassware, or knives, she took half of each set instead of simply taking one complete set.  I'm coming up on 3 years since the separation, and I still occasionally wonder if something I'm looking for has been misplaced, lost, or remains with my X. This applies to photo albums, kitchen utensils, personal items...  I've had to learn to just let go...

Another data point:  In recent weeks, a member of this community posted about an inability to retrieve anything from his X - basically all of his possessions - and fearing that they had been sold or destroyed.

Long story short, if your X gave you all your stuff neatly packed and in good condition, you may be in a relatively fortunate position.

If this feels like being erased, I encourage you to step back and consider:
- are you saying you'd feel better if she held on to some of your things?
- is it normal to divide up the stuff and return certain things after a breakup?
- are your feelings charged on this because you had to collect your things with police assistance, or possibly for another reason?

It does seem like you're holding onto something...  Since you're posting on the "detaching" board, do you have a sense of what would be helpful to you to begin to turn the page?  Is there another way that this could have happened that would have helped to provide some closure or a step in that direction?

[Pook075]

Hey Stephen.

In my case, we recently divorced and we're getting the house ready to sell.  Like your ex, I bagged up everything that was my ex-wife's and offered it to her.  She said that she didn't want anything from the house, so I bagged all that up and brought it to the dump or donated it.  For me, it was very therapeutic to sort through everything and get it out of my life...it felt like turning the page to a new chapter.

Because your ex packed everything so neatly, I would assume that's just her and she also wanted to avoid a reason for you to become angry.  She sees herself as a victim so maybe she did that to over-compensate and appear to be the bigger person.  Whatever the reason, it's good that things were civil and you got everything back without conflict.  Many here would be very thankful since their stories were the complete opposite.

Hopefully this helps you move on since it's clearing one of the remaining hurdles in that relationship.  Try not to read too deep into it because the "why" doesn't really matter- you got your stuff back without a blowout argument.  That in itself is great news.

[once removed]

Even though she’s being nice and accommodating this just strikes me as a woman who does not care as long as she’s able to completely erase me from her life.

its a little like seeing an ex get into a new relationship, perhaps.

you know its going to happen eventually. it can still hurt a lot when it does.

so it makes sense to me that her going to great lengths to return your belongings would feel hurtful, sort of as if she not only isnt struggling (as you are), but boy does it seem loud and clear. after all the conflict, it might seem like its too nice.

on the surface, its the mature thing to do. when the shoe is on the other foot, its what i have generally seen advised; for example, advice to neatly pack belongings, rent a storage locker for x amount of time, let them know.

could there be more to it than that, something else driving her? its certainly possible, even likely, that she is eager to get rid of the belongings, whether shes angry at you and doesnt want them around, or because theyre in the way, or because having reminders around leaves less space to grieve. i had a lot of my exes belongings after our relationship ended, and she had some of mine. couldnt get anywhere on exchanging them. she had left a lot of really expensive clothing, mostly. i put it all away and out of sight and thought (along with everything else) while i grieved. i figured there was a chance that eventually, she might want them, and in my case, they werent in the way, or hurting anything. after a year or so, i tossed them or gave them away. knowing her, i was reasonably certain she wouldnt come asking for them, and id made sufficient effort to return them; i couldnt hold onto them forever. i still kept momentos and gifts, but i kept them put away for a long time, not to erase her, but to give myself the space to grieve.

all that is to say, the whole exchange of belongings after a breakup isnt fun, and its something ive noticed in my own relationships and others, people really dont like doing it. often, they do one of two things: put it off, and dig in their heels, or do it spitefully (things like returning gifts, or returning them in a fashion that is inconvenient or messy).

i dont know what her motivation was to return your belongings in a timely and organized manner. i suspect she did not go to that trouble (expense) to spite you.

at the end of the day though, whatever condition they were returned in (or not returned in) signals the end of the relationship, and steps taken to move on from it. thats always going to smart.

[PhoenixKnight]

I’ve read this post and replies with a lot of interest. My ex left in a flash in November. She dipped back to the house on occasions for a few months before finally moving out a couple of weeks ago. She left a lot of her unwanted belongings at my house for me to ‘deal’ with. No letter, no text, no apology for any inconvenience. Just a pile of things I’d collected for her. I ended up housing it for a week, then I just threw it away. As others have said, it felt therapeutic. If she ever asks me for it, worst case scenario I’ll just reimburse her, I doubt that’ll happen though.

I think whatever she had done would have hurt you. There is no easy way to deal with this. I completely understand your feeling in that you have just been ‘erased’, I felt similar when she left behind a memory box with all the gifts/cards/mementoes I got her over the years. It sucks. For what it’s worth, I think she has probably done the best she can with that situation. Sorry to be blunt, but as with my ex, she is drawing a clear line in the sand. It is likely their way to deal with the emotion of it. Just take it for the message it is and look after yourself. We all process things differently and in a way, it should help with the healing process once the dust settles. It removes the feeling of ‘I wonder if they miss me’ or ‘are they having second thoughts?’. In both our cases, at least at the present time, I’d suggest not.

Look after yourself pal, it’s not a great feeling and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Stephen1999]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback.

I guess, deep down, part of me still hoped she’d open the door to me again someday after all the legal stuff has cleared up. But yes, the message seems clear that she’s done and it’s a forever thing. She has split me completely black and the woman I loved so much is never coming back to me. If she ever really existed at all.

It’s a heartbreaker and made even worse because she seems to not remember who I really am at all. In time, and with counselling, I know I’ll get through this. I’ve just never had the end of a relationship cut me so deep. Thank you for your support. I’m glad I found this site with so many folks who know what it’s like to go through this.

[Pook075]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback.

I guess, deep down, part of me still hoped she’d open the door to me again someday after all the legal stuff has cleared up. But yes, the message seems clear that she’s done and it’s a forever thing. She has split me completely black and the woman I loved so much is never coming back to me. If she ever really existed at all.

It’s a heartbreaker and made even worse because she seems to not remember who I really am at all. In time, and with counselling, I know I’ll get through this. I’ve just never had the end of a relationship cut me so deep. Thank you for your support. I’m glad I found this site with so many folks who know what it’s like to go through this.

If it helps, none of us have ever experienced it before...or even imagined it could happen to someone...until it happened to us.  That's a big part of why we're all here, because of the absurdity of the situation.

You're right though, you will get through this and come out the other side a better person for it.  Keep your head up brother!

[yellowbutterfly]

Even though it may feel like you've been "erased", be thankful your pwBPD took such care of your things. Mine stole, damaged, or left my things in disarray. I had to spend countless hours and money replacing mine, and even more time in therapy processing. He even took the lightbulbs!

Just a few words to help you maybe find some positives in your situation.

[Stephen1999]

Thank you
I agree, it could have been much worse. However, all I see is a woman who is desperate to be rid of me. I do appreciate where you’re going with this but I would have fathered everything I owned destroyed then to lose the woman I loved. Thank you though. I’m just having a rough time accepting this.