New here, D32 with traits and 2 kids

[Jbelle]

good morning. I am also new here. I found this forum last week and have read through many posts while in tears. I have an adult daughter, age 32 , that while she has not been formally diagnosed to my knowledge, certainly  has  many traits of BPD. It was suggested that this was her issue by a mutual therapist of ours when she was about age 19 and her behavior over the years seems to have solidified this. She is married to an amazing man who absolutely enables her behaviors (as have I over the years) and they have 2 children. She recently seems to blame me for everything that is wrong with her. Angry about her upbringing. says I enabled her emotionally vacant father by being a peacemaker. (we divorced a few years ago after 35 years of marriage) She says we never let her "feel" and never allowed her to have her emotions.  So  not true. Very difficult to raise a child who only lets out the feelings whether in bursts of crying in anguish or yelling in rages. She is also estranged from just about everyone in our family. I am her biggest target and now she is keeping my grand children from me. Says she doesn't trust me to keep them safe. This hurts so very much. I've often wondered if any of this is hormonal as she seems to have a few good weeks and then then the hammer falls back on me and everyone around her. I am working with my therapist and have been over the years at my coping with her and keeping myself safe and not being so affected by her. Now that there are grandchildren this is a whole other set of issues that I never saw coming.  

thank you for allowing my vents and I hope to find some comfort with those of you struggling with loving someone with BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Jbelle and welcome to the family.
It does sound like your dd has some of the features of BPD - the blaming, emotional turmoil etc. It is so hard to be the target of blame isn't it and especially when you are confronted with a very different version of how things have been.

As you will read here, there are many different life stories about how BPD can affect the individual and those who are close to them. There is some comfort in the fact that the father of your grandchildren is such a good person. The children need someone who is stable and calm in their lives - for so many of us this is not the case.

Being denied access to your grandchildren is heart breaking. Has this been for quite a while - or recently? Also have there been times previously when dd has withheld the grandchildren and then allowed them to have access to you?

I ask because you mention the hormonal cycle and yes I do think this is a factor. There was a study I read about PMT - in it's most extreme form, and the symptoms were quite similar to those of BPD.

How you cope now I think depends on whether or not you have been through this before and there is a sense of going round the circle again. I hope this is the case and you are involved with your grandchildren again soon.

I remember the first time my dd took her daughter - who had been with me since birth - and moved in with a chap (nice enough but lots of drink and drugs). I was beside myself. After a while I recognised the pattern and while still distraught I knew the circle was on the go again - so waiting was the way to go.

Coming to the group here was a life saver for me. I honestly don't think I would have any understanding of what BPD looks like in day to day life if I hadn't come to the group. It is such a lonely road and such a bizarre journey. But I know I am not alone - there are so many others who understand the pain and the chaos of our lives.

I hope coming here has helped you too.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I can tell you, you came to the right place!  This group has made me feel better than I have in 3 years!  Sadly, I don't have much by the way of advice, only....never blame yourself (I spent months pondering what I did "wrong"...I am slowly learning there is no WRONG; it is just a matter of waiting it out)  Hang in there

[Jbelle]

thank you for your replies. After a week of pondering this I decided to write a letter to my daughter and son in law. I poured my heart out and was very careful with my words to not trigger her. I just wanted to attempt to mend our situation and discussing with her in a conversation always turns bad. Well the letter was not well received. Words that I meant to try to heal us, and I even said that in the letter, were twisted. She said the letter was self serving and manipulative. She says they need to stay away from me because I am toxic to them. I think this is finally my breaking point. After so many years of the verbal abuse from her, accusations (a new one last night in conversation she says I made her an emotional parent to me), walking on eggshells, I must chose to be happy. I currently live with my mom who is 91 and failing health, and my boyfriend of 7 months. ( as I said earlier, I was married to 35 years to a man with his own mental health issues and ultimate betrayal of me).  I am caregiver to my mom and it breaks my heart that my daughter has said she will not come to visit my "toxic" house anymore. My house is a happy place! My grandchildren love to come to my house. She acts jealous when they want me over her instead of it warming her heart. My mom has dementia and asks to see them constantly. My grandbabies are 1 year and 2 1/2  years old. heart broken here but I need off of this emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells. Help please...........sorry for the rant.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  while the whole scenario is so sad & unfortunate, I very much understand the grandbaby heartbreak (my granddaughters' mother claims to have BPD, every now & than she will block me & say I cannot see the kids (she does this to her own mother at least monthly) (we call each other & cry), though it passes; I hope that is the case for you!  Kudos to you for trying to reach your daughter (though I am sorry it did not work out!) (I feel like a coward because i will not call my daughter (though, she threatened a restraining order); how odd...my BPD just told my mother I am toxic (I try to be a good person, I am anxious, but I cannot thing of a toxic scenario); finally, I, too, have chosen happiness...I went back to weight watchers and the gym & feel (almost?) like ME, i wish you all the luck in the world, reach out, if you like !

[CC43]

Jbelle,

I'm so sorry for your torment.  Having a daughter you love so much turn on you and blame you for everything is heartbreaking.  That it has gone on for so long invariably wears you down.  Grief--about fractured relationships and opportunities squandered--is a common theme on these boards.

I understand that the letter could have been triggering, at least in the eyes of your emotionally dysregulated daughter.  My opinion is that all her criticisms are projections.  Self-serving, manipulative and toxic are words describing her own behavior, not yours.  I bet she might have also called you unsupportive, demanding, irresponsible, rude, judgmental, incompetent, cruel, selfish, narcissistic and/or needy.  With BPD, a person just can't face the truth or take responsibility, because it's too painful to them.  To protect themselves, and to rid themselves of these troubling feelings, they project them onto others.  They are ruminating about their own toxicity, and it colors how they interpret the world and their principal relationships.  If fact patterns don't suit their interpretations, they are prone to re-write history, distorting events beyond recognition when telling their version of events.  I have seen projections and re-casting of history multiple times with my diagnosed stepdaughter.

I imagine you've witnessed her volatile emotions and fits of rage that are features of BPD.  When in this state, the emotional brain takes over, and the logical brain recedes into the background.  So when confronted with logic (like the contents of your letter), the logical brain just can't process it.  If the letter used any aspect of JADE (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining any of your feelings or actions), it might have served to "invalidate" your daughter further.  She's probably just not in the right place right now to handle any push-back.  If she's like my diagnosed stepdaughter, she might need several weeks to get to a better headspace.  I call these cooling off periods her "adult time-outs."  She will cut off contact for a time, until she is ready to re-engage, usually when she needs something.

It may be that your daughter is undergoing a stressful period in her life right now.  I observe with my stepdaughter that she's better emotionally when her life is relatively stress-free.  She tends to crumble under stress.  And "stress" is a relative term.  Some normal daily stresses (like a full work day) can trigger her.  However, with therapy, her tolerance of stress seems to have improved slightly over time.

Please take care of yourself, and try not to take the accusations personally.  If you see the accusations as projections, you might not feel so much remorse about your daughter's upbringing.  But the pain of a fractured relationship with your daughter is real.  All the best to you.