BPD / addiction / suicide attempt.. is this a lost cause?

[Grvdin]

Hi guys

I had an on again / off again relationship with someone I suspect has BPD (undiagnosed, 23M) for about 6 months.

We broke up for good this time on new years, and have mostly been in no contact since, aside from organizing returning our things (still not done). I’ve run into him at the club a few times, and every time he’s super friendly, touchy (no intention of any sexual relationship) but overall very happy to see me and asking me about what I’ve been doing etc. he told me that he’s hurt about us ending and having trouble moving on, he’s been doing drugs and drinking and attempted suicide.

This last time I saw him, we did hook up after running into each other, he invited me home with him and we had the most romantic night, we talked in detail about what had happened and apologized for everything. We spent half the next day together and while he was okay, I can tell he was going to pull right away when he left and he did.

Each time he says he’s been waiting to hear from me, he misses me and looks for me everywhere, he wants us to be friends etc. and unblocks / re-adds me on socials so that we can stay in touch. But, each time I contact him, he ignores me, blocks me or is really cold towards me.

What is going on!!

Am I right to think he means what he is saying and is genuinely feeling all of those feelings when he’s not sober, and then when he is sober he’s suppressing everything? Scared to get hurt?

I don’t know how to get through to him. I’m scared for him and his health with his addictions, especially knowing that he attempted suicide. Is this kind of behavior typical?

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[Pook075]

Hi Grvdin and welcome.

Imagine I told you that I love you, and then explain that I'm the king of my country and you're to be the queen.  All our subjects will love and adore you as we rule over the lands to bring peace and prosperity to everyone.

You'd think I was completely full of it.

For someone with BPD, this is the feeling they can get when someone close to them expresses intimate love.  And I'm not talking sex her, but closeness and wanting to spend a lifetime together caring for one another.  They think it's too good to be true, it has to be a lie, because who could love me like that?!?

So they look for "cracks in the armor", so to speak, and reasons why they can't have the fairytale ending.  In a way, they self-sabotage by figuring out reasons it won't work....they're not good enough, you're not good enough, the world is not good enough.  There's no way she's queen and wants to make me her king.

How do you fix that?  By reaffirming your feelings in a positive, non-intrusive way.  By letting them know that you're in it for the long haul and that you genuinely care.  By recognizing their emotions (like when you knew he'd run) and diving in deeper to let them know that you're there and fully invested.  You overcome that fear they're experiencing with love.

Why does he wait to hear from you, but then blow you off when you reach out?  He's scared and insecure.  There's no way you're the queen, and there's no way you'd actually choose him.  So it's better to keep you at a distance since it keeps him from getting hurt.

Now I will say one thing and it has nothing to do with BPD.  Guys may express more emotion when we're drinking, but guys are also generally horny when drunk as well.  The focus there is sex and that's not what you build a relationship on.  Sex leads to more sex, not love or intimacy.  So be careful walking that line.

Fears about his mental health are valid, but at the same time you must let that go.  He's responsible for him and he will get treatment when he's ready.  You can't save him no matter how hard you try.  But you can choose to love him and help him get past his fears of insecurity.

He's seeing you as half in/half out.  You reach out and he assumes you don't really mean it, or that it won't work so why bother trying.  That's tough and it's painful.  But you have a choice to continue reaching out or to let him go.  If you are going to reach out, you must be intentional with your words and validate his feelings.  That may seem unfair, and it is, but that's the task in these relationships.

I wish you luck and please don't hesitate to ask any questions.  The sticky threads at the top of the page can also help you improve the way you communicate to validate his feelings.

[Grvdin]

Thank you for your in-depth response.

That’s a good way of looking at it. I guess, while we’ve been apart these past few months I’ve focused more on myself and less on his BPD. It’s good to put it back into perspective.

I’ve been scared to really reaffirm him that I’m here for him and not going anywhere. I’m worried I’ll come off clingy or insecure, but I think it’s truly what he needs to hear. I know he doesn’t feel good enough.

I realize that about men when they’re drinking. The funny thing is, the last few times I’ve seen him prior to this one, and after each time we break up, he tells me he’s still attracted to me but he doesn’t want to sleep together again. He knows it complicates things. He’s usually pretty firm on that - but there’s a lot of attraction and tension there. I say this to say, I don’t think he’s using me for sex as there’s usually opportunities and he doesn’t take them.

I want to keep trying. I think he’s worth it. He told me that I pulled him out a rut nobody else could before. I know I could do it again, and this time actually truly love him properly. I didn’t before. I just fear that if I keep trying and reaching out, he’ll just push me further away?

He also has my belongings and we’ve talked about him coming to return them a lot of times, but we never go through with it (excuses on both sides). I know for me, it’s because I don’t want it to be final. I don’t want that door closed for good. I wonder if it’s the same for him?

I’m also struggling to see his real feelings. When he’s drunk, it’s more the him that I knew when we were together - a sensitive, romantic open book kinda guy, even sober.. But since we broke up he’s a different person

[Pook075]

I want to keep trying. I think he’s worth it. He told me that I pulled him out a rut nobody else could before. I know I could do it again, and this time actually truly love him properly. I didn’t before. I just fear that if I keep trying and reaching out, he’ll just push me further away?

He has mentioned that he was waiting for you to reach out in the past, so that's a good baseline.  Since there has been some time apart though, you want to be intentional when you do try to make contact.  For example, texting, "How are you?" doesn't really mean anything other than a check-in...so you want to actually say something more direct.

When is the last time you tried reaching out?  And what did those messages look like? 

He also has my belongings and we’ve talked about him coming to return them a lot of times, but we never go through with it (excuses on both sides). I know for me, it’s because I don’t want it to be final. I don’t want that door closed for good. I wonder if it’s the same for him?

This would be a great reason to reach out and follow through with a meet-up.

As far as what he wants, it's impossible to say.  He could be dating again, or he could be thinking about you all the time.  Who knows?  There's probably some mixed emotions on his end as well though.

[Grvdin]

Apologies, I don’t know how to reply the way you do in sections

[tina7868]

Hi Grvdin! It isn`t always obvious how to use technology! You can click here to find commonly asked technical questions.

As for your specific comment on creating sections, I believe you mean quoting a response. You can copy and paste a section from a previous reply and put it in a quotebox (there is more information on that here).

When in doubt, just reply as you think is best!