Living separately - still a couple

[usagi]

After moving out of the house into a short term rental, I've been seeing my partner pretty frequently.  While I'm there the conversations have mostly been about how do we want to proceed with this new arrangement and lots of questions of me about "how will you change?"  I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and feel like I'm learning a lot about how to answer her question.

I need to start just living my life, that's for sure.  That's one of the main points of the book.  Caretakers spend a lot of mental, physical, and emotional effort responding to the perceived needs of their partners.  When you have a partner that is constantly on an emotional rollercoaster this means you're going for a ride.  But you don't need to be in this continual response mode to actually care for your person.  It is actually caring to not get wrapped up in the drama and allow them to self sooth sometimes.  Staying out of the drama means having an empathetic response to their break downs while not getting drawn into an argument about what they are saying.  I've had some success with the second part but need some work on the first.  I often get accused of "counselor speak" and having my body language show that I'm not agreeing with what she is saying.

Another thing that I need to change is that I need to figure out what my needs are.  I need to step out of the drama and understand what is important to me to be happy.  Go out with friends, enjoy activities, focus on work when I need to.

I'm interested to see how this will play out.  I think that moving into my own space will help me realize what I need.  It'll also help me to not always be in the thick of it with my partner and her son when they get into arguments.  When I was with them and they would argue it put me in a place where I was getting dysregulated.  At that point I had no chance.

We've both admitted that we'd rather be with each other but for now she keeps stepping on "land mines" emotionally.  I've been constantly been drawn into the drama between her and her son and unable to break out.  My hope is that having my own place to go will give me an instant out if I need it and will give her an opportunity to see how life is like with just the two of them living together.  I had often gotten the blame for his behavior.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Usagi.

Moving out is certainly not the end, and often it can become a new beginning.  However, you have to use this time to find yourself again, find the real you, and learn to exist outside the relationship.  Think about things you did before the relationship- friends you'd hang out with, places you'd go or hobbies you loved, and focus more of your energy there.  This is a chance for a mental reset and you have to make the most of it.

As you go through this process, the goal is to find peace within yourself and become comfortable in your own skin.  In time, maybe you discover that you're still madly in love...or maybe you find that you're better off ending the relationship.  But either way, it's figuring out what you need emotionally while in a neutral space without all the chaos around you. If you use this time wisely to go through that process naturally, then you'll walk away a winner no matter what.

As you said, do your best to stay outside the household drama for now.  You can empathize that her kid is a pain in the butt and you can give her support, but you also have to realize that it's not your problem right now...you're not in the middle of it anymore.    Likewise, let her stomp on those landmines and let them blow up...that's on her for now and it's not a "you problem".  Your job is to heal and become the best version of yourself once again.  Then you can decide.

I hope that helps!

[once removed]

when youve finished with "stop caretaking", id encourage you to pick up "loving someone with"

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

stop walking on eggshells validates us. stop caretaking points to where we might be going wrong, how to stop. loving someone with teaches us how to respond constructively, and build an environment where the relationship can thrive.

its a balance. when we clean up our side of the street, so to speak, it can be destabilizing to the relationship. we can find ourselves in a 180.

[usagi]

Thank you for the support Pook and Once Removed,

Yes, I'll be working on me with this time apart.  I'll definitely take a look at the book suggestion.  I'm finding Caretaker very helpful.

I do have some past experience to draw from.  After my divorce many years ago I lived alone for a while.  The experience was hugely helpful in letting me reconnect with who I am.  I was definitely a caretaker in my marriage.  Therapy and some me time was what I needed.  Now I get to reconnect with that part of me.

I'll be OK if the relationship doesn't work out.  I'd be very sad but know that I'll find happiness again.  That said, I'm holding out hope that this will in fact work out.  I do love my partner.

[kells76]

I'll be OK if the relationship doesn't work out.  I'd be very sad but know that I'll find happiness again.  That said, I'm holding out hope that this will in fact work out.  I do love my partner.

That mindset makes sense. All you can control is making your own life functional and livable. She may choose to join you on that journey, and that would be a gift.

Loving your partner can look like letting go of trying to control if you two are in a relationship together. Control doesn't always look overt and powerful -- it can be cloaked in "if I were nicer to her, if I spent more time with her, if I were more supportive, if I sacrificed more..." (then she would ______).

Another thought to consider is that "standard" relational advice may not be effective with pwBPD.

"Standard" advice in your situation might look like "having long talks about the relationship", going over the past, getting closure about the past, making agreements about rules for the future, etc.

If BPD is involved, then more talking doesn't necessarily improve things. If she isn't in effective treatment, then long talks about the relationship, instead of being healing, may be "scab picking" -- opening up wounds and shame that she doesn't have the skills to handle.

Getting back in the relationship may mean radically accepting that she may stay at this skill/ability level. She may not be or become a partner who can "go back over the past and get closure". The mindset shift would be accepting that she is who she is and her limitations mean that your relationship needs to be present-to-future focused: "regardless of what happened or who did what, how can we make today and tomorrow livable".

It may also mean accepting that a verbal agreement is something she says yes to in a moment where she feels OK. If her internal feelings change, then holding her to that agreement won't really be meaningful. There can be a lot of "hanging on to the words that were said" but if BPD issues could be solved by reminding a pwBPD "but you agreed...", then we wouldn't be here.

I guess my overall thought is that BPD relationships generally don't seem to be improved by what is said, but by how you relate.

Finding new ways to "how" may be more effective than finding new "whats" to say.

The intertwined pair of true boundaries and emotional validation is a good example. Neither true boundaries nor emotional validation require explanation to the partner -- they're different ways of relating (boundaries for your protection, validation for connection between you two), not different things to say.

...

Anyway, lots of food for thought.

Keep us posted on how your work on yourself goes.

[usagi]

The intertwined pair of true boundaries and emotional validation is a good example. Neither true boundaries nor emotional validation require explanation to the partner -- they're different ways of relating (boundaries for your protection, validation for connection between you two), not different things to say.

That was a lot to chew on, Kells.  Thank you.

That framework seems to keep coming up.  To have a relationship with someone with BPD you need to be able to identify and hold your boundaries while also providing them with a certain level of validation of their feelings.

I've been working on maintain the hobby boundary for some time.  Other boundaries that I've tried with some success are not engaging when being screamed at and walking away/making distance if I'm feeling dysregulated.  While I write this I'm thinking of another, which would be to not engage with either my partner or step son when they are arguing.

Validating her feelings has been a mixed bag.  I feel if I do it "right" the response I get from her is a softening of her body language and relaxing her overall language.  When I try and she notices me trying I get "you are talking like a therapist".  I think this will just take more practice.

She is definitely one to pick at scabs.  I can't count how many times she's brought up what happened last year and wants to talk about why I did what I did.  I struggle with this one and would appreciate some advice here on how to re-direct and or validate her without spending hours on the topic.

...

Now that I'm in this apartment I'm thinking to myself "now what..."

I've been holding my boundary about moving back in with her.  She's said things like "tomorrow is our last chance to decide if this is what we are going to do since I have to sign the lease agreement."  When she says things like this I remind her that the living situation we have had in the past lead to a lot of strife and we need to try something different.

Here's some things I've identified that I need:

1. A generally quiet household.  A few small arguments I can handle but constant tension, yelling, slamming of doors is unacceptable.  I have done my share of this but its only after I've endured a full day of the other two doing it.

2. Some measure of respect from both my partner and her son.  Both can really dress me down from time to time and it's unacceptable.

3. I'm really tired of being blamed for all the emotional tension in the house.  I'm the most emotionally steady person yet when tensions are high my partner says she's "so disappointed" in me for my behavior.  Not OK.

I am realizing that a person with BPD can't really provide all the things that I may need.  One thing may be validation and comfort when I'm struggling with something.  This is what happened recently and drove her to demand that I leave the house, all because I was expressing fear about my work situation and looking for some comfort.  I have lots of friends and could certainly lean on them for that in the future.

Lately I've been thinking, then what's the point?  When I think about the reasons I want to be in a relationship it's that I want to have someone provide me some care and feeding.  I certainly don't need it all the time but it seems that with a person with BPD its much less than maybe I'd like or need.  If I'm just living out my life without expecting any real emotional support from this person then why am I with them?

These relationships are exponentially more difficult than with someone without a sever mental health problem.  There has to be something to balance that scale.

Anyway, I'm still working on what I want/need and thinking about my future.  I love her dearly but something needs to change before I move back with them.  I realize that is mostly me changing how I relate to the both of them.

Thank you =)

[dtkm]

On the validating part...I am not good at validating with words.  Especially if I am being yelled at and called horrible names, etc, all I can do is walk away, otherwise I will explode right back at my uBPDh.  Me walking away is my boundary and I will do so every time...until I can figure out how to validate with words during these times.  I say absolutely nothing when I do this, I continue what I was doing and if he doesn't stop I turn the video recorder on on my phone which usually stops him.  I have often wondered if I can validate, since I find it so hard to do with words and so unnatural to me.  What I have realized lately is that I can validate with my actions, which is much easier for me.  If my husband can't sleep and watches TV all night on the couch, when I get up in the morning I have two choices...I know he is mad at me as him not sleeping is always my fault because of the thousands of affairs that I had the day before when I was at work or my son's basketball game or my daughter's soccer game or taking the kids to school...I can say "good morning" (if you have read any of my past posts...my uBPDh requires everyone in the house to say good morning/hi/bye except for himself or life is over!) and get a muffled, grumpy, short "mornin" back or I can walk up to him kiss him on the head and say good morning which usually shifts his mind set and starts the day a little nicer.  Same with our day's plans...most days it is up to me to get my and our the kids to all of their activities and home, get school projects completed, get birthday parties planned, make all of the meals in the house, etc.  He doesn't need to know about most of the stuff because he doesn't participate in most of it, but I have realized that if I mention today my son has basketball after school and two of our kids have a club after school so it will be a later pick up and my daughter has soccer practice, etc...then he seems to be slightly more understanding and tries to communicate slightly more about what he has going on.  Sometimes, I don't want to kiss him on the forehead so I don't and I try to enjoy the silent treatment that the rest of the day affords, sometimes I am afraid that my kiss will get met with anger it never has...I haven't figured out any other different forms of validation yet, but I am trying! 

[kells76]

Great discussion of hard stuff.

dtkm raises a good area to clarify here:

On the validating part...I am not good at validating with words.  Especially if I am being yelled at and called horrible names, etc, all I can do is walk away, otherwise I will explode right back at my uBPDh.  Me walking away is my boundary and I will do so every time...until I can figure out how to validate with words during these times.

It sounds like you're intuitively using a more effective tool in that situation. One thing I've read here is that validation is just one of many tools, not the only one. It doesn't have to be the first or only approach you use in an interaction. When there are abusive words, yelling, shouting, unreachable conflict, there's nothing to validate there. You are allowed to protect yourself first -- your partner is signaling "I'm not available for connecting with".

It damages you and the relationship for you to stick around to be abused and denigrated. You are taking responsibility for yourself by excusing yourself from that situation. My thought is you don't have to figure out how to validate abusive words... there is no validation target. That's a great cue to protect with boundaries, and I'm glad you care about yourself enough to step away 

I have often wondered if I can validate, since I find it so hard to do with words and so unnatural to me.  What I have realized lately is that I can validate with my actions, which is much easier for me.  If my husband can't sleep and watches TV all night on the couch, when I get up in the morning I have two choices...I know he is mad at me as him not sleeping is always my fault because of the thousands of affairs that I had the day before when I was at work or my son's basketball game or my daughter's soccer game or taking the kids to school...I can say "good morning" (if you have read any of my past posts...my uBPDh requires everyone in the house to say good morning/hi/bye except for himself or life is over!) and get a muffled, grumpy, short "mornin" back or I can walk up to him kiss him on the head and say good morning which usually shifts his mind set and starts the day a little nicer.  Same with our day's plans...most days it is up to me to get my and our the kids to all of their activities and home, get school projects completed, get birthday parties planned, make all of the meals in the house, etc.  He doesn't need to know about most of the stuff because he doesn't participate in most of it, but I have realized that if I mention today my son has basketball after school and two of our kids have a club after school so it will be a later pick up and my daughter has soccer practice, etc...then he seems to be slightly more understanding and tries to communicate slightly more about what he has going on.  Sometimes, I don't want to kiss him on the forehead so I don't and I try to enjoy the silent treatment that the rest of the day affords, sometimes I am afraid that my kiss will get met with anger it never has...I haven't figured out any other different forms of validation yet, but I am trying! 

That's a great point to bring up -- persons with BPD are also individual human beings, not just "pwBPD". If you've found a way to safely connect with your H, and it works for both of you, that's fantastic, keep it up! Just because some pwBPD somewhere might not like that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

It's also positive that you are trying to unhitch what you choose to do (a kiss, saying "good morning") from what you hope his reaction would be. You can be who you want to be -- someone who says "good morning", or "I love you", or "see you soon", etc, and you can do that even if he never responds "correctly" -- but you're doing it out of your commitments to yourself. And if you don't want to say "good morning", or kiss him, it's because you're making the choice, not because "he seems like he's in a bad mood so that determines what I do".

[kells76]

Good to hear back from you -- glad you're getting some space to think through things.

That framework seems to keep coming up.  To have a relationship with someone with BPD you need to be able to identify and hold your boundaries while also providing them with a certain level of validation of their feelings.

To expand on that a bit, everyone needs validation at some level (this is from the Tools page Don't Be Invalidating:

Different People Have Different Validation Needs
We are often unaware of how we invalidate others. We can also be insensitive to the fact that some people are invalidated more easily than others and some people need an "extra helping" of validation to feel good about themselves. The latter is particularly true of people experiencing difficult times or a loss and of people who are highly sensitive, insecure, have low self esteem or who are easily intimidated.

This is a very necessary tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The whole article is great so I won't copy the whole thing over here -- just clarifying (for lurkers/readers) that validation isn't "just for pwBPD" -- we all need it, we all want it, it's just that we all need/want different levels, and pwBPD tend to need/want higher levels than "normal".

I've been working on maintain the hobby boundary for some time.  Other boundaries that I've tried with some success are not engaging when being screamed at and walking away/making distance if I'm feeling dysregulated.  While I write this I'm thinking of another, which would be to not engage with either my partner or step son when they are arguing.

If you were to write out your boundaries explicitly, what would they look like? So far it's sounding like you are formulating "rules for yourself" that are under your control -- that's good stuff.

Validating her feelings has been a mixed bag.  I feel if I do it "right" the response I get from her is a softening of her body language and relaxing her overall language.  When I try and she notices me trying I get "you are talking like a therapist".  I think this will just take more practice.

Great issue to bring up. You aren't the first member to go through this and as weird as it sounds, there is a validation target there.

When she says "you're just talking like a therapist", one possible response is:

"You're right, I am talking differently. I'm trying to be a better listener."

Because she is right -- you are talking differently. You don't have to agree that you're talking "like a therapist", but she's picking up on a difference, and you can validate that yeah, there is a difference (without arguing about what the difference is).

I'm glad you are having some experiences together where you listen for the feelings behind her words, and she feels heard, and that gets communicated through her body language. That's a positive change for the two of you.

She is definitely one to pick at scabs.  I can't count how many times she's brought up what happened last year and wants to talk about why I did what I did.  I struggle with this one and would appreciate some advice here on how to re-direct and or validate her without spending hours on the topic.

Another approach I've read here is a kind of "reverse pyramid" approach:

Her: "I can't believe you did what you did last year. It's unbelivable and unforgivable. Why did you treat me that way? I just don't understand and you never tell me."

You: "It would feel awful to feel like I did something unforgivable. We've talked about this before, and I don't have anything else to add. I'm ready to move forward in our relationship to something more positive."

Her: "But you never tell me you're sorry, you have no justification for xyz, you never give me the time to talk about how I felt about it..."

You: "I don't have any new information. I'm ready to move forward."

Her: "Unbelivable, you just always do what you do, you never change, blah blah blah"

You: "I'm heading to the park, I'll be back in a couple of hours"

You know it's a dead end and you have nothing else to add. Having this kind of conversation outside of a therapeutic environment has never made things better. You might give it ~3 tries, each one a little shorter, the first one with some validation, and each following statement moving you towards your boundaries. It's not a guarantee, just an idea for how to cut down on the time the two of you spend in that unhealthy, negative, non-healing, scab-picking engagement.

For your relationship to heal, it seems important to have more neutral-to-positive interactions, versus negative/scab-picking interactions. She may lack the insight or emotional control to take the lead there. It may be your task to, when interactions veer towards negative/scab-picking, to limit the amount of time that the two of you engage in that. Like in dtkm's case, both of you and your relationship are harmed when interaction and engagement are negative (or abusive, high conflict, etc). You might need to take the lead in "funneling down" those conversations more quickly, so that you both spend less time in them.

[kells76]

I've been holding my boundary about moving back in with her.  She's said things like "tomorrow is our last chance to decide if this is what we are going to do since I have to sign the lease agreement."  When she says things like this I remind her that the living situation we have had in the past lead to a lot of strife and we need to try something different.

She may feel, in the moment, that tomorrow is the last chance.

You can decide if you engage with that -- there could be a validation target there: "Wow, that would be stressful to feel like we're down to our last chance".

Or you can state what you're able to do, or will do: "I'm able to get back to you on Day/Date with my decision."

Is there really a lease deadline?

It's likely that reminding her of facts may not have the impact you want -- but if it works for you, keep it up (I truly mean that, no sarcasm -- generally speaking, if you find an approach that works for your relationship, do it, no matter what anyone else does!)

Here's some things I've identified that I need:

1. A generally quiet household.  A few small arguments I can handle but constant tension, yelling, slamming of doors is unacceptable.  I have done my share of this but its only after I've endured a full day of the other two doing it.

2. Some measure of respect from both my partner and her son.  Both can really dress me down from time to time and it's unacceptable.

3. I'm really tired of being blamed for all the emotional tension in the house.  I'm the most emotionally steady person yet when tensions are high my partner says she's "so disappointed" in me for my behavior.  Not OK.

Getting needs met in a relationship with a pwBPD is challenging. While I'm not married to a pwBPD, my H's kids' mom has many traits, so trying to get the kids' needs met with her has been unpredictable and high conflict. It's truly a crucible for figuring out: what is actually under my control?

How much of needs 1, 2, and 3 can you meet in ways that are 100% under your control?

My thought is #1 will be the trickiest. You could install door closing hardware that prevents slamming, you could install sound dampening foam around the doorframe, you could audio-studio-grade sound insulate rooms you use... that's under your control. What other people do with their bodies is not.

#2, in a sense is both 0% and 100% under your control. You have 0% control over the attitudes others have towards you. However, you have 100% control over how long you stick around to listen to attitudes from others that you've decided you don't accept.

#3, to me, is similar to #2. Blame can be a big component of a pwBPD's behavior. We cannot stop another person from feeling, thinking, or saying blame to us. We can decide how long we stay to listen to it.

I am realizing that a person with BPD can't really provide all the things that I may need.  One thing may be validation and comfort when I'm struggling with something.  This is what happened recently and drove her to demand that I leave the house, all because I was expressing fear about my work situation and looking for some comfort.  I have lots of friends and could certainly lean on them for that in the future.

I wonder if that's really behind your list of needs 1-3 -- you aren't trying to brainstorm ways for you to meet those needs, you're saying -- this is what I would like in the people I live with.

And that's fair. You are allowed to want the people you live with to do or not do certain things, and to behave certain ways. You get to have your priorities, values, and preferences. It's really good that you are getting in touch with yourself about what you want 

The hard part of the question is that you want those things, you want to live with people who provide those things, but what kind of people are your GF and her son?

Staying with her means accepting that she is who she is and she does what she does. She may always slam doors, blame, and be disrespectful, even though you want something different. Then it comes back to you -- you have needs, she isn't someone meeting those needs, what do you do. Probably the worst of all possible situations would be staying in the relationship while resenting that she isn't different.

Lately I've been thinking, then what's the point?  When I think about the reasons I want to be in a relationship it's that I want to have someone provide me some care and feeding.  I certainly don't need it all the time but it seems that with a person with BPD its much less than maybe I'd like or need.  If I'm just living out my life without expecting any real emotional support from this person then why am I with them?

These relationships are exponentially more difficult than with someone without a sever mental health problem.  There has to be something to balance that scale.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Relationships with persons with mental health challenges are so difficult. If she has BPD, then she has a real and serious emotional/relational impairment. People stay for many reasons -- kids, finances, sometimes there is enough % of non-disordered times, enjoying each other when things are calm, faith/religion... and people can also say "I am not able to be in a relationship that is emotionally impaired." Or, "I am not able to be in a relationship where adults don't get mental health care."

You're working out what your needs are and what you want out of a relationship.  There's the "environmental/behavioral" stuff about blame, respect, & loudness, and there's also the core stuff of wanting mutual care and support. It seems like as you keep working through what you want and need, you'll gain clarity about if this relationship can work.

Anyway, I'm still working on what I want/need and thinking about my future.  I love her dearly but something needs to change before I move back with them.  I realize that is mostly me changing how I relate to the both of them.

Absolutely. You can work on what is under your control and see what happens. There's no guarantee that she'll do anything different (that's not what the tools and skills are for, they're for making your life more livable, versus "managing" her), but she may, in the sense that when one dance partner changes the steps, the other has an opportunity to do something different, too.

...

Any more feedback from your therapist about your situation?

[Pook075]

You know it's a dead end and you have nothing else to add. Having this kind of conversation outside of a therapeutic environment has never made things better. You might give it ~3 tries, each one a little shorter, the first one with some validation, and each following statement moving you towards your boundaries. It's not a guarantee, just an idea for how to cut down on the time the two of you spend in that unhealthy, negative, non-healing, scab-picking engagement.

One phrase I caught a pastor use on relationship disagreements has stuck with me and it's worked well so far. 

It's, "I'm so sorry, can you forgive me?"

Why does it work? I think it validates (I'm sorry) and it also suggests a next step (forgive me) by requesting grace.  If that request is denied with something like, "But you never this, and you always that, and this and this and this..."

You follow up with the same thing, "I did my best in the moment and came up short.  I'm so sorry, can you forgive me?"

The first time I said it, my ex looked stunned...because I was removing myself from the fight.  She wanted to be right so badly, and my words finally said 'okay, you're right. I regret it and would like to move on'.

It's worth a try anyway.

[usagi]

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments and questions.  Let me see if I can respond to some of them...

I like the idea of validating with actions.  I tend to have a hard time with language generally.  It's easier, for example, for me to respond to her via text because I have an opportunity to think through what I'll say longer than if I'm standing in front of her.  I'll put some thought into this.  A nice hug or kiss on the cheek would probably go a long way.

Regarding my list of three items:
I'll put some thought behind where do these really come from.  This is what I came up with sort of on the spot while starting to figure out what I need.  I've always been sensitive to loud voices and arguments.  Not sure I need much more of an explanation than that.  I've managed to achieve #1 through moving out.  I think 2 and 3 are related for sure.  For the moment, having my own place has had some effect on my partner.  She realizes that I can just go back to my place anytime I need to.  She's been much softer since I moved in.

My partner can be very respectful unless she starts to get dysregulated.  I think her son has picked up some unhealthy examples of how to treat me from her.  It's very strange, when its just me and her son together generally he treats me a bit better.  But when she's around he can be pretty sassy to me.

I have certainly used apologies with my partner when she's visibly upset.  If she's expressing more sadness and crying it seems to be more effective.  When she's angry I feel like an apology just doesn't get heard.  Later she asks my why I just didn't apologize.

I was over there last night and we had a pretty good time.  I did get frustrated with her son once.  Our elderly dog jumped up on the couch next to him.  For some reason he didn't want her so close.  To get her to move he started elbowing her in the side and I got upset and told him not to do that.  He just responded with "I'm not doing that!"  Later my partner said that she'll handle any parenting from now on and recognized that I don't like how he treats animals.  She also said that I should have just picked up the dog and moved her when he started complaining.

My therapist agrees that this is a good opportunity for me to think about what I need and work on how to be more independent and find my own happiness, i.e. how to be less of a caretaker.  She's also been asking the question "what if you found a relationship where you didn't have to put in this kind of effort?"  She's trying to get me to think about what is so special about my partner that makes me want to stay.  I shouldn't stay if I'm just scared about being alone again.  I don't think I am.  I'm sure like a lot of folks on this forum, I love the parts of her that are loving and fun but am overwhelmed and put off by all the other stuff.

[once removed]

I like the idea of validating with actions.  I tend to have a hard time with language generally.  It's easier, for example, for me to respond to her via text because I have an opportunity to think through what I'll say longer than if I'm standing in front of her.  I'll put some thought into this.  A nice hug or kiss on the cheek would probably go a long way.

it is easier, and comes more naturally, when you have a moment to put empathy to words.

the problem, and i suspect the reason your wife accuses you of "therapist speak" is because it might feel forced and unnatural.

think of an actor who learns to cry on command. cameras hate "acting", as they say. if it is forced and unnatural (bad acting) everyone can tell. eventually, an actor learns to tap into real emotion, and convey it, so that "acting" is real, and then they win awards for it 

and of course, words arent the only way to actively validate someone. a hug or kiss can work great in the right context. body language, the language you use in the context of your relationship, actions, theyre all a part of it.

My partner can be very respectful unless she starts to get dysregulated.  I think her son has picked up some unhealthy examples of how to treat me from her.  It's very strange, when its just me and her son together generally he treats me a bit better.  But when she's around he can be pretty sassy to me.

Later my partner said that she'll handle any parenting from now on and recognized that I don't like how he treats animals.  She also said that I should have just picked up the dog and moved her when he started complaining.

blending families is always tricky in the best circumstances. in an ideal world, it would be something you could talk through together, and work to get on the same page, support each other, a bit more like the above example. how has it gone when youve talked to her about this, in a time of calm? does she see the problem? think its your fault?

She's trying to get me to think about what is so special about my partner that makes me want to stay.  I shouldn't stay if I'm just scared about being alone again.  I don't think I am.  I'm sure like a lot of folks on this forum, I love the parts of her that are loving and fun but am overwhelmed and put off by all the other stuff.

thats important to consider. i think for a lot of us (and them), part of the attachment is unhealthy, and fuels dysfunction; sort of the difference between "i am incapable of being without this person" vs "id have a hard time, but id live". and, it never hurts to think about what we like/love about the person we're with.

[usagi]

Thanks once removed,

I do think that I'll eventually get better at being validating to my partner without sounding like a textbook.  Some of that will be body language and some will be what I say to her in response.

In times of calm she admits that his behavior can be very difficult to manage.  I have noticed and have explained to her that parenting him works best for me when she isn't around.  When I'm around I feel like her job gets harder because he has an audience.  But it's also sometimes more difficult because she gets emotionally overwhelmed which triggers him.