Divorce...but I don't really care. Is it normal?

[DrJones]

Hi there!

I'm curious whether there is someone experiencing something similar to what is happening to me.

I have been married for nearly 20 years to a very intelligent, very good person, nice woman...with BPD, I guess it is quiet BPD. During all these years, as many of you, we have been on a rollercoaster, up and down, left and right... I must say that very, very few times she insulted me (often when she was very afraid), never screamed but I was always guilty of {name the "current thing"...you know}. She knows that she has BPD and tried everything in her power (never therapy though) to get better. For about five years, it was quite acceptable (well, if you obviate the overspending, and the fear that anything that I or any other person said/did/looked/etc. may become wrong).

During the last approx. two years and a half, I became the second option in everything. She started to chat with literally dozens on men (and one or two women) on the internet. Again, at least in the beginning, she rejected anyone who became flirty, blocking many people on the way. She also has a friend who is married to a BPD man and she hated him because...all the things that she herself does/did. I guess she knew that he was her exact reflection. We went on holidays at home, abroad, etc... and everytime all her free time was devoted to chat and send photos of the place to her "friends". I know that she felt frustrated because she was not working, because she felt...empty; and became jealous of me because I like my country, I have a job, I try to do some stuff, etc... normal things.

In the last, let's say, two or three months, I overheard some conversations (I suspect that with her mother) saying that she cannot leave me because she had spent all her money (and was still unable to work...due to her BPD condition). But one day, when she came back from her mother's town, told me that she had gone to a lawyer and we were getting divorced. She said that nobody was to blame, just that it simply doesn't work. Well, I was very surprised...after all she has been talking about divorce from the first year of our marriage. Anyway, I just answered that I was sorry to hear so, but I didn't want to live with somebody who doesn't love me. She tried to argue...and I just told her very calm that it was alright, that she could have her {well, a big part of my} money, she could leave, no problem at all. She left that very same week...with her mother (who is a narcissist and the main cause of my wife's BPD). Again, I noticed that she is a good person possessed by the BPD demon when she went away but left some things that she knew I like or may be useful for me. After one month, (I guess it is the rising silent-rage) she blocked me, no messages... I am dead. She is doing to me the same that she did to her mother during the time when she was better...ghosting.

I really loved her, and I still love her, I really want her to go on therapy, to be happy, to start feeling as the rest of the world because she is a good person. And here is the question that puzzles me: I do not feel sad AT ALL. I started to do my life, continue my work, talking to my colleagues, trying to build some bridges to planet Earth (of which I had become totally isolated)...but no pain; no pain whatsoever. I don't even miss her more than I miss that friend that you see a few times a month or a year. Is it normal?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

And here is the question that puzzles me: I do not feel sad AT ALL. I started to do my life, continue my work, talking to my colleagues, trying to build some bridges to planet Earth (of which I had become totally isolated)...but no pain; no pain whatsoever. I don't even miss her more than I miss that friend that you see a few times a month or a year. Is it normal?

Hey Doc.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and your experience is like mine in many ways.  24 year marriage, some ups and downs, then suddenly <boom>, it was over and off she went. 

Feeling no pain, that could be normal.  I was pretty rational about things during the first week, but eventually the reality caught up with me and I was devastated.  We all grieve on our own timelines though and that's okay.  Just give it time and feel whatever you feel...that's what is right for you.

[EyesUp]

@Doc,

When my ~25yr relationship (~14 married) ended, and my uBPDxw moved out, I was mainly sad about not seeing the kids every day - we started a 50-50 parenting schedule.

Immediately after my divorce was finalized a few months later, I didn't have a strong feeling one way or another - I expected to feel relief, or sadness, or something - it was at that moment that I realized that I'd spent so long pushing my feelings aside that I had some work to do to reconnect.

We're all different.  It wouldn't be surprising if at this moment, you may feel exhausted, or ambivalent, or as you say:  nothing.

It's great that you're reconnecting with the world - exactly the right thing to do, and probably a path to feeling something at some point.

Take care.

[PhoenixKnight]

Hiya Doc. My relationship ended in November last year. The first 2 months I was absolutely fine, I just felt relief. I was exhausted and was looking for ways out myself, fantasising about not having to put up with the chaos.

The last 6 weeks have been much harder as my grief has caught up with me. Missing her, romanticising, feeling lonely. I have days when I’m angry about the discard, desperately trying to make sense of it, but grief is not a straight line.

I was stoic and closed myself off, which got me through the initial period, but be sure to allow yourself to ‘feel’. Anything you don’t deal with (anger, rejection, pain, love) will likely come back to hit you twice as hard down the road. You may be so exhausted and ‘done’ that this never comes, but you’ve lost a huge part of your life so it is likely to. Just be kind to yourself and know you did the best you could. Don’t dwell on missteps, as we have all made them. Take your time.

[Cat Familiar]

I was in an abusive relationship where my ex had a history of cheating and being financially irresponsible. There wasn’t much to appreciate about him. When I finally had enough and ended a long marriage, I felt nothing but relief. There was not a moment where I felt sadness, sorrow, or grief. In retrospect, I only wished that I’d ended the relationship sooner.

[DrJones]

Thank you all, really! 

It is now two months... and nothing. I feel really well. In any case, I'm getting ready for the "emotional winter"...if it ever arrives. A good thing is that now I can go again with my friends (I was totally unable to do it before... you know what happens), and it helps a lot. It also helps to come over to this forum. It is sad to see that we are so many, but it is also good to see that we are not alone.

To be true, there are not many positive memories that are really positive. Whenever there was a good moment, what happened five minutes later, or her comments that "it was good, BUT..." comes to my mind, so I do not really miss that. But who knows.

[EyesUp]

Reconnecting with friends is the best.

I didn't want my relationship to end - I was stuck in a "divorce = failure" mindset.  But once I finally accepted that in my case, it would be for the best, it was like I had been granted a second chance that I didn't know was possible.  It was a gift.  I'm super grateful for my reboot.

My T noted that my general mood and demeanor shifted from relatively flat to more expressive and emotive. 

The fact that you're enjoying time with friends suggests that there are things that you do enjoy and care about - even if you're still a bit numb to your X at this point.

BPDs tend to own the emotional space in these relationships.  There's little or no room for a BPD's partner to express feelings - so we tend to make that part of us go away.

I also recall one time when I was having a tough time, thinking about my situation while driving - I had to pull over and just scream for a minute. I never do anything like that. If you're anything like me, you might have some feelings buried somewhere that might come out in unexpected ways...

You might take a closer look at this with a therapist, or feel free to explore it here.