Girlfriend is pregnant with BPD

[St6123]

Hi, this is my first post. I hope I can find help because I am drowning.

My Girlfriend of almost two years has BPD. SHe had three kids when we met and I have stepped up to help raise them. THere father is still in the picture and they have a 50/50 custody agreement. She is now 14 weeks pregnant with my daughter and we live together. Her work schedule is a lot more chaotic than mine, so I have been working my full time job and taking care of the household chores and the kids on most days. We have had our fights about things that I felt were so minimal that they wouldve been solved in a three word sentence, but I understand the way that she thinks the best I can.

Yesterday I got off work, she had been off all day alone, I went home and she randomly tells me that her daughters parent teacher conference is today. Her daughter is in high school and I would've ended up sitting in the car and waiting. She asks me if I wanted to go and as I had just gotten home from a long day I said no. She always want her time after work to unwind and has caused extreme fights over having to do anything after work. She acts as if I didnt want to spend time with her and that I am no longer enough. She tells me that I only want alone time and it baffles me because I just wanted to sit for a bit after work before the kids got home. She is always telling me that I dont take care of myself and that I need to speak up, but when I do this si what happens. Im tired of it. I love her, but she treats me terribly and cant see it. I asked her to go to therapy with me and that I would follow the therapists direction entirely if she would too. She wont. I told her relationships are communication, but she insists that I should "figure it out". I told her that I needed a compromise on the issue. THat if she would communicate we could solve this. I even apologized for making her feel away. She needed to apologize to me for how she treated me. SHe refuses to compromise and threatens to go find a new man while she is pregnant with my kid.
I told her that she needs to be more understanding of what I bring and what I do to make her life easier. We are busy people with 3 kids in the house and one on the way, but I do take time to spend with her every chance I get. I just wanted that brief window to sit down before the nightly routine of kids dinner, showers, and bed.  What did I do wrong?

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[kells76]

Hi St6123 and

You've landed somewhere with people who get it about how stressful BPD relationships can be. When there are kids involved, too, it's a whole new level. My H has two kids, and their mom has many BPD traits and behaviors, so getting support from this site has meant a lot to me.

First things first -- are you sure she's pregnant, and if so, are you sure you're the dad? Answers to those questions can have a huge impact on what's the most effective way forward.

I think I'm reading that of her 3 kids, one is in high school -- how old are the other kids? Is there any conflict between your GF and her kids' dad, or is that pretty stable (functional coparenting)? Do you interact with the kids' dad at all?

...

Staying in, and having a livable, relationship with a pwBPD often isn't intuitive, and can take some new tools, skills, and approaches that a "generally normal" relationship might not need. It sounds like you've already experienced that explaining things to her (which can work in "normal" relationships) doesn't seem to help yours, and sometimes makes things worse.

If you haven't checked out our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD, maybe start there, and see what resonates with you, or what sounds do-able that you haven't tried yet.

This is hard stuff -- we'll be here for you.

[St6123]

Her other kids are 6 and 10 and we have a pretty good relationship. HEr relationship with their father is toxic. She claims he is being a narcissist constantly and generally always irate about him. I will give her the benefit of the doubt in some instances, he is somewhat responsible for how she feels. He does not coparent very well. On the other hand, I can also see things from his perspective. She will randomly want to change the schedule of drop off and pick up to fit better for her. When he says no, she thinks he is the worst human on the world. To me it has become somewhat like she will ask once, but if she doesnt get the exact response she wants then she instantly hates.

Se is in fact pregnant and a paternity test has confirmed that it is mine, so no questions on that front.

When we fight, she breaks up with me or tells me its not going to work. She accuses me of being sneaky all the time when I spend my whole day at work and then right home to take care of laundry, dinner, and all sorts of stuff. She threatens me with cheating every fight. She doesn't come right out and say it, but she will say I will find a friend, or I will be sneaky too.

And my absolute least favorite thing is when she tells me that I can't meet her expectations. She tells me I am not enough, or that I can't make her happy. Never apologizes. Never. Will spew the most hateful stuff and nothing in the way of an apology. Its like living with a time bomb. I never know when the other foot will drop. I get so twisted in my chest that my stomach just turns. If I dont have sex with her according to whatever schedule she has in her head for that week, then I dont want her, or im getting it elsewhere. It is insane.

On top of all that the reality is, is that it isn't fair at all. She can do whatever and lie and sneak and rationalize it, but I get held up at work for 5 minutes and it is the end of the world.