The same story, a pile of rubble

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello, BPD Family community!  I've often found support in your posts and advice, so thank you for sharing your stories.  This is my first time reaching out, hoping for some insights.

My partner, 51 years old was diagnosed with BPD.  Fired the therapist, and is in denial.  We were together for four years.  This last year has been very hard, for the last six months I have had no contact with her and left town.  I informed her I was leaving, she texted me saying to leave her alone, that I am blocked, and nothing I write is read, ever.

I returned to town 2 months ago.  Since being home I found an expensive Covid mask, the type she uses, hanging near my door.  I found a note that says I love you, I can’t tell if it’s her hand writing because she writes small, and this was in larger, attention grabbing letters.  Three days after finding that letter near my door, my car got egged, which she has egged another person’s car that I know of.  I can’t prove that these three events had anything to do with her.  Yet it’s hard not to assume it was.

She is going through a legal battle over a house her father owns.  He wants her out.  A few months ago she tried to push him down a flight of stairs out of anger, and she got charged with a crime.  I had to ask her father to stop telling me about her because I’ve been healing, and this isn’t helping. 

A week ago her father got a letter from her, stating she is in the worse depression she’s ever been in.  She talks multiple times about suicide.  Asking the father why he hates her.  To not show this letter to anyone.  And accuses him of black and white thinking.

Now I feel depressed.  I wrote her a small email note, not thinking she would get it.  It says "time has passed, may we communicate?  I made mistakes, but I don’t believe I could have done better."

I was sure my letter would be blocked and planned to send a more thought out letter through the mail service.  But then I actually got a response two days latter!  She hates me and hopes I die soon, none of my BS is ever read that I send, and I am blocked. 

This isn't an arbitrary childish statement she made, I have a genetic issue with my heart, she has been there when I had to be hospitalised and nearly died.

Her pattern is a silence I cannot break.  She never breaks silence to say anything, including anything mean.  Usually when she breaks silence, according to the 4 years I’ve observed her patterns, it’s my cue to beg for our love back.  Once I beg, then she is really mean, so hateful.  Then I walk away defeated, and in a few days, she comes to my house, begging me to be with her….

I mean… what is happening right now?  It is hard for me to understand all the signs I am getting.

[Painter505]

Hello, BPD Family community!  I've often found support in your posts and advice, so thank you for sharing your stories.  This is my first time reaching out, hoping for some insights.

My partner, 51 years old was diagnosed with BPD.  Fired the therapist, and is in denial.  We were together for four years.  This last year has been very hard, for the last six months I have had no contact with her and left town.  I informed her I was leaving, she texted me saying to leave her alone, that I am blocked, and nothing I write is read, ever.

I returned to town 2 months ago.  Since being home I found an expensive Covid mask, the type she uses, hanging near my door.  I found a note that says I love you, I can’t tell if it’s her hand writing because she writes small, and this was in larger, attention grabbing letters.  Three days after finding that letter near my door, my car got egged, which she has egged another person’s car that I know of.  I can’t prove that these three events had anything to do with her.  Yet it’s hard not to assume it was.

She is going through a legal battle over a house her father owns.  He wants her out.  A few months ago she tried to push him down a flight of stairs out of anger, and she got charged with a crime.  I had to ask her father to stop telling me about her because I’ve been healing, and this isn’t helping. 

A week ago her father got a letter from her, stating she is in the worse depression she’s ever been in.  She talks multiple times about suicide.  Asking the father why he hates her.  To not show this letter to anyone.  And accuses him of black and white thinking.

Now I feel depressed.  I wrote her a small email note, not thinking she would get it.  It says "time has passed, may we communicate?  I made mistakes, but I don’t believe I could have done better."

I was sure my letter would be blocked and planned to send a more thought out letter through the mail service.  But then I actually got a response two days latter!  She hates me and hopes I die soon, none of my BS is ever read that I send, and I am blocked. 

This isn't an arbitrary childish statement she made, I have a genetic issue with my heart, she has been there when I had to be hospitalised and nearly died.

Her pattern is a silence I cannot break.  She never breaks silence to say anything, including anything mean.  Usually when she breaks silence, according to the 4 years I’ve observed her patterns, it’s my cue to beg for our love back.  Once I beg, then she is really mean, so hateful.  Then I walk away defeated, and in a few days, she comes to my house, begging me to be with her….

I mean… what is happening right now?  It is hard for me to understand all the signs I am getting.

[iquanablood]

Stay strong and stay away.  Everything is a guilt trip, manipulation.  Remember she is never wrong and she will never really compromise, either.  She wants to play those mind games, together, and forever.  It’s some scary stuff, keep running.

[kells76]

Hi Painter505, glad you felt ready to reach out and share your story.

It's too bad that your partner had an opportunity for healing and chose not to take it at that time. It's one of the tragedies of BPD and other mental illnesses -- the world would be a better place if there could be more healing and help, yet mental illness can impair an individual's ability to get and maintain treatment.

To me, it seems like there are two levels going on here.

One is the stuff she's likely doing. If she has untreated BPD, then she has a real and serious mental illness. BPD impacts emotional regulation and healthy relating, so she has a real impairment emotionally and relationally. The stuff she's probably doing won't make sense -- won't seem like rational means to a rational end -- because she has a mental illness. Asking "why does she leave the covid mask at my house, why might she egg my car, what is her goal in doing those things" seems like asking why someone having a psychotic break decides that green things are good and red things are bad, and piles all the red stuff from the house by the curb. "What was he trying to achieve?" Well, he was having a mental illness issue... it made sense to him but that doesn't mean it made sense from a rational, non-MI perspective.

If your ex is doing these things and has BPD, then she may be responding to overwhelming emotions of the moment, versus having a calmly thought-out plan for achieving goals. I wouldn't necessarily look at it as "I have to interpret the signs I'm getting" -- again, that's like looking at how a person having a psychotic break made piles of red items by the side of the road. "I have to understand the message he's sending" -- well, do you? Is there a rational message, or is the bigger point that it's communicating that he's having a mental health crisis? (I use this as an example because my former brother-in-law did have this exact kind of psychotic break. It was much less helpful trying to figure out "but why is this color OK to him, and why is this color dangerous to him", and much more helpful to read that only as a sign that he was not thinking straight).

The other level that seems to be going on is how far you open the door of your life to her and her actions.

I get that you don't necessarily have control over what she leaves at your home or if she eggs your car.

You do have control over emailing her. That seems like opening a door to her. The question is why you might do that, given that it sounds like you want the relationship to be over and want to be out of touch with her?

What do you think -- do you want to be in touch with her?

[Painter505]

Thank you Kells76

I think unrealistically, I'd like to be her friend.  Help her get to some baseline.  But the illness is in full control over her life.

[kells76]

I think unrealistically, I'd like to be her friend.  Help her get to some baseline.  But the illness is in full control over her life.

Am I understanding correctly that she is a former romantic partner (and not, for example, a former business partner or something like that)?

BPD seems to have more of an impact on more intimate relationships. If you were her romantic partner, then you were in the most intimate relationship possible.

It might not be possible to inhabit both the role of "former romantic partner" and the role of "friend helping her". In fact, therapists and clinicians don't inhabit both roles, and additionally, generally don't position themselves as external sources controlling the pwBPD's internal baseline -- professionals empower clients to have those skills to get to baseline themselves, vs being dependent on others to manage their emotions for them.

All that to say -- it makes sense that you'd want her to get help and support. It must be devastating watching the illness seem to control her life. It's so hard knowing that people get help when they want to, for things that bother them, not when we would wish, for things that bother us.

What kind of support are you getting right now, for working through the feelings that are coming up in you as you watch BPD control her life?

[Pook075]

Hi Painter and welcome.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were better answers we could give you.

I completely agree with Kells in regards to trying to find a friendship that would allow you to "help her."  The help she needs comes from changing her behaviors, and the only way to do that is realizing that there's some problems within her.  Instead though, she's casting the blame outward towards you, her father, etc.  There's nothing you can do to "help her" until she's ready to help herself.

I've walked this path in a 24 year marriage.  Like you, my BPD ex and I split up several times in the beginning and she only came back when I begged.  Just the other day she mentioned that, how she never should have came back to such a terrible person 20+ years ago.  But this time around, I remained silent because I have no interest in repeating old patterns of neglect and abuse.  That's for her to figure out in her own time.

There's a big difference in "getting back in her life" and "having a healthy relationship".  You can do the former, but the latter falls on her and her alone.  She needs help and as she paints her father black, he's seeing the same patterns you were.  Maybe this is the relationship that makes her realize that something's off inside...who know...but it is not your burden to carry.

[Painter505]

She is a former romantic partner.  I went to our couples therapist, which was helpful, as the therapist began to unravel her personality disorder before the break up (which resulted in my gf firing our therapist).  I have also read as much as I could about BPD.

I agree that it's disheartening seeing her unwillingness to confront her illness, but since she disappeared on me, her life has gone from bad to worse, without her realising it all centres on her choices, her behaviours.  I was surprised that I have come to represent her misery, based upon her last reaction, of telling me she hopes I die soon.  Since I have not been a part of her life for six months, until recently.

Part of me wants to beg her back, but after years of giving in, I realised this time around, I matter too.  I have this fantasy that I can save our relationship by helping her see her illness, but I also think I deserve someone who does have the capacity to love me without arbitrarily putting my life through distress over triggers that don't always seem clear. 

I was surprised she wrote her father the letter I mentioned, about her being depressed and suicidal, but I also think it is a manipulation to change his mind about her leaving the house.  I have a sense that she thinks or at least associates me with his choice to kick her out.  I wanted to tell her I had nothing to do with that, but without her giving me permission to have a conversation, nothing can get transmitted.  And she controls communications tightly.  In fact, if she still allowed communication, I would believe we still had a future.  It's been one of the most frustrating aspects of her "splitting."  I don't know how to break this deadlock.  In the past I painted her pictures, made a book about our relationship, given her things I know she would like, but to no avail.  I have no clue how to reach her or get her to see me when she splits.

At times I do wonder if this was love or if she just saw me as someone to use.  When things are good, they are very loving, she's my best friend.  We have so much fun doing nothing of real value.  And it seems one can't fake that connection.  But then again, they wear many masks. 

Thank you for sharing your story Pook, I am sorry you've had to deal with someone with the same traits for as long as you have.  I remarked to her before that I don't know what to do in a crisis with her.  I don't know if I should leave her alone or offer support.  I've tried both, and nothing really helps.  When I see a problem bubbling up, I remain silent as you have Pook.  As I mentioned in my original post, there seems a point where she is filled with an upgraded level of anger, and that seems to be my cue to beg, to reassure her of my love.  That seems to be happening right now. 

I've told her I love her, but I've also reached a point of resignation that is hard to recant or fake for her sake.  I feel I am being true to myself by not enabling or giving into the dysfunctions, and perhaps that is why we have not cycle around to harmony once more.  As we all know, those good times only last so long, so why bother playing this game anymore?   

[kells76]

Part of me wants to beg her back, but after years of giving in, I realised this time around, I matter too.  I have this fantasy that I can save our relationship by helping her see her illness, but I also think I deserve someone who does have the capacity to love me without arbitrarily putting my life through distress over triggers that don't always seem clear. 

What do you think that's about? Where might that be coming from?

[Pook075]

Part of me wants to beg her back, but after years of giving in, I realised this time around, I matter too.  I have this fantasy that I can save our relationship by helping her see her illness, but I also think I deserve someone who does have the capacity to love me without arbitrarily putting my life through distress over triggers that don't always seem clear. 

My marriage ended about 20 months ago and I have been through every possible emotion, studied every possible outcome and what would be best in my life.  A small part of me still wants her back, to repair what was broken, and a part of me still thinks that I could "fix her" and get her help.

But you said it yourself what I ultimately figured out across those 20 months.  I deserve someone who loves me for me, and she can't be that person on a daily basis.  If you don't have that one thing then the rest of it doesn't matter...all the other outcomes, all the possibilities...they all lead back to that one single thing.  If I can't be loved for me, then the rest is meaningless.

[Painter505]

What do you think that's about? Where might that be coming from?

I was taught codependency by my mother, so I went to therapy to have someone explain codependency.

If I can't be loved for me, then the rest is meaningless.

I agree Pook!