Another outburst

[dtkm]

Another outburst…Monday night my uBPDh was at an all time high!  He was throwing blueberries up in the air for the kids and I (reluctantly) to catch in our mouths at dinner, he started playfully chasing my oldest son around which ended in a food fight, he was being funny walking around in my clothes, etc. While we all had fun, I knew the crash was coming!  Tuesday, a work day of mine, he was immediately in a mood the second he got out of bed. The day progressed as usual, no big out bursts, we each just steered clear of each other.  This morning I got up to get the kids ready for school, for some reason he refuses to help on mornings I don’t have to work, so I try to get up and get moving. I got up later than I had wanted and then realized I was supposed to wake my oldest son up 30 minutes earlier as he had basketball practice before school. As I am getting my son ready and myself ready, since we are both behind, he seems to have switched modes and then gets all lovey wanting to have sex right then. I get my oldest off to practice, follow along with my husbands want and then rush to get myself and my other kids ready and off to school as he chills and then starts to work out. After taking my kids to school, my husband still in a good mood, I tell him that I have therapy at 9am (online). He instantly switches. I ignore it. Just as my session is about to start I see a text from my boss that I need to switch my work location to cover patients as my coworker
 Is out sick. He walks in the room to “weigh himself” or to check if I am actually doing therapy, I mention this to him and he instantly won’t speak to me. I have a good therapy session, though everything in me says he is listening in. The rest of the day he won’t even acknowledge my presence. Which is fine, all a normal part of his cycle. I use the day to organize my next day since all of my carpools for the kids sports will be messed up with my change in work locations. I wish I could count on him but know he would never help me with my kids. Bed time rolls around, and 3 of my kids and I are watching match madness as the team my kids love was playing. Our youngest was in hanging out with my uBPDh saying she wanted to stay up late with him..the cycle says he won’t sleep tonight…and he has given into her before so she trys every night. We get ready to go up to bed, I remind him my oldest needs to get up early for practice, he yells at me well you can call him then. Ok!  I say (which I shouldn’t have) I don’t understand why you act like this. Then the flood gates open. He starts swearing at me, saying he is sick of me having affair after affair on him and talking to whoever this person is when he is at home, why don’t I just go talk on my hidden phone, give him the divorce he wants (he just moved all of his things out of the place he was renting last Sunday mind you and things did not go as planned for him when he filed for divorce before, he told me he couldn’t function almost lost his job, etc) on and on. I hit record on my phone so he could see hoping he would calm down since the kids were right next to me. Our 6 year old completely shutdown, my 9 year old started crying saying her stomach hurt, my 12 year old shut himself in his room. I then tried to explain to the kids, that I was sorry for the out burst, but that there was no need to worry, I told them that if things go dangerous I would call 911 to which my 3 year old kept asking what that was. I said that his new pattern shows that he will leave us alone, but if he changes to his old pattern and becomes physically violent I will not hesitate to call them. He then comes back upstairs so I can hear him and says into his recording..I said I wanted a divorce and she told the kids she was calling 911. I then said that’s not what I said, I have it all on recording if he wants to hear it…no you don’t. Ummm…yes I do and I am still recording…see you are a lier he says. Ugh. He finally goes downstairs hopefully for the night. Oh and he ran back in to give our 6 year old a kiss when he saw him staring at the bed. If you really cared you wouldn’t scream
at his mom as you know what time does to him and you would offer to lay with him. I know he won’t wake my kids up tomorrow morning for practice or school so their alarms are set and I will call them. Just hoping he will leave them alone otherwise. My question, how do you deal with this crap with the kids. I try to be point blank with them and assure them about our safety. I know he wants us to be afraid and sucked in so I don’t want to be and I don’t want them to be. But they are kids and don’t understand. Looking back I shouldn’t have commented back about why is he acting like this…it was a knee jerk reaction that I can’t have if I want to have peace. That I understand. It’s rare that I say anything, and I am usually change the pace for the kid, but when I engages the smallest amount and he won’t stop what do I do to protect the kids?  Also, I don’t want to just let him back in in 5 days when he is back in his good mood. How do I transition back letting him know his behavior isn’t ok. My stepdaughter comes over tomorrow and I know he will tell her not to speak to me or MY kids…but I am still expected to make her dinner, do her laundry, buy her food, clean up after her (sine she doesn’t pick up anything after herself and is the only child that he won’t make her do anything), let her sleep in my room (yes she is 12 and can’t sleep in her own room), etc etc. Ugh!  

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[dtkm]

We survived the night!  He left us alone and the kids and I fell asleep relatively quickly. I got off to work fine and tried to be as cordial as possible asking my daughter (3y) to say bye to dad before we left, though I showed him no affection as I don’t have any for him right now. I call both of MY kids to wake them up, they said all was good but he was completely ignoring them and talking to our son. I praised both for being extremely strong and told them that this was not a surprise and was fine as long as he was not screaming at any of them. I told them to do their morning routine as usual and I was on standby with my phone. I am at a place where I have greatly reduced the outbursts and I am enjoying my and my kids and I time when he switches me. So all is good, but I am now looking at things more in-depth and realizing the “why” (conscious or not) behind his actions. He often wants to have sex when I need to leave for work (so I am late) or when MY kids need something (so I put him above of them or they are late), etc. I am feeling like I don’t want to take that bait any longer. I always have as I know the connection we will have after if we do vs the rage that will happen if we don’t. My plan until he switches back is to continue to connect with the kids and myself! 

[kells76]

When BPD is in the mix, we still have healthy (or, at least, less unhealthy) choices as options, it's just that the choices are often inconvenient, expensive, a hassle, or not preferred. It sucks -- but it's more realistic than beating our heads against the brick wall of "why can't s/he just be normal". When we're coping with a pwBPD, we don't have the choices we want, we have the choices we have, and that's what we have to deal with (not "I wish I had the choice to make him stop doing XYZ", for example).

He shouldn't yell at you in front of the kids -- but he does, and what he says/does/thinks/insinuates isn't under your control.

One example of what would be under your control would be packing the kids up in the car when he starts yelling, and taking them all out to get a burger for dinner.

That's expensive and inconvenient -- but healthy. It protects you and the kids from hearing awful things. Hearing awful things from a spouse/dad/stepdad harms those relationships. Not hearing awful things is better for the relationships.

Another example would be coordinating with your kids' friends' parents ahead of time so that your kids have somewhere to go when Dad/Stepdad starts yelling. "OK kids, time to hang out with Brayden -- get your homework and you guys can work on it there." Again, it's inconvenient, but it protects the kids, which is the most important thing.

...

What has your T suggested in terms of protecting the kids?

[dtkm]

I had been doing really well walking away, not entertaining his "crap" which had lessened it greatly.  Outside of one outburst at my youngest son, which transferred to me, he was leaving me alone when in his mood and his cycles started to move quicker, so the bad days became less.  This is where I have been with my T, figuring out next steps...showing him though my interactions with the kids how it is appropriate to act.  Saying to the kids something along the lines of "families eat dinner together" when they start to get up from the table or "it is really hurtful when you are called a name" and its effects on you when the kids fight, in hopes that he will hear this and eventually maybe let a small tiny bit of it sink in.  Unfortunately, we have hit another patch of bad, possibly an extinction burst.  This outburst happened, which was the worst one that has happened for awhile.  A couple of days later, all was "better".  Tuesday rolls around.  The crap always hits the fan on Tuesdays as I work.  So as expected, he is standoffish through text on Tuesday when I am at work, after school won't speak to his step-kids and starts cracking down on our 6 year old's behavior for no real reason.  When I walk into the house after work, he won't speak to me.  So I ignore the stress he is creating and continue on with life.  I start making dinner, he walks into the kitchen, I acknowledge him as usual and he goes off on me (Wednesday was our anniversary)..."and I'm supposed to go to dinner with you tomorrow, why the "F" would I want to do something like that" ...on and on...  I once again ignore it.  I then text my 12 year old son that he needs to come home from the rec center as it is almost dinner time.  My uBPDh walks out of the office at the same time as I hit send and walk away from my phone..."keep texting whoever you are texting...why walk away...I know you are hiding...blah blah blah...on and on".  I said "I'm sorry that I was texting s12, I thought I was allowed to do so" he continues on, and I walked away to keep getting ready for dinner.  Its dinner time, the 4 kids and I sit down to eat, my H starts making his own food.  That's fine.  He then goes to the "kid's tv room" to eat dinner while he watches a movie.  We have a pretty strict rule about no eating on the couch (lots of kids equals lots of mess on the couch if we eat on them, so we try hard to avoid this) and everyone stays at the dinner table until everyone at the table is done eating.  Of course the kids see dad eating on the couch, not the best role model in my opinion...how can I expect my kids to follow the rules everyday if dad doesn't.  My H stays up all night and I take the kids up to bed.  Wednesday rolls around, our anniversary.  While I was in no mood to spend alone time with my H, I had gotten a babysitter at his request awhile back for the night, so I didn't feel like I could cancel.  No matter what his plans are, I will either go out to dinner with him or I will go get myself a pedicure and dinner or something like that.  Not a single word all day.  At lunch time, he leaves the office, showers and puts on clothes that one would wear to a nicer dinner.  Ok, I think, I guess we are going.  So closer to the time we need to leave, I get ready for a nicer dinner too.  I then get the kids ready, and the youngest runs into him and says "I'm ready dad...are you?"  I organize everyone, and as we walk past his office to the car, I say, we are going out the the car, we will see you out there (mind you, we had discussed the time that we told the babysitter so he knew).  He give me the "what are you talking about, we never talked about going out to dinner" (yes we did, just not today, so if that's what he meant then ok).  I said, "ok, well I am going to drive the kids to the babysitters then I will come home and we can decide if we want to go to dinner together or just do our own things."  He got up and said "well I might as well just come with you if we are going to dinner anyway".  So off we all drive to the babysitters, he doesn't say a single word.  His silence is overpowered by my 3 year old telling me that she misses me so much when I leave and that she never wants to leave my side again.  We drop the kids off and I ask him where he wants to go (I am driving as my car is the only one that fits our whole family and when in his moods he refuses to drive my car).  He says he doesn't care and won't be making decisions anymore.  I give him options...he says he won't choose.  So I choose a place that is relatively close, not too bad price wise (as I know we can't afford to go all out) and has entertainment since I am assuming not much conversation will happen.  We get there and get seated.  He is not happy about the seating as our backs are to the door and he has to always see the door.  He asks to move, but they won't move us.  We order drinks...which at this point I really need!  After that, he says do you want to leave and go to a different restaurant which serves mainly seafood.  I don't like seafood, so I say not really but I will if you want to.  He sits for a couple more minutes then jumps up and says lets go.  I follow, the hostess is chasing us out asking what's wrong.  I try to smooth things over as I am walking out the door.  I start to drive and he very meanly asks me what's wrong with the place he mentioned. I explain that I don't like seafood, so it would not be my first choice, but I understand that he wants to go there so that's where we will go.  About 2 minutes goes by and again I get very meanly (with this accusation look like I just blew up the entire planet) asked why I won't eat at that place as they have other things than seafood (which is true but only one or 2 other options).  I explained that I have not been there for awhile, as it is not my favorite place but once again that I understand that he wants to go there, so that is where we will go.  Silence.  He then bursts out, no lets go to this different restaurant.  Ok, so we go there.  He barely talks to me and is semi standoffish to the waiter, but we then go to order and he says, they don't have steak here (the original place we went to had steak and seafood!) and was upset about it!  We make it through dinner with all of the small talk that I can muster up.  We stop to do an errand on the way to pick up the kids and he is actually nice to me asking if I need anything.  We pick the kids up and then he tells me to stop at the donut place as he is going to get the kids donuts.  We do that, and I think ok, maybe he has transitioned back.  Nope...last night while he did actually sleep in bed, he was up at 4:15 am and is refusing to speak to me again!  LOL!  Though I think he realized that him refusing to wake up my oldest son for morning basketball practice was over the top as he has stopped that crap at least!  Its all part of the pattern and I will continue doing my part to break the pattern, but it can be so frustrating when you think you are making progress and then you hit a roadblock!