Hello from Wales -glad I’m not alone in loving someone with BPD

[Lunita]

Hi, I’ve just found this resource and am keen to make contact with others in a similar situation. I love my husband but am finding it increasingly difficult being in a relationship with him. Neither of us are formally diagnosed, but I am aware I have a lot of ADHD traits and I believe my husband has BPD and is also on the autistic spectrum - he is a highly intelligent and very caring individual. His personality is possibly best described as mercurial.
I find his lack of emotional regulation extremely difficult to live with. He can spin on a sixpence between emotions. Tiny things have a powder keg reaction. This is affecting my mental health as I am very anxious  about upsetting him
A lot of the time. This makes me withdraw from him which makes him feel isolated. I don’t think he understands how badly his quick temper affects me & he very rarely apologises.
I find  myself saying sorry a lot. Even for things that are not my fault, in order to keep the peace.
We are trying relationship therapy . But I am certain he would be appalled at the idea of having BPD and would certainly not see a therapist about it. He’s 68, I’m 64 and we married 3 years ago. I knew him as a teenager.
Thanks for letting me rant !
What can I do to

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello Lunita, glad you found the group 

I hear your difficulty as you suspect your H may have BPD, yet he would not be open to the idea. Of course you would like things to get better -- and it's good to hear that both of you are open to relationship therapy. Skilled therapists do have ways to work with the challenges of BPD without labeling or stigmatizing, so it is possible for things to improve without ever having to label or diagnose.

How has relationship therapy gone so far? Has the therapist given either of you any "homework"?

There is also hope because you have the power to make changes in yourself, that don't require your H to agree or cooperate, that can impact the relational dynamic. While there are no guarantees that he will respond to the changes you make, there is the possibility that he will "follow your lead". A great resource for learning about what it takes to be in a BPD relationship is this section on When a partner has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Besides you and your H, does anyone else live with you?