Why didn’t I realize my husband was mentally ill before now?

[JazzSinger]

I don’t understand why I didn’t realize my uhwBPD was dealing with mental illness until I found this website.  Was I in denial?

For years, I did think my husband had some irritating quirks. I also came to realize that he could be extremely anxious and hyper at times.  Then, about 12 years ago, he started verbally abusing me, just as everything else in our life was getting better and better — lavish trips, more disposable income, etc.  I sought therapy, because he refused couples counseling as well as individual therapy.  I even bought books on verbal abuse that mentioned BPD, but I didn’t get it.   Then, the verbal abuse subsided, and he was mostly anxious and hyper. 

But once we retired about eight years ago, he started to verbally attack me again.  And more recently he’s had horrible outbursts that led me to finding this website.  And now, I finally understand what I’m dealing with. 

I won’t beat myself up, but I do wonder why it took me so long to see that he’s mentally ill.   And I also wonder why he’s irritating me more than ever, lately.  Yes, he’s definitely gotten worse, but why is it so much more upsetting?  Was I in denial?

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[EyesUp]

@JS,

A lot of us have noticed that escalations coincide with changes:  marriage, the birth of a child, a job change, the death of a parent, an illness, retirement...

From your description, it sounds like there have been some changes in routine that might coincide with or contribute to changes in the dynamic with your H.

And perhaps that's also related to whatever has changed for you, and how you perceive things differently now vs. in the past.  Does that make sense?

In my case, like yours, there were problematic interactions for years - but one of the things that contributed to a major escalation was a move to a new home in a new community.  Many aspects of my pwBPD's routine were changed at once - she couldn't go to the same gym, her discretionary spending was constrained as we digested a major home purchase - those were two of her major "outlets" - gone.  I didn't anticipate the extent to which that would disrupt things for her - or me.

Just curious, if you don't mind me asking:  what led you to this community?  How did you find this site?

[JazzSinger]

@JS,

A lot of us have noticed that escalations coincide with changes:  marriage, the birth of a child, a job change, the death of a parent, an illness, retirement...

From your description, it sounds like there have been some changes in routine that might coincide with or contribute to changes in the dynamic with your H.

And perhaps that's also related to whatever has changed for you, and how you perceive things differently now vs. in the past.  Does that make sense?

Eyesup,

Thank you for sharing. 

Indeed, change, including the changing of the seasons, can be unnerving for him. Right now, the beach mantra was promoted by a sudden spurt of warm weather. And of course, retirement was a huge change  for both of us. It  prompted him to verbally attack me, especially during the first few months. 

Overall, I’m now realizing he’s been a challenge throughout our marriage, with some years being worse than others.  But now, there are times when I can’t stand to be in the same room with him. He’s calm one day, and agitated, hyperactive, mean, nasty or  verbally abusive the next.  I have to take breaks from him, outdoors or in another room, until he stabilizes.  But you’re right — I’ve changed.  I’m different now.  I can’t tolerate some of his behaviors.   

Fortunately, I’m learning to detach.  I’m more focused on self care.  It helps.  We’re  two old people, trying to keep our marriage together.  But sometimes, I’m struggling with it. 

Just curious, if you don't mind me asking:  what led you to this community?  How did you find this site?

After one of his worst outbursts, I was traumatized and searching for answers.   I reread a lot of books about narcissism and verbal abuse.  I googled his behaviors and symptoms.  Eventually, I think I found out about this website when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, or a similar book. This community has been my life raft. 

Thanks again. 

[Gerda]

I also feel pretty stupid that I didn't know how mentally unhealthy my husband was until after we had our daughter. In hindsight there were some serious red flags I missed. You say you thought your husband had some "irritating quirks." That's how I felt about a lot of my husband's red flags too. I felt I didn't have room to judge because I had my own "irritating quirks" too.

Honestly, I felt sorry for him a lot. I thought he was socially awkward, suffered from anxiety, was an introvert, etc. I thought that I might be able to help him or comfort him or encourage him to get better.

Well we've been together for 16 years and married for 12 of them, and all his issues have only gotten worse not better. I've finally realized he's never going to change. I wish I had realized it much sooner.

[Pensive1]

You're far from alone in not recognizing this/being in denial.

My mother had BPD. My childhood included a ton of abuse and insanity.

And yet I didn't recognize that my ex, whom I was with for 25 years, has BPD. And it's not even high functioning BPD. And yet I was oblivious. I recognized that she had mental health issues, but I incorrectly attributed much of the problem to ADHD and depression.

Then when her son became addicted to meth, she deteriorated, started an affair with a married ex lover (who is cheating on his wife), and dumped me.

When my therapist first began telling me that she thought my ex (whom I was still trying to get back together with at the time) had BPD, I strongly denied it. From where I stand now, it's amazing I didn't recognize it - it's glaringly obvious; unambiguously meeting the diagnostic criteria.

[coolspring]

Word for word, your story is my story.All through our marriage, I just thought my husband was just a very difficult person. We retired and moved to a new state 7 years ago, it has been hell! That is why I also started to research and found found this site. Looking back on our life together, he had all of the BPD symptoms, impulsiveness, mood swings, anger and sudden changes in how he views me. We get along for 6 to 8 weeks and then I start to have anxiety because I know he cannot control himself longer than that. When he becomes dysregulated, our fights are explosive, I cannot control my reaction to him. We made new friends in our new community and his behavior made them turn away from us. Made a new group of friends, same thing they now exclude us from their social activities. His behavior is especially bad if I have too many social activities with my friends and will either lock himself in a guest bedroom for days when I come home or leave the house and I don’t know where he is.We are 71 years old, I don’t know if my health can take this life any longer.

[Cat Familiar]

Both of my BPD/NPD spouses complimented, validated, appreciated me in such an effusive way at the beginning of the relationships. Prior to that, I’d never experienced such approval. My BPD mother was highly critical and I internalized that criticism.

The love bombing phase set the stage for me having a high positive regard for both of them, even when that phase ended and subsequent negative behaviors cropped up.

My ex was far more dysfunctional than my current husband and I dealt with extreme behaviors that couldn’t be ignored: cheating, financial irresponsibility, physical violence. Still, for a long time I harbored thoughts that I could eventually love him/help him enough that he’d return to the kind person I thought I’d married. Until I couldn’t—reality smacked me in the face countless times and I could no longer ignore the mental illness. But by that point, my self esteem was so eroded that I felt helpless and trapped.

The story is different with my current husband. He is high functioning, but he had an extreme alcohol habit that didn’t affect his ability to work at a high level job, but certainly caused him to check out of our relationship. The extreme self criticism and insecurity he manifested was at odds with how accomplished and professional he was and I chalked that up to him also having a critical parent with a personality disorder. But it took me a long time to realize how dysfunctional he truly is.

We tend to cling to those first impressions, particularly if they are favorable and nurture something positive in us. In addition, those of us who grew up in families with a parent or sibling with a personality disorder tend to overlook or dismiss certain behaviors which would not be tolerated by someone who grew up in a more emotionally healthy home. I’ve often thought that more demonstrative emotionality, such as I observed from my mother (whether good or bad), felt like “family” and thus I didn’t see it as pathological, when it actually was.

[Kashi]

I thought my ex had been sexually abused in her childhood.

I had the sense she was, so I made accommodations for her I wouldn't have for anyone else.

She did say something once that was vague around that topic.

I don't know if something happened.    Her father is BPD.

But treated her with that thought in my mind.  So I let her get away with things I wouldn't other people.

[ForeverDad]

Kashi's post, a few details adjusted to match my experience:

I knew my ex had been sexually abused in her childhood, though I didn't learn that until we had been married several months or more.

I had the sense she was, so I made accommodations for her I wouldn't have for anyone else.

She did say something once that was vague around that topic.

I do know something happened.  Her stepfather was probably NPD, as in "if you don't let me do this then I will do it to your sister."  Years later we learned he had threatened the same thing to her sister about her.  Her mother, likely BPD, once warned her daughters that she'd kick them out - not her husband - if they ever did anything with her husband.

But treated her with that thought in my mind.  So I let her get away with things I wouldn't other people.

[Pook075]

For what it's worth, I never figured it out either across a 23 year marriage, and my daughter was diagnosed with BPD 8 years ago.  The patterns just didn't feel the same and I guess I ignored the rest.

However, in our defense, most of us wouldn't have ended up on this website if we weren't caring, compassionate people who gave it their all to work through everything.  If I were a jerk, I would have left 20+ years ago at the first sign of trouble.  But I'm glad that I stuck it out and we raised our kids together.  I really don't have regrets.

[zachira]

Your question resonates with me, and certainly with many other members here. We see that a person is disordered when we are ready to. I often am surprised when I see very differently a person I have known for years, that how much more aware I am of disordered behaviors than I was before.

[eightdays]

Yeah I felt like I should have known, and in retrospect it is totally clear.  I think this is a normal, valid feeling.  My therapist said there was no way I could have known.  That I didn't have the experience or training, and it wasn't my fault.   My wife started acting out years after we were together.  I try to remember to go easy on myself about that.   I was trying to be an understanding, nice partner and I just didn't know.

[zachira]

Sounds like you are dealing with one of the most difficult disordered people to spot: a person whom you are married to who does not show their true colors until after many years of marriage. One of my distant cousins recently married a woman who is extremely charming except to those people she does not care about. He adores her and the family thinks she great. I happen to no longer be a boot licker (after too many years of one sided relationships) and in the three short interactions I have had with her she has been rude and deliberately unkind to me. I am wondering when and if ever my distant cousin will figure out what kind of woman he is really married to.
 
Glad to hear that therapy is helping and your therapist is letting you know that it is not your fault that your wife is suddenly treating you so badly. Therapy helped me to know myself better and to stop participating in relationships with people who later turned out to be bad news. I too have been taken advantage of by people who seemed nice for many years and then suddenly turned on me. As you continue with therapy, it is likely that somehow you will start to spot sooner the sometimes very small indications that this person may later on not be such a nice person after all. I now distance myself quickly from people who never ask anything about my life and ones who get angry if I don't agree with how they think or if I don't do exactly as they want. I also look for the micro expressions on people's faces, small changes in expression that last for just a few seconds that show how a person is really feeling.

We are all a work in progress on this site as we learn how to deal with the disordered people in our lives. Welcome!