Partner accusing me of DV

[Kitty2011]

I don't know if this is the wrong board to post as I don't really use this, but feel like I am at a rock bottom in my relationship. I am sorry this is very long...

I've been in a relationship with someone for 2 years. We broke up, and I'm finding it hard to understand how someone can behave this way and make damaging accusations about me. My therapist and closest loved ones believe they have undiagnosed BPD.

They have a history of depression and went missing a few years back, but they were found days later after they overdosed on meds. A few months later, they were raped by someone they barely knew 4 years before me. Shortly afterward, they were committed to a 5150. They have been in two relationships that did not last long (one that was on and off when they were 20-22 y/o, second was for 5 months when they were 24 and the other person was significantly older than their father in their 50's), so I am the longest relationship they've been in (they are 30 years old now and I'm 35). They said that her two previous relationships were normal and they've never acted in ways I have. That I am controlling, and manipulative, and accused me of having narcissistic personality disorder/BPD multiple times.

Last year, they accused me of sexually assaulting them and have continued to think this, including accusing me of physically, emotionally, and financially abusing them. They said they were reporting me to the police a year back then, but begged the DA to "drop the case".

Their friends and family are involved in our relationship, and they will call their support system mid-argument. Their best friend called me one time to say that if anything happens to them, it will be my fault because they are threatening to kill themselves.

Last summer, I called because I was concerned after a big argument because they continued to say I sexually assaulted them. When they answered they sounded incoherent and medicated. They mentioned they didn't eat for days, took pills, and blocked their door with a chair. Their parents had to bust the door open and feed them because they could not. I told them I'd call 911, but they told me their parents were going to. Long story short, I rushed to the hospital because they started to drive themselves while medicated. They told me not to tell the nurses they took pills, but I told them anyway. They looked enraged and told the nurse they've been in an abusive relationship with me. The nurses asked me to go to the waiting room, hours later my ex-partner had a pamphlet of DV resources/how to file a police report. None of their family checked up on them, and they clearly needed to be taken care of, so I took them to my home to ensure they were okay.

Two days later, I planned to take them home because they seemed to have detoxed from their medication. They started to blame me for their depression, their suicidal ideation and said the only thing that will help them ease the pain is if I kill them or they kill themselves. They got angry and wanted me to admit I was the reason for their mental health and declining physical health throughout our relationship (they frequently go to the hospital and were recently diagnosed with alopecia). That everyone in their life can see how bad I am for them and they will never approve of me in their life with how bad they're spiraling. I agreed because I didn't know what else to do/say and they threw a glass cup which shattered and slapped my wrist. Said they'd file a restraining order against me and if they die the police will come after me. They proceeded to call their mom to tell them they feel unsafe with me and their mom yelled at me that I messed with the wrong family and they'd pick them up.

It is now months later and we have been arguing frequently. Now, this week they said they wanted to "reopen" the case and said this is the only way for them to feel justified for what I did. If I truly felt remorseful for what I did, I would go through the legal proceedings. I don't believe in my heart I did that and she is constantly saying I did this. It spiraled them to say that I raped them which I've never heard them say until this week. They've accused me of sexual assault and then it escalated to that. They recorded our fight and said as if they were talking to an audience that I raped them and consistently yelled that statement for a long time. I told them to leave and that I can't do this anymore. They refused to leave. They made a call, and I thought it was to the police, but it was to a friend. I called my mother because I have no support here in the state, and it somehow made them act worse. They said they would take me to court and continue filing a case against me, that they have evidence from Dr. that I've been abusive, from therapists and their support system, and recordings.

I typically am the one to reach out, to make things better and to work things out between us. Now I feel at a complete confusion and shame. I'm struggling because I hardly know people in this state and my family is far away. I truly just wanted them to be happy/feel supported by me, but whenever I explain, they think I'm deflecting and not being accountable for my actions.

I know all of this sounds crazy and why would I put myself in this situation? I feel so weak because my self-esteem/self-worth is at its ultimate low and I keep going back to them.

If any of this resonates with you, please let me know and how you were able to get through this...

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi Kitty,

So much of your story resonates with me. I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I won't rehash my whole trauma but please understand there are many parallels here to my experience with someone with BPD and probably many others on this forum can say the same.

A lot of what you are describing is how I felt in my short-lived "marriage" to a man I believed was uBPD and possibly NPD, ASPD, and more (I put quotes because I no longer consider the marriage real). I was trauma-bonded to him, thinking I could help him. My self-esteem was non-existent and I was guilted, threatened, and pressured by him into staying when I knew deep down something was wrong. I was accused of DV, 16 crimes, and I lost my apartment and had to pay for him to live there while having a protective order served on me. All were based on DELUSIONS and LIES of his. He threatened suicide many times and when I did the right thing and got him help, I was "abusive". I ultimately realized how mentally ill and abusive he was and thankfully got out. Two years later, after so much pain and PTSD from the experience, I am healing, safe, and happy.

In my healing journey, I've learned that I have a boundary with giving advice to others. However, I want to share what I've learned from my experience in the hope that it helps you. I can truly say I understand your situation.

1. Lean on this community. We understand and are here for you.

2. Surround yourself with rational people even if you have to seek out a new friend, community, DV advocate, or therapeutic professionals/community where you live now. Being far from your support system is hard. This helped me see more clearly what was happening to me.

3. You are NOT responsible for someone else's "declining mental health" or feelings of suicide. Please repeat this to yourself - you did not cause this, you cannot change it, and you are not responsible for fixing it. You can care about them but YOU are not responsible for anyone but you. It sounds like they really need professional help but like most persons with personality disorders and BPD, they don't know and won't get help.

3. You are being abused. This is not a healthy relationship. That is probably something you know but it is hard to hear from someone else. Sorry, for the tough love here but I say this as I was in denial that it was happening to me too.

4. Talk to your therapist about a safety plan. A trusted professional can help you decide what is best for YOU in this situation.

5. Tomorrow, do one thing for yourself that makes you feel like you. A bike ride, draw something, spend time in nature and listen to music, go to a cafe. Anything that is for you and you alone.

Lastly, you found yourself an incredible resource here with the board. We understand and are here for you.

[swisco]

Hi Kitty2011

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this right now.

Like yellowbutterfly has said, false accusations are a horrible thing to endure.  It's a situation I had to contend with at the end of my marriage too - sadly it's more common than you think.  You've already seen that some allegations can be very unpleasant and of a serious nature.  They are also being made by someone who previously and recently purported to care for you, so it adds up to a situation that's very difficult to deal with.  On one hand the police may be involved, and you are trying to deal with the practicalities of the legal process, and on the other you are trying to make sense of why someone you believe loves you has put you in that situation in the first place.

Looking back, I had no choice but to go immediate and absolute no contact with my now ex-wife - the law didn't allow me to.  Being put in that situation was obviously extremely difficult to start with, but there was nothing I could have done differently.  However, during that time, I was able to learn the full horror of what had actually been taking place behind my back.  The cases against me were all dropped several months later without ever coming to Court, mostly due to the fact I was able to easily refute her claims with something that she didn't have a shred of - evidence.  By this time, my forced no-contact was actually a blessing - I would never have wanted to see the woman again anyway after what had been revealed.  It's now over 4 years since it all happened and I have never seen nor spoken to her ever again, despite incredibly, several attempts by HER to try to get a reaction out of ME via vindictive emails, contacting my employer to try to have me fired, and spiteful social media posts via fake accounts, something that continues TO THIS DAY.  I now find myself in the same position as yellowbutterfly - in my mind the marriage never actually happened.  There was no relationship, because the person who I was in it with was fake.

The bottom line is that someone who makes false allegations against you to compromise you legally, regardless of who you think they are, is not your friend or "in love with you" as you might think.  This is the case even more so, if they continue to persecute you after any initial allegations.  What you are dealing with is a dangerous and manipulative liar who is a very real threat to your liberty and wellbeing. It is likely that they are trying to cover up their own shame over actions that may well have been taking place behind your back - in my own case, my former wife was so unsubtle, she moved the man she had been cheating with into what had been my home 3 WEEKS after I was obliged to leave.  Even though she was still claiming "victimhood", that action by her was instrumental in her sinking her own ship.  She had simply wanted to "erase" me (something which is common with pwBPD) so she could move quickly to apply the next "band aid" - the next poor unfortunate who was going to "save" her.

It may seem daunting to completely distance yourself from someone who is falsely accusing you, but my advice is that it is something you MUST do.  The consequences of not doing so can, in a very real sense, be the absolute end - a reputation, a career, financial stability, and even a life.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting here.  People know what you are going through.

[Kitty2011]

Thank you both for your support and understanding. I feel so alone in this because when I open up to my friends, they become apathetic since I am actively putting myself in this situation. No one understands how difficult it can be after your self-esteem and self-worth are shattered throughout this relationship. It made things worse when I just opened up about being molested by my father to this person, yet then spun around what my father did as me doing the same thing to them recently. I am always feeling in complete confusion and trying to "prove" myself to this person when I know rationally, it's not okay.

When I try to open up to friends, I can understand their frustration, but it ends up me running back to my ex or closing up what's really going on. I'm hoping my continued therapy will allow me to have the strength to leave.

Does anyone know of in-person support groups I can attend as well?