Birthday Cards Ugh!

[Teach21]

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I haven't spoken or messaged with her in 2 weeks. It's a typical cycle and now I'm feeling guilty and wondering if I'm the one in the wrong.  I have no idea how to even initiate contact because I don't know how it will be received. It's not easy to get mail to her where she lives so I send ecards. Does anyone else have a hard time finding a suitable birthday card for your bpd family member? It's so frustrating and also so sad.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I actually don't like most cards. When I do choose a card, I try to find a cute or funny message rather than an emotional one.

[Methuen]

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. I haven't spoken or messaged with her in 2 weeks. It's a typical cycle and now I'm feeling guilty and wondering if I'm the one in the wrong.  I have no idea how to even initiate contact because I don't know how it will be received. It's not easy to get mail to her where she lives so I send ecards. Does anyone else have a hard time finding a suitable birthday card for your bpd family member? It's so frustrating and also so sad.

This is a short paragraph but for me there is still a lot to unpack.  I think it would hit a nerve for a lot of us.

Firstly, how did it go?  Did you send the ecard?  If you did, what happened after?

I struggle so much with cards because the "mother birthday cards" all seem so gushy about their love and all they've given and/or memories and good times spent together and "how much they mean to us".  That just doesn't describe us does it?

I tend to look for a card that I know she will want to receive (still taking care of her "feelings") but without telling a lie.  It has to be authentic to me too.  These cards are extremely hard to find because it can't be cold either.  It's like walking a hire wire between two buildings. 

Teach21, I would like to speak to the part about the "cycle" and you feeling guilty and wondering if you are the one in the wrong.  I would be surprised if every person on this forum hasn't struggled with this.  I feel that recently I am moving through this tunnel and coming out the other side (hopefully to stay on the other side).  What has helped me is radical acceptance, differentiating from my mom, LC, a LOT of therapy, a supportive H to take over the business of transporting her to some appointments (we are semi-retired), and as NW always drills home "working on codependency".  She's right.  I think I had to read about a 100 of her posts on codependency before I started to even think it "might" apply to me.  I think that when I became able to accept that it was OK for me to have my own life and not "feel her feelings for her", I was able to start taking unsteady steps forward, kind of like a toddler still learning to walk.  So much CRAZY stuff has gone down in the past years, that I can now clearly see it.  It really p_ _ _ es me off that for so many years I was caught up in it and probably actually enabled her behavior, without even seeing what was happening.  How is that possible? My point is -> the guilt I used to feel was debilitating. This is why I kept doing what I was doing - which was contributing to the problem (enabling) in a way.  While I can still feel guilt/bad about her circumstances, it isn't debilitating.  I can see my progress.  For example, I used to bring her on family holidays with us because leaving her at home would make me feel guilty.  Crazy I know. She is a "master" manipulator.  Well, now that she's lost her mobility and can't travel, I go away on longer road trips (out of cell service - on purpose!!) .  I have arranged home care "check ins" with home care suggesting they will put a "do not cancel" on the order (because she is so "high risk" living independently).  Drama always ensues.  I keep leaving because I have a right to my life with my H and my children (who sometimes travel with us). Drama always follows when I leave as her feelings of abandonment surge into a Tsunami.  But the more I leave and go away, the better I feel about it.

What I am about to say - I just figured out.  We have to DO MORE FOR OURSELVES AND TAKE CARE OF US to move past this guilt.  We just have to practice practice practice looking after US.  It gets easier over time the more we DO IT. Just like Lebron James practiced shooting a million hoops to get good at what he does.

It's actually ok to look after ourselves.  I am just such a big believer that one of our major tasks is to "shed the guilt" you are referring to.  Guilt is crippling.  We HAVE to get past it.

My mom's birthday is in early April.  She couldn't be bothered to come to my birthday, or her grand-daughter's birthday, even when H offered to pick her up so she could join us.  I mean, what the H _ _ _? This is a big deal because a lot of effort historically goes into big family dinners (but we don't really do gifts - just the big dinner and time together). The kicker is that she will come to a dinner if it's food she likes, or if it's for her birthday!! 

She'll get a card in April.  I'm searching for that today.  But for her birthday, we will order in pizza and have it at her house this year.  And I don't feel one bit guilty.  Now that's progress - for me. 

Figure out how to move forward to shed the guilt Teach21.  You don't have to carry that load any more.

So, back to your mom's birthday.  What happened?  How are you?

[TelHill]

I hope it went well for you, Teach21.

When my mother could see, I'd get religious cards. It's true that that God loves her. She enjoyed these better than the usual -- you gave me so much love. It could be my imagination but she didn't like those. Either her guilt was coming up or, more likely, she thought  this (me)  ungrateful troublemaker could care less about me. I can't believe I have this fakery in front of me -- eye roll.

My mom created her own reality without my input. But very easy to put the blame on yourself. It took me a lot of work to accept that I didn't cause it, I can't change or control it and I can't cure it. BPD is a mental illness without a straight on cure.

Methuen is right about looking after yourself. It's taken me a lot of work in a 12-step program to not be so torn up with every interaction. Her past behavior was very painful so I limit the time and interaction I have with her. I don't know if that helps with your situation. 

[CC43]

Teach, I hope you figured out a suitable way to handle the birthday card situation.

Sometimes what I do is find a pleasing image, like your avatar on this site, and just write Happy Birthday and a short message. I figure that if I like the image, then it will convey a positive feeling, which is what birthday wishes are about anyway.

[Teach21]

Teach, I hope you figured out a suitable way to handle the birthday card situation.

Sometimes what I do is find a pleasing image, like your avatar on this site, and just write Happy Birthday and a short message. I figure that if I like the image, then it will convey a positive feeling, which is what birthday wishes are about anyway.

That is a great idea! After spending at least an hour looking and going to about 6 different sites, I did find a suitable card. Thank you!

[Teach21]

This is a short paragraph but for me there is still a lot to unpack.  I think it would hit a nerve for a lot of us.

Firstly, how did it go?  Did you send the ecard?  If you did, what happened after?

I struggle so much with cards because the "mother birthday cards" all seem so gushy about their love and all they've given and/or memories and good times spent together and "how much they mean to us".  That just doesn't describe us does it?

I tend to look for a card that I know she will want to receive (still taking care of her "feelings") but without telling a lie.  It has to be authentic to me too.  These cards are extremely hard to find because it can't be cold either.  It's like walking a hire wire between two buildings. 

Teach21, I would like to speak to the part about the "cycle" and you feeling guilty and wondering if you are the one in the wrong.  I would be surprised if every person on this forum hasn't struggled with this.  I feel that recently I am moving through this tunnel and coming out the other side (hopefully to stay on the other side).  What has helped me is radical acceptance, differentiating from my mom, LC, a LOT of therapy, a supportive H to take over the business of transporting her to some appointments (we are semi-retired), and as NW always drills home "working on codependency".  She's right.  I think I had to read about a 100 of her posts on codependency before I started to even think it "might" apply to me.  I think that when I became able to accept that it was OK for me to have my own life and not "feel her feelings for her", I was able to start taking unsteady steps forward, kind of like a toddler still learning to walk.  So much CRAZY stuff has gone down in the past years, that I can now clearly see it.  It really p_ _ _ es me off that for so many years I was caught up in it and probably actually enabled her behavior, without even seeing what was happening.  How is that possible? My point is -> the guilt I used to feel was debilitating. This is why I kept doing what I was doing - which was contributing to the problem (enabling) in a way.  While I can still feel guilt/bad about her circumstances, it isn't debilitating.  I can see my progress.  For example, I used to bring her on family holidays with us because leaving her at home would make me feel guilty.  Crazy I know. She is a "master" manipulator.  Well, now that she's lost her mobility and can't travel, I go away on longer road trips (out of cell service - on purpose!!) .  I have arranged home care "check ins" with home care suggesting they will put a "do not cancel" on the order (because she is so "high risk" living independently).  Drama always ensues.  I keep leaving because I have a right to my life with my H and my children (who sometimes travel with us). Drama always follows when I leave as her feelings of abandonment surge into a Tsunami.  But the more I leave and go away, the better I feel about it.

What I am about to say - I just figured out.  We have to DO MORE FOR OURSELVES AND TAKE CARE OF US to move past this guilt.  We just have to practice practice practice looking after US.  It gets easier over time the more we DO IT. Just like Lebron James practiced shooting a million hoops to get good at what he does.

It's actually ok to look after ourselves.  I am just such a big believer that one of our major tasks is to "shed the guilt" you are referring to.  Guilt is crippling.  We HAVE to get past it.

My mom's birthday is in early April.  She couldn't be bothered to come to my birthday, or her grand-daughter's birthday, even when H offered to pick her up so she could join us.  I mean, what the H _ _ _? This is a big deal because a lot of effort historically goes into big family dinners (but we don't really do gifts - just the big dinner and time together). The kicker is that she will come to a dinner if it's food she likes, or if it's for her birthday!! 

She'll get a card in April.  I'm searching for that today.  But for her birthday, we will order in pizza and have it at her house this year.  And I don't feel one bit guilty.  Now that's progress - for me. 

Figure out how to move forward to shed the guilt Teach21.  You don't have to carry that load any more.

So, back to your mom's birthday.  What happened?  How are you?

I'm so sorry your mom won't come to your birthday. That must feel terrible. My mom actually was one who smothered me with physical affection and closeness but was also physically/emotionally abusive to an extent. I always felt her affection was because it was what she needed and not to meet my needs. I didn't want it, but if I didn't give it, then in her mind I was rejecting her and did'nt love her.

I sent the card, but she hasn't even checked her email yet!   I sent her a Happy Birthday image and an "I love you" via text the morning of her birthday before work. (There's a 9 hour time difference between us so I couldn't call after work.) I was relieved to receive a Thank you and I love you too in response.  I video called her today, and as usual, it didn't go well. She speaks in a nasty tone with me and is angry because I'm not who she wants me to be. My brother and sister are NC with her, and she feels it is my duty to tell her everything about everyone else and to continuously try to reconcile them all. She refused to turn her camera on so I could see her or to talk about anything happening with her because I didn't volunteer information about all the other family. She questions me about everyone and wants all the details and will ask me "why did they do that", etc. I don't have the answers, so then she gets upset with me.  She wants a relationship with me but says I only talk about superficial stuff and my life is so "boring".  She's not superficial and wants deep conversation. However, I can't trust her to tell her anything of depth and she judges and criticizes me when I do.  She is not safe. The conversation ended with me telling her I love her, and she said "no, you don't. I said Yes, I do. She said "I don't know why.  Hmmm....that seemed very telling.  Now she will probably withdraw, and I won't hear from her for days or a couple of weeks. She will expect me to pursue her to prove I love her.

I always second guess what I do and feel a deep responsibility to "protect" her and to look after her emotionally. She is alone, elderly, and not in good physical condition. I do realize she has made choices that have put her in the position she is in. I am getting better at feeling guilty after conversations and this forum helps a lot.

[Tired_of_This24]

Does anyone else have a hard time finding a suitable birthday card for your bpd family member? It's so frustrating and also so sad.

100%. Mother’s Day, birthdays, Christmas - where are the “Thanks for giving birth to me but it is bl*&dy horrific having you as a Mum” cards? I’m joking of course, but that thought crosses my mind every time I see all these “You’re the best Mom” cards in the shops. Another reminder of how much we have to grieve because of the BPD parent

[Methuen]

Thanks for the laugh Tired_of_This. I needed that.

[Brace4Tsunami]

Absolutely. I never realized til now, but i also stopped getting anything too "lovey" because she does always seem extremely uncomfortable with ANY emotional expression.

I never got any of the "you're the best mom" or the thanks for nurturing me cards either, but it would be as Methuen said, taking care of her feelings but without lying. That's a perfect description. It takes forever to find one. I can't even get anything funny because depending on what random "mood" she's in, it could trigger a cascade of "wtf just happened" as i call it.

Now my dad who has NPD I just get something very short, humourous and sometimes tongue in cheek and we have a fake (almost sarcastic) chuckle and life moves on.