sillygroblin
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: March 27, 2024, 10:45:50 AM » |
|
Hi all,
I will confess off the bat I have BPD. I am the partner. I use this website now because I really want to understand how to fix conflicts, and how my illness makes my partner feel. He means the world to me, and I feel so much fear I have lost him. We have been together over a year, and when I filled in the "is your relationship healthy" quiz on this website we got "yes" to pretty much everything. Our relationship is healthy, but I am not. I am sick and want to get better.
Prior to meeting him I was in DBT for two years following a couple attempts on my life, ending up in hospital. I felt a lot healthier, and was avoiding romantic relationships because I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone. My ex-partner, while I was definitely not perfect, was sort of abusive (though that is a big word I tend to avoid, but my friends called their behaviour abusive and told me to leave, and I didn't, just emotionally detached until they noticed). I monkey branched and went through a destructive FwB with someone who also had a severe mood disorder. So I wanted, this time, to take it slow. Be upfront. He wanted monogamy/a relationship, no maybes or games. So I was brave, I liked him, there was something there and I decided to give it ago. To stop running from love.
I stopped the contraceptive pill since it made things worse, I was tapered off anti-depressants due to my improvements and my DBT supervisor said I was ready to graduate. Both me and my partner get troubled in times of work stress, stop taking care of ourselves. Our fights are usually on a cycle of 3 weeks, we have really nice periods of bliss, then my pre-menstrual dysphoria kicks in or he has a big work thing and some fight happens. Usually we resolve in a couple hours, we learned to take breaks. I started taking a few minutes to calm down; I would watch some tv, or just go to the toilet, or just say "I'm getting emotional." I cry way too much, especially now. I feel shame because I know it makes him feel bad, but that shame makes me want to cry more. We even have joked about being "due for an argument" after a long period of happiness. My partner is my best friend. We know everything about eachother. I have never lied to him, though yes I can say things in more appealing ways in order to stave off conflict. We never call eachother names or belittle eachother (though sometimes he teases me I tease back etc and sometimes during arguments calls me selfish and oversensitive but that's fair tbh). My worst trait during these phases come from my rare splitting episodes, where I say I don't know if I can go on, that I feel the relationship isn't working or that he should leave me because I am not good enough. This is completely wrong, I know. The feelings feel overwhelming and real, but I can see how awful it is from the other side. In fact I know because my ex threatened to break up with me whenever I told them they had said something hurtful, or when I was upset because they kissed someone else. I am a chronic reassurance addict, which is something I really want to work on. He has worked incredibly hard to learn about and help this disorder, from reading books such as "eggshells" to watching lectures. I remember buying my ex a book supporting partners of BPD and begging them to read it. He is like night and day. Of course he has his own issues. We both have ADHD and periods of hyperfocus where we both don't eat enough, exercise, sleep enough, we forget about eachother and one of us feels discarded. I feel understanding of his own mood swings, which are manageable but hard sometimes to be around, but I need to work on understanding his "emotional language." While I understand crying, shouting, hard boundaries and panic, I often find it hard to read his stress becaus e he is incredibly stoic. Like, I am envious of how stoic he is. Even with no social battery he can laugh with strangers, be interested. What a wonderful human.
Anyway that's a bit of background. Sorry, it is a lot of "me,me,me" I just don't want to speak for him, if that makes sense.
My BPD was very manageable for a while, but I have reached final terms of a masters where I am struggling every day. I am in constant stress, manifesting physically as well as emotionally. I can't do my PLEASE skills because when I eat I often feel nauseous, I have redeveloped periods of insomnia. It was incredible how much I could feel myself getting more insane since December due to the stress. My skills have broken down. I felt constantly on edge for months because I could feel a the urges to hurt myself coming back, and I know where university stress took me before- to hospital. After a stressful week where my partner was under a huge amount of pressure from work and understandably not as able to take care of us, and manage his own stress, a fighting period ensued. I started off communicating calmly, but after a period of silent treatment from him (him trying to work out feelings) and being called words which I find triggering, I split and shouted on the phone to him. He rightfully set boundaries and hung up. I spiralled with shame. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Saying "shut up" was a line for myself I never ever wanted to cross. I never want to be like my mum. All sorts of flashbacks started from my childhood, from the past few months, it was like every hurtful thing that ever happened to me and every hurtful thing I ever did came all at once. I was experiencing every single one of them. I digitally SH by reading up forums of people saying pwBPD need to be euthanised. And I just broke. I started to self mutilate. Immediately I realised it wasn't working so I called our country's helpline.
The next few days I felt so rough, but things with my partner were okay, even if I was unstable. They needed to focus on work. I helped them out a lot with it. After the stress was over, he saw what I had done to myself. He was really gentle at first. But then I think it sunk in. He hasn't been with someone who had hurt themselves before. He said he needed time to think about things, consider the relationship. He doesn't want me to kill myself and him be the reason. I told him he isn't the reason. It's me. At that moment I felt so scared that the relationship was over. We cried and held eachother. I felt so ashamed, so upset. I feel like our relationship is over in his eyes. I did DBT the next morning and we watched TV together and talked until my Dad picked me up.
He can't look after me. It's almost like he needs a therapist being with me. He has needed therapy before for his own issues, and I strongly believe he needs therapy in general. But I know I make it worse. Any illness is tough for a partner to witness. Seeing your partner struggle and being powerless to stop it. It's horrendous. I know how broken-hearted I feel whenever I see him struggling with friends, work or his family. I remember once he was so depressed due to a disagreement with his family when we were up visiting them I stood outside the door petrified he would be hurting himself (that was projection).
He has been a caretaker for me and put in so much work. I need to do the same for him. I want to do the same for him. In our recent valentines cards he told me I make his world brighter and less scary. I want that. I want that so so much. He is my best friend. One of the last things he said was he wants to make this work, that he loves me. But he needs space to ask himself questions about us. I left and have not reached out to him since. He messaged last night and I responded.
I have immediately gone back to my DBT therapist, who said it was completely normal to need a top up during a time like this. I called my old friend (my best platonic friend), who has been with me for around 14 years now, who said he is proud of me and that I am so much better than I was two years ago; how calm I am, how self-aware and getting help. Disability service at my uni finally came through with an appointment, the timing cannot be better. I went to my GP and got prescribed a new AD. Went on this website, looking for help.
I am surprisingly okay. The silence, the space is torturous. All I want to do is call my partner and tell him about my day, to find out how he is. I want to joke with him, hear his voice. If he is breaking up with me, I want the band-aid ripped off. My stomach is in knots and I can't eat, I have chest pains. But honestly, I haven't cried much. I haven't broken any boundaries. I have absolutely no urge to hurt myself. I am respecting his space and honestly I feel really good about myself for doing so.
I haven't been taking care of myself for months, this is the consequence. This has been the slap in the face I needed. How can I go back to him when he is ready and prove I can learn to take care of him better? How can I take care of him better? How can I make him a cog, not the whole machine, of my support system? How can I gently suggest we both try therapy? How can I prove I won't hurt myself anymore without making promises?
My main question is this: What is he most likely feeling right now? My dad gave me an idea. As he was around for my trip to a&e in 2021 and it shook him really bad. My close friends were upset with me then too.
Our relationship means so much to me. We have talked about marriage, children, he asked me to move in with him once I can afford it, we have all these inside jokes, shared passions and values. We have so many good times.
I am prepared to do anything to fix our relationship. Part of me feels maybe a period of "dating" would help. No sleepovers, release the enmeshment. Until I am on an even keel again.
Last night we both said I love you. We both still love eachother. I don't know what to do. I know in my heart we can work, that out of everyone I have met, we are most compatible. I haven't had a partner where I giggle with glee inside because I am kissing my best friend. I couldn't picture myself having a family with anyone else. I have a lot of work to do. Any help, success stories etc would be appreciated because I am really feeling pessimistic right now. I don't know what to do next.
|
