I need guidance and some help

[ineedhelphealing]

This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. This is taking me far more courage than it should. I was referred this page by my therapist and my parent coach and the walking on eggshells book. It had been suggested that my spouse potentially might suffer from cluster B. As there are not as many resources and support groups for this, i have ended up here. I was told that bpd shares many of the same traits that she experiences. She does have Graves disease ( auto immune dissorder that affects every cell in her body) which can affect her brain chemestry and moods. These severe mood swings are known as graves rage( similar to Roid Rage). While i have never been hit by her, i have seen her smash a few things over the years(14). While her Graves disease is more under check at current date it can leave long-lasting mental health concerns. All of this together between cluster B and Graves disease make for a perfect storm, and that doesnt include childhood issues which im slowly finding out the extent to. I had a back injury about three and a half years ago that has left me disabled and unable to work. I have been a stay-at-home dad for this time. Our relationship, shortly after my accident, permanently changed. our dynamics were flip-flopped. Things have gotten out of control to the point where she wants me gone. We have tried to have many conversations over the past few months and end as fights. They typically end when I am threatened to be kicked out when my back issues are settled by the court system. Since the first time she threatened me of this every time there is an argument it ends up the same with the kick out date being moved up. Everyday she finds something new to complain about and try and throw in my face even though things are hard for me to do. If I try to explain or defend myself it turns into a fight. I now have to just stay silent and take it or walk away if I can't. as a stay at home Dad who hasn't had a job in three and a half years and no income and disabled it is very hard to be threatened in this way. I used to be a plumber and make decent money and she was able to be a stay-at-home mom because of it. I need help. I am trying to get over being depressed since my back injury. I am trying to get over not being the person I was. The injury was soul shattering. I am currently in the process of getting therapy and it helps little by little but it seems like such a slow pace. I feel like I start to make a few steps forward, and I get knocked right back. I am doing everything I possibly can to make my life healthier and again I need help. Thank you for reading this. It felt good just to be able to type out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You mentioned that the relationship changed after the accident- how so?  Was it just the working roles or something more?

This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. This is taking me far more courage than it should. I was referred this page by my therapist and my parent coach and the walking on eggshells book. It had been suggested that my spouse potentially might suffer from cluster B. As there are not as many resources and support groups for this, i have ended up here.

All of us ended up here pretty much the exact same way, and every single one of us made a first post wondering if we'd get some help. You'll soon realize that this site is such a blessing for people in our situation because we can speak openly without fear of judgement.  In many ways, it's changed my life and all for the better.

All of this together between cluster B and Graves disease make for a perfect storm, and that doesnt include childhood issues which im slowly finding out the extent to.

We are not here to diagnose and folks here don't get too hung up on labels because the goal is not to "fix your wife."  Instead, it's to help you find better communication methods to stop the arguments and allow you to actually heal.

So I'll ask right off the bat, what are you doing to help you deal with the injury and your wife's anger?  Mentally, we need to find a game plan to help you navigate through this.  Have you considered individual or couples counseling?

I had a back injury about three and a half years ago that has left me disabled and unable to work. I have been a stay-at-home dad for this time. Our relationship, shortly after my accident, permanently changed. our dynamics were flip-flopped. Things have gotten out of control to the point where she wants me gone.

Everyday she finds something new to complain about and try and throw in my face even though things are hard for me to do. If I try to explain or defend myself it turns into a fight. I now have to just stay silent and take it or walk away if I can't.

That sounds like such a difficult situation and again, you have my sympathy since I went through a similar thing in my marriage.

If you take a look at the "tools" section at the top of the page, you'll see links for validating your wife's feelings, setting boundaries, listening with empathy and several other very important topics.  Please read through these with an open mind to help you better understand how to avoid those blowout arguments or minimize them.  The goal is not to blame or defend when you're wife's unstable, it's to help her calm down and get into a better mindset. 

This kind of thing takes practice because it's not intuitive, and it's why all of us eventually end up here.  Things can be turned around though if you're willing to put in the work and have the patience to see it though.

[ineedhelphealing]

This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. This is taking me far more courage than it should. I was referred this page by my therapist and my parent coach and the walking on eggshells book. It had been suggested that my spouse potentially might suffer from cluster B. As there are not as many resources and support groups for this, i have ended up here. I was told that bpd shares many of the same traits that she experiences. She does have Graves disease ( auto immune dissorder that affects every cell in her body) which can affect her brain chemestry and moods. These severe mood swings are known as graves rage( similar to Roid Rage). While i have never been hit by her, i have seen her smash a few things over the years(14). While her Graves disease is more under check at current date it can leave long-lasting mental health concerns. All of this together between cluster B and Graves disease make for a perfect storm, and that doesnt include childhood issues which im slowly finding out the extent to. I had a back injury about three and a half years ago that has left me disabled and unable to work. I have been a stay-at-home dad for this time. Our relationship, shortly after my accident, permanently changed. our dynamics were flip-flopped. Things have gotten out of control to the point where she wants me gone. We have tried to have many conversations over the past few months and end as fights. They typically end when I am threatened to be kicked out when my back issues are settled by the court system. Since the first time she threatened me of this every time there is an argument it ends up the same with the kick out date being moved up. Everyday she finds something new to complain about and try and throw in my face even though things are hard for me to do. If I try to explain or defend myself it turns into a fight. I now have to just stay silent and take it or walk away if I can't. as a stay at home Dad who hasn't had a job in three and a half years and no income and disabled it is very hard to be threatened in this way. I used to be a plumber and make decent money and she was able to be a stay-at-home mom because of it. I need help. I am trying to get over being depressed since my back injury. I am trying to get over not being the person I was. The injury was soul shattering. I am currently in the process of getting therapy and it helps little by little but it seems like such a slow pace. I feel like I start to make a few steps forward, and I get knocked right back. I am doing everything I possibly can to make my life healthier and again I need help. Thank you for reading this. It felt good just to be able to type out. I do seek to talk to more people about this. I prefer verbal as my typing abilities are limitted. Othwrwise, expect replies to be a little slower.

[ineedhelphealing]

I once asked her why things changed a few months after my injury and job loss, was it that i couldnt provide? While it was the straw that broke the camels back, she said things have been slowly going down hill before that. And then listed off about 10 things of which that seem like they were resolved or fixable in my head. The actual answer is never given. I try to help fix things she tells me is wrong, and the goalpost is moved after that sadly. I feel that she saw me as a burden and wanted to not hqve that. I dont think i will ever get a strait answer to that. Sorry for complicated explination.

[ineedhelphealing]

As far as the injury goes, I get pain in my low right back and sciatic pain down my right leg. I get physical therapy, injections,(last one up the tailbone) and I've had a surgery, lapendectomy i think its called. The pain is getting worse little by little day by day. I'm probably facing a spine fusion to help relieve even some of the chronic pain, not all of it. I have felt a huge loss of who I once was being unable to do most physical activities I once did, and I was very active. I feel like a puzzle that has been dropped on the ground and only a quarter of it is still together though it's not very recognizable. Feels like those puzzle pieces will not fit back in to the puzzle anymore. Because of that I have been seeking to put new puzzle pieces in. I do see a therapist in regards to my feelings about this and my relationship. I have started playing darts to have some kind of physical activity. I ended up having to put it in the garage because she would not let me hang in the house. But I pressed through the cold Wisconsin air and enjoy it. In the moment when I feel upset I tried to make myself walk around the block regardless of how hard it is and how much pain it brings. A cold stinging air dries tears very well. In no way am I suicidal or anything like that. I've had enough friends and family in life take their lives and never realize they could have changed them in a better way. I do a lot of research on myself and my mental state. I do a lot of research on trying to better understand my wife's mental state and what she's going through. I am still trying to find more ways to spend my time other than cleaning a house that takes for too long for me to do in my condition and taking care of the kids. It is very hard to find extra time when 3 to 4 hours of what it used to take me to do things now takes me 12 to 16 and that's on bad days. And good days that might be 6 to 8 hours.

[ineedhelphealing]

As far as couple counseling it is a no-go sadly.

[ineedhelphealing]

I look forward to looking through the boards. There is a lot to read and digest. Anything to help better this situation!

[Pook075]

I once asked her why things changed a few months after my injury and job loss, was it that i couldnt provide? While it was the straw that broke the camels back, she said things have been slowly going down hill before that. And then listed off about 10 things of which that seem like they were resolved or fixable in my head. The actual answer is never given. I try to help fix things she tells me is wrong, and the goalpost is moved after that sadly. I feel that she saw me as a burden and wanted to not hqve that. I dont think i will ever get a strait answer to that. Sorry for complicated explination.

BPD is a mental illness and it makes it tough to get straight answers.  Why?  Because when they're unstable or dysregulated, their thoughts are all over the place.  So what you're looking for and what she's receiving are two very different things.

You're thinking about this logically- the sky is blue.  She's thinking about it emotionally- the sky is an endless sea of changing colors depending on what she had for breakfast.  Both can be true for each of you; it's just different thought patterns. 

So when you ask, "Why has things changed?" is like asking what components are needed to build an intergalactic spaceship.  She has no idea because all she's doing is responding to her unstable emotions and speaking what she feels.

For example, when I smash my thumb with a hammer, there's a pretty good chance I'm going to cuss and say a few unsavory things.  However, I normally don't cuss at all, so this is very out of character for me...but you can understand why I'd do that in the moment.  You can understand the intensity of smashing a finger and mental illness is a lot like that. 

Mentally, some of the questions you ask, some of your reactions or body language, some of your habits...in her mind they're like smashing her finger with a hammer. 

Your wife is like that sometimes, she must vent and the stuff she's ranting over is not actually the problem.  Your job is to soothe her by not paying too much attention to the words and focusing on her emotions.  Help her calm down and feel comforted, that's what she actually wants...even though that's not what she's saying.  She simply wants to be understood and loved but she's almost helpless in opening up and communicating that.

I hope that helps- I know that's a lot at once.

[ineedhelphealing]

I try hard to understand the way she thinks and feels. It is an impossibility when day to day hour to hour minute to minute second to second she can change. It feels like the goal post for expectations is constantly pushed further and further back. And somewhere along the line over many years together I have found that I've been too vulnerable with her. my vulnerabilities are often used against me through words and in actions. I think ultimately in our relationship the biggest problem that we have had is the inability to actually fix problems instead of pretend that they didn't happen. I'm frequently told how poor of a listener I am. I do try my best not just to listen but to understand. Much of the time it feels like a sick joke

[ineedhelphealing]

I think the things i struggle most with is the blaming and shaming. I am at a point where i feel depressed and need to do a little more for myself. It is really hard to heal myself and keep the temper at bay. I want to stay with her more than life its self! At some points, i am realizing that this relationship might be more than i can shoulder. This is some very scary doubt for me. These realizations shake me to my core.

[kells76]

Hi ineedhelphealing and another from me. It's no wonder you're feeling depressed when you're faced with so much blame, shame, and intensity. That would wear anyone down, to say nothing of coping with a back injury, and not "just" a back injury, but one that impacts your career and role in the family.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, one of the ways to make things more livable in your relationship is to focus on yourself and what you need, and get yourself in a better emotional space. I hear you that she isn't open to couples counseling -- have you considered counseling just for yourself? Your W doesn't sound very able to provide empathy, support, or listening right now, but you need it. Maybe think about reaching out to a counselor. It's been really helpful to me. Sometimes you can find counselors who meet online/remotely so you don't have to drive there. Some will also do "sliding scale" fees so it isn't too expensive.

I think the things i struggle most with is the blaming and shaming. I am at a point where i feel depressed and need to do a little more for myself. It is really hard to heal myself and keep the temper at bay. I want to stay with her more than life its self! At some points, i am realizing that this relationship might be more than i can shoulder. This is some very scary doubt for me. These realizations shake me to my core.

That's a lot to process. This is a space where you can do that, with no pressure to make decisions or operate on any timeline with any deadlines. You can just explore how you feel and what you want; we get it. There's no due date.

Can I ask (and don't feel like you have to answer something you don't want to), with the back injury, are you able to move around the house ok? I.e., can you walk unassisted? The reason I ask is because hearing blame and shame damages your marriage relationship and damages you. Blame in a relationship is bad for the relationship, is bad for your W (it isn't a healthy thing for her to be doing), and is bad for you to be hearing. A simple but effective thing to try would be when she "revs up" and launches into "You never... you always... you're just...", you are allowed to leave the room. You are not required to stick around and listen!

You don't even have to explain to her all the reasons why you're leaving. You can just exit. Or, you could say "I don't like hearing those things. I'm going to go watch a movie." Or, even simpler, "I have to go do laundry." Or, "I'm letting the dog out." It would be a true boundary because it isn't about making her stop, it's about you deciding what you will let into your life.

Maybe easier said than done -- what do you think? What sounds do-able as a "baby step"?