Need some guidance and insights and wisdom

[Maybemaybenot112]

Greetings! First time I visited these forums cause I think I need some help.

So my story is this....been together with this wonderful girl for 9 months.. we were living together for 3 months and she introduced me to her family.

Her family really liked me and told me that she never introduced anyone in years...

A month later hells doors opened up... We had fights before sure.
But I felt something is different.

She took ages to answer to text, left them on read, and before that was never the case.

So one night I accidentally saw a message coming from a guy....
The message itself was super flirty.
I know at that time she had no time/space to cheat on me but she surely monkey branched or started it.

So I told her that I worth more than that and don't wanna do this. I'm not gonna be second in line and left.

Even when I told her I saw the message she told me I'm delusional and she didn't cheat.

A week later when I calmed down asked her if we could talk things through. But she refused. She said she didn't trust me, If only I would of listened earlier...but I always gave her my all.

2.5 months radio silence since.

It seems like she is checking my Facebook stories every time I post something.

The first month was terrible.
I'm getting better now, but I still love her.

And it's hard not to know if I ever hear from her again.....
To not know if I ever see her again...

I kinda want a charm, an apology
Anything.

I was always there for fight for her and reassure here, one time I wanted to be reassured but......

Do they come back?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Maybemaybenot112]

Like don't know what to do....chase? Wait?

[kells76]

Hello Maybemaybenot112 and

Sounds like the good parts of your relationship were really good, and the bad parts were pretty bad. And it all happened in a short time period, too, so that intensifies things.

You're in a tricky spot and the relationship kind of left off with feelings of hurt, betrayal, and harshness. Whether she "actually" cheated or not (whether there's "proof" or not) is less relevant than that the things she was doing, that seem "cheating adjacent", did not work for you. Hurt and betrayal. I can see how from that situation, you might say something intense like this:

So I told her that I worth more than that and don't wanna do this. I'm not gonna be second in line and left.

which can read like an ultimatum/initiating the breakup.

Difficult place to come back from -- but you can play the cards you have, even though they're maybe not the ones you'd want, to the best of your ability.

...

A good place to start would be checking out our articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup. While it's hard to know whether or not your exGF has BPD -- we don't diagnose here -- the "nice" thing is that learning new tools, skills, and approaches here won't make things worse if she doesn't.

Improving your communication skills -- really, really, really leveling them up, in terms of real listening, avoiding invalidation, improving validation, and listening empathetically -- would probably be a strong place to focus for starters. We have a great section of workshops on relationship skills, so take a look at those.

Working on yourself, managing your own emotions more effectively, and decreasing emotional neediness (i.e. chasing/begging) may also be a card to play. Have you considered working with a counselor or therapist at all? It can help when BPD (or even "just" emotional intensity) is involved in a relationship.

Sitting with discomfort -- "I should be doing something to get her back with me, I should convince her, I need to be in front of her 24/7 so she can't forget me" -- and not acting on it will be huge.

She may come back -- she may not -- there are no guarantees, but managing your own emotions (i.e. not letting the desire to chase/beg/convince be what's driving you), building your own skills, and getting as healthy as you can, will be a good foundation, no matter what happens.

...

Besides the "Facebook checking", has she been in touch any other way? Has she blocked texts/etc?

[Maybemaybenot112]

So 2 weeks after the B/U she sent a brief text that her cat was really ill... That's it, I replied if she needs any help let me know

Roughly a month ago I sent her text to wish her happy birthday. No reply tho but it went through so Im pretty sure mobile is not blocked either.

[kells76]

Forgot to ask -- so you were together for 9 months, living together for 3 months (I'm assuming the last 3 months?), and have been living separately for 2.5 months? Is that the timeline?

How long did you two know each other before starting the relationship?

[Maybemaybenot112]

Yeah that's perfect. Knew each other for a year before that we were working together

[Maybemaybenot112]

We were like friends before...

And the thing is part of me wants to chase but the other part knows that I told her that she is super important to me, wished her happy birthday so she knows my feelings.

And if I keep chasing I chase her away

[kells76]

We were like friends before...

And the thing is part of me wants to chase but the other part knows that I told her that she is super important to me, wished her happy birthday so she knows my feelings.

And if I keep chasing I chase her away

Seems like an important realization, that "chasing" might be more about you and your discomfort than about her and what's effective. So much that we think would be constructive is based on "generally normal" relationships (though even in those, "chasing"/neediness isn't always attractive), and if BPD is involved, we need to step away from instinctive moves and be more thoughtful and even counterintuitive.

That being said, can you tell us a bit more about what led you to suspect BPD? Does she have a diagnosis? Not to minimize cheating/cheating-adjacent behavior, which is a betrayal -- but partners in "generally normal" relationships also cheat. Lots of relationships end after months, and it isn't surprising that moving in together could be a stressor. Again, this isn't to minimize any of the behaviors, more to learn what brought you here.

...

Going back to your original question:

Do they come back?

the answer can be "it depends". My H's kids' mom never has (thank goodness!) and hasn't even made overtures to him, despite not being happy in her current relationship. Other pwBPD do reach out again. It can help to remember that BPD isn't the totality of a person's personality, so there can be variation in a person's individual tendencies, apart from BPD.

We do have a workshop on Relationship Recycling (aka breakup/makeup cycles) with some really good food for thought. This stood out to me:

Why do we get caught up in cycles?
 
These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?
 

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have our own abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  

Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?
 
It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.
 

• Inability to deal with acute loneliness

• Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

• Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

• Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

Take a look at the whole thing, especially the section on repair wanting to stay in the relationship after a breakup/makeup. Anything really stand out to you, apply to your situation?

[Maybemaybenot112]

I never knew about BPD before the b/U

But ever since the b/U I had to realise that she is textbook.
Also my therapist confirmed it in a way...obvious he didn't diagnose her but....
Black and white thinking all the time.
Getting mad when I don't read her mind.
Constant need for reassurance.
Pushing me away than pulling me back in.
Terrible family background
Never taking accountability
Gaslighting
Not remembering things she said.
Every time we have a wonderful time it followed up by days when she would be a lot colder.
Emotional bucket with holes.

I know these are not a trait of a healthy person.... But I do love her and knew she had flaws and problems.
It's not like I singed up for something absolutely normal.
I knew this at the beginning even tho I had no knowledge about BPD.

Look for every negative thing she had something positive too. And I knew deep down that those negative things are coming from her and not me and I shouldn't take it personally.

Was it super confusing at times? Sure
Was it annoying?
Absolutely
But I knew it's her.

After the b/U I think I'm being painted black we had a "conversation" before her bday where she told me it's my fault, I should of listened more, I'm toxic, should of gave more, understand her more, she doesn't have trust, she had enough.... Even tho I was the one who found it out.

Will I ever be able to change her? I dont have that kind of illusion anymore.

Do I want to loose her and delete her out of my life like she did to me?
No I don't think so.

It's so confusing had the most amazing most intimate sex we ever had weeks before, met her family, I felt special that she haven't introduced the other guys.

And after that it's like the whole thing ment nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And yeah I should move on and forget about her cut my losses.

But I'm not that kind of guy who gives up easily on people that are important.

That's why I'm asking what's the best approach.




 

[Maybemaybenot112]

I do know now if we ever get back together I have to stop enabling her and stop taking the caretaker role, the guy on shining armour. And not try to save her.

It's just this uncertainty that someone who was soo important for me just disappears completely like she died.

[kells76]

I never knew about BPD before the b/U

But ever since the b/U I had to realise that she is textbook.
Also my therapist confirmed it in a way...obvious he didn't diagnose her but....

Curious if you and your T have chatted more about your role in/attraction to the relationship? Not that her role in it isn't important -- more that you're the one in therapy talking to the T. Often, learning what draws us to a BPD dynamic can help us make healthier choices going forward.

For example, while I didn't know it at the time, my high school best friend's mom has BPD. It was never on my radar at the time and was never discussed, but there must have been something familiar about a BPD "vibe" or "dynamic" or "family structure" that attracted me to my friend. "We just really got each other" -- yeah, why was that?

When I met my now-H, I knew his kids' mom was intense, but didn't know she had BPD. I also didn't know that H's mom and 2 of his sisters had/have strong traits. Again, something about the "vibe" must have felt normal to me. I'm a person who has been attracted to BPD-permeated families. I really need to look at where that is coming from (hint, from my family of origin) to understand how to navigate it healthily.

None of that means "once you find out BPD is somehow involved, cut ties". I'm still friends with my best friend and I'm still married to my H. It's more about shining light on what's under your control -- yourself -- to do the hard work to change familiar-feeling relational moves and get healthier.

...

I do know now if we ever get back together I have to stop enabling her and stop taking the caretaker role, the guy on shining armour. And not try to save her.

It's just this uncertainty that someone who was soo important for me just disappears completely like she died.

It can be really uncomfortable to stop being a caretaker -- I know. It's a good thing to work on in T. If you bring that up in a session, let us know how it goes.

I feel like part of the difficulty and hurt of BPD interaction is that it's like -- the body is still there but the person is gone. BPD sufferers can have a weak or absent sense of self... but remain alive... so there can be this limbo of "if she were dead I could at least grieve and know she's gone for good" but instead she's alive and not there. That dynamic can show up with strained/estranged parent-child relationships, too. IDK if it's clinical, but there's something kind of "poetically accurate" about how BPD robs the sufferer and you of their personhood while leaving them physically alive -- so you can't grieve, but you want to.

It might be worth bringing that up in T, too: is there a way you can grieve the end of the old relationship, kind of "lay it to rest", knowing that if stuff is going to work out with you and her in the future, it needs to be on a new foundation?

...

Yeah that's perfect. Knew each other for a year before that we were working together

Do you still work together?

[Maybemaybenot112]

We don't work together... She changed jobs back in may and that's when we started to really date.

Unfortunately me being a caretaker comes naturally, I'm a problem solver and my father is a doctor.

Of course it's different to take care of someone in need, or enable someone who is unhealthy and try to help/fix what I didn't cause or can't control.

Unfortunately I learned that after the b/U.
From the outside it seemed to me she just fragile and needs some reassurance and I never had problem doing that...

Even later I didn't have problem reassuring my partner that I do love her but I started to feel like the bar is getting higher and higher.

Which is kinda sad. It seemed to me and told her that sometimes the closer and more intimate we get in the relationship the further away we are. And what can we do to solve this.

Of course it seems like it wasn't necessary me.(I know I'm not perfect but I tried to give my all to her)

But it's not a great feeling to be so helpless.
Like I like to solve and good at solving problems, but right now it feels like whatever action I would take would only have a negative backlash. Feels like my hands are tied.

I know that she would have to reach out for this to go anywhere and I want her to.

But it kills me not knowing if she ever will.

And trying to improve myself on the meantime and doing great progress in my opinion.

But every now and then have a bad day when I miss her.