how to stop blaming yourself for everything

[ahsim]

I spent 7 months working on myself, talking to & hanging out with friends, doing well at work, started going to the gym, felt good about my romantic prospects since lot’s of girls showed interest in me & reached a point where I genuinely was so positive about life. It wasn’t perfect by any means but I really liked myself. This time alone helped me cement the idea that I would really like a relationship now, I feel ready & it feels like the one thing I’m missing.

It all flowed so easy (too easy now that I look at it) a beautiful funny girl showed up, she wanted to show me the world, she LOVED me! yeah she has bpd, & I could tell before she even told me, but that’s ok I have mental health issues too we’ll work through our struggles together right? But you all know how that goes.

Throughout our relationship, she threatened break up if I didn’t act right 3 times (technically the 4th was actually the 1st…the 2nd day we were together irl & she said ai should just leave…) but came back every time even when it really felt like it was over. This time she says it’s serious, & it’s for the best we stay apart. Although she asked to still stay in contact cuz she “really loves & cares for me”, “doesn't know how she’ll feel later when we’ve had some space” she also “can’t promise we’ll ever be together”

It’s been about 5 days now, first 2 days I was depressed & blamed myself for everything, 3rd I realised how much more calm & simple life is now, & my friends effortless positive care for me made me feel a lot better (I didn’t even tell them what happened, a bunch of friends just happened to reach out) 4th & 5th I oscillate between feeling like it’s for the best & I did my best & looking for confirmation of whether it was my fault or what I could of done differently.

Especially because every time the break ups were imminent, she’d tell me that I need to be less sensitive & insecure & trust her more. & now that it’s over she said I should come back only if I feel good again. It really gives the impression that the only reason we’re over is cuz of me. Don’t get me wrong I definitely messed up a lot, I threw so much away to make her happy, instead of being able to be secure when she disappeared I often stressed out of my mind, however…there’s so much stuff she did that caused & worsened these anxieties in me, I tried so hard to let them go & just couldn’t.

The problem I’m having is I’m a chronic over thinker, & since I have a conscious..I’m feeling guilty for what I DID do wrong.

[SinisterComplex]

I spent 7 months working on myself, talking to & hanging out with friends, doing well at work, started going to the gym, felt good about my romantic prospects since lot’s of girls showed interest in me & reached a point where I genuinely was so positive about life. It wasn’t perfect by any means but I really liked myself. This time alone helped me cement the idea that I would really like a relationship now, I feel ready & it feels like the one thing I’m missing.

It all flowed so easy (too easy now that I look at it) a beautiful funny girl showed up, she wanted to show me the world, she LOVED me! yeah she has bpd, & I could tell before she even told me, but that’s ok I have mental health issues too we’ll work through our struggles together right? But you all know how that goes.

Throughout our relationship, she threatened break up if I didn’t act right 3 times (technically the 4th was actually the 1st…the 2nd day we were together irl & she said ai should just leave…) but came back every time even when it really felt like it was over. This time she says it’s serious, & it’s for the best we stay apart. Although she asked to still stay in contact cuz she “really loves & cares for me”, “doesn't know how she’ll feel later when we’ve had some space” she also “can’t promise we’ll ever be together”

It’s been about 5 days now, first 2 days I was depressed & blamed myself for everything, 3rd I realised how much more calm & simple life is now, & my friends effortless positive care for me made me feel a lot better (I didn’t even tell them what happened, a bunch of friends just happened to reach out) 4th & 5th I oscillate between feeling like it’s for the best & I did my best & looking for confirmation of whether it was my fault or what I could of done differently.

Especially because every time the break ups were imminent, she’d tell me that I need to be less sensitive & insecure & trust her more. & now that it’s over she said I should come back only if I feel good again. It really gives the impression that the only reason we’re over is cuz of me. Don’t get me wrong I definitely messed up a lot, I threw so much away to make her happy, instead of being able to be secure when she disappeared I often stressed out of my mind, however…there’s so much stuff she did that caused & worsened these anxieties in me, I tried so hard to let them go & just couldn’t.

The problem I’m having is I’m a chronic over thinker, & since I have a conscious..I’m feeling guilty for what I DID do wrong.

Welcome to the fam my friend.  We will have your back here. Please feel free to share as much as you want and ask as many questions as you need to.

With that said...a quick response...the most important part of what you said..."The problem I’m having is I’m a chronic over thinker, & since I have a conscious..I’m feeling guilty for what I DID do wrong." - This was perceived as an area of weakness you have and it was exploited.

You are thinking this is a YOU problem when my friend it takes two to tango. Are you absolved of your mistakes...no. However, the other party is just as guilty...never forget that. Regardless of a disorder being involved or not it is never just 1 person's fault, but rather a host of things on both party's part.

You are not over because of just YOU. Stop that line of thinking right now. Grab some baby powder and smack some sense into yourself. You are hurt okay. You have to grieve. So grieve, be sad, get it out. Just do not toss blame at yourself and beat yourself up. That is destructive and will not solve anything or help anything.

This is going to be a process and a journey so do not rush things and do not place deadlines on yourself or compare your timeline to anyone else. Just focus on bettering yourself and letting yourself heal.

That is enough for now. Please continue to engage with the membership at large. We all get it and understand.

In the meantime please be kind to YOU and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[ahsim]

Welcome to the fam my friend.  We will have your back here. Please feel free to share as much as you want and ask as many questions as you need to.

With that said...a quick response...the most important part of what you said..."The problem I’m having is I’m a chronic over thinker, & since I have a conscious..I’m feeling guilty for what I DID do wrong." - This was perceived as an area of weakness you have and it was exploited.

You are thinking this is a YOU problem when my friend it takes two to tango. Are you absolved of your mistakes...no. However, the other party is just as guilty...never forget that. Regardless of a disorder being involved or not it is never just 1 person's fault, but rather a host of things on both party's part.

You are not over because of just YOU. Stop that line of thinking right now. Grab some baby powder and smack some sense into yourself. You are hurt okay. You have to grieve. So grieve, be sad, get it out. Just do not toss blame at yourself and beat yourself up. That is destructive and will not solve anything or help anything.

This is going to be a process and a journey so do not rush things and do not place deadlines on yourself or compare your timeline to anyone else. Just focus on bettering yourself and letting yourself heal.

That is enough for now. Please continue to engage with the membership at large. We all get it and understand.

In the meantime please be kind to YOU and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you so much I’ll make sure to not deal with all the feelings completely on my own, talk to friends & enjoy life as much as I can

The past few days there has been periods of lucidity where I know I did my best. It just feels like I’ve regressed so hard after thinking I had really gotten it & could “do” a relationship “this time”
but of course, being completely honest. she crashed into my life, completely obsessed & infatuated with me who was nothing but a stranger, we met irl as soon as we could, & rushed into things so fast even though I tried to keep things as slow & steady as I could. Even near the end, she told me she wanted to have a family with me but didn’t even know my birthday or my favourite color or could name a favourite song of mine…

The main reason I feel this way is just a recognition of codependency in me, & how if I had just not let myself get way too attached I could’ve avoided a lot of pain. It’s a bit dramatic to say it’s ALL my fault..just feels like it every so often.

[tina7868]

The main reason I feel this way is just a recognition of codependency in me, & how if I had just not let myself get way too attached I could’ve avoided a lot of pain. It’s a bit dramatic to say it’s ALL my fault..just feels like it every so often.

Hey ahsim, I`ll join SC in welcoming you to the fam  . Your story resonates with me, as it does with many members here. I think attachments are at the centre of a lot of our stories. Don`t be hard on yourself, it isn`t easy. That being said, a situation like this can be seen as a catalyst for a ton of growth and self acceptance. If you`re willing to put in some work, which it sounds like you are (and already have), you can not only learn about yourself, but also acquire skills that will bear fruit for the rest of your life. It`s all about perspective and patience, but I promise it gets better.

[Cynthia85]

It sounds like you've been through a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences in your relationship. First and foremost, it's important to recognize that blaming yourself for everything is not only unproductive but also unfair to yourself. Relationships are a two-way street, and it seems like there were complexities and challenges on both sides.

To stop blaming yourself, start by acknowledging that you are not solely responsible for the outcome of the relationship. Understand that relationships involve dynamics between two individuals, and both parties contribute to its success or failure. Reflect on the aspects of the relationship that were within your control and take responsibility for those, but also recognize the factors that were beyond your control.

Practice self-compassion and forgiveness. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks in relationships. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.

Seek support from trusted friends or a therapist who can provide perspective and help you navigate through your feelings of guilt and self-blame. Remember, healing takes time, but with patience and self-reflection, you can learn to let go of self-blame and move forward with a healthier mindset.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Thanks for sharing your story.  What happened before the "7 months" ?  You were coming out of another relationship?  And this current relationship started as soon as you started dating again?

[Skog]

The problem I’m having is I’m a chronic over thinker, & since I have a conscious..I’m feeling guilty for what I DID do wrong.

This was the worst part for me, I too made mistakes that i feel bad for, but she won't even acknowledge that she was falable herself- she wouldn't say a thing was bad until days later, and had worked herself up into such a state that even trying to be concilatory yeilds only further anger- Upsetting the person you love, even by accident isn't somthing i want to do, but the sheer degree of it scares me, for what she's told me has already happened and will likely happen to her again because she can't communicate and refuses to see her wishywashyness as an issue.
I don't know if i really am the monster she makes me out to be and i'm just blind to it, or the mountain is infact a molehill

but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped
start with yourself, and when they are ready they can deal with things themsleves

[ahsim]

Thanks for sharing your story.  What happened before the "7 months" ?  You were coming out of another relationship?  And this current relationship started as soon as you started dating again?

I came out of another relationship yeah, a 10 month one where the girl was very cold. This new one started basically right away (typical.)
I had a lot of stuff going on during the last relationship like being graduated from uni so I decided to sort things out before being with anybody, plus I haven’t had many girlfriends so this was all new to me. with the new girl (last girl) it felt like my chance to finally trust someone & experience proper love.

My mind is reconciling with everything that happened. & the betrayal I’ve gone through. It honestly all feels so unfair rn. Sometimes I feel good & then the very next day I can’t stop thinking abt it although I do think abt it SOOOO much less, I am of course thinking about it again today though.

It sucks to know because she’s beautiful & funny, someone like me will come around again & shower her with love, whilst I have to keep suffering through either loneliness or horrible cruel women like damn wtf do I do wrong?

[ahsim]

This was the worst part for me, I too made mistakes that i feel bad for, but she won't even acknowledge that she was falable herself- she wouldn't say a thing was bad until days later, and had worked herself up into such a state that even trying to be concilatory yeilds only further anger- Upsetting the person you love, even by accident isn't somthing i want to do, but the sheer degree of it scares me, for what she's told me has already happened and will likely happen to her again because she can't communicate and refuses to see her wishywashyness as an issue.
I don't know if i really am the monster she makes me out to be and i'm just blind to it, or the mountain is infact a molehill

but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped
start with yourself, and when they are ready they can deal with things themsleves

Did u also find urself when alone, listing everything she did bad & being very resolute in that, only to let that all go as soon as you two talked again. Cuz she’d mention something you did & you of course recognise your issues so you try to improve. Then once the conversation is over here you are again having to prove that you’re good enough for her. That’s what it was like for me.
Sometimes she’d say “I know I did things wrong” but I realised that she never really listed these things. It was always me fully recognising my issues & trying my best to be better.

It’s so horrible to put someone through that all the time