Re: Discarded again Friday 3/29

[Wipedout]

Have been on/off with undiagnosed exwpd for the last two years. First time posting here by the way. I have the same story as so many on here. By the time I found places like bpdlovedones on reddit, books on bpd, I was already trauma bonded. I started off I would say a secure, confident, stable man which is what she told me she liked and how much different it was for her. I pushed aside the major headlines of her past I suppose because I got blinded in the idealization/honeymoon phase. Ok, long story short and you know the story. First cycle occurred, I was wildly confused at the devaluing and splitting and since the first cycle everything has continually gotten worse .The “good times” which arent good last shorter and shorter, the devaluing and splitting goes darker and darker. Each time I try to solve everything and apologize to her for her own behavior, and when I do this I lose respect for myself and so does she clearly. I believe the final discard was Friday. I cant seem to do the right thing. Intellectually I know no contact is the path. But I keep messing up and get sent to voicemail or a text doesnt get answered. Again, I KNOW this behavior is wrong and even making things worse but when I’m feeling good about having gone a day without doing it I decide to do it and I’m emotionally on day one again. Like so many others I’m in disbelief at how they can erase you. Everything I read on forums, every book I read, every video I watch suggests run for my life. That she and I never were sharing the same reality. This makes me want to throw up. What just happened the last two years? I’m a shell of what I used to be. I’m disoriented. Depressed. Shocked. Angry. I could NEVER really get through to her that I wouldn't leave or abandon.

What plan can I put in place right away to protect myself from myself?

[Pook075]

What plan can I put in place right away to protect myself from myself?

Hello WipedOut and welcome, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  As you said, everyone here has been through a similar situation and it is not fun at all.

First off, you posted in the "detaching" forum.  Here you'll get advice for moving on and letting go.  For the "Conflicted" board, you'll get advice on fixing things or walking away.  And on the "bettering" boards, you'll receive advice on steps to take that could potentially fix your relationship.

I understand why you posted in "detaching" with this being so fresh and painful.  And since she's avoiding you, it may feel like your only option.  But that's her decision (for now) and we're not worried about her (for now).  We're worried about you and what you want.

I completely understand what you're going through because I was there less than two years ago.  The pain and confusion was all-encompassing at first.  It made no sense at all.  So I'm going to tell you a few things that I wished that I had listened to back then.  Please take a moment and read these a few times to let them sink in:

1) She is sick with a serious mental illness and that's not her fault.  It's sad, it's unfair, but it's just not her fault for thinking differently or being highly afraid of abandonment.  She's not a bad person and she's not doing this to hurt you.  Instead, she's doing this out of self preservation because her mind is working against her.

2)  This is absolutely not your fault and no matter what you did over the past two years, the odds were very high that you'd end up here eventually.  She's gone through this her entire life with broken relationship after broken relationship.  It's not on you at all and you need to let the guilt, desperation, and feelings of betrayal go.  This happened because she's sick.

3)  What you do to get past this is find yourself again...the "you" before this relationship.  That means get in shape by eating well and exercising.  That means visiting friends and family, picking up old hobbies, or starting new ones.  In short, get busy with life.

4)  You need to schedule a therapy session just to talk this out.  At this moment, you're dealing with mental health problems due to a major life event with genuine trauma.  That's completely normal and we've all been there (or are there).  Get some help and talk this out.

When you're ready, we can talk things out further and help you figure out what forum group we should be talking in.  Again, I'm very sorry for what you're going through- it's horrible.  But you are going to be okay in time.

[Wipedout]

I’m ready tell me what forum I should be in. I have to call myself out on this. I know where she will be in an hour and I’m tempted to go try and talk to her even though I know its a mistake.

[kells76]

I know where she will be in an hour and I’m tempted to go try and talk to her even though I know its a mistake.

What do you hope would happen, ideally, if you were to choose that?

Compared to past history, does it seem likely, unlikely, other?

[Wipedout]

She will tell me to leave for sure. Ideally I would like her to say yes to going to therapy but its not going to happen. I feel totally stuck in in a trauma bond and feel my ability to make sound/logical/intelligent choices has almost vanished. I have never been this way, I imagine its what the very height of a drug addiction is where they are snorting lint of the floor hoping to get a trace of something long gone.

[Wipedout]

I saw her and handed her a letter. I have read everywhere its pointless to do the last letter thing but I did it. Do I feel worse? No. Do I feel better? No. I feel slightly more ready to move fwd though.

[Wipedout]

As told to me by everyone, a letter like this will just make things worse. And yep, it did. I can post it at some other point but to sum up I said I did everything I could and talked about how the cycles got worse and worse and lets please go to therapy. Nope, a great big “do not contact me again”.

So, I’m a few hours into NC and the healing journey will begin now.

[kells76]

Wow, a lot has happened in a pretty short time.

What would you want moving forward and healing to look like?

And do you have a therapist or counselor yet? (I've needed at minimum an individual T, and sometimes a marriage counselor [my H does not have BPD but his kids' mom has many traits], to make it through).

[Pook075]

As told to me by everyone, a letter like this will just make things worse. And yep, it did. I can post it at some other point but to sum up I said I did everything I could and talked about how the cycles got worse and worse and lets please go to therapy. Nope, a great big “do not contact me again”.

So, I’m a few hours into NC and the healing journey will begin now.

When I mentioned therapy, I meant for you at this stage to help your healing process.  It's such a huge help to talk things out with someone local, in person.  Have you considered that?

[Wipedout]

Yes I have a therapist who I just started going to again. She is actually referring me to a specialist in bpd at ucla. Hopefully they can make room for me. At the moment it feels for sure like the worst discard yet. So, if this were to get worse and worse then at least its done. I have been robbed of so much its mindblowing. Its as if they slowly take everything about you while you are scrambling to meet their goal post needs, then they are standing above you and they walk away with all your parts and spit on you. So I will rebuild, and who knows who I will be because a lot of me is gone.

[iquanablood]

I’m at one month today.  It is easier but not easy.  I too feel like I was stripped to my core, gutted and splayed across her oh so beautiful hood.  I think the points listed by Pook075 are absolutely spot on.  Sorry don’t know how to do the cut and paste thing. 

All I can say is get ready to dig deep into yourself.  Get ready to learn some things, survive.  I live on the coast in Mexico and when Hurricane Wilma was headed this way in 2005, an old man who lived here said to me, “It’s a rotten deal, but there’s not much we can do about it.”  Kind of the same thing here, the storm is bad, but the aftermath is the part that you really live through.  That’s when you dig in and go to work.

“I kissed behind the howling beast
 On the borderline which separated you from me
 You’ll never know the hurt I suffered
 Nor the pain I rise above”
Idiot Wind,  Bob Dylan

Thanks Bob, couldn’t do it without you.

[Wipedout]

Right on, right on...thanks iquanablood

I’m at one month today.  It is easier but not easy.  I too feel like I was stripped to my core, gutted and splayed across her oh so beautiful hood.  I think the points listed by Pook075 are absolutely spot on.  Sorry don’t know how to do the cut and paste thing. 

All I can say is get ready to dig deep into yourself.  Get ready to learn some things, survive.  I live on the coast in Mexico and when Hurricane Wilma was headed this way in 2005, an old man who lived here said to me, “It’s a rotten deal, but there’s not much we can do about it.”  Kind of the same thing here, the storm is bad, but the aftermath is the part that you really live through.  That’s when you dig in and go to work.

“I kissed behind the howling beast
 On the borderline which separated you from me
 You’ll never know the hurt I suffered
 Nor the pain I rise above”
Idiot Wind,  Bob Dylan

Thanks Bob, couldn’t do it without you.

[Wipedout]

Wow, a lot has happened in a pretty short time.

What would you want moving forward and healing to look like?

And do you have a therapist or counselor yet? (I've needed at minimum an individual T, and sometimes a marriage counselor [my H does not have BPD but his kids' mom has many traits], to make it through).

What would I like healing to look like? Hmm, I suppose I would want someone to walk me through it. Really face it. Not dodge anything. I would like them to steer me away from talking about my ex and all the hows and whys to simply figuring out what I can do about myself. Thats what I would like it to look like. Intellectually, I can say these things but if she came up behind me right now I would probably hug her and pretend she hasnt abused me non-stop..So its tricky trying to lead with the logical which is ironic because I could never get her to see anything logical. Do we wind up taking on the behaviors and thoughts of a BPD brain towards ourselves at the end?

[iquanablood]

On another tread, schwing wrote:

“I think what we experience at the ending of a relationship with a pwBPD, is actually a kind of simulacrum of the trauma they experienced in their childhood.”

That sent chills up and down my spine.  And it might explain our own feelings of helplessness.  I cannot imagine a child hurting like this.  I absolutely do believe that we begin to take on their behaviors during the relationship.  I don’t know why or how.

I’m struggling with trying to separate the child from the demon, and sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for demonizing her, I know she is ill.   Now I feel like I’m betraying the child, but I’m free.  It’s a vicious mental cycle and logic has nothing to do with it.

One more cup of coffee for the road…….

[Pook075]

What would I like healing to look like? Hmm, I suppose I would want...

Here's the thing, that's not necessarily how healing works, especially when it comes to trauma.

To quote Donkey from the movie Shrek, we all have layers like an onion.  Working through something traumatic is peeling back those layers and healing from them, often one at a time.  Your mindset and willingness to let go/heal play a factor in timelines and we all go at a different pace.  This could take weeks, months, or years, depending on you.

I gave you the first layer right up front, the first truth you'll eventually have to accept.  She's sick and this wasn't personal...this is about her and a serious mental health problem.  Without being an expert in BPD and communication, this was very likely to happen no matter what. 

The first layer is so incredibly simple- this wasn't your fault and there's nothing you could have fixed.

[once removed]

I suppose I would want someone to walk me through it. Really face it. Not dodge anything. I would like them to steer me away from talking about my ex and all the hows and whys to simply figuring out what I can do about myself.

these are good goals in recovery.

the first step, i think, is to stop the bleeding; dont make things worse.

if youre actively doing this, and know it, youve just gotta pull together and stop; theres no way around it. how you handle the aftermath of the relationship will matter to you, even long after the pain is gone, so keep your eyes on the prize. even in the short term, you dont want to throw your self esteem any further under the bus.

my earliest days (and even months) of recovery looked a lot like white knuckling. just surviving, getting through the days any way i could. of course, there are constructive ways and destructive ways of doing that, and you obviously want to do more of the former than the latter. time will not heal your wounds, but enough of it will dull the pain, so, as much as possible, maintaining a sense of normalcy and routine can help you better function. carve out time for emotional processing and support, like posting here, journaling, crying, punching a pillow, whatever. but try, as much as youre able, to also pour yourself into quality time with friends and family, and the things you love. one thing that was recommended to me was to try developing new skills or hobbies. these build confidence. and they help take your mind off of things. and of course, maintaining a general routine, wake up/work/sleep stuff goes a very long way.

one thing that i had faith in, and reminded myself of from the beginning was: i would recover from this, eventually, and i would be even stronger than i was before. trust it to the point that you take it for granted, and work toward it, even when it feels like it isnt "working". i think often times, we see the effects of healing in hindsight; hey, a whole month has passed and i made it! hey, its been three months, and things may suck, but i dont feel as badly as i do in that first week. that sort of thing.

and also know that you wont be able to process all of this right away. the psyche tends to set things aside that it cant yet face. so, even as you heal, you may have realizations, some of them painful, some of them encouraging, all of them growth. lean into them. its how you avoid getting stuck in your grief. but also anticipate them, they can blindside you.

trust that your narrative of this relationship and its ending is likely to change and evolve a great deal over time. mine looked a little different every time i came back to it. today, my narrative of my relationship looks nothing like my posts at the time would have had you believe. its important to revisit, as you heal, and learn the lessons you want to (eventually) take into future relationships.

if the pain is too great, recognize that it may do you well to see a doctor (or talk to your therapist) for a meds evaluation. 80% of members arrive here depressed. i didnt have great coping skills when i arrived...thats one of the things that helped me the most when i was at my lowest, and i still have that today, to show for it.

and certainly, its wise, as youre able, and as much as youre able, to turn the focus on yourself. generally speaking, we all brought significant baggage into these relationships that played a material part in how our relationships evolved, broke down, and how we struggled in the aftermath, that dont disappear once our exes are gone. we have wounds to tend from our relationships, but its about us now.

lastly, hang in there. it gets better. it may help, when youre ready, to share more about the specifics of your relationship, and what youve been through.

[Wipedout]

Checking back in. Ok, I’ve made every mistake possible. Reaching out, getting burned. I’m now two days no contact but I tried to call yesterday. So call me out if that means a reset.

I have read so much about this at this point. Watched so many videos. I’m even watching narcissism videos because of the similarities. Its clear I have developed two major issues to deal with. Codependency and a trauma bond. I think I’m finally at the point of asking why she did what she did and will turn the spotlight on me now.” Radical acceptance” seems to be my best bet because I’m a total mess emotionally. Totally wrecked. I have to save myself now. I have to.

Questions for group:

I have major irrational fear of going no contact even though intellectually I know its right. My current distorted thoughts are
—she will forget about me because of object constancy(and yes I know she already doesnt care about me so this is something that makes no sense but its real to me the same way nonsense is real to them.)
Do I block her on all social platforms and delete all pictures and block her number? Honestly, did you?

[Wipedout]

Also, forgive me if this is against forum rules. If anyone here is in Los Angeles please email me. Would love to know the support groups here.

[Pook075]

I have read so much about this at this point. Watched so many videos. I’m even watching narcissism videos because of the similarities.

Hey Wipedout.  A word of caution.  So many of the videos on YouTube are about getting clicks and not actual advice.  Be very careful going down that path since so many of those videos focus on how BPDs are bad people, etc.  That's not helpful or productive for someone in your current situation.

I have major irrational fear of going no contact even though intellectually I know its right. My current distorted thoughts are she will forget about me because of object constancy

BPDs don't forget, they're notorious for remembering because that's what tortures them.  They blame non-BPDs because they feel so much guilt and shame; it's the only way they can cope.  That's ultimately why you're going through this- not because of what you did/didn't do, but what her mind is telling her in a disordered state.

No contact:

- Focuses on your personal healing
- Gives her time to process what happened
- Doesn't chase her away by smothering her
- Gives you time to see this objectively

Right now, no matter what happens with the relationship, you have to focus on yourself and take some time to heal.

Do I block her on all social platforms and delete all pictures and block her number? Honestly, did you?

I personally didn't block or delete, but my ex unfriended me after a few weeks apart.  That's fairly common w/ BPD.  The choice is ultimately up to you though what you want to do.

[Turkish]

Also, forgive me if this is against forum rules. If anyone here is in Los Angeles please email me. Would love to know the support groups here.

You would do well to connect with your local NAMMI chapter.

https://namiglac.org/

[Wipedout]

Day 2 NC. Blocked her on phone and all social platforms. Not looking back. Like sharks we keep moving or die. Going fwd now. Diving headfirst into recovery.

[once removed]

what happened that led to the breakup?

[Wipedout]

When, this last discard? To be honest, nothing at all unique. Calling her out on something she did that would be totally disrespectful to any normal human. So, thats it. If I EVER said how I was hurt by her, I would get discarded within a few hours.

Day 3 NC

what happened that led to the breakup?

[Wipedout]

Day 4 NC….I really want to call…ugh…this sucks. The trauma bond is real folks. It is NO joke. Exactly like a drug. I KNOW it would be terrible to call, I know how the story ends and yet I still want to call. Totally insane. Hopefully this stops me.

When, this last discard? To be honest, nothing at all unique. Calling her out on something she did that would be totally disrespectful to any normal human. So, thats it. If I EVER said how I was hurt by her, I would get discarded within a few hours.

Day 3 NC

[once removed]

Calling her out on something...  If I EVER said how I was hurt by her, I would get discarded within a few hours.

you havent said very much about the relationship or what went down. it might help to share a bit more when youre ready; it helps to talk, and it can help us better understand what youre going through.

[Wipedout]

Sorry, sparing the specifics in case she is lurking. Will write more later.

you havent said very much about the relationship or what went down. it might help to share a bit more when youre ready; it helps to talk, and it can help us better understand what youre going through.

[Turkish]

Sorry, sparing the specifics in case she is lurking. Will write more later.

Wipedout, we look forward to hearing more so we can support you better.

In my decade here, the only way I've seen members found is if they tell their SO's "I'm getting support at BPDFamily," or left open devices in the same household. Even then, it's been less that what can be counted on one hand. You're safe here 

For what it's worth, I thought the same thing when I first landed here. The emotional stress of these relationships is real.

[ThanksForPlaying]

As Turkish says, pwBPD aren't really interested in finding out more about BPD. They don't want to read these forums because that requires self-reflection. Even if they did find this forum, that wouldn't necessarily make things any worse at this point, right?

Having said that, I understand not wanting to post specific details. Post what you feel comfortable posting.

[SinisterComplex]

Sorry, sparing the specifics in case she is lurking. Will write more later.

Why do you feel she is lurking? I will say that unless you are going out of your way to expose your posting here you should feel free and safe here. Share your story...let the community works it magic and help you heal my friend.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-