my dad didnt have bpd, but he tended to behave similarly when he was under stress, particularly if he had lost something. in one case, he might start insulting himself. in another, he might tear up the house and fume about no one helping him.
my mom tended to cope with it by trying to manage things for him. by encouraging various strategies, like organizational ones, or by encouraging mental health treatment, etc. he rejected all of them, or worked around them.
the dynamic was such that often he was often both overly dependent upon, and resentful of her help.
i see a little bit of that trap here.
people with bpd traits just dont do stress well. and they tend to cope with it in disorganized, and chaotic ways. by and large, that doesnt change (sometimes, people with bpd traits do better with stress with age) and efforts to change it tend to meet resistance, and/or resentment.
beyond that, they have deep fears and insecurities. being, or being seen as, incompetent may be one, especially for men.
i think that in terms of big picture, its important not to fall into the trap of managing or "taking care" of him. youll find him rejecting it, feeling resentful of it, and you feeling rejected and disrespected.
that is
not to say "never try to help". but lots of people are sensitive about the ways in which we give and receive help. me, for example, its a huge pet peeve when im hunting for something, and someone asks me "what are you looking for?" because now i have to stop my hunt and tell them
from their end, theyre just trying to help!
so, one thing i like to do is just ask "how can i help?". and if that offer is rejected, not to take it personally, but to let that person manage themselves, in the manner they choose. if that manner causes me stress, i try to get out of the way of it.
I also know that he won't see the destruction he leaves by doing it.
he probably does, more than you may think, and it probably adds to his insecurities, rather than it pushing him to change. the more you push, the more likely he is to get defensive.
sometimes difficult people compensate or apologize for their...difficulty, by being a little "extra" in a certain area. my dad, for example, wasnt always great at being emotionally supportive, so instead hed show it by cooking. it wasnt obvious, but it was real. keep an eye open for that.
i personally wouldnt bring up the incident. he may, or he may want to skip past it. assuming that he doesnt, i would focus more on what to do, or not to do, next time.
this book is full of great explanations, and strategies:
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist
