VALIDATION

[Flower1]

hi,

I think I don't understand what valid means. does approving a decision mean validating it?
1- suppose he tells me he's going to do something and I tell him it's a good thing, that it's a good initiative? shouldn't I say that?
2- he seems happy to talk to me, then he tells me he's busy and will be in the next few days, and i reply that he's not worried, that i'll be busy too, and he coldly says one word back. i remembered afterwards that when i told him to have a good time, he'd come back the next few days and tell me that i'm angry (which i'm not).

concretely what does it mean to validate someone I find it quite difficult. Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

hi,

I think I don't understand what valid means. does approving a decision mean validating it?
1- suppose he tells me he's going to do something and I tell him it's a good thing, that it's a good initiative? shouldn't I say that?
2- he seems happy to talk to me, then he tells me he's busy and will be in the next few days, and i reply that he's not worried, that i'll be busy too, and he coldly says one word back. i remembered afterwards that when i told him to have a good time, he'd come back the next few days and tell me that i'm angry (which i'm not).

concretely what does it mean to validate someone I find it quite difficult. Thank you

Hi- great question!

Validation refers to other people's feelings of love and self-worth.  It's not about what they say as much as it is ensuring that they feel heard and respected.

For instance, I can remember taking my BPD daughter to the ER after one of her many meltdowns as a late teen.  She was suicidal and just couldn't handle life, so her emotions were all over the place all at once.  At one point, she threw herself to the ground crying hysterically and just rolling around in the dirt, punching the ground and wanting to fight anyone near her.  She didn't know what she wanted or needed- it was BAD.

Anyway, we dialed 9-1-1 and they took her to the hospital.  The charge nurse looked at her, walked out of the room and said, "Another one that's just here for attention to waste hospital resources.  There's nothing wrong with her."

Almost immediately, my kid went into a rage and said, "I'm going to kill her."  They had to restrain her to the bed because she wasn't bluffing.  It was BAD BAD.

Here's where the validation comes in.  I obviously didn't agree with my kid- the nurse was very wrong and possibly should have been fired, but the answer was not to attack her.  I validated her anger and rage though because the nurse was way out of line, she did dismiss my sick kid, and I could only imagine how that would make me feel.  So I validated her emotions...not her criminal intent.

Over the next several minutes, I talked all of that out...calmly, slowly, and with intention.  Yes, she was very wrong.  Yes, she's not a good person and shouldn't be helping psych patients.  Yes, your anger towards her is justified, I'm furious as well.  But I spoke that barely above a whisper, without an ounce of anger in my voice.  Because this wasn't the time to be thinking about vengeance, it was a time to calm down and let it go in the moment.

Does that make sense?

Now, if a BPD person says they want to get help, it would be easy to say, "Yes, you should do that immediately!"  But that can come across as invalidating, even when we agree with them.  So it's never purely about their words as much as it is the emotions behind those words.

I hope that helps.

[Flower1]

thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me:)!

[Pook075]

thank you so much for taking the time to explain it to me:)!

No problem at all, just let us know how we can help.  Again, welcome to the family!

[Flower1]

hello,

So after contact back I found myself with somewhat unusual exchanges. I thought that we should not talk about negative things that happened in the past, but I have the impression that he has returned to resentment, especially when talking about the pleasant or joyful moments that I mentioned.
I was wondering should I ask him if he is angry with me?
What do the emoticons he writes or the fact that he omits certain nick names mean?
Is it a good thing that I wished him in the face of a certain activity, determination in the more difficult part and happiness in the easier part? THANKS

[Flower1]

or again, by the emoticons that seem "happy" is it good to reply I'm happy to know you're happy? (I can't tell since it's a text message) I'm asking this question because I'm confused by his emoticons

[kells76]

Hi Flower1;

So after contact back I found myself with somewhat unusual exchanges. I thought that we should not talk about negative things that happened in the past, but I have the impression that he has returned to resentment, especially when talking about the pleasant or joyful moments that I mentioned.

Are these text conversations, or phone, or in person, or...?

I was wondering should I ask him if he is angry with me?

What would be your goal (maybe the "best case scenario"), if you asked him if he is angry with you?

What do you think is most likely to happen?

Are those the same or different?

What do the emoticons he writes or the fact that he omits certain nick names mean?

I've mentioned recently how I can tend to overanalyze actions and interactions, hoping for a crumb of a clue to "figure out what it means". So, I get asking that question.

If BPD (or any PD) is involved, then while his actions may mean something to him -- he may have done them for some reason -- it is possible that we will never know the meaning or purpose of those choices, and that the meaning or purpose would not make much sense to us.

If BPD is involved, then we can know that he may struggle with harmfully intense, wildly varying emotions, that he has few skills to manage. His life's focus may be on managing his excruciating feelings in every moment by saying or doing whatever seems like it will bring him relief.

Why those things would bring him relief may not make sense, but that's the closest I can speculate -- he might be doing and saying things that are almost completely focused on his own inner emotions.

Is it a good thing that I wished him in the face of a certain activity, determination in the more difficult part and happiness in the easier part? THANKS

Can you tell me more about this interaction? Maybe write it out as a dialogue:

Him: blah blah blah

You: I hope you can stick it out through the difficult parts, and that the easier stuff will bring you happiness

Him: blah blah blah

That can help us understand more about whether your well-wishes were effective/constructive in the way you'd hoped.

Communicating with a pwBPD is often unintuitive, so sometimes our best efforts at being supportive can be inadvertently invalidating. Not an easy skill to learn, but very worth it