I dont know if I have what it takes...

[Jono]

Hi

My Fiance and I have been together for a year and I have gone through all the steps outlined in the articles about being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. In the beginning there were planty red flags but I fell completely for the push and pull, being overly loved and put on a pedastal, and then being left at the drop of a hat etc.

I have suffered real damage through this, not understanding gaslighting, projection and the fact that you are arguing with a child who cant live in a world where she is wrong. I didnt know any of this and thought she was just bad or something, or that I was the problem. I am also seeing a Psychologist now. I cook, clean and do absolutely everything for her but get very little back (which I now understand from reading about BPD).

In the beginning, I thought it was the alcohol as she was drinking everyday and couldnt stop at a few, making huge drama and chaos in my life. But we connected deeply and I love her with all my heart. I didnt know the effects of mental illness or that it was the core of her behavious, the drinking was a symtom. She decided after 8 months to stop drinking as she feared losing me. She was so much better until deciding to also go off her meds 2 weeks after moving in with me. That with the individuisation was too much and in a meeting with councillors from church she had a panic attack and had to be hospitalised for 21 days, this is the third time in her life in an institution (and 2 suicide attempts), previously also over being abandoned (or seeing it that way after her actions caused it). She went to a really good facility and was this time diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar. She is 44 and took it seriously, even though she did get in some trouble for behaviour. She has kept down a job at one place for 20 years.

From 3 days after going off meds (2 weeks after moving in), she has just been so harsh and nasty to be, blaming me even for the breakdown. She learnt alot and accepted for the first time that she is an alcoholic, did her life story, we had family meeting and she even booked relationship councilling. The diagnosis really scares her I think and she still doesnt fully want to accept it.

I have been to hell and back with her, from betrayal to ridicule, thinking Im crazy etc, but i believe that we do love each other. She accepts her wrongs at times and at other times not. Unfortunately I also have a fear of rejection, being threatened to leave constantly has done damage to me. But now I understand where her behaviour comes from and why (was molested by step dad and step brothers as a child and was told she is lying). I know what being the 'emotional caretaker' now entails and want to be it for her but fear being strong enough. Until now I am terrible with boundaries in my life, have trust problems also and probably also some Bipolar. I really dont know what to do as it has been very difficult her first week out of the clinic. I know it takes 6 weeks for meds to work etc so I do need to let the process take its course but how do i know if I need to leave. I love her so deeply.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Jono and , we're really glad you found us.

Bipolar + BPD + substance abuse sounds like an extremely difficult combination. It's good to hear that your W was willing to get sober.

As unexpected as it may sound, I've heard similar stories to yours on the boards here. You're not the only member who has coped with a spouse with BPD + bipolar, suicide attempts, psych hospitalizations, breakdowns, and meds issues.

It won't be an easy road -- but you can learn new tools, skills, and approaches here, that can help you improve the livability of your life, on your side of things. Sometimes that can help make the relationship livable, too.

Working on yourself is the part of the equation that's 100% under your control, no matter what your W chooses. You mention knowing that you've struggled with healthy boundaries in the past. Take a look at our workshop on boundaries and values, and let us know what stood out to you.

...

Do you have any kids together?

Have you gotten any assessment, diagnosis, or meds for bipolar on your end?

Fill us in, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Jono]

Thanks so much

I really appreciate it. We dont have kids together but my 11 year old daughter lives with us and her 14 year old son also visits. She has a daughter, 19, who hasnt really spoken to her much in the last 4 years or so...

I am going to see a Psychiastrist beginning of May for a diagnosis and possible meds.

Really appreciate the reply