New diagnosis of my 23 yo son

[Karatelife]

Although not surprised by diagnosis I am now trying to figure how to navigate moving forward
Our adult son still lives at home and I am unsure how to be empathetic but still hold boundaries such as having a job etc

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Karatelife
Welcome to the group. You mention that your son's diagnosis is recent - but I am sure you have been through many challenging times as you moved to that point in time.

The diagnosis does clarify things - explains what can look like random unacceptable behaviours and attitudes that can be part of a chaotic life. It can be chaotic for all involved.

You don't mention how things have been up until now. Does ds refuse to find work? Has he had jobs but loses them easily? How is it at home? What boundaries do you have in place and are they respected.

BPD varies from person to person both in the group of symptoms that the individual exhibits, and the ability of the individual to function within the 'normal' range of social activities. Some have high powered jobs but are unable to form meaningful relationships.

Coming to this site I am sure will help you in many ways. You can see that you are not alone - there are people out there that know exactly what the journey with a BPD child is like. There is the opportunity to learn skills - this can make a huge difference to the way you are able to relate to your bpd child.

I hope you will feel supported here, and that you will come here when you find yourself trying to work out how to deal with a situation. In the long run only the individual will know what is best, but being able to explore ideas of others can help us work out what is best for our situation.

[Pook075]

Although not surprised by diagnosis I am now trying to figure how to navigate moving forward
Our adult son still lives at home and I am unsure how to be empathetic but still hold boundaries such as having a job etc

Hi Karate and welcome!  I'm very sorry you're going through this but a diagnosis is certainly a good step in the right direction.

Being empathetic and placing boundaries are two different things that sort of work together for the good of your child.  The boundaries are the rules every child is required to follow- if you don't clean your room, you don't get ice cream after dinner.  If you yell at your parents, you're going to be grounded for the weekend.  That sort of stuff. 

But with BPD in the mix, the boundaries tend to work differently because we're human and we love our kids.  So we say no ice cream after dinner if you don't clean your room, the kid refuses to clean, gives 153 reasons why its your fault, and then we give them ice cream just to shut them up.  Because of mental illness, they develop a learned behavior that manipulation and rebellion produces the same results as doing the right thing...so why try at all?

The problem is that when this happens at earlier stages, the rebellion becomes entitlement...you've always given in before, so you'll give in now because you owe me!  That's where you're at now.  You were a good parent, tried to love your kid and do the right thing, and to avoid conflict the boundaries were always shifting based on behavior.  I did this...every parent here did this...because we believed that love would conquer all.  In this case though, it unfortunately doesn't.

Boundaries at 23 aren't necessarily about ice cream after dinner...they're about what we'd expect out of a 23 year old adult.  If he's not working and contributing, then a fair boundary would be to help extensively around the house- cut the lawn, do the dishes, take out all the trash, clean the house, etc.  Or he can get a job...or he can move out.  That's three fair options for a 23 year old and he can choose whatever makes him happy.

The same can be said for how he treats family.  What's acceptable at 23 and what's not?  He needs to learn these lessons in order to lessen the effects of mental illness.  Structure and routine are good for him, it provides stability.

The empathy you mentioned relates to his feelings.  If he's sad, cheer him up.  If he's angry, calm him down.  If he wants to talk something out, then listen.  But we don't say, "You don't have to work this month because you're sad today."  Being there for him does not mean we throw away the boundaries that all of us have to live by...it makes those boundaries all the more important for him to have a successful life.

Make sense?

[Sancho]

I'm just mulling of the idea of 'boundaries' - mainly because if we set boundaries for others we need to work out what do we do if the boundary is broken? So for example if you make it a condition of ds living there that he gets a job, are you prepared to ask him to move out if he doesn't?

This perplexed me for a long time because my dd could not/can not be confined by boundaries. This meant that I had to be prepared for her to be living on the street if I made a boundary and she broke it.

I think I liked thinking about setting boundaries - it made me feel more as if I was in control - but it didn't work.

Then I read here a post that defined a 'boundary' as something I need - rather than something dd has to do. It was an enormous relief to have this perspective. I put this in my kit bag of tools that I have learnt from here and, even though we are in the same house and it can be really really rough at times, I feel so much freer.  I don't have to JADE - judge, argue, discuss or explain - I recognise I can't really understand what it's like for my dd, but I can put some boundaries around what my needs are.

There is a famous book called 'Dibs in search of self' which I read many years ago. It's a therapy whereby the therapist is just 'there' while a small boy plays and eventually gets to understand himself and the core problems. I can't put myself in my dd's shoes, I'm just here and I give her a safe place to come to when she is in danger or distraught etc.

There is so much here from people who know what this journey is like. I hope you find the answers that fit your situation and experience.

[Pook075]

I'm just mulling of the idea of 'boundaries' - mainly because if we set boundaries for others we need to work out what do we do if the boundary is broken? So for example if you make it a condition of ds living there that he gets a job, are you prepared to ask him to move out if he doesn't?

This perplexed me for a long time because my dd could not/can not be confined by boundaries. This meant that I had to be prepared for her to be living on the street if I made a boundary and she broke it.

I think I liked thinking about setting boundaries - it made me feel more as if I was in control - but it didn't work.

Here's the thing- boundaries are for you.  If someone is crossing that boundary and you call them on it, the odds are pretty good that they won't profusely apologize and go out of their way to make things right.

So initially, your boundaries are going to make things worse by default.

But at the same time, you have to ask yourself- what do I need to feel safe, secure, and happy?

If someone is continually crossing your boundaries, that's not okay and it takes a toll on you.  Confrontation is never fun, but the only way something can get better is by stating what matters and what you will/won't tolerate.  The other person might get mad...but you've been mad/sad/whatever and they're clueless about that (or they don't care).  So you have to choose- make that confrontation and defend your own values, or continue to let someone take advantage of you.

I said boundaries are for you, but they're also for the other person as well when it comes to mental illness. They probably don't realize that they're crossing a line and they need that realization in their life that it's not okay. So even though it could make things worse short term, it provides a path for healing and a better relationship long-term.

Throwing my kid out of the house at age 19 was the best thing I could have done for her mental health.  Sure, she spiraled and she hated me for a period of time, but ultimately it put her on a path to change.  I'm glad I did it and I would do it again if necessary.  The main reason though was for me, it did wonders for my mental health and wellbeing by having some space and not being caught up in that 24/7 drama.