Birthday Advice

[Parents! Get help here!]

Dear Community. I need your sage advice. Here's what is going on. My UD17's (pwBPD) birthday is in three days. To gift or not to gift, that is the question.

Backstory
UD17 has not spoken to me in 15 months. By not speaking to me I mean:
1. She won't look at me
2. She won't be in the same room
3. She will hide if I walk down the hall
4. If I speak she covers her ears

I gave her a simple basket at Easter (a few candies and one toy). I didn't like how that gift felt. She tore open the basket, took the loot, and ran away. It looked like an actual rabbit opened the basket. I let it go.

She didn't read the card. H read it to her and she said "I don't care about that, I just want the stuff." Upon reflection, I wonder if I bought her the basket with the wrong intentions. Did I buy it because I wanted her to reconcile with me? That would have been the wrong reason. If I bought it so she could have fun, well, she liked the stuff so it should be good enough.

What going through my mind:
1. Unconditional love
2. Why give things to someone who hates me
3. Don't give things with strings attached
4. Give with the right motive
5. BPD is so hard because I always feel villainized
6. Why should I give her something when she hasn't done anything to deserve it
7. Going to therapy is something that deserves praise
8. She can be demanding, supposedly she has a list of all the things she wants to buy for her birthday
9. She's just a kid of course she wants things for her birthday
10. Only cash no card but what is a reasonable amount of cash

Thanks in advance for any of your input.

[Maggie EF]

Dear Community. I need your sage advice. Here's what is going on. My UD17's (pwBPD) birthday is in three days. To gift or not to gift, that is the question.

Backstory
UD17 has not spoken to me in 15 months. By not speaking to me I mean:
1. She won't look at me
2. She won't be in the same room
3. She will hide if I walk down the hall
4. If I speak she covers her ears

I gave her a simple basket at Easter (a few candies and one toy). I didn't like how that gift felt. She tore open the basket, took the loot, and ran away. It looked like an actual rabbit opened the basket. I let it go.

She didn't read the card. H read it to her and she said "I don't care about that, I just want the stuff." Upon reflection, I wonder if I bought her the basket with the wrong intentions. Did I buy it because I wanted her to reconcile with me? That would have been the wrong reason. If I bought it so she could have fun, well, she liked the stuff so it should be good enough.

What going through my mind:
1. Unconditional love
2. Why give things to someone who hates me
3. Don't give things with strings attached
4. Give with the right motive
5. BPD is so hard because I always feel villainized
6. Why should I give her something when she hasn't done anything to deserve it
7. Going to therapy is something that deserves praise
8. She can be demanding, supposedly she has a list of all the things she wants to buy for her birthday
9. She's just a kid of course she wants things for her birthday
10. Only cash no card but what is a reasonable amount of cash

Thanks in advance for any of your input.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Maggie EF]

My uD17 (pwBPD) and D35 got together to compare hate notes. D35 walked away triggered because of unresolved issues she is harboring as a result of my parenting. The thing that got me was the intensity that D35 expressed. I walked away from the conversation very hurt because I wanted to have a nice lunch with D35 and instead felt overwhelmed, surprised, shocked, let down, humiliated, frustrated, distant, criticized, disrespected, resentful, disappointed, hurt, and angry.

D35 accused me of all sorts of things. I apologized as best I could. I said "I am sorry that you felt that way and it was not okay for me to do those things to you when you were little. I don't act like that anymore." D35 would not stop. Also, I've apologized for those things before.

Does it ever end?
Why do kids come with half the story and fall all apart?
Most of what they are crying about is not accurate.
I could have sworn that part of the things that D35 was complaining about happened to me not her. I think she heard parts of my story and adopted them to herself. That was super weird.

Sometimes I wish I could go out and get a new family that would love me, then come back to these people and say "you see, I am a good person, you are all the crazy ones."

Thank you for listening.

[Sancho]

Hi Maggie EF
First of all I am really impressed with your list. Given the situation and what happened at Easter, I think you must be a very fair minded person to include all the things that you have in your list!

Then D35 unloads and walks away, not really able to listen to anything you said - and it sounds as though that conversation has been had quite a few times previously.

I first of all need to declare that I am my dd's 'target of blame'. In the early days I used to agonise about how I had caused things, what I should/could do to 'make it better'. As I came to understand BPD better I understood that this was part of the illness itself. It is very complex - and very sad!

I wonder if you have come across the 3C mantra here? I didn't cause this, I can't cure it, I can't control it.

No parent is perfect - some parents are better at it than others. The vast majority of parents act with good will and the best interests of their child/children in mind.

There are some parents who are bad at parenting - and their children do not develop BPD.

BPD is a complex illness and as the name suggests, the person can be on the 'border' of reality and psychosis at times. My DD comes out with all sorts of things that are just wrong. In her mind they are real though, but the facts are quite different.

I have found the most helpful thing for me - and my situation - is that I have learned to 'flick' my mind onto something else, away from dd - even though we are in the same house. I used to try to communicate, now I am focused on something else as dd comes and goes, and I respond if she speaks to me - my response is always brief.

I am not sure why but this makes a difference. My DD I think picks up on the fact that she is on my mind, or I am trying not to have her on my mind and this increases her 'blame' attitude and opens up the likelihood of verbal abuse.

So first of all then, I would say if you have another meeting with D35, uD17 etc or any time when they are in the 'blame' zone, just affirm the feelings and when you walk away tell yourself 'I did my best, that's all anyone can ask'.  Affirm yourself so that you don't spiral down into their narrative of who you are.

Re the birthday. By the time this comes I hope your dd 17 has cottoned on to that she is not on your mind all the time. How about a small gift, some money (how much depends on how much is usual in your home), a called out 'Happy Birthday xxx. have a great day' - and then you go off and do something for yourself.

No card - that just gives dd an opportunity to put you down. Show goodwill but also show that you are not hostage to her mood or her decision. You are living your life.

These are just some thoughts Others will have different ideas. You are the only one who can know what could/might help in your situation so these thoughts are just options for you to think about.

Congratulations on being such a self reflecting parent!

[BPDstinks]

hi!  i am very sorry you are going through this!  I wish I had some advice, however, I am, also seeking advice!  My 24 BPD daughter has not spoken to me, other than random texts, asking for things, for nearly a year....I have struggled with every single holiday (what to do, what not to do); with guidance from the group, I send a NEUTRAL (nothing "gushy" or emotional) and a gift card (except Thanksgiving) for Christmas (I cried all day) I mailed a card and left her gifts at my mothers (the only family member she is still speaking to) she ONLY just picked them up last week (not a peep) (i bought the exact same things I buy her every single year (Christmas jammies, underwear, etc.) and 3 "practical" gift cards....I did this, because I don't really know WHAT to do!  (my big fear (among others) is she will come back (when?) and say I did NOT try to celebrate with her...honestly, I don't know what is right or wrong at this point...I am just following advice and my "gut"!  I love your list (oh:  my situation is different, as my BPD has her own apartment (that I co-signed for...(slight moment of passive-aggressiveness!)

[Maggie EF]

Thank you for your response Sancho and BPD stinks. I love the 3C mantra. I might put it on a sticker to see it all the time. I love the idea of "focus on something else as BPD comes and goes." That resonates with me. I'll get an Amazon gift card and call out a happy birthday on my way out the door. Perfect and easy. Thanks for the help.

[Ourworld]

You got it Maggie, do not let her get over on you! Just carryon in your usual manner and be who you are. Do the things you enjoy doing and move on with your life. YOU ARE TRULY THE BIGGER PERSON HERE!
Hopefully someday maybe she’ll snap out of it and come to realize, but not today.

Do NOT feel guilty for anything, you did your best, there are no perfect parents. It’s just unfortunate that they came into this horrible disorder, but you don’t have the illness, so don’t EVER give in.

On one hand, you want to show that you love her and are happy she’s alive, but that does not mean that you have to let her walk all over you or make you feel guilty. She has issues, but that is NOT your fault!

[BPDstinks]

i posted last week about how sad & confused I was that my BPD daughter has reached out to my mother (her grandmother) color me very confused on this one, b/c BPD did everything possible to avoid my mother (my mother is cranky!) anyway, my mother said last week's visit was good (i AM thrilled to know this) however, offered that the only people she asked about were my granddaughter (who she ghosted) and our dog; sigh....fast forward, they are hanging out today (i admit....I am jealous but happy BPD is with someone) (but...overlying CONFUSED!) i am the same person i was last year...we did everything together

[Pook075]

Hey Maggie!

That's a really tough question and I don't think there's any "right" answers here.  I've personally decided to do whatever I want to do and not worry about how it's received.  I enjoy gift giving so I'll usually buy a gift, with no expectations whatsoever.  Or if things have been toxic recently, then I won't buy a gift...and I'm okay with that route as well.

Do what feels right in your heart and that's the correct decision.  Don't overthink it though, this isn't a big thing no matter what.

One thing I'll add; I would not buy expensive gifts because that will come with strings attached from your end.  Just something simple that easily fits within your budget works.

[kells76]

How did the birthday go? Hope there were some good moments in there.

[Maggie EF]

The birthday went great, thanks to advice from the group. I placed a gift on the floor by her room and walked away, saying, "Have a happy birthday."

I didn't feel bad at all. It was a little bit boring because I was alone the whole day, but it was better alone than arguing with a PWBPD.

 

[BPDstinks]

Hi! Happy it went "ok", though, I agree, it is so odd to have come to this point; our family WAS "big" on bdays, holidays; I, personally, feel like there is so much pressure on my non BPD, though we joke, she is a good egg, to which she says, I am the only egg, again, hoping all is better

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Maggie EF]

I enjoyed the parties too. At the same time, I don't want to look backward. I'm here now. I have a uD17 and in this reality the bday is me dropping a $bill on the floor and then going out to be alone somewhere. And, that is okay. I'm okay with it because:
1. uD17 is alive.
2. Getting help in a structured program.
3. High school is working with us (gave us a packet instead of dropping out)
4. Sometimes I hear her laugh.
5. Her sister is coming around a little bit more to help her.
6. She's eating.
7. She's going to bed on time and getting up for her program.
8. She made two new friends.

I don't mind if she hates me or if she doesn't want to speak to me. I'm over it. As long as she keeps moving forward. I love her. For me, my love for her means her before me.

I was upset at first but I'm getting better day by day. What's helping me:
1. I started a new therapist this week. It is really hard to find the right person.
2. I also got myself into couples therapy and a marriage group in our church that is turning out very therapeutic.
3. I have a daily bible study on youtube/facebook (I know that's weird but its working for me). The bible study is Heart Dive with Kanoe Gibson. Plus she has a facebook page where folks get together to talk about the daily study. Its super fun.
4. I also returned to church and have been going on Sunday, plus showing up to the extra things too.
5. I am planning a trip to Italy for next year.
6. I am reading the BPD books but I also have a few fun books too. I started a series by Sarah Maas. I hear her books are good.

And there's more too but I better get back to work. I enjoy talking to all of you. I'm not in here a lot but every once in a while I stop by to say hi.

 

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I resonate with your "put her before me"...I have said, "her not speaking is far better than the "alternative"!  and...I, too, decided to be grateful for what I have (which, I am very blessed) vs what I (temporarily?) do not have

[Maggie EF]

Love your post.

[kells76]

Hi Maggie EF;

Good to hear back from you. Parenting when BPD is involved is not for the faint of heart.

I appreciated your lists of why you can be OK today and what is helping you; they made me think about my own situation, where H's kids are very invested in some cultural and social interests/approaches that we don't share -- approaches that communicate to them "if Dad and kells76 don't think like you, they're your enemy -- they're not just different, but hurtful". There were also many years where the kids resisted spending time with us, called Mom's household their real family, said "Dad left us" (meaning the kids and Mom) instead of "Mom and Dad divorced", and many other difficult things. While (as far as I can tell) neither of them has BPD, their mom has many traits, and married someone with many NPD traits, so the kids have picked up on some disordered thinking.

I'll practice with your lists, and take inspiration from your entries to see if I have similar thoughts:

I can be OK with the reality of where the kids are at today because:
1. No matter what they say with their words, with their actions they spend time with us
2. SD18 does want to get counseling
3. SD16 replied to H's text to her on her birthday
4. SD16 is finally taking ownership of her education
5. SD18 tells us that things aren't good at Mom's, and doesn't "both-sides" it by trying to say our house is bad too
6. SD18 hasn't given in to guilt from Mom and will still go on a long trip next month
7. SD16 says she wants to do drastic, permanent things to her body, but hasn't yet

What helps me day by day is:
1. I am continuing with individual therapy
2. When marriage counseling got too overwhelming for me, my H agreed to keep seeing the MC for individual support
3. I have personal spiritual views that God is ultimately in control of the kids' lives; I don't have to try to control them
4. I have hobbies and interests that I have done since I was young, that I continue. I am me, an individual, no matter what other relationships I do or don't have
5. H and I are planning a camping trip soon (we really enjoy camping)
6. I let myself zone out and take breaks by reading fiction without pressure to remember the storyline

...

Thanks again for your reflections. Things can be difficult and at the same time you ground yourself with remembering some positives, and building a life that isn't centered on BPD. Hope you get some peaceful moments this weekend;

kells76