Co Parenting is not an option. Seeking advice

[Meandmytwins]

My ex wife has “Cluster B.”  We have a set of twins, who are now 12 yrs old.  We got divorced when the kids were 6.  I share joint custody, and we use a 2-2-5 custody plan.  My kids have struggled in her care.  Often late to school (despite living in walking distance), missed birthday parties or appointments, resistance to prioritizing their extracurricular activities (like soccer), failure to respond to coaches to confirm their attendance to games, and more.  This behavior has impacted their academic performance, self image and their feelings toward their Mother.  Now that they are older, they are starkly aware of the inadequacy of her support.  They describe a lack of emotional connection with her, and they wonder about her mental health and her ability to function.  They express they no longer want to spend time in her care and express frustration that she won’t prioritize their needs.
I am, for the first time, in the court system.  Which so far, has been disappointing.  As our newly appointed judge clearly didn’t even read the details of my Motion.  That’s another story, and still in process w the courts but I’m trying to shift the kids to my school district, adjust the parenting plan to ensure the kids are getting the consistent structure and support they deserve, and that I am able to provide them. 
In the meantime, my ex makes it virtually impossible to schedule summer camp, enroll the kids in soccer or lacrosse (their wishes) because, I suppose, she just doesn’t want to be bothered.  Since  I pretty much pay for everything, this is not a financial issue.  Nor is it a scheduling issue…she is “self employed “….although her business is barely more than a hobby and she has very significant flexibility in schedule. 
I have come to realize that there is nothing I can do to influence her behavior towards our kids.  She will not magically wake up one day and realize that she is not only hurting their development, but destroying her relationship w them.
It’s really hard to sit and watch my kids miss games, show up late, hear from parent coaches and coaches that they need to be on time while they are in their Mother’s care.
But I’m getting the strong feeling that while I am pursuing change through the courts, that I unfortunately need to just standby and let things fail while they are w Mom. 
They are starting to use their voice, as they continue to get older, they will use more and more….and they will need to lead the change they desire. 

Does this resonate? Do you agree?

[kells76]

We have been on a similar journey. Apart from the ~1-2 years when the kids had a therapist who also worked with Mom, we have not been able to coparent or cooperate at all.

Your kids have been in art therapy in the past; are they still going?

Have school personnel documented the academic declines? Are the declines significant enough to be "a change of circumstances" legally?

We often get situations post-divorce that aren't what we would have wanted for the kids, where they get exposed to conflicts and challenges that we would not have wanted for them, but that's the reality we have to work with. Age 12 is maybe a bit young for them to take on more responsibility for themselves (with your support), but that's the reality they are living in, even if it's not what you wanted for them. We all wish our kids would be taken care of, nurtured, paid attention to, valued, and parented by the other parent, but they aren't, so we have to work with that.

Validating your twins' experiences will be important and you can use that as a stepping stone to collaborative problem solving with them. We just went through this with SD18. She was frustrated, after being in her first driver-person car accident (she is a new driver but it was 100% the bicyclist's fault, and nobody was injured), that Mom and Stepdad basically communicated to her "you have your permit, now drive", and would sit in the vehicle with her on their phones, not teaching her or helping her, just expecting her to "perform". She wished they would actually be adults and teach her. H did a great job saying that her frustration made sense, and -- now that she's 18 -- she is in charge of where she spends her time, so any time, any night of the week, that she wants more driving instruction, she can call him and he will help, it doesn't have to be on "his" night with the kids. She actually took that pretty well.

I wonder if you can start doing that with your kids?

Acknowledge -- it sucks when you want to be at school on time and you aren't. Anyone would be frustrated with that situation. I hate being late, too! Because you can't drive yet, I get that you're dependent on other people to get you there. What can we do to find a different way for you to get to school? Do your bikes at Mom's house work OK? If not, let's get those fixed up, get you helmets and locks. Do other kids ride the city bus to school? I can help you figure out the route; let's ride it together as a test. Does your friend live nearby? What's his mom's phone number? I can call her and set up a ridepool. What do you guys think, what would you like to try?

None of that blames Mom, though it acknowledges the situation -- they're dependent on someone who isn't getting them to school on time. It would be working together with you kids, modeling practical, non-blaming problem solving to them, showing them they can depend on you to support them.

(I have to head to a work meeting -- but I'm curious about your thoughts on that approach?)

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks for sharing.

I am only recently divorced and my kids are young adults, so I can't comment on what to do or what to expect.  But across a 2 year separation I experienced many of the same things and frustrations.  My ex would try to keep me away yet wouldn't spend time with my daughters or grandson either.

What I have learned is that this is true for today, right now...but it won't be true forever.  As your kids become more aware, your ex will have to decide what's actually important in her life and if she wants to make greater efforts.  If she does, then great...the kids win.  If she doesn't, then great...you'll eventually get custody and the kids win.  Patience is key here though and you're going to have to let all this play out.

At the end of the day, being late to practice is not the end of the world.  It would upset me as well, don't get me wrong, but it's something that's currently outside your control.  It sounds like you're doing everything right and the important part is to show the kids you're on their side and you understand their frustrations.  Support them while not bad-mouthing mom (since that will come back on you).  

It's difficult and it's unfair, but that's where you're at in life and you'll have to navigate through it.

[GaGrl]

How much of this is happening at school? Is it time to get a school counselor involved?

How much of the late arrivals, missed practices, missed camp registrations, etc. have you documented?

A Google calendar is a great way to document.

[yellowbutterfly]

I disagree about google calendar as that can be easily seen by a spouse/partner.

Document all these instances in a locked note that only you and your lawyer have access to. Dates/times/occurrences - you don't have to go into great detail as a court will only want to see the minimal facts/impacts this is having. This helped me in my divorce despite not having children.

[ForeverDad]

I started with alternate weekends in the temp orders.  After a two year divorce case I walked out with equal time, also with a 2-2-3 schedule as you have.  She was very possessive, obstructive and regularly disparaging.  It was clear the court expected the poor behavior to fade after the final decree but of course it didn't.  After a couple years I went back for custody and majority time.  Custody change required a Change of Circumstances motion.  I did get custody but our GAL (Guardian ad Litem) didn't want her to lose the option of child support.

Another couple years and I went back again for majority time.  I mistakenly thought her continued disparagement was my big weapon at court.  Strangely, though the written decision mentioned her disparagement of me a half dozen times, what moved the needle were two school-related facts and testimony by teachers:

• Of some 20 tardies, nearly all were on her parenting time.
• Fifth grade students had an overnight school trip (school sponsored and teacher monitored) to a local kids camp and mother's time started that evening.  Yes, she drove there and created a scene while retrieving "her" child within hours after his arrival.

So I suggest you determine which school records and perhaps testimony you can obtain in your efforts to document the need for you to be the residential parent and have majority time.

Another reason why I couldn't figure out the decision details was that I got majority time only during the school year, yet some of my documents listed disparagement during the summer outside the school year.  I walked away feeling court paid more attention in the decision about his school interactions than what he saw my ex doing when she played games with me about exchanges.