Dad dying and sister controlling

[rockinghorse]

My sister was very controlling when our mum died.
 Our dad - a really difficult man, has become much less angry and he is actually quite remorseful. He's elderly and very frail. He has a morbid fear of dying and is pretty frightened but he needs to discuss his end of life wishes.

I don't know how to remind my sister its not what she thinks is best but what he wants. she wants him to die at home

She is very territorial with me. Ultra sensitive. She argues with his healthcare team a lot and the requires a lot of validation for it  She's won't let me take him to hospital appoints. I dont want to send any time alone with her this time when she gets stressed like that. The more healhcare involved the better but she's pushing them away.

[ForeverDad]

It appears he is living with her, or she is living with him?  If so, then it makes sense that her territorial (or control traits) are heightened.

A few important questions...

• Has he signed a Power of Attorney (financial) to anyone?
• Has he signed a Power of Attorney (medical, health care or living will) to anyone?
• Does he have a will?  Is it filed with an attorney?  What if he makes a new will that greatly changes his prior wishes?

Pondering these questions can help you determine whether and how much your sister may be overstepping herself.  Then you can decide what and where you can ensure your father's wishes are met.

You previously posted how many members of your immediate family have issues, so that may limit whether you can reach a consensus agreement from the majority.

[Turkish]

You may want to reach out to your local Adult Protective Services for guidance. You call call and remain anonymous.

[Pook075]

I don't know how to remind my sister its not what she thinks is best but what he wants. she wants him to die at home

Hello and welcome.

For the quoted part above, the way you remind your sister is by actually saying it- this is about what dad wants.  Maybe that makes her mad or upsets her, but your father's legacy is more important than what she wants right now.  You must speak up and get other family to help you if it's too much to handle alone.

I hope that helps.

[rockinghorse]

Thanks for the replies. I'm a retired nurse and have seen my fair share of death and dying. I know i have to have realistic expectations. I have another sister who is cold and detached. She didn't talk when my mum died.  When we were kids I used to try and organise meetings to help my sisters deal with my parents fighting. I was only about 10. It didn't work but she brought it up when the the two became quite psychotic. She is very out of sight out mind and I'd have to do this by text- without triangulating. The remaining sister is a true hater. She is the one everyone is appeasing now that my dad is not the main hater. Its about as complicated as I've ever experienced. How do people get through this?
 I'll contact safe guarding.
Also I did all personal care for my mum  which did enable the situation. I won't do this for my dad so there will naturally be more healthcare input. whatever happens- that will diffuse things.
I'll post again.

[Notwendy]

Hello, rockinghorse-

I am sorry to hear about your father's illness. Some of us on the "parent, sibling" section of this board have elderly parents and a sibling or parent with BPD. If we consider that some of the BPD behaviors are coping behaviors, it makes sense that they would escalate at a stressful time like this.

My BPD mother's behaviors did during my father's illness and when he passed away. Being controlling is a way of managing anxiety. This is not to excuse the behaviors- but to help you to not take them as personally. It's a difficult time for you, your family, and your disordered family members. 

This is an emotionally a difficult time for you. My best advice is to do what you can to get support for yourself- through counseling if you need to and whatever support system is available to you. Take care of yourself as much as you need to.

[rockinghorse]

Thanks I will seek help as waiting lists can be long, but therapy gets a little trickier around grief. Something for going forward definitely.
If he was still having violent rages it would be easier in some way.
I'm just doing the same thing to deal with anxieties and trying to do the right thing as my controlling sister.
I'm a planner, I use therapy tools and want the best for everyone.  I go the extra mile but that's sometimes costly to the self. I've always thought trying to start a  difficult conversation is the best course- if my dad wants help I'll try and be around and not react. He has capacity its up to him. That's the point i know.
Thank you.

[Notwendy]

I don't know what my father's wishes might have been as BPD mother was in control of any decisions made. It was a difficult situation emotionally. One thing to keep in mind is that being legally competent doesn't mean someone makes good decisions. I called social services at the time to see if I could intervene as the situation was chaotic and stressful. I have posted their response to me here as it's a good analogy. "Your parents are legally competent to make their own bad decisions".

I am now a "disempowered" power of attorney for my elderly BPD mother who is still "legally competent" and so is able to override whatever plans are in place for her care. I get calls almost daily from one of her caregivers or medical providers and calls from her several times a day. Chaos is the overall theme here. I do the best I can with it and have to have some boundaries about when to answer the phone.

I think part of the issue is that we have an expectation of how we think the situation should be and it's different- but I have come to accept that chaos and inconsistency may just be a part of it and try to do the best with it.