Don’t know how or if I should leave my partner with BPD

[sunnyj5794]

We’ve been together about a year and a half and have a 3 month old together. Honestly, if we didn’t have a child together I don’t think I would be struggle so much deciding to stay or leave. I would just leave. But I want to try and give our family a chance and do what’s best for my baby. I love my baby with my entire soul, but if I had known more about my partners BPD diagnosis I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with him. Anyways, I guess it’s too late for that. Basically I seemed to have gotten into a habit of allowing him to emotionally manipulate me into making him feel better- no matter what it took. Like I would end up apologizing in situations where he did something that hurt me or he would twist what happened so much or have convenient amnesia that i would just give up fighting and let it go. After reading the ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ book I stopped doing those things. And things have gotten so much worse. We don’t go more than about 2 days without terrible fights. He’s aggressive and scary when mad. He’s never hurt anyone physically, but when he’s mad he throws objects around and slams doors. It’s scary and I get scared to leave the baby with
him. It’s terrible because when he comes out of his ‘BPD thinking’ he feels terrible and doesn’t want to loose his family. It is heart breaking to watch someone you love screw up the people they love with seemingly no control. The cycle of him going downhill, getting into an episode, us fighting, and then making up has been going on for our entire relationship (minus the honeymoon phase). Now that I know more about BPD it makes me mad, and i have to much resentment, but also feel terrible that he lives in such a horrid state of mind. It is so hard to give up the dream I had of our family. Anyways, i’m not sure what the point of this is. I haven’t decided if I want to stay or leave. I don’t see how I could live like this for much longer. And it seems like IF he will ever recover it will take a very long time. I don’t want my child to be the victim of his outbursts. I don’t want to wait around to see that. But I do love him. I just don’t know what to do. It’s not fair…
On top of this I am a stay at home mom and therefore don’t really have the finances to do anything besides go live with my mother. Which you can imagine how that feels. I financially supported my partner for awhile while he attempted a new career. And now I have next to nothing because of it. Years of hard work (and work while pregnant) down the drain. This disorder just sucks.

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