very confused

[BPDstinks]

Hi, everyone!

I posted a bit ago about my BPD daughter seeing my mother; well...she took my mother shopping Friday (this is actually a GREAT thing, b/c i could not & my mother gets very testy when she wants to go somewhere) BPD went to GRET lengths, in the past, to avoid my mother...I am truly befuddled...(yes, I am happy she's with someone) but...my husband found out & is soooo sad and I admit, it makes me jealous (though the last visit, my mother offered info...BPD lit into me about my dog (HER dog) who is blind & has diabetes, saying I am cruel for keeping her alive (of alllll the many things that have transpired, that is what just "did it" for me!  (I cried alllll weekend) (I take EXCELLENT care of my dog & will NOT let her suffer) so, now I am MAD, just plain mad (which makes me feel guilty, i know she cannot control her BPD) (plus, she never even said a simple, thank you for her Xmas gifts (JUST recently picked up); is there ANY relief to this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Oh, dear BPDStinks,

Your relief will come for you to break away some and establish your own interests and life; you would be a great volunteer to the many hurting kids in this country!

Don’t allow her to keep pushing your buttons, she’s the way she is, so just go with the flow and do your own thing. Remember the 3 c’s, you didn’t cause her mindset, so don’t let it bother you so. You know to expect the unexpected, so let it roll off of your back.

Be true to who you are, and show her the love, empathy, and understanding you have inside you and carry on with your own life. Put her life into perspective as being important, but not controlling you, afterall she has her life, but you have your own that she is a part of.

I hope that gives you some relief!

[BPDstinks]

Thank you!  Your words are so POWERFUL!  It does get a little easier every day!  I know I need to count the blessings (and there ARE many!) I DO have! 

[Sancho]

Hi BPDstinks
It is all so painful and complex. This illness is like no other in my opinion in the way it can affect those who support and love them. My dd is in a precarious situation at the moment, and because her anxiety is high, I cam coping lots of blaming! And I'm the only one who can help her!

There are two aspects to where you are at the moment. First of all you are going through an enormous grieving process. There is a gap in your life that is the similar to the gap created by a death, but it is more confusing, less able to be processed on a continuum because dd is there and is sending out messages in one way or another in order to hurt/punish you (as the target of blame).

Years ago I went through a deep grieving process (a death) and I found that it was helpful when I thought to myself one day 'this is normal. I feel terrible at this moment because the person I love is not here. I feel the pain BECAUSE I love that person and my life is sad without them).

So whenever I felt awful - it comes and goes - I just told myself this is okay, it's normal because I loved xx I feel the pain. If I didn't love then there wouldn't be this pain.

The other thing is that DD making sure you get to hear her voice - via grandparents or whoever - and as the 'target of blame' it will be negative things that you hear.

It is absolutely natural to defend your self and call out - even in your own mind - the untruthfulness of it all. Here's where I think the JADE idea is helpful. You don't need to defend yourself, even to yourself, or to explain how all these accusations are twisted and wrong.

Even in your pain, you clearly consider your dd's best interests. You are pleased she has contact with the grandparent. You know you have done all that you can and I think the fact that she has contact with family is testimony to all your input and effort.

Be kind to yourself. Try to let all the negative stuff dd brings up go past you. You clearly have always had your dd's best interest at heart, and you have every cause to build yourself up and not be put down by BPD. Yes it's BPD that is at the centre of what is happening, not any failure on your part.