Mom with BPD, Dad getting remarried

[U.N. Owen]

So my parents were married for 29 years and in 2022, my dad decided he had had enough of my moms behavior and filed for divorce. Mom HATES him with a burning passion and has really tried to push myself (29M) and my brother (31) to cut him out of our lives entirely for the betrayal and how much he hurt her. She mentions how when her dad cheated on her mom it took her years to even speak to him again and that she still resents him for it - funny, she didn't act like that when he was alive, I guess it just fits her purposes now.

Well, now my dad is getting remarried to the woman that he may or may not have had an affair with in the final months of their marriage which ultimately caused him to leave. I have my suspicions but feel that thread is best left un-pulled. They have been engaged for a little over a year now and the wedding is coming up in less than two weeks. My brother nor I have told our mom that it's happening yet and we know it's going to get bad. My SIL says she absolutely will be posting pictures on facebook and refuses to set it so mom can't view it - taking some moral stand I suppose without understanding the hell this will reign down on her husband and myself.  My brother and I are both groomsmen and my nephew is the ring bearer which will set her off even further. How should we handle this situation? Tell her now, wait until the facebook posts spill the secrets? Hack her facebook and block and unfollow anyone that might post/tag someone from the wedding?

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother will pull out "how her family reacted" examples as how one should react. One of hers was "when my relative wasn't invited to a wedding- our whole family refused to go". Apparently one has to invite everyone in their family to everything. Now, with the cost of weddings and events- they stopped this trend and everyone understands.

Maybe your mother chose to not speak to her father  (if the story is even true) but that doesn't have to be your decision. It may be what your mother wants you to do but you are an adult and can make your own choices.

What you are contemplating- how to manage your mother's feelings- is a role you probably have had in your family and one that is common in families where there is a disordered person. This kind of triangulation is common in families like this. However, you aren't responsible for your mother's feelings or her behavior. You also aren't responsible for your father's decisions or behavior either. This is actually something that involves the two of them. If she reacts- that is on her. If she acts out with your father - that is his issue to manage as well.

You didn't do anything to her. You absolutely can have a relationship with your father and his new wife, and you can be in their wedding. Yes, BPD mother is going to react but that is on her. IMHO, this isn't your job to be the messenger and so there isn't anything you need to do. I do agree that social media isn't the best way to hear news like this but it's not your responsibility to tell her about the wedding either. It's your father's business- and his choice to tell her or not.

Be there for your Dad and enjoy the wedding.

[Methuen]

So my parents were married for 29 years and in 2022, my dad decided he had had enough of my moms behavior and filed for divorce. Mom HATES him with a burning passion and has really tried to push myself (29M) and my brother (31) to cut him out of our lives entirely for the betrayal and how much he hurt her.

One red flag is your mom's hate.  Another red flag is her thinking that because she hates him you should cut him out of your life.  She is effectively saying you must choose him or her.  That is emotionally immature, very unhealthy, and without any boundaries for letting you have your autonomy to make your own decisions in life. I'm so sorry. 

My brother nor I have told our mom that it's happening yet and we know it's going to get bad. My SIL says she absolutely will be posting pictures on facebook and refuses to set it so mom can't view it - taking some moral stand I suppose without understanding the hell this will reign down on her husband and myself.  My brother and I are both groomsmen and my nephew is the ring bearer which will set her off even further. How should we handle this situation? Tell her now, wait until the facebook posts spill the secrets? Hack her facebook and block and unfollow anyone that might post/tag someone from the wedding?

Let's look at this from another angle.  Your mom and dad are divorced.  Since your dad is remarrying, I'm "guessing" they don't have contact with each other any more. So, if they don't have contact and talk to each other, what he does in his life is no concern of hers.  She has no "right" to his information, unless he chooses to give it to her.  You have no actual obligation to tell her about the wedding and your role in it.  The fact that she has made you feel otherwise and this is causing you anxiety speaks to the real problem.

You sound worried about your mom's reaction when she finds out about the wedding.  I'm with NW.  This "isn't your problem".  This is her problem.  Let her self-soothe in her own way when she eventually finds out. It's not your job to feed her "information about your dad" which she will then use to stir up a whole ton of drama in advance (before you even perform your groomsmen job).  Go enjoy the wedding, and then once she becomes aware of it, give her plenty of time and space to soothe herself if possible.  Stay off the triangle.  If she learns about it from SIL post, then that is for your brother and SIL to deal with. 

[zachira]

Part of having an emotionally out of control mother with BPD is we often live in fear about how she is going to react, knowing that being her child she will try to get us to take on her overwhelming emotions so she does not have to take responsibility for how she feels. This is a dynamic that starts when we are small children; it is very challenging to break the cycle of living in fear and taking on our mother's feelings for her. Part of the fear also involves not knowing when and how she will react. It is normal to worry about the next meltdown because past behaviors predict future behaviors and to do what we can to protect ourselves.

What are some things that you do now/could do that you enjoy and take your mind off things you can not control and do not want to worry about?