My daughter is causing relationship problems with my partner

[bean69]

 Hello, I am new to the site and have seen such support advice so thought I would seek some advice here.
I have a bpd daughter who is 24 and lives with just myself ( mum)
I have been in a lovely relationship with my partner who lives separately to us but this relationship is being hugely compromised by my daughter and has now come to the point that he doesn't think he can deal with things as he feels like it's a triangle between us because she relies on me so much.
It's all so emotionally and draining, I really don't want to loose my relationship with my partner.
I would really appreciate some advice please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Dear Bean,

I think it is great that you have been such a loving and supportive Mom, but you have got to let your daughter become her own person and take back your own life.

You do not mention college, work, or therapy for your daughter.
If these things are not happening, you probably need to get her involved in at least college (she can stay in a dorm-possibly with other girls that are mentally challenged-since this has become rather common I think) and of course get her into counseling and therapy.

Talk with your boyfriend for what he thinks would be best-great having someone to bounce ideas off of.

It sounds like you have given your child a strong foundation, but it’s time for you to both fly!

Don’t worry about her being upset with you, although there may be some of that. Unless she is incapable, you both really need to move on.
Afterall, she is no longer a child.

I was a single parent most of my child’s life, but I sent her to college and dealt with her issues. Since then she’s gotten her Masters degree and managed to make her way and is finally on a true healing path.

The Biggest thing I feel you need to overcome (and should also pursue counseling for yourself) is any feelings you harbor that her behavior is any fault of your parenting skills. It is NOT and your child needs an adult life of her own. You also need to get back your own identity from being a mother, so your boyfriend sees the woman he fell for.

Consider how valuable you both are!

[bean69]

Thank you so much,
My daughter is in her last year at university, so finishing  soon, which has been a struggle. She currently doesn't work but will  have to find work.
She was under the crisis team and is still waiting for therapy or avoiding it!
She was given a concoction of meds but she doesn't like them so not sure if she even takes them.
 After reading many things on here and what you said has helped me revaluate and made me realise that I need to do
what's best for both of us.
Unfortunately my relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated and he decided he needs space.
I am hoping that things will improve with the advice and guidance of this site.

[Ourworld]

Hi Bean,

So sorry about the boyfriend, he probably wasn’t the right man for you, it sounds like it really needs to be someone with more compassion and understanding anyway.

I’m glad you are seeing your path ahead and I truly wish you and your daughter the best. One other thing I want to mention is that my daughter married a guy 12 years ago, in secret, he also had mental health issues, at first she was helping him through cancer and I guess she thought things would be better after that. Things got worse for him, and he ended up going into psychosis last year and after several months she finally left him. His problems are military-related and he is now being taken care of by the Veteran Administration here that has medical care for ex-military.
Since she still doesn’t talk to me, I rely on my sister and brother to hopefully help her and have pointed out that she has had multiple traumas. Anyway, as far as I know, she’s moved on and they say she’s doing ok.

The reason I am telling you this, is because your daughter will make some choices that are not the best, but if you try to stop her, you risk losing her, so let her go.
I comforted myself that at least she was with someone she loved and trusted during those years.

Now, I keep hoping and praying that she contacts me as a friend, because I plan to go overseas soon (later this year or next) for missionary work. She could probably do some office-type work for the agency if she wanted, if she actually came back to me.

Fortunately, the guy she married was impotent from the cancer so at least she never had children, I would advise to try and discreetly turn her away from having children if you can.

I truly wish you the best in your own life and in helping your daughter find her own and in your relationship with her.

Most importantly, do NOT blame yourself, which is easy to do, we often think I should have said this, I should have done things this way, and I shouldn’t have done that!

Take care, OurWorld

[CC43]

Hi Bean,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents on these boards can relate to how draining and stressful it can be to have an adult child with BPD, and how it can impact the entire family.

First off, I'd say that it's great that your daughter is in school.  It sounds like she's on track to carving out an independent life for herself.  Ideally she'd be getting therapy as well, if her BPD behaviors are adversely impacting her life.  Yet for therapy to work, she needs to feel committed to the process, and want to change for the better.  I think that people with untreated BPD often feel like victims, and they blame others for their problems--therefore they expect others to change, not them.  With this mindset, therapy probably won't work very well.  It might be that she has to "hit bottom" before she decides she needs to make some changes for a happier life.

In my family, it's my adult stepdaughter who has BPD.  She's a little older than your daughter, and she has really struggled with finishing her college degree.  Fortunately it looks like she's going to graduate, but for a few years there, I almost lost hope.  When her BPD behaviors were at their worst, she was NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy--for extended periods.  She was basically waiting and rotting, lashing out at everyone.  Because she was doing nothing, she felt like nothing.  She made our home life miserable.  My advice to you would be that, if you are supporting your daughter in any way (rent, insurance, car, etc.), you don't allow her to be NEETT.  She could choose to be NEETT, but then she'd be on her own financially.

I'm mentioning this because the negative BPD behaviors generated so much friction in my household, and between me and my husband.  He loves his daughter immensely, and that love is what made me stick it out with him.  He's a good man, and deep down, she's a good kid.  But I felt that my husband was enabling his daughter's dysfunction.  She treated him and me horribly, and I couldn't stand it.  She threw away tens of thousands of our hard-earned dollars on wasted tuition, broken leases, missed therapy appointments and drugs.  Not only that, but she told lies, cursed us out, lived like a slob and did absolutely NOTHING to contribute to the household, not even pick up her things or take out the trash.  She was less functional than a kindergartener--she wouldn't eat at mealtimes, wake up in the morning, do any chores or even take regular baths or showers.  And I tended to blame my husband for that, because he ALLOWED it.  I know he enabled her out of love, fear, obligation and guilt--called the FOG.  He thought, if he asked her to do anything she didn't want to do, that she'd try to kill herself.  And that's exactly what she did, becoming an emotional terrorist in our home.  I think that nearly broke us.  I was on suicide watch for around four years.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), her last suicide attempt got her the medical and psychological attention she needed, and she got back on track towards making an independent life for herself.

For a time there, we came to think in terms of having a special needs child.  Now, having a special needs (adult) child might be a deal-breaker for a romantic partner.  Yet I'd say that there's a difference between supporting a special needs child vs.  over-functioning for one while permitting abusive behaviors in the household.  Since my stepdaughter had full privileges and no responsibilities in our household, while treating us like dirt, I came to resent that paradigm.  Resentment is a sure sign of being treated unfairly, and that was probably an even bigger deal-breaker for me.  Fortunately, understanding that my husband was acting out of love, I was able to sustain our relationship through the dark days, even if he took a lot of his stress out directly on me.  I could see that his own outbursts and controlling nature were a reaction to the stresses his daughter's woeful situation was  causing.  Granted, it's hard to know how to deal with BPD--just look at this site for all the confused and desperate parents out there.  It wasn't my husband's fault for thinking that if he gave his daughter everything she wanted, she might get better.  Alas, that just doesn't work.  Anyway, I hope that some of these insights might help you with your situation.  All my best to you.

[Gemsforeyes]

What a beautiful and insightful response, @CC43. 

I truly hope the OP comes back, absorbs your words and can feed her soul with them.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes