My boyfriend and I were dating for about 5 months. Out of nowhere due to a miscommunication about our plans for the night, he believes I cheated on him, started to insult me, called me a narcissistic, and says we can never be together unless I admit I lied to him and cheated. I have never done that and no matter how I refuted it, he took it as all lies. We were so in love prior to this and had talked about the future, and i feel things were just starting to become more comfortable between us. Nothing I said helped, he just saw it as more and more evidence that I was a liar. I tried to empathize with his fear that I would leave him, tried to go through my whole day with him, tried to reassure him of my love, but he refused to believe anything but that I made up a story to deceive him and hide that I was with someone else. He called me manipulative and said many more insulting things. I am not that kind of person and have never done anything like that. Ive been single most of my life. I can understand a lack of trust being part of the disorder, but I just feel so hurt and lost that hed even think Id do that to him. He said he'd block me and won't even talk to me now. How do I cope? What can I do? Why did this happen? Can anything change this?
Hi Laurenzen
Your post here really resonated with me. I am 9 days out of an almost decade long relationship with someone who for the last 1/2 of it began to show worsening BPD traits that culminated in the destruction of our relationship.
I have never cheated on my partner, not once. The closest thing to that was being caught "looking at porn" after swearing I hadn't (out of embarrassment of being caught). That was the starting gun to my partner believing that I was being unfaithful. If I lied about that, what else was I lying about?
After the porn thing, we entered a 6 month knock down, drag out, daily (sometimes multiple times a day) battle over who I was cheating on him with, which one of my friends, coworkers, etc. was I cheating on him with. Anyone I spent time with, even if spending time with them wasn't by choice, was probably who I was cheating on him with.
My boss, who lives 350 miles away and who I see in person maybe once a year (but talk to daily, sometimes for hours a day) was one of the people I was allegedly doing this with. He didn't like that our long work discussions also got into personal, political, life topics. Any part of me being shared with others, to him was a form of cheating and if I could share my personal thoughts with this person, then I was probably doing more.
There were however two main people he was convinced I was cheating on him with who I work closely with, and travel with for work/hobbies (the two intertwine).
I am bi, these two males are to my knowledge very much heterosexual and have zero interest in a male almost twice their age. Both are in committed long term relationships, one is about to propose. This didn't matter to my partner, "everyone is a little gay" he would say.
His accusations got stronger, more detailed and raunchy, as time went on. Every fight would be "just admit it, I don't care about the cheating, I just want the truth, I want you to stop lying to me".
I would share my location history, I allowed him to monitor all my communications (text, email, etc). When no signs of cheating could be seen, he would say it's because I'm sneaky and have "other ways" of communicating with them. If he let me out of his sight for 30 minutes, that's when I was doing it. Towards the end, I was being accused of being with anyone and everyone he encountered.
His own sister who lived with us while finishing high school and is now 2 hours away going to college, was someone he was always sure I was cheating on him with. One day I needed to use the bathroom and he was occupying the one in our bedroom. I went into his sisters old bathroom (she hasn't lived with us in 8+ months) and later he EXPLODED at me for doing something as intimate as peeing in a toilet she once used. I was "sick" for doing this.
Later, in the last few weeks, he became convinced that I had brought his sister with me on a work trip to the other side of the continent. He wouldn't believe me or her that she wasn't there with me. He said he heard her voice in the room while we were on the phone, which he didn't. His sister moved her stuff out from our house and split contact with him a month prior because of BPD related treatment she was getting from him, and couldn't deal with it anymore, so she had stopped sharing her location with him. He took that to mean she was hiding it because I had brought her with me on this trip. No matter how many ways she and I tried to prove that wasn't happening, no logic would seep through.
To tie this all back to what you're experiencing... what you have laid out was exactly what I had been dealing with. I would have never believed anyone else was having the same experience as I was, it seemed so surreal. Honestly I started to doubt my own sanity, maybe I was cheating on him??? Maybe he's right and I'm just blocking it out... like that's a thought that legitimately went through my head at one point. He was so convinced it was happening, he dragged me into his reality.
To you question of what you can do, from someone who's been where you are, the answer is there's nothing you can do. I would constantly tell him "if you are that sure I am cheating on you, then just break up with me, leave me, go find someone else who you can trust", but he didn't want to do that. He wanted me, but he wanted a version of me I could never be, no matter how hard I tried.
I am, as I said, less than 10 days past the break up and it's all still so fresh it hurts every single moment I'm conscious. The one thing I am realizing as the dust clears is there was nothing I could've said, done, proven ,etc. I could've worn a body camera where he could monitor the feed of, and he still wouldn't have trusted me. The same is said for your situation, your partner is not going to listen to reason or see proof, that proof and reason doesn't align with their reality just like your reality where you didn't cheat on them conflicts with theirs.
As others have told me on this board already, only the BPD individual will be able to change their views with time, help, etc. In the meantime, we broken hearted ones have to move on and do what's needed for ourselves.
I hope my ramblings helped. I tend to overshare, sorry for the long read.
