Mixed feelings surrounding uBPD mother

[alphabeta]

Hi Everyone,

I just heard from my mother's best friend that my mother might have a malignant tumor, and she will get a biopsy next week.

My initial reaction was to feel sadness for my mother, and my thoughts were to reach out to her.

However, after giving it some thought, I felt angry, because the guilt inside of me was driving me to contact her.

Just for background, I have had extremely limited contact with her for the past six years- I only send her text messages.  Her long history verbal and physical abuse against me, my son, and my wife drove me to this.  She has sent me letters from time to time, in which she says she's sorry for what she's done.  The thing that irks me is she says she's a good person who didn't know any better and doesn't understand why I don't want to see or speak with her.

Now, she says (through her friend) she doesn't want to respond to my text messages, as it shows I'm a cold person.

I'm confused as to what to do.  As I wrote above, part of me feels bad for her while part of me feels pained by the years of abuse.

[Turkish]

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I'm confused as to what to do.  As I wrote above, part of me feels bad for her while part of me feels pained by the years of abuse.

Both of those things are true.

It's also true that you reached out with the texts (which are kind of a boundary) and that she's refusing to answer and triangulating her friend on order to get you to engage in a more personal level. What do you feel is your risk for a phone call?

[alphabeta]

Hi Turkish,

Thanks for your reply.

I've had a bad feeling in my gut the few times we've spoken since going NC. 

This because in the past (before going NC) I've had very unpleasant phone conversations with my mother, which involved a lot of drama.  On several occasions when I told her I needed a break (which was recommended by our T) she would threaten suicide.  Hanging up would prompt her to call repeatedly-sometimes well into the night.  Not saying anything to stop her, which was the norm, could turn into hours ( up to 10 hours) of ranting, crying, and patronizing conversations.

Writing this makes me realize I may be traumatized of speaking with her on the phone.   Does anyone else have a similar experience?