Developmental Issues

[jaded7]

When *this* first happened, this being:

angry outbursts when I offered to do something for her, name-calling, belittling, yelling, confusing behavior, double-standards, angry outbursts when I tried to tell her that her behavior was confusing and hurtful, massive boundary violations, and then the complete ending of communication for 12 days and then ditching and disappearing over Christmas to go be with her family without saying a word to me, I was deeply, deeply confused and hurt.

The pain settled in, and I've spent 4 years thinking of her and missing her, my heart still waiting for her to call or text to apologize and say she misses me and loves me (like she said she loved me 12 days before ditching me for the holidays because my gift to her the previous year was so "PLEASE READty" and embarrassing that "she didn't want to have to cover up for me in front of her family again".) The final phone call was a barrage of putdowns and belittling and yelling. Really, really harsh.

She's not coming back. I need to accept this.

I'm realizing more and more that what my therapist told me right after it happened that this is developmental, as in family of origin issues. I was, and have been, in such a state that this couldn't sink in really. It made sense, but it couldn't penetrate my heart.

I am seeing it more clearly now, and I believe that's why it hurts so much. I think, having read these board now for some time, and trying to contribute to help others as I've been helped (seen and heard is so validating), that many of us probably suffer from these relationships because of family of origin- developmental- issues.

My mother was completely invalidating, to the point that when I was 20 she apologized to me for not accepting me the way I was, for trying to make me into somebody I wasn't. She was not the kind of person who apologized for anything. She was very controlling, very rigid, very nervous and very frightened of things. Very smart too, very proper, and quite 'together'- always dressed nice and well-thought of in our community. She was not prone to anger really, but I could very often sense the refusal to accept me. She did not hold, hug or kiss. She did not say I love you much. I never saw my Mom and Dad hold hands, kiss, say I love you to each other, or even laugh much.

Which is all to say, this was my girlfriend. She was proper, reserved, smart, well-respected, nervous, and completely unaccepting of me how I am. Of course, she REALLY loved me in the beginning, went out of her way to see me and communicate, invited me to meet her family at their vacation home early on, and told me she loved me early on.

I needed that, really badly. I didn't realize it at the time since I had been 10 years without a relationship, was perfectly happy on my own-no dating, no dating apps, no looking.......just happy with my hobbies, friends and business that kept me very busy and in which I got to interact with a ton of people who liked and admired me, loved my business. I was fulfilled and busy.

Then she came along, and pushed things forward quickly. I was hesitant at first, still in my mode of being happy with who I was and what I was doing. But I slowly decided to let my guard down after she told me she loved me (and I didn't respond in kind, at the time). I gradually came to think she really loved me and accepted me, especially since I put on no kind of pretense and didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't. I was just me, and she seemed to really love me. How amazing!

Then, 4-5 months in, came the snapping at me. The criticisms started to come in. The sudden anger and yelling. The telling me what I think and what my intentions were, and how they were 'bad'. I was baffled, and confused. She says she loves me, and yet she is getting really angry at me and I know my intentions and I know my heart, she seems to not see these.

So I tried harder, I tried to calm her down, I tried to make her see that these she's accusing me of make no sense. I told her that she seems to look for things to get mad at, she tells me what I'm thinking and it's not true. She expected me to read her mind, expecting me to do things without asking for what she wants/needs, or even telling me "no and nothing, I'm just resting" when I would ask her if I could bring her anything or do anything for her when she was sick with a cold, only to block me for 2 days and tell me later she was angry at me "for not taking care of her" and "her friends know what to do without asking".

One night in a 4 hour tirade I pointed out to her that she is really critical of me, did she notice that I don't criticize her? "Well, I guess you're a better person than me". Do you remember all those nice things you texted your friend about me? "That's before I knew all this other stuff about you."

She was just like my Mom. I realize now that I had shut myself off from love for many, many years. I recognized deep down that it was a dangerous thing for me, and I avoided it. Always surface level relationships with women, but no deep commitment from me and definitely no 'I love you'. I didn't string them along, I didn't use them...I was very clear that I'm not able to commit and won't be getting married.

I believe what happened here is she hit that very deep hole in me that was left after my childhood. A feeling that I was not good enough, not really. That I was unloveable. That who I am is not good enough, unacceptable. So when she saw me, saw the real me, and seemed to accept me.....and I gave in to vulnerability and needing someone, I was setting myself up for disaster.

Couple that with my childhood sexual abuse by a priest, and my many years of avoiding sex and my letting go and being vulnerable with her in this area. She turned out to be very cold and harsh during sex, often snapping in anger at me for doing something 'wrong', or pointing at me to get my clothes off and get into bed, or withholding sex for months at a time and ignoring my texts and calls to come over, or exploding in bed at me when I asked if there was something wrong with our physical relationship, or exploding at me when I tried to put my arm around her in bed.

So I was deeply hooked on the emotional and physical level, two areas of me that were damaged and in which I thought I was not good enough- who I was as a person, who I was a sexual being. Both trashed by her.

This pain and suffering is most definitely a developmental issue, with my unique angle of sexual abuse too. No wonder it's so painful, so difficult to shed, so all-consuming that I've gone to bed every night for 4 years thinking of her and trying to make sense of it all. Writing in my journal every morning just to get the ruminations out of my head for a few minutes.

I share all of this to maybe inspire others here to look deeply at these issues in themselves, in the hopes that maybe it will help you to get to the root of the matter and help with healing.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Jaded-

I am truly sorry for the pain you experienced in your relationship; and even more deeply sorry for the pain and confusion you’ve gone through during the four years since the relationship with your exgf ended.

Healing from relationships with disordered partners is not linear - we read these words constantly.  But until we actually DO that hard work, and all that internal reflection, those words are meaningless, aren’t they?  That’s the primary reason we see many people addressing the fact they’ve been in multiple relationships with disordered partners; or unable to exit when we can see they really ought to leave.  I am one of “those” people, but that’s behind me.  I know all the reasons now. 

You, my friend have connected your dots.  You’ve done so much work.  You don’t have to feel like this anymore.  Whatever internal therapy and/or work remains for you in terms of embracing the fact that you ARE completely worthy and deserving of receiving unconditional trust and love  - that IS available to you.  That does NOT involve anything to do with the exgf.  You most certainly do not need either her OR your mother’s permission to leave those painful memories behind you.

Jaded - from the way I see this, you have actually reached kind of an “ungettable” Get - a level of deep insight and resolution…something so many people never reach.  Can you see that?  If not, then let’s talk more about it.  The ex has nothing to offer you… nothing at all.

She has shown you exactly who she is, repeatedly, and in very cruel and thoughtless ways.  Knowing that, and knowing who you are and the fact that you could likely find happiness and a truly loving relationship with an honest and giving partner, why would you want any contact with her?  You have nothing to *prove* to her.  She has *proven* herself to you over and over.  You can grant yourself permission to close this chapter on your life.

I hope you will.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[seekingtheway]

Hi Jaded,

I thought your post was really brave... it's not easy to dig deep into your own stuff to truly understand why you find yourself in certain dynamics. There's a lot of juice to be extracted from looking at your own family of origin stuff.

I identify with a lot of what you have written. I wasn't accepted for who I was either. There's a big story that goes behind that, which I won't get into in detail now, but I definitely relate with not feeling accepted or truly loved for who I am, and that leaving scars that went into all of my relationships. I thought I was emotionally available, but I chose partners with very limited emotional availability so that choice alone meant I couldn't experience true intimacy in my relationships. I was always chasing that love and acceptance.

Yes, you do need to accept that she's not coming back, but more importantly is being able to decide and accept that you would not consider taking her back for moment even if she came back and said alllllll of the right things.

I'm still in a lot of pain about my ex too, though it's still quite recent. But even now I can't stop imagining the possibilities of it somehow working out... and yet almost every interaction I have had with him in recent months is confirmation that he truly is suffering with disordered mental functioning. But I've got a huge hole in my self worth, my confidence, my sense of sense and my intuition... I've been knocked around, and so I'm giving myself a break for still wanting my ex and still having some contact with him (which just always ends in tears) when I haven't built these things back up yet. It's going to take some intentional work to get there. I'm starting EMDR therapy this week. I've mentioned attachment healing in some of my other posts somewhere... for me, this is where a lot of healing is. I am anxiously attached but had a good handle on it... especially after a few years of therapy following a brush with some other Cluster B's in my extended family. I went hard into therapy and healing, tackled my upbringing, had some difficult but healing conversations with my family about things that had happened in my childhood... learned everything I could about attachment, even ended up studying it... and I felt strong and healthy mentally... so I know I'll get to that strong place again. And you will too...

Healing this stuff is layered. Awareness is half the battle... then you integrate the lessons one by one... and take some risks in love again, but this time with someone healthy.

Something interesting... I never gave my heart or myself as fully to anyone in my past more than I gave it to my BPD ex. A few things could be taken from that... could be the intensity of the connection (which I think almost everyone on these boards seems to have experienced!), the fact that he seemed to really require that unconditional love from me (because what he was seeking was the perfect parent to fix what happened in his childhood)... but I sometimes wonder if I loved him SO deeply knowing that actually he couldn't love me in the same way. I knew he was very limited really... I saw his deep insecurity within the first month and I knew enough about attachment to know what that likely meant for the relationship and his ability to give me true intimacy. But i persisted... his issues are his, but my persistence in the face of stacks of data that tells me I will never get what I need or want... that stuff is mine and is at the heart of where my healing lies now...

Like you pointed out, the fact that you felt SO loved in a way you haven't before is definitely something to pay attention to. It was the same for me. I thought he was the one to finally help me fill that huge unloved/unaccepted part of me. Because that's the dream he sold me so very convincingly over and over again. But in the end, you realise it's like trying to fill that hole with corrosive poison... it just makes the hole bigger...

[jaded7]

Hi Jaded-

I am truly sorry for the pain you experienced in your relationship; and even more deeply sorry for the pain and confusion you’ve gone through during the four years since the relationship with your exgf ended.

Healing from relationships with disordered partners is not linear - we read these words constantly.  But until we actually DO that hard work, and all that internal reflection, those words are meaningless, aren’t they?  That’s the primary reason we see many people addressing the fact they’ve been in multiple relationships with disordered partners; or unable to exit when we can see they really ought to leave.  I am one of “those” people, but that’s behind me.  I know all the reasons now. 

You, my friend have connected your dots.  You’ve done so much work.  You don’t have to feel like this anymore.  Whatever internal therapy and/or work remains for you in terms of embracing the fact that you ARE completely worthy and deserving of receiving unconditional trust and love  - that IS available to you.  That does NOT involve anything to do with the exgf.  You most certainly do not need either her OR your mother’s permission to leave those painful memories behind you.

Jaded - from the way I see this, you have actually reached kind of an “ungettable” Get - a level of deep insight and resolution…something so many people never reach.  Can you see that?  If not, then let’s talk more about it.  The ex has nothing to offer you… nothing at all.

She has shown you exactly who she is, repeatedly, and in very cruel and thoughtless ways.  Knowing that, and knowing who you are and the fact that you could likely find happiness and a truly loving relationship with an honest and giving partner, why would you want any contact with her?  You have nothing to *prove* to her.  She has *proven* herself to you over and over.  You can grant yourself permission to close this chapter on your life.

I hope you will.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thank you so much for this contribution Gems. I've read many of your posts and they are always so thoughtful and kind. You have such a kind heart and I appreciate you taking the time to write out this reply.

You remind me of the saying by Maya Angelou, I think, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

You wrote some really good things here, I will return to them often. My hope is that by writing this out others will learn something and perhaps make a further step to healing. I've written elsewhere that I think that our upbringing during the critical years installs in us a kind of operating system like in a computer, the functioning of the software of our lives- our relationships, our beliefs, our sense of self- are ultimately deeply influenced by that invisible operating system. It's underneath, not even considered really. Yet the software depends on it to run.

[jaded7]

Hi Jaded,

I thought your post was really brave... it's not easy to dig deep into your own stuff to truly understand why you find yourself in certain dynamics. There's a lot of juice to be extracted from looking at your own family of origin stuff.

I identify with a lot of what you have written. I wasn't accepted for who I was either. There's a big story that goes behind that, which I won't get into in detail now, but I definitely relate with not feeling accepted or truly loved for who I am, and that leaving scars that went into all of my relationships. I thought I was emotionally available, but I chose partners with very limited emotional availability so that choice alone meant I couldn't experience true intimacy in my relationships. I was always chasing that love and acceptance.

Yes, you do need to accept that she's not coming back, but more importantly is being able to decide and accept that you would not consider taking her back for moment even if she came back and said alllllll of the right things.

I'm still in a lot of pain about my ex too, though it's still quite recent. But even now I can't stop imagining the possibilities of it somehow working out... and yet almost every interaction I have had with him in recent months is confirmation that he truly is suffering with disordered mental functioning. But I've got a huge hole in my self worth, my confidence, my sense of sense and my intuition... I've been knocked around, and so I'm giving myself a break for still wanting my ex and still having some contact with him (which just always ends in tears) when I haven't built these things back up yet. It's going to take some intentional work to get there. I'm starting EMDR therapy this week. I've mentioned attachment healing in some of my other posts somewhere... for me, this is where a lot of healing is. I am anxiously attached but had a good handle on it... especially after a few years of therapy following a brush with some other Cluster B's in my extended family. I went hard into therapy and healing, tackled my upbringing, had some difficult but healing conversations with my family about things that had happened in my childhood... learned everything I could about attachment, even ended up studying it... and I felt strong and healthy mentally... so I know I'll get to that strong place again. And you will too...

Healing this stuff is layered. Awareness is half the battle... then you integrate the lessons one by one... and take some risks in love again, but this time with someone healthy.

Something interesting... I never gave my heart or myself as fully to anyone in my past more than I gave it to my BPD ex. A few things could be taken from that... could be the intensity of the connection (which I think almost everyone on these boards seems to have experienced!), the fact that he seemed to really require that unconditional love from me (because what he was seeking was the perfect parent to fix what happened in his childhood)... but I sometimes wonder if I loved him SO deeply knowing that actually he couldn't love me in the same way. I knew he was very limited really... I saw his deep insecurity within the first month and I knew enough about attachment to know what that likely meant for the relationship and his ability to give me true intimacy. But i persisted... his issues are his, but my persistence in the face of stacks of data that tells me I will never get what I need or want... that stuff is mine and is at the heart of where my healing lies now...

Like you pointed out, the fact that you felt SO loved in a way you haven't before is definitely something to pay attention to. It was the same for me. I thought he was the one to finally help me fill that huge unloved/unaccepted part of me. Because that's the dream he sold me so very convincingly over and over again. But in the end, you realise it's like trying to fill that hole with corrosive poison... it just makes the hole bigger...

Thank you so much seekingtheway. You are right, I must accept that fact that she is not coming back. That is the hardest thing in the world to me. The belief that she will see the hurt she has caused, express her apology for the things she called me and did. It's like she holds the key to my happiness. That is not a healthy place to be for me, for us.

Like you, I'm anxiously attached in part, but mostly secure. I find that these types of relationships really mess with the attachment system, and may even turn us more anxiously attached. I know I had feelings like that, and intentionally didn't act on the them since I knew that any reaching out, asking why you are distancing, why you are not answering texts or calls would result in immediate attacks and anger and accusations of starting a fight. Well, I did that once, and got the predictable result. It almost felt like I was being 'cued' to ask what the heck is going on so that she could then attack me.

So, in my case, I just acted like everything was ok and it didn't bother me when she didn't invite me to weekends away with her couple friends, or on camping trips with her friends, or forgot my birthday. On a weekend away with her couple friend she called and told me that her friends (who knew me) "were asking where I was, they thought I would be there". I just let it go, acted like it didn't bother me. Of course it stung, of course I wondered why I wasn't invited. But I said nothing. It's wild to consider 'why' she would tell me that.

Or the Christmas she ditched me (cutting of communication for almost two weeks, no communication at all for days, ignoring text and call and voicemail invitation to take her to lunch at her favorite place, then just leaving town without any discussion or communication about Christmas plans- which I spent with her family the year before- and a text on Christmas Eve saying "tired. going to take some time to recalibrate" after not talking at all for several days. Again, I said nothing...but that was the end of us anyway, because I was so hurt and humiliated. I remember her Mom asking me at my ex's theater show that weekend before Christmas when I was coming up for Christmas and I told her I don't know, ______ hasn't said anything. Her Mom said "oh, just come up on Wednesday" and I told her that I couldn't do that, _____ is the boss". Her Mom rolled her eyes in disgust and shook her head.

Attachment is a major part of this relationship pain for many of us. We get so attached that we overlook things that we shouldn't.

And the attachment wound is a deep and profound one. Susan Anderson talks about it in her books about abandonment recovery. A core, primal, injury that causes the body to go into a highly stressed state in order to cue you to reestablish the attachment. I think many here would benefit from understanding that system and the wound. Her books are really well-written and interesting.

[seekingtheway]

I think abandonment/rejection/pushing someone away can be weaponised within BPD relationships, and it does create a power imbalance... and there lies the emotional abuse... your actions and reactions are seemingly controlled by another person because you know you can't speak up without a major drama or a breakup. So you learn to keep it in. Or at least you try and keep it in...

I suspect that even though you didn't say anything to her, she probably knew very well how it was affecting you. So although you might have been portraying a secure facade, you were becoming increasingly more insecure as time went on - as anyone would... it does sound like your ex had a really cruel side to her, which she showed many times.

I think a true test of security is not being afraid to speak up about something that is not alright with you... not silencing your own voice because you know that by speaking up, it will cause her to potentially abuse you in some way.

This is what happened to me over time - it was quite insidious really. My ex would try and make it seem like I was this abnormal/needy/over anxious person for raising relationship issues - and they weren't small things - i saved the relationship chats for the major things... but he would still ask why I felt the need to raise 'every single little thing and go over and over and over it'... I ended up sitting down and writing down my list of grievances (big and small) at the end of our relationship and next to it I wrote down whether I had raised it and how he'd responded... and I brought up maybe 20% of the things that didn't feel right to me... which gave me a really clear sign that A. I wasn't raising every little thing as he said... and B. I wasn't actually raising enough... I was biting my tongue on a lot of important things and losing sight of my own values in the process.

I know it sucks that you still hold feelings for someone who didn't treat you well - that's part of the wounding... but i really do believe there will come a day where that softens and leaves you.

[jaded7]

I think abandonment/rejection/pushing someone away can be weaponised within BPD relationships, and it does create a power imbalance... and there lies the emotional abuse... your actions and reactions are seemingly controlled by another person because you know you can't speak up without a major drama or a breakup. So you learn to keep it in. Or at least you try and keep it in...

I suspect that even though you didn't say anything to her, she probably knew very well how it was affecting you. So although you might have been portraying a secure facade, you were becoming increasingly more insecure as time went on - as anyone would... it does sound like your ex had a really cruel side to her, which she showed many times.

I think a true test of security is not being afraid to speak up about something that is not alright with you... not silencing your own voice because you know that by speaking up, it will cause her to potentially abuse you in some way.

This is what happened to me over time - it was quite insidious really. My ex would try and make it seem like I was this abnormal/needy/over anxious person for raising relationship issues - and they weren't small things - i saved the relationship chats for the major things... but he would still ask why I felt the need to raise 'every single little thing and go over and over and over it'... I ended up sitting down and writing down my list of grievances (big and small) at the end of our relationship and next to it I wrote down whether I had raised it and how he'd responded... and I brought up maybe 20% of the things that didn't feel right to me... which gave me a really clear sign that A. I wasn't raising every little thing as he said... and B. I wasn't actually raising enough... I was biting my tongue on a lot of important things and losing sight of my own values in the process.

I know it sucks that you still hold feelings for someone who didn't treat you well - that's part of the wounding... but i really do believe there will come a day where that softens and leaves you.

Good for you for making that list. What an excellent idea. And of course, as you probably know, him responding with you raising your concerns with "why do you need to raise every single little thing" is gaslighting. You aren't raising every single little thing, as your list proves, and these things aren't 'little' to you. Double gaslighting, telling you what your doing and telling you how important these things should be to you. It is insidious, isn't it? So now you feel bad for bringing things up, and he has the power to tell you what you're doing and why.

She did have a cruel side to her with the horrible put downs and name calling, and ....no surprise here....she called me "cruel and punishing" when I would be shell-shocked after a horrible episode of put downs and name calling and wouldn't respond immediately to a text, usually because I'd  concluded she had broken up with me. Like, if she hates me this much, that was surely a breakup. Yet, as I've outlined, she would go days or a week without responding to me, in the absence of a 'fight'. When I pointed that out to her, of course it was "different".

Twice I expressed to her specific things that were disrespectful. The first was when she sent me a message that she and her son were going to the farmers market early since he had a lot of homework that weekend, much earlier than we normally went since I had my business open on those mornings, so I just said ok have fun, talk to you later. That became the first ghosting weekend. Her son had had really busy weekends before with his school project and presentation prep etc, and she had sent me videos of the project, called many times, went on walks and talked. This weekend nothing, no responses. On Sunday I texted her to ask why she wasn't communicating and she called me within 7 seconds, didn't even say hello when I answered and just blasted me with "you need mental health help!!! This is feels controlling!!!!. I gave you an itinerary for the weekend!!!" I tried pointing out that "son has a lot of homework and we're going to market early" isn't an itinerary for the weekend, and how he'd had other much busier weekends before, but just more anger and yelling at me then hanging up.

The second we had a plan to go berry picking on a Monday morning, so I cleared my schedule from work and payed some other people to come in. At 7am she called to cancel, since you can't pick blueberries in a light drizzle???. I said since we're up and I'm free for the morning, let's get breakfast and go for a walk. She said ok I'll take a quick shower and give you a call. Three hours and 10 minutes later she called, while I sat on my couch the whole time, didn't need to pay someone to come in to my business, and was out money and the effort. I explained to her, lovingly and gently, that I was a little annoyed. She exploded, of course. And soon we were in a discussion about the meaning of the words "I'll take a quick shower and give you a call". The very next day she told me "I'm surprised you brought that up yesterday".

So, I learned not to bring anything up. But of course, she had all kinds of problems with things I did, I mean ALL kinds of problems. And accused me of "ruining an entire summer for canceling plans", which I did not do.