Daughter just diagnosed.

[Becca1971]

As a mother to a recently diagnosed daughter grappling with BPD, I find myself wrestling with overwhelming guilt. Questions swirl in my mind: What role did I play? How can I help? What does she need from me? Discipline was lax when they were younger; they were well-behaved, responsible kids who understood their obligations and contributed at home. Consequently, they enjoyed considerable freedom as teenagers.

Our relationship was strong until her stepfather and I parted ways amid a tumultuous breakup, which involved his arrest for domestic violence. He was emotionally abusive. At 15, in a moment of anger, she uttered hurtful words, triggering a regrettable response from me. She moved out soon after, severing contact until she was 19, turning to me only as a last resort.

At 20, she underwent a temporal lobectomy to manage seizures, but the results fell short of expectations. Attempting to resume school prematurely, she deferred for a year due to health concerns. Upon returning home, she underwent therapy, yet I observed a significant change in her.

She changed schools, relocated in with her childhood boyfriend, but one night, nine years later, she reached out to me in tears, revealing little about her struggles.

Three years ago, she made an impulsive decision to move far away, later disclosing her sexual orientation and relationship preferences, fearing my reaction. Despite this, she established a stable life until her BPD diagnosis.

Supporting her financially, I helped secure a job that eventually bored her. She left for a dream opportunity, only to be fired shortly after due to a misunderstanding. Another stint in the mental hospital ensued.

Feeling helpless, I sought job opportunities for her, but she declined, leaving me to cover her expenses. While I comply outwardly, inwardly, I seethe in silence.


I've sought help from a mental health professional to cope with the overwhelming anxiety I feel. The guilt weighs heavily on me.

Her lack of self-control and tendency to view things in absolutes make it challenging to connect. Since losing her job, her self-esteem has plummeted, and I feel lost as a mother trying to support her. Despite our past openness, she now keeps me at arm's length, hesitant to confide in me.

I've searched for support groups for parents of children with BPD but haven't found any.

I can't continue to financially support her indefinitely, but I hesitate to share this burden with her, fearing it might upset her further, given her unpredictable nature.

Does anybody else have these feelings and how do we overcome because it seems like I got more co-dependent and very much afraid of her unpredictable moods.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Pull up a chair 

You're definitely not alone with the guilt. BPD is a confounding illness. We learn more and more how much biology plays a role and social norms can make things harder for those of us with kids who are square pegs, even if it's just in terms of their ability to regulate emotions.

NEA-BPD Family Connections has a lot of material to help parents support BPD loved ones. It can take a while to get into some of their sessions, especially if you aren't in a big city, but it's worth the wait.

I found a few books that helped me with my SD26 with BPD traits. Shari Manning's Loving Someone with BPD and Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD are both helpful. I needed to develop compassion for SD26 and Buddha and the Borderline (a memoir) was good for that. I had a tendency to focus more on validation then boundaries and over time needed to reverse that. So much of it comes down to communication and relationship skills. In many relationships you can be 50 percent skilled and things work out but in BPD relationships the communication skills have to get set to a higher bar, and most of the responsibility for that falls to us, the parent figure.

There can be aggression with BPD and I consider what I have now to be compassionate boundaries. I don't know that SD26 andI will ever be close, although we have managed to find some kind of level, at least 80 percent of the time. There is a god-sized hole in her heart and I'm at peace knowing that only she can fill it, adult that she is. My role is to not make things worse and do my best, or repair and recover when doing my best wasn't enough.

It's not an easy ship to turn but it can be turned. 

[Ourworld]

Hi Becca,

You seem to have somewhat of an understanding of how she relates to you. But you have gotten sucked into helping thus enabling her it seems.

You have really been there for her and seen her through some trying times even as an adult, but I think she needs to stand on her own two feet now, you have done more than enough. She may never recognize how much you have done for her, but that is just part of this terrible illness. It is not there because of anything you ever did.

She belongs to the creator and you were blessed to raise her and give her the strongest foundation for life that you could, plus you went above and beyond. I think that now you need to once again set her free and trust in the creator to take care of them. Pray for her daily and get on with your own life and get off the roller coaster.

She is going to have to deal with some hard knocks in her life and you can stop being her rescuer! She’ll make it, because you gave her a strong foundation, so do not feel guilty when she calls with her woe is me stories, tell her to put on her big girl pants and get her own life in order.

You can do this! The MH system in the US is sorely lacking so I don’t see much support that way, she will just have to tough it out.

But you can encourage her now instead of any enabling in her past.

I wish you the best, hugs, OurWorld