BP sister is undermining my relationship with my parents

[Sister in Pain]

I really need help here. My sister (with bd traits) has been caring for my 93 year old parents who live 500 miles away. Sister says her anxiety prevents her from working (she has a pattern of quitting jobs because her employers are abusive). She has been living on my parents' property to care for them. A month ago, she flew into a rage and has been accusing my husband and me of threatening and abusing her and accusing me of lying, theft, and manipulation. 

Over the past few years, my parents have stopped giving my family Christmas gifts and haven't recognized our birthdays. I am visiting them now. Sister made a show of moving to a motel now that we're here and conversations with my parents have been strained .  Both of them are frail and have a degree of dementia. Dad has told me that he doesn't trust me to handle his affairs because I travel and might get stomped by an elephant.

I want to avoid sister and her rages and smear campaign but I also want to protect my parents and enjoy the time we have left with them.

Help!

[Notwendy]

I wish I knew a solution- but I was in a similar situation where my BPD mother was the "caregiver" for my father during an illness from which he passed away. I was concerned about this situation for him - tried to "rescue" my father with the result being he aligned with my mother and a strained relationship with him and also her extended family members.

Read about the Karpman triangle dynamics- it will help you to understand this situation better. Likely, this is a long standing pattern in your family. Parents tend to protect a vulnerable child and may have been rescuing and enabling your sister.

Unfortunately, you have been put in "persecutor" position. From my experience, pwBPD take victim perspective. To be a victim, there needs to be a persecutor. You haven't done anything wrong- it's the dynamics in the family.

However, if you are at a distance from your parents, you can't be their day to day caregiver. If your sister is willing to do it and she's being an effective caregiver, then that is a good thing for them. If they are being abused or taken advantage of, then you can call social service to investigate possible elder abuse.

Who has power of attorney for them? Medical power of attorney? If it's your sister, there isn't much you can do unless social services finds a problem with this. If this is about finances- it is allowable to pay a family member for caregiving. Hiring a caregiver is very costly. However  the "salary" for a family member as caregiver needs to be reasonable for the job. If your sister is taking excessive funds, that is an issue for social services too. If it's within reasonable range- then that is allowable.

Being remotely involved (I am at a distance) with the care of an elderly parent, I have learned a lot about the cost of elder care, and Medicare/Medicaid rules. My BPD mother is in assisted living and has caregivers. It is very costly. If your parents are able to stay in their home because your sister has taken on a caregiver role, there is financial value to that. It may be that she takes more than her share of the assets but there may not be much you can do about that unless it is excessive and you want to involve lawyers.

The most difficult aspect of this, for me and also for you, was the changing perspective of my father and for you, your parents. To hear that he doesn't trust you is difficult. I heard some hurtful things too and even if people have assured me that - he was sick, he didn't mean it- it is hard to hear and also the feeling of uncertainty- what does he think of me? It's scary when your parents are very old- you want that assurance that they love you and feel an urgency to "fix" things. But we can only do so much on our part.

I think on your part, perhaps the best you can do is know you tried. You did visit, you sent Christmas presents even if they didn't send any to you. You called if you could, or sent cards. If your parents don't respond or can't respond- that is their choice too. It's difficult but you can only do your part.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you with the challenges you are facing. My paranoid brother who has strong BPD traits lived with my mother and controlled her access to people he felt threated by until she passed away. It became unsafe for me to stay at her house because of how threatening my brother became. I would say it is somewhat positive that your sister is afraid of you and in a motel so you can visit with your parents. My brother was the executor of my mother's estate and he did not follow many of my mother's wishes.

I am also familiar with the smear campaign as I have been the target of one since birth by my large extended family as many family members have to have scapegoats to be able to put themselves on a pedestal. It is good that you are aware of the smear campaign though very painful and stressful to acknowledge this is going on. The smear campaign succeeds because little is done to stop it.

It sounds like your parents are victims of elder abuse by your sister. I do think you might want to consult with an attorney to see how to best protect yourself, your husband, and your parents. My brother told me that he was thinking of calling the authorities and accusing me of elder abuse in the last years of my mother's life and for this reason I no longer felt safe staying at my mother's house or being there without a witness present. It was a total nightmare after my mother died, because of how my brother as executor controlled the settling of my mother's estate.