A dream (a nightmare?)

[TheRedLion]

I'm now 10 months out of my relationship with by dBPDxgf and have been really proud of the work I've put in. I've seen a therapist up until now (that's ending because my T thinks I'm in a good place), I've developed hobbies I really enjoy, I've continued my studies and am now graduating. I haven't contacted, talked to, or seen my ex once (even though we live very, very close to each other). I've gone on dates with other people and really re-developed my sense of self-worth. I spend time with friends, I go out on adventures, and I'm excited for the future.

Wanted to preface my dream with that.

Last night, I dreamed I got back together again with my ex and we were spending time on a beach. Nothing abusive was happening—we were just laying in the sun. But I couldn't stop feeling this building anxiety. How was I going to explain this (that we were back together) to my friends? How would I explain this to my family? How would I explain this to BPDFamily (not lying—that was a legitimate thought in my dream. In the dream, I felt like an imposter for having given advice to others here).

After a while of that building anxiety, we somehow realized we were late for something, and the only vehicle was a large silver bus. I got behind the wheel and dBPDxgf sat in the passenger seat and coaxed me to drive faster, faster, faster, until I couldn't control the vehicle anymore and it swerved off the road, into a mountain, and blew up in flames.

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First off, I am happy that even the thought of getting back with my ex resulted in me having anxiety. Everything that I've done to make myself who I am, to rebuild self-worth, to overcome the psychological and emotional trauma stemming from abuse, was screaming at me collectively to not get back in. I do wish the dream was me not getting back with my ex. But at least I didn't want to do it in my dream. At least I knew that the support system I was building up wouldn't accept it.

Secondly, it's hard not to see the parallels between the bus dream and dealing with an abusive BPD partner. The feeling like there was somewhere to go that I was already, intrinsically late for, and could never actually get to, was very familiar. The feeling of having my ex shout at me to go faster, faster, faster when I was already going well above the speed limit and wanted to remain somewhat safe, was familiar. The feeling that no matter how hard I tried, the two of us were always destined to crash into a mountain and blow up into flames, was familiar. Truly, I'm in awe of my subconscious.

Anyways, for anyone detaching, thought this was an interesting dream. I have no desire to ever speak to my ex again and have gone NC for the last 10 months, so no worries on that front—I just found my subconscious to be enlightening.