I'm ready to heal and move on

[itistimetoheal]

My mom has BPD and my life has been so very difficult.  She is in her 80s now.  I'm working hard to forgive and I am still in her life-- basically the only person in her life.  I'm an only child. 

I've worked with therapists on and off in the past 12 years for this and childhood sexual abuse.  I'm back at it with a therapist and I feel I am finally making progress.  My poor husband has put up with so much that he didn't bargain for.  But I've almost pushed him to the limit.

I think hearing from others on what they are doing to heal and get past it may help me.  It certainly can't hurt.

Thank you for including me in your group.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board- I think we are all on a path of getting better at handling our own situations with a BPD parent. It's good you are working with a therapist. I think it's more of a work in progress, than to reach a goal, but I think the work is well worth it.

I did 12 step CODA and ACA groups in addition to counseling but I think counseling is important. I am glad you have a supportive husband.

I think it's more about learning to manage our own feelings and learning new behaviors than "getting past it". Some of it is in the past but it did happen. For me - the way to approach forgiveness is by dealing with resentment first. The 12 step programs help with that and also with boundaries. I don't dwell on what my BPD mother did in the past but on her behaviors in the present that are difficult so I still need to be able to manage that.

I also think we need to align our expectations of our mothers and our relationship with them. There is some grief with this process. I know that a "normal" relationsip with my mother isn't possible due to how her BPD affects all relationships- not just with me.

[itistimetoheal]

Thank you for your response and thoughts.  Where did you find the CODA and ACA groups?  Is that part of this site or another program?

[Notwendy]

They are 12 step groups based on the original AA groups but not only for alcohol. I was surprised when a counselor recommended them as I thought it was mostly for alcohol issues, but the relationship dynamics with a family member with BPD are similar and I needed to work on co-dependency.

Google 12 step recovery groups in your area and hopefully there will be some. They tend to meet in public meeting places like churches but aren't necessarily a part of the church. Some churches do sponsor their own groups but many are not connected and just are allowed to use a classroom in one.