My ex left (discarded) about a month ago, which was the 3rd time in the last year. We had been together for 4yrs up until that point, in which the first few years were the idealization stage. She wanted to spend every minute with me and sex was flowing. Looking back there were episodes all of the time but the repairs were so quick it became normal. Then the year before the first time we left I noticed a big shift. Mostly in regards to sex. She would make comments how it hurt or she would try to avoid it. Fast forward to the end of that year and she cheated with someone from an app that lived 1200 miles away. They started a long distance relationship and she left. 2 months after she left she came back and we gave it another go but intimacy was a big issue. She said she wanted to have sex with me but couldnt for some reason. We would try but she would get uncomfortable and want to stop. After 2 months she left to be with the guy and oddly enough the day before she left we had the most intense passionate sex and she told me how much she loved me and was crying during it. I felt totally blindsided. This time I swore I was done and went no contact. I found out through my daughter she was trying to introduce the long distance guy to her on facetime and at that point I broke no contact to ask her to talk. She ended up coming over to discuss how we should introduce people to our daughter and she ended up catching feelings again and long story short we gave it another go. It started off ok but quickly realized we still had intimacy issues but everything else was fine. She always wanted to cuddle and hang out so it seemed like she was ok with childlike affection but couldnt kiss or have sex. Our couples counselor said to be patient and focus on connecting without sex but after 6 months she left again and of course shes talking to this guy once more. I went as no contact for the last month and then yesterday i attended a school function for our daughter and she was there with her family who loves me. I made it a point to stand far away and then she walked over to me and asked to talk. I declined but then afterwards she asked again and its very hard to resist so I obliged. She told me how she wished we could work but that she needs to heal and then asked "if you were dating someone else and I wanted to come back would you leave them"
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We then spoke for an hour after the event and in the moment I was caught up but held my ground and said im sorry but you left our family 3 times. I told her how I dont hate her and I know she does the things she does to absolve the pain. These relationships are such a cruel trick because when youre with the person (at least in my case) its not obvious that there's something wrong. My ex was diagnosed at 15 but now she thinks she doesnt have it or that was an incorrect diagnosis. She's also very young (early 20's) so its tough to discuss BPD with her. I did say if there was a path back to us she would have to attend this inpatient program recommended by our couples counselor but even then it wouldnt make much of a difference.
The point of this post was to reiterate no contact is the best way to heal and going forward im going to avoid her unless absolutely necessary even if that means missing some events. I regret even mentioning theres a path back to being together because in a couple of months I wont want that. Even now I realize how sick it is to want that with someone that treats you poorly.
